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My mother is 75 and her boyfriend (they had a marriage ceremony in Mexico years ago but they are not legally married ) now has severe dementia and she can't afford more than 10 hours a week of In-Home Care. His two kids are doing pretty well financially one is a lawyer and one is the dentist, but neither want to help their father financially. He doesn't qualify for Medicaid. They live in California where there's no common law. My mother lost 25% of her weight and her blood pressure has gone up all in the last year due to the stress of my stepdad and has constant hallucinating and getting up in the middle of the night etcetera etc. He needs some sort of full-time care. The question is, who is responsible to pay for it? My mother already owned her house when he moved in, but of course it has gone up in value in the last 20 years. Hoping somebody knows something about these issues, thank you.

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Ideally his daughter should be dealing with this, but you have to be concerned about your mother and advocate for her. If he is incompetent, his POA needs to manage his affairs and care, or at least be available for signatures as necessary if you will do the leg work. Someone has to take charge of his care. Obviously it is too much for your mother.

Is that London UK or London US? I gather you have contact with her. She doesn't have to help him financially, but she does have the responsibility of managing his affairs which includes where he lives and the care he is getting. If she will not take that responsibility seriously, then you need to discuss with the lawyer how to proceed. As he is severely demented it is too late for another POA to be appointed. Guardianship is the next route to get the authority to act on his behalf and provide for his needs. That is expensive and a lot of work for the guardian,

Also you might benefit by visiting your local Agency for Aging and see if they have any ideas.

Good luck Let us know how you make out. This is a difficult situation,

ETA re your reply to worriedincal - check with the lawyer if evicting him in his state is advisable or would have repercussions for your mother, One route to getting him into care is if he is admitted to hospital your mother can refuse to accept him back home on the basis that she cannot provide proper care for him. Then they are obliged to find care for him. Possibly then, he could be made a ward of the state is the POA will not step in.

another idea - is your mother's PCP aware of the effect caring for this man is having on her? There might be a social worker in his office that could help;
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CuriousSon Feb 3, 2019
Thank u so much! Will let u all know what our lawyer says mañana. PS yes UK
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I would send him to a hospital ER & after he gets there I would inform them that his living situation is no longer a safe environment because of his health & I would leave it up to them to figure it out & I know that sounds harsh & maybe even cruel but I know all to well about the stress that comes with taking care of a person with damentia as my mother has a form of damentia that comes with kidney failure & I'm 37 yo been taking care of my mother for the past 3 years & honestly if I had known it was going to be this hard I don't think I would have started as my own health has declined because you feel so wore out from taking care of them that you don't have the energy to take care of yourself & the stress & depression will take a huge toll on even the strongest people you know & even though it may seem cruel if it's the only option you have then I wouldn't see what choice you really have because I would put your mother first & do whatever was necessary because the stress can literally kill your mother & I'm sure from reading your post that the stress has already taken some time off her life & life is too precious to give away for a person that will never get better no matter what you do. My heart really goes out to you and your mom & stepdad I hope you find a better solution😢
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Your mother's boyfriend lives in California but his daughter with POA is in London - are they English? Is it a UK POA? When was it set up, do you know?

This is a question of quite how much responsibility she is shirking, having agreed to it. I'd have a lot more sympathy with her point of view if she hadn't done that.

You have had it formally established that the Mexican knees-up did not constitute a marriage, have you?

Poor man, but even more poor mother! I hope you'll find the way forward very soon.
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Reply to Countrymouse
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Why is he not eligible for medicaid? Sounds like you need to consult an elder attorney at his cost. To qualify for medicaid any assets can be spent down, and/or if his income is too great a Miller trust can be created. " Miller Trust is a type of trust used to qualify a Medicaid applicant for Medicaid when the Medicaid applicant's income exceeds the state published Income." https://whlawoffices.com/miller-trust/

