Mom took good care of her parents & my dad when they were all old & sick. Now it's my turn to care for mom but I hate it...

My wife and I took care of my wife's father (cancer)and her mother (myriad illnesses) for eight years, helped my father get into a nursing home, then into assisted living, then back into a nursing home, and visited from 800 miles away every month. We helped my mother make the transition from their home of 65 years into assisted living, then into a nursing home after dad's death, then into our home last year. We've gone through all of the financial and physical stuff (cleaning and getting their house ready to sell - did I mention 65 years of hoarding? Now, mom (99 years old) lives with us, dementia, blindness, deafness and all, along with racist, rightwing white nationalist leanings. My wife is having a hard time of it. Neither her brothers and sisters nor mine ever did any of this, and have lived their lives happily apart. Getting some to call is always hard. With the Coronavirus, the support systems we put in place are gone, and, though we wouldn't consider putting her in jeopardy by placing her somewhere, I worry about the kind of low-level animosity between them. So, I feel for you. I don't know that there is a reward in a future heaven.

I think this is more about you than her. I take care of my 99 year old mother and your description of your mom sounds just like mine. She's been with me a year now and I've come to the realization that it is about me and what I can handle. We all have our limits and everyone is different. I made a promise to myself that when Mom's care surpasses my limits or if I run out of patience, I'll find an AL or memory care facility for her. No guilt. I will do the best I can for as long as I can, but I will know when I've reached my limit and I will do what I need to do for my own health and well-being. When Mom was younger and able to think more clearly, she would have wanted that for me. I am sure yours does too.

Not everyone is cut out to be "the one" who cares for others. You also have to figure out how this will affect your own retirement, your relationship with your husband, your own health. Do not beat yourself up. I personally am more comfortable with the elderly than I am with children (by a mile!), so I would rather be involved with hospice than EVER working in a school. But I don't think of myself as a bad person, just gifted differently. It takes all kinds, as they say. So find someone that you feel comfortable having in to help during this time, or find a place where she can go and then go visit as her daughter, not her caretaker. Good luck.

My parents never had to take care of any of theirs. They took off to FL for a long carefree retirement of over 20 years. Then when they got sick, they moved back to WI to be "close to family." So "family" (myself and my brother) are in charge. The other three kids all live nearby but rarely do anything to help.

Brother and I were at their home 24/7 for a while. Dad too sick to do anything but sit in a recliner. In and out of hospital multiple times (while I sat with him all day,) Finally placed on hospice status and at that point decided to move them out of the house to AL. Dad needed constant supervision: multiple meds, wound care, incontinence of both types. He could not do a thing for himself and always had a demand. Mom could help a little but she has dementia and has a total loss of short term memory. Just listening to her repeat herself multiple times a minute was driving him crazy (and me too.)

When dad passed, we arranged for mom to go to a memory care wing in the same facility. At first I felt guilty: should I take mom home? But our house is not well set up for that (stairs,) and my husband, having gone through the same thing with his grandmother and dad, starting when he was only 27, had enough of elder care.

I'm 70 and could not handle taking care of another adult who has no memory and wants constant entertainment. My mom is a lot like yours: no hobbies or interests and never developed any close friendships. All she did was wait on "dad." You don't want to be like that when you get older. Consider memory care for your mother or you will age a lot quicker than you want.

I haven't read any responses, but I want to ask, If your mom is physically okay, why is she being allowed to make a mess in the bathroom and you have to clean it?

It sounds like you need to set some house rules and expectations for behavior.

Leaving a filthy mess in the bathroom doesn't say she is physically healthy, because physically healthy people can use the toilet without creating an unsanitary mess.

Edit: reading responses and I see she has dementia. It is time for incontinence underwear and someone helping her in the bathroom. She may not like it but she has no choice if she can't deal with it alone and she can't.

Your mother's life was different from yours. She didn't live in America, for a start.

So don't compare her priorities with your own. It isn't that hers weren't just as valid, but the course she naturally followed in India is not one that is available to you or normal for you in your circumstances as they really are, in the US, in 2020.

Trying to do so ultimately leads you to say silly things such as "she is ruining my life." No, she isn't. Your trying to be all things to all people, which is not possible, is creating a level of stress which is making you miserable. It's not at all the same thing.

It also leads to your finding it actually painful that this woman, who adores you, wants to look at you. Adulation can feel uncomfortable, of course, this is so; but to allow her to drink you in for an hour or two can't really do you any harm. Or not unless it comes at the end of a working day plus a full household routine when all you want to cope with is a glass of wine and some undemanding t.v.

So - this aide you hired. How's it going with her? Is the "health endangerment" comment related to this person's coming into the household, is that what your husband means?

