Mom refuses to see she needs 24/7 care. How do I keep her safe when she is so stubborn? - AgingCare.com

Mom refuses to see she needs 24/7 care. How do I keep her safe when she is so stubborn?

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Mom has lived with me for the last 7 months under the doctors orders of 24/7 and can't live alone anymore. She moved in with me, I quit my full time job to care for her. She is stronger but the dementia is getting worse. She thinks now that she feels stronger she can go back home and live by herself again and unfortunately the one brother she thinks walks on water agrees with her so he pushes for her to come back home. what can I do? None of my other siblings are willing to stay with her

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Have you looked into Assisted Living? I have worked with several families, in similar situations, find communities that their loved ones agreed on. Sometime's the institutional feel of nursing homes can deter people from other senior living options. Just a thought and good luck :)
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I have been my Mother's care giver since my Father passed away almost 4 years ago... She had a heart attack not even 2 weeks after he died, and she has dementia... I have had to move her twice now, first to independent senior housing, she did not do well alone. Now she is in an Assisted Living Unit in the Memory Care. Do what you know in your heart is right... I do feel some sense of quilt but I know she needs to be where she is...
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Great responses here. Did the doctor do an evaluation on your mom? My cousin, who was not functioning in her home, bills overdue, etc., seemed fine at the doctor office, but once the questions begin it was VERY apparent there was a huge problem. She didn't know her address, where she graduated, her birth date, her previous surgeries, or even what season we were in. Sometimes the doctor's words have more impact with family members.

Also, if your mom likes to repeat things because she forgets she's already said them, then put the phone number for the siblings on the wall so your mom can call phone them every 5 minutes to repeat the same story. That usually convinces the person things are not right.
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Another one is...

- Is he able to maintain some kind of daily routine? Like awake in the day and sleeping at night?

My mom got to the point where she'd stay up all night, all day, and then sleep for another day, missing her meds & meals. She acted like a bratty kid when anybody tried to talk about it with her. She was on strong meds that just could not be skipped or taken "whenever" and had to be taken with food. She actually said to me: "You can't make me go to bed! I'll go to bed when I feel like it! If you put me in bed I won't sleep!" For a second there, she turned into an overtired 4 year old in front of me.
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Joanna56 - I did that with my mom for the better part of the 20 years I've lived out of state. She should have been in assisted living 15 years ago, but refused to consider any other option than living in her hoarder mess. Everybody just marked it up to old lady wierdness, not signs of dementia. She drove until 2013, which scared the mess out of me just thinking about it.

Since you are geographically close by is get him to the doc for a cognitive eval. You probably need to talk to the doc or his nurse ahead of time to explain your concerns and how you need their help to get dad into a safer situation.

Be able to articulate several very concrete things that concern you, not just "age".

- Can he manage his meds alone?
- Can he prepare meals safely, and actually eat them at appropriate times in the day?
- Can he manage his bills & money?
- Can he make and keep appointments?
- Does he need help with any routine daily tasks?
- Would he know what to do and be able to do it if the house caught fire?
- Is he keeping up with housework and personal hygiene?
- Is his personality mostly the same as before, like 5 or 10 years ago?
- Is he aware of his changed state and accepting of the changes to come or is he hostile about the future?

***If you stopped going over there to help, what would it turn into?***

This is a major consideration. You can't drop your life to pick up the pieces that will get bigger & bigger.

There's tons of articles on the site about signs to look for and how to have the conversation with your parent. It kind of depends on their personality.

There will come a point where sense has to prevail over what dad says he can do and keeping the status quo. The doctor can help you.
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My father is the same. I would love to get him into a facility but he won't even consider it. I am not able to go through getting him declared incompetent (and understand that many judges just won't do it unless they are completely out of it.) So I continue to live with the stress. The only good thing is that he lives on his own, ten minutes from me so I only have to deal with him in person three to four times a week. Right now I am frozen to the couch, dreading calling him to tell him I a coming to taking him to Walmart, etc.
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Chris, just a line of comfort - quite possibly your mother thinks this one brother walks on water BECAUSE he agrees with her. Once he's better informed, however…

Has anyone got POA?
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Ask your brother to come and stay with your mother or take her to your brother for a few days. Your brother will see the light. And do not let your mother stay on her own. My mother who had dementia used to walk out of the house on her own. I installed a security system from AlarmForce AlarmCare in Toronto because of her frequent tripping and falling. I had to take her to a nursing home finally. She was against it at first but later on started to like that place.
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My sister, who lives in another state, would call my mother daily and could not "see" what we at home saw daily - that my mother was declining and needed more and more help. It is not until she came to visit that she really understood what was going on. What we also found interesting is that even when my sister came for a visit, mom put on a "company" attitude and actually seemed better. So - it was hard convincing sister that mom needed more than what we could give. If your siblings are unwilling to stay with your mom, then they have no say in mom's care. If her doctor is telling you that she needs 24/7 care, then get the help of a social worker and an elder lawyer who can help you follow doctors orders. Good luck!
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A social worker (senior services) can come to your home and you can tell them you feel nervous about your brother and the family's neglect or denial about your mom's care.

The same social worker (if your mother does not have much money) can get you paid for caregiving. I agree get a power of attorney and get your mom to a neurologist who can give her a test and declare she needs 24/7 care.

That is the problem with Alzheimer's or dementia, the person does not realize, they need help, their minds do not know valuable information is just missing (when we forget where our keys are, they think it is only that minor, sometimes they themselves(mom) are in denial).

1. Do not talk with your brother about the POA (poa papers are available on the internet for free) get it first, have mom sign it with a notary available at any currency exchange, immediately.

2. Make an appointment with the neurologist and talk about your suspicions that your mother might have dementia or might need 24/7 care. Have her take the test...
3. if your brother gives you any grief call the social worker you are afraid for your mother to fall into a no care situation...

4. Not everyone is cut out to be a caregiver, but don't expect that people will help you because "it is the"right thing to do" most siblings do not help, but you could talk to the Social Worker about it...and maybe with some counseling siblings could pull together about mom, but you know how some people feel about counseling???so don't expect magic there. Good luck!
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