My Mom, whose mind is sharp otherwise, tells the same stories that she's upset about day after day. Why?

Your experience sounds in many ways sadly similar to mine. I suggest that you do some reading up on Narcissistic Personality Disorder. When I was at the end of my rope with dealing with my constantly complaining, nothing was ever good enough, elderly mother (who had not been there for my brother and I as children), I actually started out by looking up OCD, thinking that might be the cause of her constant dissatisfaction. But the more I read, the more it clicked that the behaviors were actually those of NPD. You said "She has always put herself 1st and if it weren't for my grandmother, we would have been neglected.". Substitute aunt, and you've just described my brother's and my childhood. The current behavior of constant complaining and never being satisfied is also the same. There are many good discussions on this site where those of us with NPD parents have shared our stories and suggestions. Unfortunately, personality disorders are not curable, and the main recommended coping mechanism with these individuals is either going "low contact" or "no contact". In my case, no contact was not an option, and it might not be in your case either. But again, just knowing that others had experienced the same in the past and were dealing with the same challenges now, helped me a lot. Stay strong and don't be afraid to reach out.
This site is useful to start reading: daughtersofnarcissisticmothers/narcissistic-personality-disorder/

In my mind, adult children are not obligated to care for uncooperative parents who expect THEIR needs to be put first. Send a note to her doctor, outlining your concerns. Call APS and inform them that she's alone, uncooperative and tesists reasonable suggestions. Then cut back contact. This can kill you.

momslave, you have so much on your plate already with your autistic grandson. You don't need any more aggravation in your life. Thirty miles isn't far, but it is when everything you hear is negative. You don't need to hear it. It sounds like what your mother needs is to move into assisted living. I wonder if she is like my mother in that regard, too. I can't get my mother out of this house.

Your mother sounds much like mine. The story about the bushes made me chuckle because we had a sickness strike some of our bushes. She says it is because I cut them back way too much and killed them. She blames me for many things that I don't have a clue about, making up things that I did to cause whatever happens. She would probably blame me for WWII if I had been born then.

What I think she does is ruminate these negative things in her mind. Sometimes I'll come in the room and she'll be mad at me about something. Soon she'll tell me something I did wrong that is usually out of left field. If I try to defend myself she'll just get mad.

I wish there were a way to get her to stop that illogical ruminating she does. I'm actually a pretty nice person, but to hear her talk much of the time you would think I'm dead set on destroying her. It's just that negative tumbling of thoughts that she does in her head.

I don't have any advice, since I know the only defense I have when my mother does it is to walk away. Anytime I try to defend myself she just gets angry and escalates the bad feelings. This isn't really new behavior for my mother, but it is worse now that she is old with dementia. I often have to remind myself that it is not me, that it is her, but still it wears on the self esteem after a while. Why parents do this to the one closest to them (and to people who come work on the house) is a mystery. Maybe it is because other people don't come around enough to be in their minds.

Might as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb, mightn't you? If your mother claims you visit her only - only! - every other week, well, why not make it so? Give her something to complain about. She'll be as happy as a sand boy.

Any grief about that, by the way, and you could always cut it back to every third week...

Oh I can relate to my mother refusing to go to the senior center or out with people her age. "She's just not one of those types of people" -- I'm like, WHAT? You're older than them. Anyway, I have issues with mom having a social life, but that's my issue, not hers. She has kept all of her old friends at arm's length and down to a minimum of one phone call a month. My mother needs to be driven everywhere because my father (when he was alive) took her driving privileges away, fearing she would get into an accident when she was sharper than he was!! So, now I drive her everywhere she needs to go, doctor's appointments, store, salon, etc. Does your mom have a car? You say she's pretty sharp, so maybe that's not too too bad...?

Good luck with everything! Try not to get too overwhelmed. When I first started in this group, I was at my wits end! I was just so distraught over my circumstances. This group was and still is, a blessing to me....

Though my Mom passed many years ago, and was, actually the polar opposite of demanding, that itself had its downside, as in, we never really knew what she wanted and what would have made her feel more comfortable. Having said this, however, I was a professional Caregiver for several years and saw similar interactions and dynamics in my clients' relationships with their families. The fact is, we torture ourselves with the idea and belief that our loved ones 'should' be behaving differently, essentially arguing with reality. What I've come to believe is that this is one definition of insanity. After all, our parents and other loved ones are the way they are. The trouble, in my mind, is that we editorialize, ascribing assumed motivation to their behavior, when in reality, we have no real way of absolutely knowing what is true FOR THEM. So for me anyway, my task is to question my beliefs about why people are doing what they do, so as to free myself from behaving based upon assumptions. There is a lovely book called "Loving What Is" by Byron Katie which outlines the process, known as 'The Work' to its practitioners. I highly recommend it to everyone, but especially to caregivers. Good luck!!

Um. Now that you mention it, I haven't the first idea what a sand boy is. Someone who is very contented, would make sense? I don't even know where the expression came from - I shall go and look it up in Brewer's.

A good yelling match, provided it is broadly equal, is healthy. And think how pleased your neighbours will be to have something to talk about besides the economy.

Also sounds like my mom too. They're much more intelligent that we give them credit for. I can only speak about my situation, hoping this'll help... My mother will complain about EVERYTHING if she is left alone for too long of a period of time. (Like 1 day -- keep in mind that she lives with my parent and I...) But she will call one of my sisters (who she knows is much more gullible and vulnerable) and say, "I'm in SO MUCH PAIN!" And then minutes later, without realizing she had just called mom -- she's sitting down having a glass of wine laughing and enjoying her dinner. Then my sister sends me a text: "IS MOM OK?" It happens all the time. She knows that my sister will dote on her, whereas she can't really get away with that with me. I take care of her all the time, but she will complain in order to get something. I think it's more for sympathy, as I see it...

Nothing wrong with listening and "understanding" where she's coming from. I think that as they age, less attention is sometimes given. My father passed away 3 years ago and mom NEVER complained -- ever. When he passed, she got very lonely, especially in the evenings when she has to go to bed, because they used to stay up late and watch movies, etc. Though I am in the house, I am in another section and always invite her, but she rather stay in her bedroom. But she will complain to my sister about her pain and then look at me and smile and ask, "So when's dinner? What are we doing later?" *pulls hair out* I asked her, "Ma, you said you were in pain, you ok?" -- She says, "Oh you know how worried your sister can be -- I'm fine."

I don't know.

My point is: sometimes when it's not 'all about them', it's a cry for help. I truly believe that maybe my mom doesn't really know how to ask right out, "Hey, I'm a bit lonely, are you busy?" Or whatever it is they need... maybe that's the case with your mom? So I appease her because I think, when I'm her age, I'm going to want to express my needs, but I know I will feel bad about it.

She also probably knows that you have your own problems too and you have issues with pain, so she is trying to 'one up you' with her problems so that you'll rush to her aid......... ?? Just a thought......?

I can't give you sound advice because of your situation. You live 30 miles away, in pain and have your life that you need to tend to. That's difficult to go and up yourself and appease someone. Do you have siblings? See, because my mom lives with us, I get to appease her and cater to those cries for help because it's no sweat off my back and that choose to do this. But in this case, you need to do what's best for you and never, ever, let that awful emotion "guilt" get in the way of what you want in your life.

I don't know if my story helped, but I can relate to some degree, re: the complaining and self-centeredness. And it only gets worse from here. (Sorry to be a downer!!!)

You have my permission to reduce contact!! :-) You have enough on your plate. You need to be able to live your own life and take care of you! I know this can be a hard situation. Hugs to you!!