Please, Please, Do Not Feel Guilty. You are entitled to have a life for yourself and do not have to give it up for your mom. Not everyone is cut out to be a home caregiver for their loved one. I was trying to be one for my ailing husband for about 2 years and just recently "woke up" and decided to bail out. Now looking for a nursing home for him. The stress had been driving me nearly crazy, so it feels good that I am on my way to getting most of my life back. Will still visit him as allowed and stay in touch by phone. You are not a bad daughter, and I am not a bad wife.

Alice S.

You say she sometimes soil the bathroom…

I returned home a little over eight years ago to keep my 96 year old at home. Of course she was 88 yrs. old then; I knew the time had come. A sitter told me one day “she needs diapers” and my sitter showed me how to use them. Those diapers lessened my workload to not have to clean the floors after her anymore.

Imho, you are a STELLAR daughter as evident by your post on this wonderful forum. The words that you used are none of what you are at all. Caregiving is hard. The dynamic of what your mother did holds no BEARING on the current year. Reconsider the fact that your mother may require the help of a medical professional. God bless you.

You are not a bad daughter. I am living your nightmare! I moved in with mom after dad had passed. All my mother wanted was to stay in her home. After 2 fires on the stove and 1 in the oven, here I am. This was almost 7 yrs ago. Mom will be 95 in November, dementia, thinks she is a princess, as that is how my father treated her. Very hard headed and wants her way all the time. No one can Reason with her any longer. I never would have guessed she would have lived this long after the passing of my dad. Mom has been telling everyone she is having a party for her 100th. 😳So, I am trying to prepare myself 🤯. It is without a doubt the hardest, most frustrating, job I have ever done. Not sure I would do it again. It is 24/7/365. I have pretty much given up my life, or anything I want to do. Every minute of the day is about what mom wants.
So, do not feel guilty, or think about being a bad daughter. I envy your position, that you can still have a life of your own. If there is any way you can put her somewhere and feel comfortable about it, do it. Good Luck!

Something that I didn't fully take in is that your mother might be a recent immigrant - aka not a citizen (not likely she would pass the test if she has dementia.) That makes everything a bit more difficult. MC isn't cheap and more than likely she won't qualify for Medicaid, so it would be self-pay. Now, if she has assets and can pay all or most, that helps. In-home care can get more expensive, but if you only hire someone to cover the time you work, it wouldn't be as bad.

I still maintain your feelings about the whole care-giving issue are acceptable and understandable. It's also understandable how you might view yourself as a failure if mom could work all this magic and you can't. You are not your mother, you are very young and have a whole life to build ahead of you. She did what had to be done, you will manage to find a way to do what has to be done - that doesn't mean doing all the hands-on yourself. It means you will find a way!

Best of luck (and ignore the negative Nancys who try to layer guilt on us, esp those of us who can't or won't do the hands-on care. It ISN'T anywhere close to the same as pet care or child care, which is their typical reasoning.)

Not in my opinion! Sharing your situation suggests you have a genuine invested conscious and care how this behavior may seem to others, that causes you to question yourself. Your reaching out on this format for some guidance is more admirable than the self-condemnation. I hope you can gather as much useful information as possible to help you among the people that share here. Good luck!

No you’re not a bad daughter.
My dad had dementia and some other medical issues. I did my best to help him get his independence back but he only went so far .

I knew we couldn’t do home care.
I work, my husband and my daughter have full time jobs. We have to work or we won’t have s roof over our heads. Having people in and out of our house would have been very disruptive.
I knew my dad. He would get angry and not cooperate with me or the caregivers. He did that in the nursing facility but they have several people who could reach him and they come in fresh each shift.
I could not care for him 24/7.
My dad cared for my mom for 15 years. That impacted my life even though they didn’t live with me .
Day in and out I heard his frustration
and it took away my attention from my daughter who was young at the time. I made the best of the situation and so did he buy it’s extremely difficult for one person.
He had the false belief that she would get better but that was not realistic.
Do what’s best for you and your mom when the time comes that you have to. If you get sick she won’t have you so please consider everything.

Best to you and your mom

Sounds like she may be closer to memory care than you may like. Explore all her care options and adjust your expectations of what you alone can accomplish. Are you a bad daughter? It is harder for you because of your family’s tradition of home care only, but when it eventually comes down to it, she will need more care than you can handle.

The answer is that you love and want to care for your mother. All the distress you are feeling is natural. Focus on planning her options.

