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I used to live with my mom & help take care of my granny. She still lives with my mom but she doesn't want her anymore. I want her to live with me & my mom's brother would help too! None of the family want her to go in a home except for my mother! Granny has Alzheimer's but knows who we all our & can still take care of herself. She just needs a little built of help (she's 97:-)) my granny doesn't understand my mom wants to do this to her but says she would rather live with me than go in a home! Is there any way to stop her? We always said when she didn't know us or couldn't take care of herself, then she would go in. But not now while she still gets around & dances & cleans & takes care of herself !! Thanx:-)

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Oh Dawny I believe your intentions are good but there is so much care needed for your Granny than you can handle..

Please search through this site for questions/answers similar to yours..

Hugs.. I have to believe that your mother is acting in your Granny's best interest. Taking care of an ALZ. patient is unpaid 24hour a day work for 7 days a week.
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I think it is wonderful that you would take care of your granny. You go for it. You are a blessing.
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someone who WANTS to provide this care probably has a leg up on someone who was commandeered into the situation . talk to your mom , tell her you want to do it for a while and see how it goes .
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Who is Granny's Health Care Proxy? That person is in charge of her medical decisions. You need to consult an elder care attorney, which can be expensive. One option would be going for guardianship but you'd have to prove mom's negligence and this too is very expensive. Taking care of someone 24 hours a day, 7 days a week is a job unimaginable until.you find yourself in that situation. Is your mom a mean or selfish person? My guess is no. I'm sure she's given a great deal of thought to her decision and maybe you should trust her on this one.
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What's the home like, Dawny? Before you assume your granny would be miserable there, go and have a look at it. You might be pleasantly surprised at how well she'd be looked after there, and how much she'd have to enjoy in the way of company and activities.

If you're not, and you still hate the idea, and you want to change your mother's mind, then what you have to do is come up with a REALLY practical alternative. Even the best intentions aren't enough: you need expertise, space, a full care team, access to medical and nursing services, and above all you need time.

The other point to make is that it's a mistake to wait until your granny has really declined before you commit her to a nursing home. If it's going to happen, it is MUCH better for her to walk in than to be wheeled in. She'll have a far greater chance of establishing a good quality of life if she's still comparatively well when the move happens.

If your grandmother didn't have dementia, I'd agree with Captain that you can always give it a try and see how it goes. But with dementia, change is very hard to manage and the outcome could be your granny ending up in a worse situation: still in a nursing home, but really upset and confused from the outset.

So. Come up with a hard-headed, clear-eyed, realistic, practical, budgeted plan and maybe your mother will agree to it. Don't forget: she wants the best for your granny, too.
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It's up to you grandmother as long as she can rationally say or no. I had POA for my husband and it didn't go in effect until was declared as making decisions that would jeopardize his health. But do know what your getting into?
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Most times, only the 24-hour caregiver knows the Real situation at home. My dad was able to fool a lot of people for years. Even his doctors. He's very smart and can talk intellectually. But at home, with no one else's eyes watching him, he shows his real self - the forgetfulness, the peeing on himself because he didn't have time to make it to the bathroom, the confusion of the days, etc... So, every day, he would ask me what day is today. Oh, Monday, so-and-so comes to visit, Tuesday is so-and-so, etc... When family is coming to visit in the weekend, he goes and changes his clothes so that he's not stinky. It was a struggle to get him to shower weekly. Then it was every 2 weeks.

What I'm trying to get at is this. Perhaps your mother sees how grandma really is - in the privacy in the home without any others seeing it. Maybe, just maybe, your grandmother is giving your mother more and more resistance to being help. To the point that your mother can no longer or is just too tired of caregiving grandmother 24-hours every day by herself. At least in a home, there would 24-hour caregiving - in shifts.

I think the most important thing to do is sit down and have a heart-to-heart talk with your mom. No Accusations. No Blame. Just build the conversation towards grandma, her wishes, your mom's caregiving, and what made her decide that it is now time to put her in a home. If you can be Neutral, then your mom, hopefully, will be able to open up to you what is really going on inside the home, how She is feeling, etc... Maybe, just maybe, if you handle this right, she might let grandma stay with you for a limited trial period. A year sounds about right. Not too long and not too short.

