Why does Mom think it is such a horrible thing to go to a memory care unit?

Then go. Let APS know you are leaving.

I know that sounds sensible but I'm so guilt-ridden about everything, when I say anything about leaving or having her get care, she says "I thought my daughter loved me, but I guess she doesn't"...and believe it or not this destroys me

That is Classic Geriatric Theatre aka manipulative behavior, which I will guess she has demonstrated for years. Don't threaten to leave... you are manipulating back at her. Set the boundaries and stick to them.

stellakat...from someone who gets what you're going through...know that you've done all that you can but you can't stop living your life for your mother, under the circumstances. Dementia knows no bounds and will beat you down. Don't have any further discussion with your mother. Do what you need to do and move her. She won't cooperate. In my opinion and from experience, do this without filling her in and have her belongings moved in and arranged before you or someone else brings her to her new home. She probably won't be happy for a bit. She'll settle some and then go up and down and drag you with her emotionally. But you'll know she's in a good place and you're better off too. She'll ask to go home on a regular basis. Distract her and talk about all the wonderful activities in her new home. She may also accuse you of stealing her things. Don't be dragged into defending yourself (as I've done) but distract and move forward. Best of luck!!

You said you "share" a house. Does she own part of the house?

stellakat, I bet your Mom is in her late 80's or early 90's, and that generation saw nursing homes back when such places were asylums.   Dark, dank places with unsmiling faces.   Of course, Mom will fight tooth and nail not to go to such a place.   Mom probably has no idea that most of the Assisted Living facilities are like hotels now a days.

The place my Dad moved, it was so great, that I wanted to move there, too :)

I read this idea on the forum not to long ago... tell your Mom that you are able to get a free lunch, and she is invited to go.   Set up an appointment at the facility and tell them what you are doing.   You could also tell Mom you are searching out places for a friend, and they would want your Mom's opinion.   Moms like to help [I realize your Mom has dementia, but would she be able to still go out for lunch and a short tour?].   She might be pleasantly surprised.

Wouldn't it be great if she spotted an old friend who now lives at the facility?

Could you take her to a facility for a week of respite care? Once she gets there, she may like it, and even if not, that will give both of you an idea as to what memory care would be like -- and it will give you a much-needed break! If she has Alzheimer's, the sad truth is that eventually you will have to place her or else hire 24/7 professional caregivers.

Somewhere on this forum I read a post from a caregiver who put mom in respite for one week every three months, and it was a sanity saver. Think of it as an investment in your health.

Dear Stellakat,

I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through. Its so tough. Even though your mom doesn't want to go to assisted living. I think Dana has an excellent suggestion.

Have you considered talking to social worker, counselor, family therapist, family doctor? Maybe someone can come to the house to speak with your mom about her options.

I know we want to do right by our parents, but I fear if you continue trying to appease her it will only lead to more anger and resentment and that is not good for anybody. No one likes change at any age, but as your mom's care escalates, its better to start looking at options now.

Take care and I hope your mom will come around. If not, make that tough choice for yourself and preserve your own well being. I know its easier said than done, but don't let the guilt control you. Its not fair.

My mom lived in my home with me for 3 years. She never believed there was anything wrong with her, that she couldn't take care of herself, and she fought me almost daily on it, always wanting to go "home." When she had to be hospitalized due to pneumonia for a week just after Christmas, I'd already made up my mind she would be going to memory care. Long story short, she has adjusted very well and does not remember even living with me or where she is on a daily basis or even who I am a lot of the time. Awful as it sounds, we were both about done in with each other just before she got sick, with her saying I was going to have to leave "her" house, etc., and the memory care has been a relief for both of us. She never mentions going "home" when I go to see her. I pat her leg and tell her I'll be back. She's on a unit with many just like her with lots of activity most of the time. They are mostly up and out of their rooms in two big central areas for most of the day. I usually help her with lunch now when I go, and we can go to her room, which is nice, if we want quiet. She eats healthier now and seems to enjoy it. She's usually smiling when I come and when I leave her, lol.

Stellakat....I am sure if you want back 20 or 30 years and had this discussion with your Mom she would have told you then that she would not want to be a burden to you and that she would want you to live your life.
The mother you are dealing with now is not your Mother you are dealing with a disease that knows no bounds in the way it erodes the person. Both the person with Dementia and the people close to that person.

