Mom refuses to see she needs 24/7 care. How do I keep her safe when she is so stubborn?

You must get your mom placed into an appropriate facility ASAP.
You can and must take charge and just be prepared to do what is necessary regardless of anybody else.

Facing the truth of decline is very difficult and many people will go to great lengths to stay away from the truth of things. They find themselves in a living h*ll, with their parent suffering and their own health & wellbeing suffering at the same time. They find themselves strapped with all the work, all the burden, and no help coming from anybody in the family. Then they come to this site on the verge of a total mental and physical breakdown.

If you needed a full time job paycheck before, you STILL DO, so you need to setup things so you can get back to work. Putting yourself in financial jeopardy is NOT the right thing to do. If you couldn't just stop working before all this, then you still need to work and have income. That didn't change.

My mom is 76, requires 24/7 care, can't be alone, and has moderately-severe Alzheimers impairment. Make no mistake though, she can get up and haul it down the hallway with her walker and she can sit up, look bright eyed, and have a conversation with you for really short periods of time. She demands to be sent back to her house, she fiercely insists she can too live alone and then starts in on being held hostage in a hell hole. She is incapable of understanding her disability anymore. She denies having Alzheimers. She is so mixed up most of the time, but she comes across as totally confident and totally right about what she's saying. Taking mom out of the care center and bringing her home with me simply because she is very passionate about doing that would be the WRONG thing to do for her. And for me. I have to work. I have kids. Our home is our sanctuary from life. I am not skilled or trained as a 24/7 caregiver to somebody on the edge of severe Alzheimers impairment. This is not like nursing somebody through chicken pox. It gets worse, more demanding, and a lot uglier. It does not get better and it could go on for 10+ years.

I have aunts who don't know jack from shinola about how mom is, who are angry with me for moving mom out of her house in the country and into care. They refuse to accept the reality of her Alzheimers and what that means. They are blind as a bat to the squalor she was living in and the bills that had gone to collections, and God forbid they step in and actually help her. But I don't care and it doesn't matter what they think. THEY weren't willing to lift a finger to make anything better, so it fell 100% into my lap to fix it. THEY do not get a vote here until they pitch in, take action, and stop directing from the sidelines.

YOU have to get reasonable and sane decisions made. YOU have to put aside what siblings all think without really knowing and TAKE ACTION for your mom's safety. It's not about what's comfy for you, or convenient, it's about SAFETY for mom. Do not take one ounce of criticism from anybody else in the family. When they come over to relieve you for an 8 hour shift 3 times a week, then they get to vote.

If you are debating moving her out of your house or not consider this:

1. Do you have on-site skilled nursing staff 24/7 at home?
2. Do you have nursing support staff available 24/7 at home?
3. Is your house configured to have no fall hazards?
4. Do you have memory-care therapy, activities and programming at your house? E.g. re-learning, music & pet therapy, etc.
5. Who is offsetting the cost of care in your home? E.g. food, cleaning materials, washing machine wear & tear, the time and pay this is costing you directly? None of this is free.
6. Do you have fresh staff to come on duty at regular hours to relieve you?
7. Are you prepared to deal with the round-the-clock-plus care aging dementia patients require? E.g. night wandering, pacing, hallucinations, outbursts, etc.

If you can't meet those kinds of needs, then you really have to look into placement for your mom. Use your area agency on aging. Most states have one with a hotline you can call to get started looking for the right kind of place.

Indulge your brother. If he thinks she can live alone despite her Dr. saying that she can't, have your brother come over to your house early one morning and stay with her all day. This will give him a realistic outlook on how your mom gets along and it will get you out of the house for a day.

sandwich42, you have written a lengthy but succinct and helpful response. I need to copy/paste particularly the "how to" section.
I'm always amazed at all the good advice and kind words (and yes sometimes harsh, but needed) comments. This web site is a blessing as well as all who take time to help.

Get a POA quick before anyone else does. Then you can make the decisions that are best for your Mom and you won't have to worry about what your brochure who walks on water + other sibs think. This is about the future wellbeing of your Mother. Plus your sanity. Period.

