Mom wants to put granny in a home but we want to take her into our home. Can we stop her if she has POA? - AgingCare.com

Mom wants to put granny in a home but we want to take her into our home. Can we stop her if she has POA?

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I used to live with my mom & help take care of my granny. She still lives with my mom but she doesn't want her anymore. I want her to live with me & my mom's brother would help too! None of the family want her to go in a home except for my mother! Granny has Alzheimer's but knows who we all our & can still take care of herself. She just needs a little built of help (she's 97:-)) my granny doesn't understand my mom wants to do this to her but says she would rather live with me than go in a home! Is there any way to stop her? We always said when she didn't know us or couldn't take care of herself, then she would go in. But not now while she still gets around & dances & cleans & takes care of herself !! Thanx:-)

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Most times, only the 24-hour caregiver knows the Real situation at home. My dad was able to fool a lot of people for years. Even his doctors. He's very smart and can talk intellectually. But at home, with no one else's eyes watching him, he shows his real self - the forgetfulness, the peeing on himself because he didn't have time to make it to the bathroom, the confusion of the days, etc... So, every day, he would ask me what day is today. Oh, Monday, so-and-so comes to visit, Tuesday is so-and-so, etc... When family is coming to visit in the weekend, he goes and changes his clothes so that he's not stinky. It was a struggle to get him to shower weekly. Then it was every 2 weeks.

What I'm trying to get at is this. Perhaps your mother sees how grandma really is - in the privacy in the home without any others seeing it. Maybe, just maybe, your grandmother is giving your mother more and more resistance to being help. To the point that your mother can no longer or is just too tired of caregiving grandmother 24-hours every day by herself. At least in a home, there would 24-hour caregiving - in shifts.

I think the most important thing to do is sit down and have a heart-to-heart talk with your mom. No Accusations. No Blame. Just build the conversation towards grandma, her wishes, your mom's caregiving, and what made her decide that it is now time to put her in a home. If you can be Neutral, then your mom, hopefully, will be able to open up to you what is really going on inside the home, how She is feeling, etc... Maybe, just maybe, if you handle this right, she might let grandma stay with you for a limited trial period. A year sounds about right. Not too long and not too short.

You do know, that when grandma moves in with you, that you become responsible for her, right? If she falls, and gets bruised, that the authorities would automatically think "elderly neglect"? My dad just recently went to the ER. One of the questions they asked me was, "Did he fall or get hurt?" I replied No. Sister-in-law said that if I had answered "yes", the medical staff is obligated to report this to authorities. Then I would be investigated to see if there was elderly abuse in the home. You see, our DA's pet project is Elderly Abuse.
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Hello Dawny, Have you maybe given this a trial run? Maybe just have Granny come visit for a week or two? Definitely bill it as visit, not as coming to live with you. It would give your mothet a break and give you a taste of what you might be getting into. You my change your mind entirely.
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What's the home like, Dawny? Before you assume your granny would be miserable there, go and have a look at it. You might be pleasantly surprised at how well she'd be looked after there, and how much she'd have to enjoy in the way of company and activities.

If you're not, and you still hate the idea, and you want to change your mother's mind, then what you have to do is come up with a REALLY practical alternative. Even the best intentions aren't enough: you need expertise, space, a full care team, access to medical and nursing services, and above all you need time.

The other point to make is that it's a mistake to wait until your granny has really declined before you commit her to a nursing home. If it's going to happen, it is MUCH better for her to walk in than to be wheeled in. She'll have a far greater chance of establishing a good quality of life if she's still comparatively well when the move happens.

If your grandmother didn't have dementia, I'd agree with Captain that you can always give it a try and see how it goes. But with dementia, change is very hard to manage and the outcome could be your granny ending up in a worse situation: still in a nursing home, but really upset and confused from the outset.

So. Come up with a hard-headed, clear-eyed, realistic, practical, budgeted plan and maybe your mother will agree to it. Don't forget: she wants the best for your granny, too.
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Oh Dawny I believe your intentions are good but there is so much care needed for your Granny than you can handle..

Please search through this site for questions/answers similar to yours..

Hugs.. I have to believe that your mother is acting in your Granny's best interest. Taking care of an ALZ. patient is unpaid 24hour a day work for 7 days a week.
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Its getting harder on me in my situation. I understand and agree with how you feel and what you want to do. Your granny is a very lucky lady. I do not understand Alzheimer's because my grandfather doesnt have it, but, I understand its very hard to handle esp by yourself. If you other family wants to help now, but cant later, what will you do? Hiring caregivers is very expensive as Im looking to do so for my grandfather.