She may say she hates you...she may say that you must not love her....but.
If you can not safely handle your Mom both physically and mentally it is time.
She will get used to having help round the clock, she will get used to a new room, a new routine and new friends. Best of all she will regain the Daughter that she is fast loosing. And you will be a better Daughter and a better advocate for her.

My Mother just moved from a facility that is a nightmare. She was in Personal Care. They have a Memory Unit. Their are sick people everywhere and some flock to Senior Facilities... from administrators to staff to the residents. Their Memory Unit was the worst with Personal Care and the Health Care Unit following closely behind. I got my Mother moved to another facility that is much better. It was difficult because the facility is very manipulative especially when the family is at odds with each other. My brother saw the light when While Mother was still at the old place and needed round the clock Nurses Aids due to their negligence. I was with Mother 16 hours a day. She had no balance even when sitting. The facility personally attacked me. A friend asked me to stop in to the Memory Unit to see how his Dad was doing when he had to go out of town for a week. His dad was on thickened liquids. Not one day or any visit by me did I see a thickened liquid. He had water, pepsi or juice. He could have got the fluids into his lungs and died of pnemonia as his wife did 5 years earlier at the same facility in Memory Care. They were angry with me that I reported back to the son what was going on. On the surface the facility looks like a cruise ship if a resident is in Independent Living. However, once the facility puts you into a Unit other than I.L. they become responsible for different levels of care where they are awful. In the Memory Unit there are days when the stench is unbearable. The Nurses Aids chat with each other and ignore residents when the residents need care. The Head Administrator bragged in the Cafe that she was going to Court but she never worries about it because the Courts are stacked in her favor. Mother is in a better facility now. It is more to a county type atmosphere rather than in the city. Without the experience I would not have known by a visit to the other facility what was actually going on there. (I have spared you the awful details here.)

My Mother just moved from a facility that is a nightmare. She was in Personal Care. They have a Memory Unit. Their are sick people everywhere and some flock to Senior Facilities... from administrators to staff to the residents. Their Memory Unit was the worst with Personal Care and the Health Care Unit following closely behind. I got my Mother moved to another facility that is much better. It was difficult because the facility is very manipulative especially when the family is at odds with each other. My brother saw the light when While Mother was still at the old place and needed round the clock Nurses Aids due to their negligence. I was with Mother 16 hours a day. She had no balance even when sitting. The facility personally attacked me. A friend asked me to stop in to the Memory Unit to see how his Dad was doing when he had to go out of town for a week. His dad was on thickened liquids. Not one day or any visit by me did I see a thickened liquid. He had water, pepsi or juice. He could have got the fluids into his lungs and died of pnemonia as his wife did 5 years earlier at the same facility in Memory Care. They were angry with me that I reported back to the son what was going on. On the surface the facility looks like a cruise ship if a resident is in Independent Living. However, once the facility puts you into a Unit other than I.L. they become responsible for different levels of care where they are awful. In the Memory Unit there are days when the stench is unbearable. The Nurses Aids chat with each other and ignore residents when the residents need care. The Head Administrator bragged in the Cafe that she was going to Court but she never worries about it because the Courts are stacked in her favor. Mother is in a better facility now. It is more to a county type atmosphere rather than in the city. Without the experience I would not have known by a visit to the other facility what was actually going on there. (I have spared you the awful details here.)

I understand completely how you feel. I was "lucky" if you can call it that, because my mom was hospitalized for a severe UTI, during which she became combative. The hospital's social worker told me, that after psychological testing, it was determined my mom could no longer live alone and living with me was not an option. So, she was transferred directly to a NH from the hospital. Since she was fairly incoherent even then, she really had no idea what was happening. By the time she realized where she was, it was too late. Devious? Probably. Necessary, heck yes. My mother was always self-centered and dramatic. She would deliver caustic verbal "shots" and leave the recipient (me) to deal with her vitriol. I learned I had to live in "the now". Yes, she was my mother. Yes, I loved her and still do. But I was no longer a little girl. I am a woman with children, grandchildren and a life of my own. I am my husband's caregiver. I handle everything that comes up in my life the best I can. When my mother had lucid moments, she sort-of realized she was in what her generation called an "old folks home". Those lucid moments became fewer and fewer. And for my part, I realized more and more that I had done the right thing, for her and for myself. She was safe, she was supervised and well-cared for. It's all about child becoming parent and visa versa. This situation will not resolve itself until you get off the guilt express and take charge. Easy? Nope. Counseling may be in your future. Good luck and keep us updated. These people here really care!

