Mom took good care of her parents & my dad when they were all old & sick. Now it's my turn to care for mom but I hate it...

Not in my opinion! Sharing your situation suggests you have a genuine invested conscious and care how this behavior may seem to others, that causes you to question yourself. Your reaching out on this format for some guidance is more admirable than the self-condemnation. I hope you can gather as much useful information as possible to help you among the people that share here. Good luck!

Something that I didn't fully take in is that your mother might be a recent immigrant - aka not a citizen (not likely she would pass the test if she has dementia.) That makes everything a bit more difficult. MC isn't cheap and more than likely she won't qualify for Medicaid, so it would be self-pay. Now, if she has assets and can pay all or most, that helps. In-home care can get more expensive, but if you only hire someone to cover the time you work, it wouldn't be as bad.

I still maintain your feelings about the whole care-giving issue are acceptable and understandable. It's also understandable how you might view yourself as a failure if mom could work all this magic and you can't. You are not your mother, you are very young and have a whole life to build ahead of you. She did what had to be done, you will manage to find a way to do what has to be done - that doesn't mean doing all the hands-on yourself. It means you will find a way!

Best of luck (and ignore the negative Nancys who try to layer guilt on us, esp those of us who can't or won't do the hands-on care. It ISN'T anywhere close to the same as pet care or child care, which is their typical reasoning.)

You are not a bad daughter. I am living your nightmare! I moved in with mom after dad had passed. All my mother wanted was to stay in her home. After 2 fires on the stove and 1 in the oven, here I am. This was almost 7 yrs ago. Mom will be 95 in November, dementia, thinks she is a princess, as that is how my father treated her. Very hard headed and wants her way all the time. No one can Reason with her any longer. I never would have guessed she would have lived this long after the passing of my dad. Mom has been telling everyone she is having a party for her 100th. 😳So, I am trying to prepare myself 🤯. It is without a doubt the hardest, most frustrating, job I have ever done. Not sure I would do it again. It is 24/7/365. I have pretty much given up my life, or anything I want to do. Every minute of the day is about what mom wants.
So, do not feel guilty, or think about being a bad daughter. I envy your position, that you can still have a life of your own. If there is any way you can put her somewhere and feel comfortable about it, do it. Good Luck!

Imho, you are a STELLAR daughter as evident by your post on this wonderful forum. The words that you used are none of what you are at all. Caregiving is hard. The dynamic of what your mother did holds no BEARING on the current year. Reconsider the fact that your mother may require the help of a medical professional. God bless you.

You say she sometimes soil the bathroom…

I returned home a little over eight years ago to keep my 96 year old at home. Of course she was 88 yrs. old then; I knew the time had come. A sitter told me one day “she needs diapers” and my sitter showed me how to use them. Those diapers lessened my workload to not have to clean the floors after her anymore.

Please, Please, Do Not Feel Guilty. You are entitled to have a life for yourself and do not have to give it up for your mom. Not everyone is cut out to be a home caregiver for their loved one. I was trying to be one for my ailing husband for about 2 years and just recently "woke up" and decided to bail out. Now looking for a nursing home for him. The stress had been driving me nearly crazy, so it feels good that I am on my way to getting most of my life back. Will still visit him as allowed and stay in touch by phone. You are not a bad daughter, and I am not a bad wife.

Alice S.

Your mother's life was different from yours. She didn't live in America, for a start.

So don't compare her priorities with your own. It isn't that hers weren't just as valid, but the course she naturally followed in India is not one that is available to you or normal for you in your circumstances as they really are, in the US, in 2020.

Trying to do so ultimately leads you to say silly things such as "she is ruining my life." No, she isn't. Your trying to be all things to all people, which is not possible, is creating a level of stress which is making you miserable. It's not at all the same thing.

It also leads to your finding it actually painful that this woman, who adores you, wants to look at you. Adulation can feel uncomfortable, of course, this is so; but to allow her to drink you in for an hour or two can't really do you any harm. Or not unless it comes at the end of a working day plus a full household routine when all you want to cope with is a glass of wine and some undemanding t.v.

