Mom says she will not eat until we take her home. What do we do?

My grandma does this nearly every night. She either skips dinner and wears herself out with her hours of tantruming and “wanting to go home” or “wanting to go see her mom,” or she comes around and eats a bite or two. Either way, her purpose is to punish me and my mom for keeping her from her home or her mom. Funny thing is, she does this both at her own home if 30 years and at our house where she’s been staying for about 8 months. I tried every response angle I can think of and none of them really work. We just have to keep her from hurting us or herself and wait for it to pass.
Sorry this isn’t much answer, although I would try saying different things each time it happens until you find something that works. Obviously being as agreeable as possible. For us, we’ll probably die of starvation simply because her demanding attitude and tantrums force us to skip meals, haha

So tell her fine if that’s the way you want it. Then go home w/o her. She won’t remember what she said in five minutes

Sorry for the question; after reading Jeanne's post I checked your profile and see that dementia is involved.

It could be that she is pouting. It could also be what is on the menu at the NH. When I came into my mother's room at the nursing home, she wasn't eating what was served to her. She had no idea what it was. It was a taco. My brother was so dense that he said "this bowl is cold." I said "of course it is; it's salsa." Then I demonstrated how to eat the taco! Jeezy peezy. That said, some NH's have menus that the patient can pick from each week, but I agree with JeanneGibbs' post, which is spot on!

Please note that Nelwyn's mother has dementia. This changes the dynamics of almost any situation. She might have been a mature person and decent parent for most of her life, but with serious brain damage she can't be expected to always behave reasonably.

Hi Nelwyn:

I second Jeannegibbs suggestion on what to say to your mother.

If she is not senile, I think a mature person and decent parent would not threaten her children in such a way. If she really wanted to die, she would simply stop eating without putting conditions on it.

A mature parent realizes that at some point they may need a nursing home because in home care is not always possible.

Every night at the nursing home at dinner time, mom will tell me she's not hungry and please don't "order" her anything. I say okay, and when they bring her food, she will most nights eat very well. She also thinks she's going home after dinner every night. I just agree with most everything she says. Thank God she has no memory for much of anything anymore.

Maybe not "pouting". My Mom is bed and wheel chair bound. When she realized that this was going to be her life, about 6 months ago, she started to decline. She became depressed and started eating less and less. I've been told by many that this is a natural stage of letting go. Maybe "going home" is a euphemism. Regardless, she will eat if she is hungry, she will do things on her own time. As far as actually going home, I wish my Mom was able to come home to pass, but we are unable to accommodate that. As with both my mom and dad, the asking will continue but less frequently. I wish you and yours peace in this difficult time.

I have to disagree with one of the posters. Pouting???? The woman has been removed from her home. Can’t you empathize with her feelings?. My MIL was self-pay in a nursing home for 20 months. Actually she was in two nursing homes because the first one was very bad. We visited her every day, and it was an eye opener. Both were rated 4 stars, but we had continual problems with them not giving her a bath (twice for 8 days at a time) and numerous other problems. There were always excuses. When I go into a NH, I plan to starve myself too. I’d rather be dead.

In my Mom’s case, she was given a medication (don’t remember what it was) that suppressed her appetite. The nurses picked up on this almost immediately, because they recorded percentages of meals eaten by every resident, as well as whether or not the residents enjoyed snacks from the snack cart between meals. Ask her nurses about her eating, and if any of her meds might be “helping” her not eat. An adjustment in dosage fixed my Mom’s not eating, and she would eat close to 100% of her meals for two years, up until a week before she died. The food at her NH was fantastic!

Nelwyn, if she in for rehab, memory care??

Prolonging life isn't what every senior wants. People need a decent quality of life in order to want to go on living. But starving oneself to death? Oh my Lord, that requires dedication to suffering.

My MIL did this; she was in rehab post open heart surgery and post stroke. She starved herself to death. It was her stated wish. Two of her three children supported this decision.

Apparently, the docs thought about calling APS but decided not to.

Just to give you a worse case scenario. She had been dxed with dementia BEFORE the surgery.

Nelwyn, oh dear, Mom is pouting... not unusual for an elder to do when they want their way. Jeanne, above, had a great idea about using what we call a "theraputic fib".

Also, if Mom goes to the main dining room to eat, sneak in during that time as she won't expect you to be there. Stay in the shadows and watch what she is doing. She could be eating and enjoying her meal with her table mates. Then leave without her knowing you were there, at least that will clear your mind that Mom actually is eating :)

"Oh Mom, I am really sorry to hear that. You really want to go home, don't you? I don't blame you. You have a lovely house. We are waiting for the doctor to discharge you. I'm afraid if you don't eat it will look like you can't take care of yourself. I'll talk to the doctor on Monday, and see how things stand."

Will she remember this answer? Is she likely to ask for an update on Monday?