Is your mum POA? She is ill from the work and stress. 40% of caregivers die before the person they care for. This situation needs to change quickly. Good luck in helping her. She needs that right now.
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CuriousSon Feb 3, 2019
He doesn't qualify for Medicaid simply because his Social Security pays monthly more then is allowed to have Medicaid. I have never heard of a Miller's trust I will definitely look into that! We are meeting with the lawyer tomorrow I will bring it up to him also
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Come back and tell us what the lawyer says.
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I understand there are many possible legal issues. At the same time, I hate to see a situation like yours turned into a hopeless legal tangle when your problems are human and heartbreaking and street level. Getting wrapped up with lawyers, lawyer's fees and three countries just doesn't make sense to me. I've seen it a thousand times. People can avoid the real stuff by turning their problems into legal problems, especially when those problem simply can't be solved by lawyers. California Dept of Aging and Elder Services is your best bet.
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BethandDan Feb 8, 2019
Right on.
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Our second opinion lawyer suggested we serve a 60-day notice to my mom's boyfriend for eviction. That is what we are doing. With the caveat that we have agreed to mediate with her boyfriend's kids if they want to discuss Options. But the primary goal is my mother's health she can't keep watching her boyfriend the caregiver stress has caused her to lose so much weight her bones are showing. So we want to get the boyfriend out of the house and it is up to his kids who have power of attorney to take care of him they should have been doing this all along. Yes after he is out of the house they want to sue us for Equitable interest or anything else along those lines we will go from there and possibly mediate with them. But in the meantime I need to Advocate for and protect my mother. She needs lots of sleep and food to regain her strength. We've told his kids many times for 6 to 9 months that my mother cannot continue to care for him and they have ignored our messages. That is why the lawyer said the best thing to do to get the ball rolling is to serve an eviction notice so they know we are serious and go from there. The notice was served today I will keep you all posted. Really hoping his kids step up to bat and do what's right for their father for the health of him as well as my mother.
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worriedinCali Feb 12, 2019
Don’t mention anything about equitable interest to anyone! Has his children mentioned anything about that? Or is just something you are concerned about? He or his children would have to have the money to sue your mom and even if they do, his “equitable interest” may not be worth the legal fees so honestly I wouldn’t worry about that too much right now. Please do keep up updated! You are a wonderful son, you are absolutely right your mothers is your main concern and you have to look out for her best interests. Good luck!
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The Miller Trust sounds like an excellent idea here.

It is sad how things are going here, but it's the responsibility of the daughter who has POA to step up and handle things, as your mother clearly cannot.

Please do let us know what the lawyer advises, if you would.
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Call rescue and tell them he fell and hit his head. When they take him to the hospital do not sign anything that tells them you will take responsibility for his care or pay his bills. They will try and get you to take him back but stand your ground and they will have to find placement for him. Go on vacation be unavailable by phone etc. for 2 weeks or more and by the time you return home he should be placed by the hospital in a nursing home for Alzheimer’s. Be unavailable by phone email etc. be gone until he is placed
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Sheilamerritt Feb 6, 2019
Cruel and heartless omg. Nursing home or death chambers.. Are horrible
My family have been trained by professional
TO do this to me
May God help us
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Igloo572 You are correct the first batch of lawyers we saw sad most likely her boyfriend probably does have Equitable interest in the house because they presented themselves as married even though they were never legally married. The daughter in England is power of attorney but supposedly the son who lives nearby also has power of attorney and not hundred percent clear on how that works. At any rate they think he is due Equitable interest from the time they got married in Mexico in 2007 until now and they want to take whatever money that comes out to be that we can figure out a mediation and use that for his care. The daughter said her and her brother will take the dad out of my mom's house and care for him in a facility with that money. We are seeing a lawyer for a second opinion this coming Monday. The house has about $500,000 of equity in it, however it's worth about the same as it wasn't 2007 it just went down in value and back up. So like somebody else said this may come down to are they really seen as married or not and how much equity does he deserve etc etc. I think we are leaning towards having a mediation and deciding an amount of equity of the house to give to her boyfriend for his care. Hopefully it doesn't get too messy in the amounts that my Mom feels is fair versus what the kids think is fair. Going to mediation and deciding all of this was the opinion of the first lawyers we saw, like I said it's a lot of it's a big decision so we are going to get a second opinion before we move forward. Obviously everybody wants what's best for the older people in this scenario. They mentioned Marvin vs. Marvin as a case that changed California from not having a hundred percent no common law just because you don't have a piece of paper, but like you said if you appeared married and had a little ritual and invited some friends as they did in Mexico for about 10 people that a judge my consider you married in a putative way. I will update you all more after next Monday thank you so much all of your advice has been so helpful!
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worriedinCali Feb 7, 2019
Definitely get a 2nd opinion on the equitable interest. My MIL was in a similar relationship for, by my estimate, 22-25 years. Presented themselves as a married couple (but they never went to another country & had a wedding ceremony). They bought a house together 20 years ago this year but only my MILs name was on the house. He has no equitable interest per the estate attorney that drew up MILs trust and the attorney my husband hired when MIL died last year & he took over as successor trustee. My MILs former “spouse” did seek legal advise shortly after died, I am confident it was about the house since he lived there 20 years and did help pay the mortgage for a few years. MIL left the house to her 3 and his 2 kids and he can stay in the house until he dies as long as he pays the taxes and insurance and maintains the house. He was not happy about that, the house will be sold when he dies or moves out on his own (he can’t bring in any non-blood relatives so if he finds another lady friend and wants to live with her or get married, he has to leave the house) and he doesn’t want the money from the house going to the kids since they didn’t pay for the house. He can’t fight the trust & take the house. So I would get a second opinion.
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