Have your brother take his mother for the weekend if he's able to see how her day goes and what's required. Sometimes living in the dream isn't as fun as you think. I'm sure he'll get an eye opener and a better understanding of what she's like and the challenges you face everyday wanting a normal life while caring for your mother.

My mother also thinks she can live independently and we've realized lately that she has the all-too-common condition of anosognosia, a lack of awareness/insight about her deficits. Sadly we can't indulge her wishes to move back to her home even though sometimes I would like to. I find it very hard to deal with her lack of insight and happiness. For safety/legal reasons, you really can't go along with your brother's suggestion to let her move home. What about a daycare set-up? And POA is absolutely essential. http://alzonline.phhp.ufl.edu/en/reading/Anosognosia.pdf

My husband has moderate Alzheimers and he also thinks there is nothing wrong with him. He constantly yells at me about wanting to buy a car. Of course he cannot drive anymore so I get this morning and night. I agree it might be time to look into Assisted Living for your sanity. I could not quite my job. We would be living on the street. I have a day care worker come in twice a week and taking him to day care once a week.. You need to get her on a list right away. I live in Florida and there is an Aging and Disabiliy Resource Center (I am sure there is something like that in your area). I had him on a list for about 6 months and recently had a social worker come to my home to evaluate him. My next step is the financial portion. Hoping to be approved for some type of help. Also get yourself a Durable POA right away. Until your brother can step up and help I would not even discuss anything with him. Everyone tells me they want to help but no one helps so I am basically on my own and I don't care what anyone has to say. I am doing the best I can to keep my sanity and you need to do this also.

My sister, who lives in another state, would call my mother daily and could not "see" what we at home saw daily - that my mother was declining and needed more and more help. It is not until she came to visit that she really understood what was going on. What we also found interesting is that even when my sister came for a visit, mom put on a "company" attitude and actually seemed better. So - it was hard convincing sister that mom needed more than what we could give. If your siblings are unwilling to stay with your mom, then they have no say in mom's care. If her doctor is telling you that she needs 24/7 care, then get the help of a social worker and an elder lawyer who can help you follow doctors orders. Good luck!

We have a very similar situation, only I am caring for my 90-year-old grandmother, who moved in with me and my husband 5 months ago. I am also not able to work full-time because I am caring for her, and I'm only 32. My grandma had a mini stroke in January 2014, and was not allowed to live alone anymore. My mom is very sick with a longterm illness and is not able to help, and my uncle (her son) takes zero responsibility and doesn't do anything to help out, but he questions me, like is she getting enough eat, why is her vision so bad, has she been to a Dr. lately, etc etc., when in reality, he has no clue how to care for her. He took her to his house for the very first time for an 8 hour period on Mother's Day because I told him he should spend time with her, especially on that day (he never comes to see her), and he returned her soaked in urine because she wasn't taken to the bathroom once and was in the same underwear the entire time! Bottom line, don't let the clueless people make you feel like you are doing something wrong, when in reality, you have the world on your shoulders and are doing the right thing. I started feeling like a failure, but her doctor actually told me I am taking great care of her, and she could only hope her family will take such good care of her when she gets old...that was from her doctor! It reassured me that I am doing the right thing!

Like Eyerishlass said, tell him that he is welcome to care for her half of the time, and he will most likely see how much work is involved in caring for her. He might change his tune on the longterm care.

For your own sanity, try an adult day program for your mom where you know she'll be safe. My grandma goes twice a week, and it allows me some room to breathe and feel normal. Also, get your mom on a waiting list for longterm care now. My grandma has been on a waiting list since Feb. 2014, and she's only halfway down the list...she probably has a few more months before she'll get placed. Hang in there! I seriously know what you're going through.

If anyone says anything against how you are handling things, ask them to take over. Have them sign a paper stating when they will be there to help and time and days/weeks, etc.
When push comes to shove, have them put their money where there mouth is!
Pay up or Shut UP! We're all doing the best we can and more power to us.