My husband and I moved to an independent/assisted living facility after he developed vascular dementia. I stayed for three years after he died because I didn't want to leave the friends and activities I had there. Finally the cost persuaded me to leave, but I miss it. The good part is that now that I don't have two paid for meals a day, I have lost 22 lbs. I have known several people who think "facilities" are horrible, but are pleasantly surprised when they get there.

stellakat, I am your sister in this misery. My mother has Alzheimer's. We're in stage 6 now. I spent my health trying to giver her the best possible care, but I reached a point where I couldn't anymore. Listen, you can't die. I know that feeling that you can actually sense your life ebbing away. It's sad that for us, there is no great option. If you want to stay alive and somewhat healthy you will have to move her.

do your due diligence. Contact every facility that's within driving distance. I personally contacted 22 and toured 17 before applying on my mother's behalf. After all that, I only felt good enough about 4 to apply. Of those, one 1 accepted her. There are vast differences among facilities. For example, my mom already had Medicaid when she entered the facility. She got into a unit with all private rooms. At another facility, for the same Medicaid money, by mom could have been in a room with 3 other residents. So you must shop around. Don't just take your mom there and drop her off. The facilities I was interested in, I visited 3-4 times, both formally and informally, just dropping by. I talked to visiting family members as asked, "is this a nice facility? are you happy with the care your loved one receives?" When they answer, take it from there.

As much as you love your mom, you don't owe her your blood. What you do owe her is to get her into the best possible facility and to stay on top of her care, visiting often. Good luck.

As for

Oh, yes! I've been there but when my mom was in the throes of dementia, we had no place for her other than a nursing home. One thing I learned was that there is no reasoning with a dementia patient so I did what I had to do, despite her complaints and threats.

I understand your situation all too well - I am 68 with mom [91] in NH with dementia & dad [94] in another with no dementia all in another town

When I was doing my touring of NH, I would linger outside for a few minutes & ask anyone coming/going if they had a family member in it & how happy everyone was with it

A friend whose mom was about to be going into a NH said the one too close too home would mean he would take a real long way around so she didn't realize how close to home it was - maybe if taking mom to 'free lunches' say that it wouldn't be any good for her as it is too far from you - that may spark the 'contrary note' that she will then praise it - you may say if she is happy then you'll sacrifice yourself with longer drive as long as she is happy - remember to occationally say how far it is after she moves in even if 2 minutes away ... make it 38 minutes - might be time well wasted

You have to remember that it is now you in the 'parent' role not the 'child' role - also parents of that age think of NH as 'places for those with no body to love them' to quote my mother - good luck

There are lots of helpful info above. I'd consider it and also keep in mind that people who suffer with dementia have brain damage. They aren't likely to want to get on board with good ideas, reasonable measures or what makes sense. It may be best to make the arrangements and then have it done. What worked for me was explaining that she was going into Rehab. Her doctor prescribed it, so I had the doctor's support. She needed rehab to help with her balance, nutrition, medication adjustment, physical therapy, memory improvement, etc. She thought it would be good for awhile. Of course, she soon forgot all about it and became content and happy in her Memory Care Unit, where she lives now.

If you worried that she will always hold it against you if she moves, reconsider, because her memories of this will fade.

Best advice above is to ask others if they have family in the facility you are thinking about. This was the deciding factor in moving Mom from 1 facility to another. I asked my bible study group before we made a decision to move Mom to the facility where she now resides. Everyone was shaking their heads yes, some stating they heard good things or they had a family member in the same facility. It has been almost a month and so far so good.Do our homework before you select a place.

This is an easy question to answer. First of all, she may or may not realize what is happening to her.....dementia and old age. That means she knows she is losing control of her life and what happens to her (and this is something horrific to happen to us if we live that long). She is scared. She does not want to lose and be separated from the things she loves. She is terrified of what is unfamiliar to her or a change in her life - and this is a big time change. You are 58 years old - YOU MUST TAKE CHARGE AND THINK OF YOURSELF. I disagree that children are obligated to care for their parents because there are so many factors involved that this is not a
"one size fits all". If you have always had a loving relationship and it was mutually based and if you are physically, mentally, emotionally - and financially - able to care for them and you WANT to be the caretaker, then do it. But do NOT feel you must if it is destroying YOU or your life or your family or your work or whatever. You have a life to live too and you must before you go to pieces and have no future life and nothing to fall back on in your old age. It is extremely difficult to go into a facility - especially if you have your full mental abilities but are physically damaged. It is horrible to be around people with mental issues. This makes it difficult to make good friends and she may fear the loneliness and the uncertainty of what is to come. You may just simply have to make the arrangements and then on a certain day have professional people come and take her, along with you, to the new home and then immediately within a day or two move her special belongings to the new home. She will never willingly go with you - just won't work. There is no real easy answer.