Care taking is very difficult. It is not for everyone. If you can use her monies to pay for a decent assisted living that might be better. Or if you share her care. Part time she stays with another family member?
Join a support group in your town if possible. Check your local senior center. Talk to your friends and family about your stress. Always remember your mom is struggling with old age too. It is horrible to be dependent on someone. Try to see life through her eyes.
It might be time to look into assistance or assisted living.
Most of all, DO NOT BEAT yourself up. Caregiving is hard. Be kind to yourself but make sure your mother gets care.

I get it. You aren’t a bad Daughter-just a human being who wants a life. Maybe you. Outdoor hire someone to give you a break? Even for a few hours? It makes a difference in patience.

What she did or did not do has nothing to do with you - perhaps it was her culture or brainwashing. YOU have a life to lead NOW. Your husband is taking her side over your being affected by it. This frightens me as to how cultures look at things differently. I am a firm believer that NOT everyone will make a good caretaker with unlimited patience and give up their lives willingly. I take the stand that as soon as their behavior and demands and needs start taking a very bad toll on you, that is the time they must go. And if your husband is not with the and doesn't see it, are you sure you want to be married to him for all time to come? Are you able to support yourself if you have a job. Sometimes being alone is not the worst thing in the world. Please think on this.

"Am I a bad daughter????"
No.
"Mom is physically ok and not ready for memory care."
Based on your description of her behaviors, what makes you so sure that she isn't ready? Is SHE not ready or are YOU not ready to consider it?

I have not read the other comments yet, so if this has been covered, I apologize. Sometimes people, even on this forum, will chastise us for not caring for our parents. Oh, they gave up everything for you, etc. Oh back in the day family always care for family... and so on. However your raising mom onto a pedestal and feeling you are failing at the same is missing some information. Were her parents and your dad just old, medically compromised, frail, etc or did they have dementia? I am well aware that my mother and her sisters took turns caring for their mother. The differences are:
1) their mother did NOT have dementia.
2) their mother was EASY to care for.
3) their mother could be left alone during the day.
4) their mother passed ~age 76 before most of the siblings hit retirement age

I had, many times over the years, considered taking my parents in, even offered once, although I really felt that was NOT going to work out well, at least for me. Mom and dad had a GREAT retirement, traveled a lot, partied a lot with friends and family, had a place in FL for winter, etc. MANY golden years! After dad passed, she was content living in her condo and doing for herself. She was just about 90-91 when signs of dementia showed up. First the car had to go. That wasn't fun. I filled in to take her shopping or deliver supplies. Then I had to take over the finances. She still lived alone, so it wasn't clear how much she was forgetting, but she was content. It became more obvious over time, like finding the fruits/veggies purchased the last time all shriveled up in the fridge! She wasn't cooking, but was relying on frozen dinners and boxed/canned stuff. But, being unable to understand that or plan, she wasn't buying enough to last between trips to the store!

So, if your grandparents and dad did not have dementia, it is still an honorable thing your mother did in caring for them, but it should NOT reflect back on how difficult this is for you. Another factor is whether your mother was working at the time she had to care for them. Back in the day, women could stay home and could provide the care needed for young and old. Today it often takes 2 incomes to make ends meet, but it is also something that many women DO want - a fulfilling existence, working in a chosen loved profession!

Do reconsider whether she might be better off in a MC facility. It doesn't mean you abandon her. It DOES mean that you can become her daughter again, advocate for her and visit her often, instead of being a nursemaid hovering over her and cleaning up after her. Take her out (after virus), bring her gifts, spend quality time with her!

We tried bringing in aides, to keep mom in her home as long as possible, but after less than 2 months she refused to let them in. For multiple reasons (age, my own physical issues, a house that isn't handi-capped and likely can't be, plus a woman who outweighs me by a lot and won't stand/walk without a LOT of help that I can't provide), I chose not to take her in. Her place wouldn't have been a good choice either, so I did my best to find a very nice place, not too far from my house (her condo was 1.5 hr away!), manage everything for her, visit often when I still could and see to it that she gets the best care and her needs are provided for! Even that can take up a lot of time, but it would be better than what you are going through now. Much as we might want to follow in a beloved parent's footsteps, sometimes we have to find a different path - not a bad one, just different. You are NOT your mother and should NOT feel less of yourself that this daunting task has you in over your head!

Dementia REALLY changes everything.

You are NOT a bad daughter.  In the last generation that is what mothers did mainly because they did not work outside the home and just took care of the house and the family.  Newer times requires more than 1 person working in a household (unless your partner makes big money) and can make it more difficult for the care of a parent to be done by the child.  Don't feel bad that you need your space and that you can't take care of her like she did her parents.  With the beginnings of dementia it is easier now but they go thru so many different stages and she might (not always) go thru a nasty stage, IF you don't think you can handle it......get outside help.  Speak with someone at an office of the aging for guidance.  Again you are NOT a bad daughter.........you are working for your own independence (separate from your hubbys) to make you feel important and doing a school job takes a special person.  Wishing you luck.