You do know, that when grandma moves in with you, that you become responsible for her, right? If she falls, and gets bruised, that the authorities would automatically think "elderly neglect"? My dad just recently went to the ER. One of the questions they asked me was, "Did he fall or get hurt?" I replied No. Sister-in-law said that if I had answered "yes", the medical staff is obligated to report this to authorities. Then I would be investigated to see if there was elderly abuse in the home. You see, our DA's pet project is Elderly Abuse.
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Hello Dawny, Have you maybe given this a trial run? Maybe just have Granny come visit for a week or two? Definitely bill it as visit, not as coming to live with you. It would give your mothet a break and give you a taste of what you might be getting into. You my change your mind entirely.
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Its getting harder on me in my situation. I understand and agree with how you feel and what you want to do. Your granny is a very lucky lady. I do not understand Alzheimer's because my grandfather doesnt have it, but, I understand its very hard to handle esp by yourself. If you other family wants to help now, but cant later, what will you do? Hiring caregivers is very expensive as Im looking to do so for my grandfather.

I agree with you about not wanting her in a home and she is 97 which is wonderful! I agree with the others, see if you can take a trial run for a couple months ( its usually takes a bit for the stress and pressure to kick in) and if it works out wonderful :) But be prepared that if your mom and grandmother agree to this, it might be on your shoulders one day to have to admit her in a NH.

You should try to visit a home where the disease is advanced, to get an idea what you will be dealing with. I wish you all the best luck and prayers and hope you all find whats best for granny, even if it is the nursing home. She may really like the nursing home :) There are good ones out there!
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Wish I had something to add. The advice you have been given is rather encompassing...
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As an 80 year old caregiver, trying to care for my 83 year old partner with dementia and other health issues, I hope you realize what is involved. I have been looking for relief from this 24/7 job, which I am not up to handling anymore, and have found no place that will take him. He has been kicked out of two nursing homes recently for fighting with the caregivers and general disruptive behavior. Our slim savings are almost gone. He has kidney failure, has had 4 major surgeries since 2003, and takes 14 pills a day. We have been together 14 years, and he has no children or other family. I have been hospitalized twice in the last 6 months and faced with finding someone to care for him while I'm away. My health is rapidly declining as well. The VA will not help. He does have a pension from them for aid and attendance, but it doesn't pay for much. If you have the opportunity to get your grandmother into a regular nursing home while she is still able to get in -- be thankful. Things can change very fast. My own children are not aware of how difficult this is. They love him, too, and think I am cruel not to want to keep him home with me! Nobody else can take him. I am barely able to talk to anybody about this without crying. He is currently recovering from pneumonia and bronchitis,, and I am just getting over bronchitis. I feel that I'm at the end of my rope. Think long and hard before taking this on. My reward for doing this is being called "The Boss or The Big Boss" because I'm always pressuring him about showering, or taking his pills!
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Please look at the entire picture. How and when do you get breaks? What about money? Talk to other caregivers. Is there an adult family home near so you could go everyday and bring her home some of the time? If this works out for you God bless and best wishes, you are special.
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***If your loved one has not been declared legally incompetent she can do whatever she wants.
***If your loved one wants to name you POA and HCP she can simply fill out new forms. They supersede the old ones.

I was in your exact situation and wanted to care for my parents at home with hired help. My brothers put them in a nursing home and did everything possible to exclude me...even having me removed from their Health Care Proxy. (They are confused and will sign anything their kids ask them to.) i called Adult Protective and I finally realized they could do whatever they wanted as long as they were not declared incompetent, so I took them home. Adult Protective Services was called to inspect, and were impressed with the care I was providing. Note: I did have to purchase/rent ramps and other necessary safety equipment. You can find these items used on e-bay, or get them for free at many local fire departments and such. Research everything online!!!

Everyone said I was crazy, I didn't know what I was getting in to, blah, blah. Taking them home was the BEST decision I ever made. Nursing homes are ALL understaffed. The care and quality of life are atrocious. (My parents were in a very "reputable" home.) I ended up quitting my job to care for them myself at the nursing home for 12 hours each day. Unless someone has observed all day for several days they have no idea how substandard and depressing it is. My parents would be dead by now if they had stayed there. My mom was always dehydrated and my dad went for weeks with untreated UTIs

The US is one of the only countries that puts their elders in these institutions. Most countries take care of their elders at home. It is no different than sending your old family pet to the pound.