She will come to a point she will not know what is going on. She may not even know u.

I tried to be a "good daughter" and get my mother on board with the idea of assisted living when she was no longer safe alone in my house, and then our day care person quit for a better paying job. I had no choice but to find the best place I could, and moved her in.
Oh, she was plenty upset and that last week of packing and moving her stuff was the worst. I tried reasoning with her, and she would have a few lucid moments and agree, especially when I told her that I could not do this any longer, that she would end up burying me due to the stress of my constant worrying about her.
She is adjusting (it's been only 10 weeks) and the staff tells me they are surprised at how well she is getting along. Of course when I visit, I get the full act of how she never wanted to live in a place like this, never expected her daughter to whisk her away into a "home" after she gave up her home to come help me (that was her reasoning for moving 1500 miles away to live with me 4 years ago). I'm doing my best not to get sucked into the sad mental and emotional state that she is in due to the dementia.
Now I just tell her whenever she asks (and it's often) if she can come "home" is that she is not safe being alone and I have to work.
Good luck!

What tipped the scales for me was enlisting Mom's friend (neighbor) and her doctor to support my mantra that it was no longer safe for her to continue living alone.

A couple of months ago my Mom and I toured a NH. Beautiful, well run, nice accommodations, plenty of interesting activities, great kitchen. She wanted to go there for a couple of weeks while I took some respite time to go east and settle my business there.

Then, they tested her for intake. Suddenly, all those wonderful activities...not available to her because she would be in their lock down memory care unit. No freedom of movement. Dependent upon them to provide everything...even a cup of coffee..etc. not even close to acceptable,

I understand not wanting to be in that place. We opted for in home 24/7 caregivers instead.

One other thing.

I have toured and checked out NH all over this area. They look nice...but, they are understaffed, and minimum wage teenagers do not care. Without mobility, being stuck waiting endlessly for any attention is horrible.

The only nice places are seriously expensive and do not take Medicaid.

Maybe this is better than years ago....but, I see the only difference is in the remodeling of the buildings...same lousy care...same uncaring staff

I think it's crucial to get a proper assessment to determine what type of facility your LO needs. Depending on her progress with dementia and/or some medical condition, she may need NH or MC. They are set up to provide the best care for the resident, keeping their needs in mind. You know what your mom is capable of doing and what her needs are.

All of the Memory Care facilities that I have encountered in my state, are required by law to provide daily scheduled activities for the residents. They have a secure outdoor area, activity room, dining room, etc. They don't lack any of the amenities that the regular AL unit has. Just more supervision and one on one assistance with needs. Of course, they are geared to protecting the resident from things like hot beverages, sharp objects, toxic substances, etc. It's for safety purposes. I'd explore them with that in mind.

Pamstegma is correct.

as im reading all these comments brings back memories of mom who has now passed at 92, passed back in oct 2016, dementia that progressed to alzheimers, it is a nightmare, kept wanting to go back home to a home 30 years ago, were poisoning her with pills (prescription) , was going to call police and tell them we were killing her, had to hide the phone after that, she had stroke 3 years ago, recovered beautifully physically from that, then dementia snuck up on us, progressed to alzhimers, then her afib gave her a second stroke july 4 2016, went to the hospital for a week came back on oxygen, which lasted 2 weeks before her medicare nurse had to call 911, couldnt get her conscious, was in a nursing home for couple weeks, docs gave her 2 weeks, she passed away 3 days after her 92 birthday.pulmonary embolism, found all the facts after the fact, it is a nightmare.

I, too have going thru this. I can't believe I am saying this but I hate my Mother and I have seen and went thru every agency to get her out of my house. Problem is, she doesn't make enough on Social Security to qualify for Assistant Living. Section 8 is closed. Housing, mths waiting, ALTC- she hoards her money so she has more than $1200, This web site can't help, Social workers can't help. Now I wonder, if I can just drop her off at some Hsp and just leave her. Just so Fed up. I never thought when I moved her in that I couldn't move her out just as fast. Anybody know an answer