I agree with you about not wanting her in a home and she is 97 which is wonderful! I agree with the others, see if you can take a trial run for a couple months ( its usually takes a bit for the stress and pressure to kick in) and if it works out wonderful :) But be prepared that if your mom and grandmother agree to this, it might be on your shoulders one day to have to admit her in a NH.

You should try to visit a home where the disease is advanced, to get an idea what you will be dealing with. I wish you all the best luck and prayers and hope you all find whats best for granny, even if it is the nursing home. She may really like the nursing home :) There are good ones out there!
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Taking care of you granny right now may work, but Alzheimer's can advance rapidly. Having your house on 24 hour lockdown means you are a prisoner too. Cleaning up urine three or more times a day means your laundry will escalate. When the paranoia sets in it can be very painful to hear she thinks you are stealing from her. I took mom to the emergency room when she had a bad nose bleed and they called in a social worker to question me! They later determined her blood pressure meds needed adjustment. While my mom didn't like the assisted care facility at first, later she enjoyed being around people from the same generation experiencing the same issues she was. The caregivers there are very patient and can go home at the end of their shifts and take vacations. It will be easier on her now to make the move. As the confusion of Alzheimer's progress it can be even more scary for her. My mom lived with me almost a year, and for the first month she was fine.... She then became agitated and bored and things began to change. Homes are set up to provide a more social and therapeutic environment. Lots to think about...
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I think pipruby nailed it. Take care of granny right where she is, 24/7 so mom doesn't have to do it anymore. That will give you a good picture of what you are facing. Send Mom on a vacation, and try it for two weeks before you make a decision. That will be the reality check.
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All nursing homes are not created equal. Look around your area, check reviews and state evaluations. To be honest most of the the time elderly only need 1 shower a week because their skin is dry. Good peri care and skin checks for sores and break downs are crucial though as well as daily oral care. Where I live I have not seen 15 patients to 1 CNA but that's why you always do research. Best of luck. It's scary but my mom in law went right into an Alzheimer's nursing home facility and she is loved and cared for and my husband sees her frequently during the week. Just because you place them there doesn't mean you can't participate in their daily living.
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Who is Granny's Health Care Proxy? That person is in charge of her medical decisions. You need to consult an elder care attorney, which can be expensive. One option would be going for guardianship but you'd have to prove mom's negligence and this too is very expensive. Taking care of someone 24 hours a day, 7 days a week is a job unimaginable until.you find yourself in that situation. Is your mom a mean or selfish person? My guess is no. I'm sure she's given a great deal of thought to her decision and maybe you should trust her on this one.
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***If your loved one has not been declared legally incompetent she can do whatever she wants.
***If your loved one wants to name you POA and HCP she can simply fill out new forms. They supersede the old ones.

I was in your exact situation and wanted to care for my parents at home with hired help. My brothers put them in a nursing home and did everything possible to exclude me...even having me removed from their Health Care Proxy. (They are confused and will sign anything their kids ask them to.) i called Adult Protective and I finally realized they could do whatever they wanted as long as they were not declared incompetent, so I took them home. Adult Protective Services was called to inspect, and were impressed with the care I was providing. Note: I did have to purchase/rent ramps and other necessary safety equipment. You can find these items used on e-bay, or get them for free at many local fire departments and such. Research everything online!!!

Everyone said I was crazy, I didn't know what I was getting in to, blah, blah. Taking them home was the BEST decision I ever made. Nursing homes are ALL understaffed. The care and quality of life are atrocious. (My parents were in a very "reputable" home.) I ended up quitting my job to care for them myself at the nursing home for 12 hours each day. Unless someone has observed all day for several days they have no idea how substandard and depressing it is. My parents would be dead by now if they had stayed there. My mom was always dehydrated and my dad went for weeks with untreated UTIs

The US is one of the only countries that puts their elders in these institutions. Most countries take care of their elders at home. It is no different than sending your old family pet to the pound.

Yes it is difficult. So is having children, caring for pets, and getting a degree. That doesn't mean we shouldn't do it. Where there's a will there's a way.

You will definitely need help and there are many options available. Talk to a lawyer about applying for Medicaid. They know how to transfer monies before applying. Medicaid will assess the situation and most likely provide some covered hours (by Medicaid approved caregivers) in the home. Go online to find Medicaid approved caregivers. You have a choice in who you hire...don't let anyone tell you that you don't.

There are also day programs for seniors which offer social/interactive activities, Meals on Wheels for inexpensive meals, doctors who make home visits, free prescription delivery (some Rite Aid stores) and a variety of other helpful resources that no one seems to know about.

God Bless You.
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