Yes it is difficult. So is having children, caring for pets, and getting a degree. That doesn't mean we shouldn't do it. Where there's a will there's a way.

You will definitely need help and there are many options available. Talk to a lawyer about applying for Medicaid. They know how to transfer monies before applying. Medicaid will assess the situation and most likely provide some covered hours (by Medicaid approved caregivers) in the home. Go online to find Medicaid approved caregivers. You have a choice in who you hire...don't let anyone tell you that you don't.

There are also day programs for seniors which offer social/interactive activities, Meals on Wheels for inexpensive meals, doctors who make home visits, free prescription delivery (some Rite Aid stores) and a variety of other helpful resources that no one seems to know about.

God Bless You.
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Vicki, I wouldn't dream of contradicting you about your experiences; but don't have a special go at the US for its treatment of elders. Wherever there is a materialistic society combined with high life expectancy, the same problem - give or take an attitude or two - prevails. The issue is effectively global.
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"TheBoss" - who's helping you? I don't want to be cheeky, but it strikes me that a person of 80 is entitled to be seeking care, not just giving it.
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Bookluvr is right. Only the person who is giving 24/7 care knows what's really going on. It's amazing how my mom changed when company was here. And as a result my sister were villanized trying to explain the real situation. Our family is now so splintered and not working together at all because they all thought they were seeing the real "mom" but they weren't and so our suggestions were taken as bossy and manipulative. Anyway, I'd have a real good talk with your mom about the day to day granny. What's she like at night? Does she like to shower? Eat? Drink water? Are there times she becomes confused and unmanageable? So many things go on, you are only seeing what granny wants you to see I'm afraid. Maybe go stay a couple weeks there first. I'm speaking from experience, you are probably not seeing the whole picture. But I could be wrong, at any rate, really think this one thru. Moving granny will be hard on her with Alzheimer's. Two moves if it doesn't work out with you, even double trouble. But hey, I admire you for wanting to so this. I really do. I just hope you know what your getting into. Good luck, d
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Dawny, best of luck to you, follow your heart. Talk to your Mom and make it happen, after all, shes 97 ! She will get lack of care, infections and down straight down hill if she goes to a nursing home, even if its just depression in there. If you loose the battle, go to the nursing home fulltime and it will be fantastic for her.
VickiRuff: I am with your 110% and doing the same here with my Mom. Everyone thinks "why dont you put her in a nursing home?" Never!
Theboss: I dont mean this in a bad way but at your age you could go before your husband if you dont get help. Please talk to your children , call the doctor for a social worker to come to your house to give you options. Best of luck to you, you are a trooper but time to take care of you now and get help.
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I would suggest that you take over for your mom for a couple weeks, giving her a vacation, and to test what it is like to be there 24/7.

Your mom has cared for her mom for many years and my guess is that granny's needs have increased to the point of needing outside the home care. One of the things you can do is coordinate with mom and others about visiting granny where ever she goes.

I am caring for my Dad (94) and it is more taxing than I imagined. And he is relatively easy to care for compared to others on this site. I am tired, have trouble getting away for a weekend, having dinner with friends, having alone time...it all adds up.

You can love your grandmother in different ways that will matter.
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Dawn, my boss's wife has Alzheimer's. He has a paid Caregiver that comes to the house during the week, and he's the Caregiver evenings and weekends. It's exhausting for him as he puts in a very busy week at work.

My boss's wife use to love to dance Scottish music every morning with him before he left for work, now she rarely does that.

Just a few weeks ago my boss had to bring their bedroom down to the family room as his wife was having trouble with the stairs. Gosh when she was visiting the office last year, she was up and down the office stairs with no problems at hall.... how quickly that has changed.

