Mom is threatening to starve herself to death. Any advice?

Jax, welcome!

Certainly, call her doctor, but when ANYONE threatens suicide (whether by starvation or other means) the appropriate response is to call 911 and have the person taken to a hospital that has a proper psychiatric unit.

Once mom is admitted to the hospital, you are entirely within your rights to tell the social workers that you will NOT be allowing her to return to your home as this would be an "unsafe discharge". You are not equipped (nor are any of us) to deal with someone with this level of mental illness (hoarding is, by definition, a mental illness).

Just to note, my MIL did in fact starve herself to death; she decided, after ill-advised aortic aneurysm surgery and possibly a stroke during recovery that she was done and refused food.

She was admitted to a nursing home and died there about 2 months later.

How hurtful of your mother to threaten you in this way after what you have experienced with your husband. Her behavior seems manipulative and just plain mean.

Has she always been like this?

It may well be time now to consider placement where Mom doesn't have the opportunity to Hoard. That is an untenable situation for you and your home to be placed in, and Mom won't be able to control nor change her behavior at this point. You do need to understand that at this point the removal of her last "treasure" would likely have a serious affect on her. Her wish to "go" is likely to her a very rational one; she would prefer it to losing the last of her "stuff" and her personal connection to it is like losing the "self".
I suggest you start with a counselor versed in hoarding behavior; there are specialists in this. Try to consider with that person what options may exist. I am so sorry for all you are going through and wish you well.

Hoarders suffer a form of OCD. Some times, they might improve with psychiatric treatment (SSRI's). However, they usually have no insight and do not cooperate with treatment. Your asking her to be normal is unrealistic because she can't change on her own. Her suicide threats by starvation are manipulative attempts. Ignore them. If she refuses psych treatment, there will be no solution to your problem. Nagging her will never work, because she is sick. If you rescue an alcoholic and bring it to your home, you can't tell him/her that you won't allow drinking alcohol in your home. This is a similar situation,

It's neither here nor there whether this is manipulation, under the person's control or what have you. The woman has suicidal ideation with a plan and that calls for a psychiatric evaluation.

It is not incumbent upon this daughter to be subject to the squalor of hoarding nor for her mother's triggering behavior. She (the mother) will need to live elsewhere.

Get your mother to a geriatric psychiatrist for a professional evaluation.

So, have you spoken to mom's physician yet?

How long has your mother been living with you in your home?

You mention that it was "time for deep-cleaning." Words that are never going to bring joy to the heart of a hoarder.

So I'm wondering how long she's been there, what daily/weekly/monthly schedule for basic domestic hygiene is in place, and what she's hoarding (and how whatever it is gets over the threshold into the house).

I follow Barb and XenaJada in having a family member who decided it was time to stop eating (my grandmother was an early member of the Voluntary Euthanasia Society, nobody had any right to challenge her wishes). I don't if it was true for their loved ones too, but my grandmother didn't discuss this: her views were very well known, and she acted on them. But your mother has announced her intention, as though inviting you to plead with her.

Sigh.

What is her normal diet/meal schedule (when she isn't protesting)?
What is in her room?
How did she come to make the announcement about not having eaten for three days (bearing in mind she isn't speaking to you)?
So what's become of the planned deep-clean meanwhile?
How about personal care, clothing, continence care, trash etc.?

Are you talking to one another now, or not?

ANY talk of self harm, suicide or a threat to harm others should be taken VERY seriously.
A call to her doctor, inform the doctor of the self abuse and threat of suicide.
A call to 911, report the threat of suicide
A call to APS, report the self abuse and threats of suicide.
A call to Elder Abuse Hotline. They do take calls on self abuse
Clearly document each call, who you spoke to and the discussion you had and the outcome of the call.

Your mother is mentally abusing you and you should not have to live with that.
I do hope you are seeing, talking to someone about your own trauma.

You're absolutely right to not allow your house to become a filthy and hoarded mess. You say your mother notified you that she hasn't eaten in three days, which I'm pretty sure is a lie. You may not have seen her getting something to eat. That doesn't mean she isn't eating.
It's the very same tactic little kids use when they don't get their own way on something. Refuse to eat or hold their breath. I'd call her doctor anyway though and get his advice and documentation of the behavior. What will likely happen next is your mother will start telling others that you're starving her. Next will be you're hurting her. This happens often with the elderly when they don't get their own way on something or when they want to spite their caregivers/family. Dementia is often responsible for it, but not always. I've been a caregiver for a long time mostly to elders and am currently caring for my own mother (age 84). She uses suicide ideation all the time if she isn't getting enough attention from me or everyone else, to ruin something good, or just to spread her negativity and misery around. In fact she threatened to kill herself a couple of weeks ago because I refused to make hamburgers for dinner. Her problem isn't dementia because I've been on the receiving end of this behavior since I was a little kid. It was terrifying to me then. She's obviously never been serious. If she was she would not have reached the age of 84. Your mother wouldn't have either.
Don't play into your mother's games and that's what they are games. My first husband was an alcoholic/addict. He played these kinds of games too because this is what addicts/alcoholics to make sure the people who love them continue to enable them to be active in their addiction. By threatening suicide, your mother knows this will cut you deep because of what happened with your husband. This is her way of controlling you so you will enable her to compulsive hoarding behavior to continue. You have to tell her no. Tell her that the bedroom is getting cleaned whether she likes it or not because it's your house and you will not have filth, squalor and hoarding. Give her the choice of helping to get the room done, but it's getting done whether she helps or not. Then tell her if she wants to starve herself to death she's not doing it in your house. That she can go to a hospital or a nursing home.
She'll probably stop and have something to eat before you actually call an ambulance for her. If she wants to keep it going, call one, but I don't think she will.
It's hard to establish boundaries and to stop being an enabler. It's not impossible though. Your mother, like my mother and my ex-husband need that tough love. It's good for them and it saves lives.