So - this aide you hired. How's it going with her? Is the "health endangerment" comment related to this person's coming into the household, is that what your husband means?

I haven't read any responses, but I want to ask, If your mom is physically okay, why is she being allowed to make a mess in the bathroom and you have to clean it?

It sounds like you need to set some house rules and expectations for behavior.

Leaving a filthy mess in the bathroom doesn't say she is physically healthy, because physically healthy people can use the toilet without creating an unsanitary mess.

Edit: reading responses and I see she has dementia. It is time for incontinence underwear and someone helping her in the bathroom. She may not like it but she has no choice if she can't deal with it alone and she can't.

My parents never had to take care of any of theirs. They took off to FL for a long carefree retirement of over 20 years. Then when they got sick, they moved back to WI to be "close to family." So "family" (myself and my brother) are in charge. The other three kids all live nearby but rarely do anything to help.

Brother and I were at their home 24/7 for a while. Dad too sick to do anything but sit in a recliner. In and out of hospital multiple times (while I sat with him all day,) Finally placed on hospice status and at that point decided to move them out of the house to AL. Dad needed constant supervision: multiple meds, wound care, incontinence of both types. He could not do a thing for himself and always had a demand. Mom could help a little but she has dementia and has a total loss of short term memory. Just listening to her repeat herself multiple times a minute was driving him crazy (and me too.)

When dad passed, we arranged for mom to go to a memory care wing in the same facility. At first I felt guilty: should I take mom home? But our house is not well set up for that (stairs,) and my husband, having gone through the same thing with his grandmother and dad, starting when he was only 27, had enough of elder care.

I'm 70 and could not handle taking care of another adult who has no memory and wants constant entertainment. My mom is a lot like yours: no hobbies or interests and never developed any close friendships. All she did was wait on "dad." You don't want to be like that when you get older. Consider memory care for your mother or you will age a lot quicker than you want.

Not everyone is cut out to be "the one" who cares for others. You also have to figure out how this will affect your own retirement, your relationship with your husband, your own health. Do not beat yourself up. I personally am more comfortable with the elderly than I am with children (by a mile!), so I would rather be involved with hospice than EVER working in a school. But I don't think of myself as a bad person, just gifted differently. It takes all kinds, as they say. So find someone that you feel comfortable having in to help during this time, or find a place where she can go and then go visit as her daughter, not her caretaker. Good luck.

I think this is more about you than her. I take care of my 99 year old mother and your description of your mom sounds just like mine. She's been with me a year now and I've come to the realization that it is about me and what I can handle. We all have our limits and everyone is different. I made a promise to myself that when Mom's care surpasses my limits or if I run out of patience, I'll find an AL or memory care facility for her. No guilt. I will do the best I can for as long as I can, but I will know when I've reached my limit and I will do what I need to do for my own health and well-being. When Mom was younger and able to think more clearly, she would have wanted that for me. I am sure yours does too.

My wife and I took care of my wife's father (cancer)and her mother (myriad illnesses) for eight years, helped my father get into a nursing home, then into assisted living, then back into a nursing home, and visited from 800 miles away every month. We helped my mother make the transition from their home of 65 years into assisted living, then into a nursing home after dad's death, then into our home last year. We've gone through all of the financial and physical stuff (cleaning and getting their house ready to sell - did I mention 65 years of hoarding? Now, mom (99 years old) lives with us, dementia, blindness, deafness and all, along with racist, rightwing white nationalist leanings. My wife is having a hard time of it. Neither her brothers and sisters nor mine ever did any of this, and have lived their lives happily apart. Getting some to call is always hard. With the Coronavirus, the support systems we put in place are gone, and, though we wouldn't consider putting her in jeopardy by placing her somewhere, I worry about the kind of low-level animosity between them. So, I feel for you. I don't know that there is a reward in a future heaven.