Not everyone is cut out for caregiving. Your Mom needs someone who is patient and loving. Try hiring help?

Please don’t quit your job or life, you’ll end up getting sick yourself. Where there’s a will there’s a way, your mother came up in a different tradition one we should not carry on at the expense of ourselves.

There are caregivers that could use the work, even tho your husband is pressuring you to quit you’ll be mad at yourself if you do.

Cheerfully find the care she needs however that may look, we don’t have to follow rigid rules of the past where no one was happy.

there are so many options today :)

How can you EVER turn your back on your Mother?? This is unsettling. The fact that you need to ask this question, says all I need to hear. I hope if you have children , you are not their only role model .

An Independent Living Facility is the answer-- she will have sooooo many friends there--- they all sit with eachother in the dining area 3 times a day and yack ! She will love it. Besides it is safer for them now to be semi-quarantined-- now go do your homework and eat lunch at the few places you like and examine the rooms and the entertainment director's room and yearly entertainment schedule. Good luck. Pick a good one and take her there for lunch along with two other upbeat positive folks in your family. My mother just loved her ILF ( run by Holiday -- I believe all over the country)... Yes you can bring her her favourite Indian Meals off and on.

People advise putting LO in a home but that costs $5,000 amonth. How are people doing that for long term or even a couple of months

It is totally normal to feel this way. I would advise to get help from professional. This illness can ruin people's live and the sense of guilt will trap you. You said she took care of her eldery parents but was it dementia? Dementia is another ball game. Only those who have taken care of a patient can understand.It gets messy.
We are currently taking care of my MIL and it is literally a village caring for her and I still feel overwhelmed. I dont have children just a job and cant wait to have our lives back. And this is when we feel guilty because the only way to peace is when they pass specially if putting her in a home is not an option like it is not for us because of Cultural barriers. I have visisted some nice places where we could put her in but family does not want to.

Please keep in mind that some people are caregivers and some are not. Some people are wonderful cooks and some are not. Both are connected to patience perhaps, I’m not sure.

So, no you are not a bad daughter. You are a daughter that knows her limits. In my book, that makes you a smart daughter. You know to get your Mother better care than you can give.

By the way, tell your husband that if someone has to become the caregiver, it will have to be him, lol.

Sweetheart don't be so hard on yourself. There are many agencies, affiliations, Some States that pays you to take care of her, contact the office of aging maybe they can assist you if your low income or if she is low income the qualifies you for an aide.

You need to reach out for help it would make it easier to live at home with your mother possibly get back to work a little bit and you would not feel so bad. Alliance on aging.
There are so many resources out there to offer you help you.

Best of luck and warm thoughts!
WhiteFeather

I'm in a similar situation and can relate to so much of what you are feeling (the staring thing is so weird, isn't it?). I'm a good daughter, and so are you.

Look into your county's Agency on Aging. They can help you find low- or no-cost options for day center care. I know that's not much help right now during Covid, but one of these days we'll all emerge from this. I'm counting the days until I can get my mom into daycare, for her sake and mine.

Also, joining a support group might help you see that you ARE a good daughter, and you're not alone. Look at Daughterhood.org - they're running virtual support groups right now for people in your exact situation.

Best wishes to you!

It takes a lot of patience to hear repeated stories. I just start singing my favorite song quietly in my head
If you have photo's of your family (her husband and her parents ect. ) join them together and make a movie out of it with her favorite music playing in the background.
It depends upon the stupid things. As long as she is not hurting anyone, including herself leave her alone.
Get use to the fact you will not get any help from your brother. It is very common with caregivers (the only thing my family helps is helping themselves to her money).
I do not know where you live but in most Western Countries there are agencies that can help you. Look up on Google your local government and non governmental agencies.

No, you are not a bad daughter. You and your mother are two different people. I'm sure your mom didn't want to give up her life to take care of her parents and run herself ragged caring for them for years. If she loves you then she wouldn't want you to ruin your life for years at a time doing the same thing. You say she has no hobbies or interests. Maybe she could get some? Like going to a senior center or adult daycare center a few days a week. She probably won't be receptive to the idea at first because most elders don't want to try anything new. They expect their adult children to alleviate their boredom and to be able to read their minds and predict what they want. No one can do that. Send her to adult daycare or some other senior activity against her will if you must. She will be angry at you for a while but then will very likely appreciate it because it will give her socialization with other people and you both will get a break from each other.