My MIL was not a hoarder but she was a manipulator when it came to her boys. She also had a personality disorder and the worst of it was her lies and believing them.

"Aging in place" is OK when the person can still be independent. When they can still do most things by themselves. When it becomes to keep that independence means others having to do everything for them, they aren't independent. And those helping them are enabling them to think they r independent.

Has Mom always been a hoarder? If not, this is new behaviour and should be checked out. Wouldn't hurt to get Mom a good physical labs and all. As Becky suggested, get her to a geriatric psychiatrist.

Your thoughts of contacting her PCP, is exactly what you should do. If she’s threatening suicide she needs some mental health professionals and her doc can recommend that. It could be that she needs to go into a behavioral health facility so that they can determine if there are psychiatric or neurological issues to deal with. In either case medications can be prescribed to help her.
Use the professional community to help her and protect you. And tell your whole family what you are doing so everyone knows and all is out in the open. If anyone doesn’t like it, they can take over.
Additionally, mom may fight you on cleaning your house, going to the doctor, etc. But it is your house! She can cooperate or find her own place, which doesn’t sound like that is possible.

My recommendation is that you move your mother into a facility that can provide care for her with the appropriate doctors.

The hoarding aspect is unsanitary and you shouldn’t have to put up with it in your house and home. She should not be able to close her door to you for any reason since it is your house and you are caring for her. She can’t take care of herself.

Hoarding is a symptom of a mental illness. She destroyed your brother’s home, a house in another state and now her room.

Threatening to commit suicide is being manipulative, and dangerous to her and you. Time to call her PCP and 911. She should go to the hospital. They will be able to help find a facility where she can receive the treatment and care she needs.

You can then be able to clean her room and get your home back to what it was.

I do not recommend having her return but to have her remain in the facility, since at her age change will not occur. Medication will reduce her symptoms and there will be fewer opportunities to hoard.

For real suicidal people, there are more effective and faster ways to kill themselves, other than by starvation or self-strangulation. Out of 100 suicidal attempts, may be only 5% are made by real suicidal people. The majority are manipulative behaviors. However, even manipulative suicidal attempts could end up in tragedies due to miscalculation. That's why, lay-people should always consider them potentially dangerous and should report them, just in case.

Until you talk to her Dr. or get her out of there, take her bedroom door off. That way she can't lock you out. If privacy is needed, put up a curtain. You're letting this woman control you in your own home. Explain to her Dr something needs to be done now because she is threatening suicide and you've not recovered from the last one. If that doesn't work, call 911... tell them mom has stopped eating and she claims she is starving herself to death and you don't know what to do. Hopefully there will be a trip to the hospital. Tell a social worker what is going on and tell them you can no longer care for her because if she continued to insist starving herself, it can look bad for you. Stick with it and don't back down. She needs to be in a facility. Not your home! Good luck to you!

Our mother stopped eating in October 2021 and despite our visiting her and urging food it didn't work. She died in December 2021. There was dementia going on. We also had an agreement with hospice so early on the Memory Care place (which I really liked) knew that was in effect-we all still tried but she just refused. As of November she was down to maybe a couple cups of gingerale per day. If they decide that's what they're going to do it really seems pretty impossible to change their minds-been there.

Mum may or may not be bluffing, but any talk of suicide should be taken as serious and the proper authorities notified.

Yes, call her doctor. Be very clear on her history, of manipulation and hoarding. Make sure the doctor knows about what happened with your late husband and it is very triggering for you.

And clean her room. Take photos of before, during and after, document it well.