If your Grandmother can go into a "memory care" facility now it would be easier for her to get to know the Staff and the other patients who are there. She could make new friends. If you wait, she might resist as her illness advances.
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Taking care of you granny right now may work, but Alzheimer's can advance rapidly. Having your house on 24 hour lockdown means you are a prisoner too. Cleaning up urine three or more times a day means your laundry will escalate. When the paranoia sets in it can be very painful to hear she thinks you are stealing from her. I took mom to the emergency room when she had a bad nose bleed and they called in a social worker to question me! They later determined her blood pressure meds needed adjustment. While my mom didn't like the assisted care facility at first, later she enjoyed being around people from the same generation experiencing the same issues she was. The caregivers there are very patient and can go home at the end of their shifts and take vacations. It will be easier on her now to make the move. As the confusion of Alzheimer's progress it can be even more scary for her. My mom lived with me almost a year, and for the first month she was fine.... She then became agitated and bored and things began to change. Homes are set up to provide a more social and therapeutic environment. Lots to think about...
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Warning: Assisted Living and Memory Care are appealing: .great food, amenities, activities etc. but typically short- term solutions. Average stay is 2 years. My husband's dad just adjusted after 9 months....joined activities, made friends...finally happy. Now has 30 days to get out because they decided he needs more care. Memory Care might keep him for a year and next step is nursing home. Depressing hospital room, hospital food, 1 aide caring for 15 patients, shower once a week. Just realize its a stepping stone and not permanent. Don't let the salespeople fool you.
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All nursing homes are not created equal. Look around your area, check reviews and state evaluations. To be honest most of the the time elderly only need 1 shower a week because their skin is dry. Good peri care and skin checks for sores and break downs are crucial though as well as daily oral care. Where I live I have not seen 15 patients to 1 CNA but that's why you always do research. Best of luck. It's scary but my mom in law went right into an Alzheimer's nursing home facility and she is loved and cared for and my husband sees her frequently during the week. Just because you place them there doesn't mean you can't participate in their daily living.
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How long has she lived with your mother?

How long as it been since you lived with them?

Why does your mother object to Granny moving in with you?

How old are you? Are you married? Kids?

A little information would help with more specific responses.
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Your presenting question concerns can you stop your mother from putting your grandmother in a nursing home if your mother has POA? The simple answer is no.

You can't stop this unless you want to go through the painful and expensive task of becoming your grandmother's guardian which would mean taking your grandmother to court, having two doctor's testify that she is no longer competent, and then hoping the judge picks you as the guardian. If you chose to do this, you might damage your relationship with your mother.

My dad has Alzheimer's and within a year of being diagnosed with this already has trouble knowing who I am. He is 89 and in otherwise good health. I don't know how long she has had Alzheimer's, but I share my dad's experience to say that this disease can cause a person to decline very rapidly and they do become more difficult to help 24/7 by just one person. If your mother has been caring for her mother 24/7 solo, then she is ready for a break and probably can tell that it is time for your grandmother to go to a nursing home.
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Cmagnum...unless Granny has been declared mentally incompetent, she can do what she wants and POA can't stop her. Im 50 and my POA is 20. I make my own decisions until I am declared legally incompetent....then she takes over.
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MooMoo. I am curious where you live. I have heard nursing homes are better in more progressive places like California. Not here. Statistics are often misleading. The home my parents were in is supposedly "the best in town." They said "3 nurses on each floor." Yes...one on morning, one on afternoon, and one on evening. The evening nurse was responsible for all 10 floors! Very misleading.
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I think pipruby nailed it. Take care of granny right where she is, 24/7 so mom doesn't have to do it anymore. That will give you a good picture of what you are facing. Send Mom on a vacation, and try it for two weeks before you make a decision. That will be the reality check.
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VickiRuff, so sorry for your terrible experience. My mom was in a rehab that was rated the best in the county and after open heart surgery she was totally neglected. My friend went to see her as my husband had surgery for cancer and I was swamped! She didn't have a call bell she was all pee when my friend walked in, needless to say she let them have it! So my point was I have seen both good and bad and research is important. There was a company my husband worked with and they help you place your loved one and they are researched before hand. The company is called Concierge Care Advisors. I hope this helps.
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Yes it is possible, especially if she doesn't want to go into one.
We were able to fight the POA's using elder care abuse, because she was able to say over and over, that she did not want to go into a nursing home, but she also has to be able to say that she wants you to do it, and it can be verbal, make sure you initiate a visit with senior abuse while she is visiting you...
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POAs can be revoked by the person who granted it. They need not be permanent. Guardianships are more complicated and expensive.
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