Mom refuses to go into long term care. She is rehabbing from hip surgery, rehab has plateaued and she is still a two person assist. Advice?

It's great that you were able to visit every day. But while I believe family should visit as often as possible, no one should feel obligated to visit every day. For most, that would still limit their own lives tremendously. I like your idea of changing your visiting times in order to get a true picture of the care your loved one is receiving.

Thank you for your answer. My wife and I have been primary caregivers for both sets of parents. My mother has always been difficult and is used to getting her way. It has been about six weeks since her hip surgery and she has not always been receptive to the rehab process if it doesn’t fit when she feels like doing it. My dad took ill four years ago with cancer. I would visit him each day and took him to most appointments. During the summer months when I was at my busiest with work my sister covered. My dad passed two years ago. My work load was lighter during the winter months and it gave me time to visit my mother each day. I would have the conversation about getting help in the house for her and each time she refused. She fell for the first time last November ending with a large gash on her head,concussion,and small brain bleed. The second fall resulted in the broken hip. She will accept no responsibility for her decisions. I have stayed away the last couple of days. My wife stopped in to see her yesterday and she talked with her a bit. My wife explained to mom that she is putting enormous pressure on me. My mother said hogwash. The next words were I am going home tomorrow. On my wife’s side her mother is 98 with late stage dementia. She lives with us and has done so for over ten years. Weekdays my mother in law goes to an adult day care from nine to one and we have aides that watch her until we get home around four. My wife from that point takes care of her. We go through the sun downing each day with all the associated things that go with it. My wife knows we are nearing the point when her mom will have to go to a facility. She is becoming more difficult to deal with by the day. Typically when sundowning anger is her driver. She will also grab anything in reach and put in her pockets or pants. Eating ,we have to watch her like a hawk as she just shovels food in her mouth. I know she has no idea that she does this and we divert her attention all the time to slow her down. We don’t have much of a life because both of us are so busy tending to parents. We also took care of my wife’s dad when he was ill. He had a stroke and was paralyzed from the chest down. I would watch him days and my wife at night. We had him with us several years. All of the things you have suggested make a lot of sense. I am new to this process of care, long term care,etc. My mother has stated she will fight us and them wherever we place her unless at home. She also said no help at home should she go there which won’t happen. The social worker said they are doing cognitive function tests on her now,but no answer on it yet. That they will be forced to medicate her is not a question anymore. I am scheduled to speak on Monday with her attorney so that we are on the same page and then move forward with the social worker. Thank you for taking time to respond.

Thank you. I know that my mom is not capable of making this decision. She won’t make it easy at all. While I wish that she not have to be medicated I know that will be our only choice. They do end like two year olds and I am aware of it, but when you see someone every day and they badger away at what they want for hours on end it gets to you. My fault for probably spending too many hours with her. I have found recently after receiving counsel from a cousin when they start in hounding you tell them to stop. If they don’t,get up and leave. I did tell my mom I was considering resigning as POA . She didn’t even blink,just kept right on about going back to her house.

Thanks for your thoughts. All the answers I have read make sense. Sitting back and realizing they do is the first step. I understand most facilities have experience with unruly people who don’t want to be there. I understand nobody wants to really be there. We have to deal with the realities at hand. Taking a few days away has at least allowed me to calm down. My wife thinks I should go visit today. I disagree in that the minute I walk in my mother will start in again. There goes my BP. I will keep the visit short and then see what the new week presents.

Thanks. When we met two weeks ago with the care team I did in fact tell them I am at the end of my rope. I explained to them that I have been with my parents every day for four years excluding my busy periods of work when my sister stepped in to help. I made the team aware that neither home is set up for a wheelchair and that mom doesn’t have the money for that kind of care. I spent most of a day last week talking with in home providers and determining costs. All said if the home isn’t set up correctly it’s a moot point. Anyway at north of two hundred thousand dollars a year for care it was out of the question anyway. I am sorry for your loss too. It isn’t easy.

We have met with her care team to discuss her discharge. I wanted to transition my mom to their long term care facility. They had an opening which is rare and they said they would move my mom. As you have read it didn’t go well and they stopped mid move and put her back in a rehab room. Where she is at is one of the nicest facilities in our area. Striking staff is a serious thing with them as stated in their handbook. That is strike one. The room has now been taken, strike two. They have a long waiting list to get in here so my guess is we will have to find another place. I know she cannot go home or come to my home. We also care for my mother in law . It is she who has dementia. We will get it sorted out. Thank you.