I'd also talk to the local cops. Schedule a weekly wellness check on your mother. Great way to establish your own credibility of non-neglect. Make sure you have proof of the visits and let your mother's care team know about this too. If possible, drop off some baked goods to the police station-a small token of appreciation for their efforts.

it is your house and you do have a right to not have rodents and bugs crawling around! maybe if they aren't in the bedroom yet plant a few fake things and see if she is ok with that???? maybe seeing them would jolt her into not wanting to really be living with real ones!! it's definately unsafe and unhealthy!

also sounds like she is stubborn but also could be wanting some attention no matter how she gets it. tell her she can have a part of the room to do what she wants (not to the point of food or trash thrown around) and to keep the other part clean so she doenst trip over junk and trash.

also talk to her dr maybe a mental evaluation is in order at her age.

good luck and God bless you

Perhaps you can have another conversation and record it. You can then request a 72 hour psych eval and a geriatric Psychiatrist (start discussing her future care as you will be ending your services upon her release from psychiatric care).

It sounds like she might also have mental issues like dementia. I'd consult with her Dr. and have her tested. Hoarding is not only a sign of laziness, but sometimes not understanding how to clean up after themselves. You should always take the threat of suicide seriously, however from my experience, if you talk about committing suicide, the odds are she's asking for help. people who commit suicide- as I'm sure you know- rarely talk about it. You might also want to look into getting her a social worker who may be able to get her involved with programs during the day to keep her busy, or a retirement home where she'd be around people her own age. I hope all turns out for the best for the two of you.

Colleen Pell.

Bring her to the ER for a psychiatric evaluation and dehydration and say " she hasn't eaten for 3 days and needs fluids and is dehydrated . " The Nurses will take over .

see elder care attorney to determine what steps you need to take. try to get POAS for finances and health. Coordinate your actions with your brother so can work together. Without POAs and attorney guidance it is usually much more complicated to get guardianship - a lot depends on the requirements in your state as to what you can do

I’m sure that this sounds heartless, but that’s the way it takes me this morning (and with yesterday’s diagnosis of Covid).

Mother is a pain in the but, and it’s not just about hoarding. She spits dummies regularly, and has no compunction about causing massive problems and costs to family by ‘running away’. She’s only 84, and bringing her to live with you has been nothing but stress. My suggestions are:

1) Go through the posts, and implement all those that protect you from allegations of neglect.
2) Let her starve herself if that’s what she wants. It’s her life, her body. If food and water are there, she can make her own mind up. The sooner she leaves you and your home, the better – any which way.

My MIL is a hoarder. That is why she doesn’t live with us. My husband told me when we got married that she’d never live with us because the hoarding is only a symptom.

Her hoarding manifests in a shopping mania. We were able to get her into assisted living w/o a telephone and cut off her bank cards and credit cards. She was furious. Like the example of one of the commenters, she doesn’t bath regularly and her teacup yorkie shits and pees all over her room. She doesn’t clean up after it and is oblivious to the stench. The ALF is unhappy. We told them they have every right to go in and clean whether she likes it or not. She never leaves her room.

So dear writer, you need help with your mother. Your mother needs medical care from psychiatric evaluation to medication to people who ensure that her room remains clean no matter what. It will only cause stress to you and destroy your house to have your mother there. She will manipulate you. Don’t think she isn’t sneaking out when you are asleep or at work for something to eat or drink or that she has something squirreled in her room

Hoarding is a mental health illness just like any of the other mental health issues. Talk to her doctor about getting her properly diagnosed with the mental health disorder(s) she has and that she is suicidal. By doctor documentation, you will have some protection against a neglect claim. Then let go. If she truly has the gumption to starve herself, not much can be done to stop her. However, since our survival instincts are so strong, starving is a long tough way to get to suicide.

Call 911 and have her carted off to the ER for a psych evaluation for threatening suicide. She's full of crap. Nobody can starve. It's a passive aggressive ploy to get her way, like a kid holding her breath till she turns blue. But she can't hold her breath till she dies....its impossible. But it's effective to the parents who get wigged out, right? I guarantee mom will never use that trick on you again after spending some time under psychiatric observation!

While she's gone, clean out her room, pack her bags, and make arrangements to have her moved out permanently. She's a terrible houseguest and has overstayed her welcome. And that's putting it nicely.

My mother was always threatening to kill herself, for my whole life. Running out in traffic, driving her car off of a bridge, jumping out of windows, and all sorts of other melodramatic passive aggressive nonsense intended to upset me. It used to, when I was 5 and scared she'd actually DO it. She lived to 95 and died of heart failure and advanced dementia.

JaxJoni: Call Emergency Medical Services posthaste.

She may be using the same line on you now that she used at previous home where the hoard became horrendous.

Is she actually eating?? Most people who don't eat do not go around telling people about it. I would suggest you record some of these threats along with your conversation that led up to the threat. It is important to show that you said this (clean your room) and her response was this (I'll kill/starve myself)

How is she collecting her hoard? Can get out of the house on her own and drags it in? Instead of letting a hoard build, maybe it would be better to do a cleaning in that room every day - whether she helps or not. That way she won't see multiple things leave the house that built up for more than a day. Probably by day 2 an attachment between her and the 'thing' are already being formed.

Dying from self starvation is very difficult. It's like threatening to commit suicide by not breathing. Real suicidal people use quicker and more efficient methods to kill themselves.