Mum refuses to talk about POA and time is running out. Help?

I am so sorry you are having so much heartache in your caregiving role.

Are you planning to use a lawyer in drawing up the POA and other documents? Given that there is family conflict that might be worthwhile.

The end of the month is just a couple of weeks away. It may make sense to handle this while your sister is here. See if you can get an appointment with an Elder Law firm for that time period. If you are all sitting in the same office at least there will be no behind-the-back activity and everyone will know where they stand.

It doesn't make sense to me that someone living abroad would be POA, but of course it is your mother's choice. It also does NOT make any sense to appoint joint POAs. That is a disaster even when everyone gets along.

I don't understand how not having POA will make her house "frozen." Could you explain this concern?

Here in ireland POA has to be signed by a lawyer and 2 doctors. I spoke to mums doc last week he said "its wise to do it now rather than later" he said to get mum in and he will do tests for competency and as her flu jab was due she has to come in? I then rang her lawyer who said that she could come in asap and it would take 3/4 wks if doctors are agreed.

My mum now refuses to discuss it but before wanted me and my brother as joint POA its not necessary just in case one of us dies I suppose?

I think my sis is up to no good as you may have seen she tried to buy mums house only a few weeks ago luckily she was refused by banks here as she lives abroad. I told my older bro and hes disgusted and said I do not trust her as POA and that i should have it as im here and caring for mum. I am worried as I would not cope with this big house re bills etc... if mum is deemed incompetent. Here if no POA is signed and mum loses her mind her pesnsion and assets are frozen by law and she will be made a ward of court meaning that she can be put into a state institution and we would be in serious trouble as couldnt use her house for NH and would have to go to court to battle it out?

OMG, Kazaa - your dilemma just keeps on dragging out, and you're being pulled in all different directions. If I were you, I would get my brother and bundle your Mom into the car, say "Mom we're going for a ride" and drive straight to the lawyers office without hesitation. Once there, I anticipate the lawyer would question her sufficiently to make her reaize that you are the best choice for POA . You already know your sister is a sneak, so just beat her at her own game. I would not waste a minute. If you think it would be of help to the lawyer in questioning your Mom and hopefully steering her in the right direction to make a suitable choice of representation, you might give him an advance written synopsis of the issues with your sister (and the house too), your record of outstanding care, and why you are leery of your sister becoming the POA. Try to keep it factual as possible. Good luck!!!

Ah. I forgot where you were, kazzaa. Here if two or three (or more) people are joint POA then they ALL have to agree on every decision. It is better to have one named primary and others listed to take over in case the primary dies or is incapacitated. But this is something the lawyer can advise you about.

She is probably afraid that once you get the POA, you will stick her in a nursing home. She may also want to avoid a family battle that will obviously start when the choice is made. So take this one step at at time. When you are with her at her doctor's office, ask about a health care proxy, they can witness her signature and keep a copy on file. When you take her to the bank, ask about adding you as a signer to her account. As far as the house goes, she should have a Will designating how to dispose of it and divide the proceeds. Of course the NH gets paid, and any other bills get paid, so not much is left. I don't know what you mean about "freezing" the house. You need to talk with an attorney, and a good attorney will want to speak to her without ANY of you there.

My sister is upset that our inheritence will have to pay for mums NH so no she is not worried about me sticking her in a home in fact my sister wants it ALL: POA,me to move where it suits her and look after mum 24/7 while she flits in from paris once or twice a year and brings mum out to fancy restos but would walk past my mums hygiene issues and leave it for me to clean up! I am holding my own and if mum wants her as co POA then i will not be caring for her I cannot deal with my sister and talk to her on a emotional and logical level she thinks shes going to miss out on something financial and dosnt really understand POA this isnt about money for me and my brothers its about securing mums house as a downpayment on her house we understand that my sis instantly thinks money?
Also here if you have no money and a parent needs to go into a NH she can go into the state run facility which is not great care wise if we want her to go into a private NH well run knowing she will get the best of care then they take her in and her house is put up as payment you pay the NH when the house is sold in the meantime they take about 15 per cent for 3yrs care and up and up. She cannot get this "fair deal" without POA as if she is deemed incompetent her assets are frozen pension aswell.
Thats why its important so she gets the best of care in the best home we can find I dont care about money its her house and she worked all her life for it and deserves the best NH and if we dont have POA the state decides where she goes and we have no say.
they are trying to change the law here re dementia and POA but for now its like this.
Mums lawyer will not discuss POA with me only her on her own which is fine I got the impression that she didnt want to know about siblings and the mess this family are in? but maybe she will discuss this with mum on her own.

Until my mum agrees to start the process my hands are tied if my sis is up to something then I will not go Joint POA with her and will have to walk away. I cannot care for my mum without this as its just stupid and dosnt make sense to have someone else pay her bills food when Im doing this the past 4yrs?
Anyway thanks for advice its confusing when we are in 2 different countrys but I think POA is basically the same everywhere.

Also my mum would rather die than let a NH have any money from her house and has said this. Thats fine then if she loses her mind we have no say where she goes?

The thoughts of my mum in a state run NH that dont have the best care frightens me