Mom refuses to go into long term care. She is rehabbing from hip surgery, rehab has plateaued and she is still a two person assist. Advice?

There comes a time when people, regardless of the reasons, become nasty, maniupulative, violent, horrible behavior, etc. Ask yourself - do YOU want that in your life every day? Of course not. If you are a sane, reasonable soul you will put your foot down and stop it once and for all. The people are NOT who they once were - they are devils in people clothing and bodies. Don't give in and be guilty. They should be guilty - not you. Do not put up with this and place them so you can live a normal life and take care of yourself - do not let them destroy you and they will. Don't allow that. When they are like this, you no longer owe them anything. Those days are gone forever.

Jim, I was meant to see this post. My mom isn’t quite as old but she fell, had hip surgery, she’s in rehab and she is yelling and tried to hit someone. If she refuses physical therapy one more time, Medicare will stop paying. I think they are crazy now and not the mom we knew. I just hired someone to go sit with her - in the rehab where she has 24 hour care - because she is getting more anxiety which has to make it worse. I’m with ya, brother you are not alone. Doing the exact thing now. PS. The legal system won’t help you to much as far as declaring her incompetent. Apparently, they have to act like they have a lobotomy to qualify. Sadly, It is a waste of time.

I was actually relieved whey Mom went to long term care. It was getting harder and harder for me to take care of her and she wasn't able to walk or even stand up on her own. She also had dementia but seraquel calmed her down. She'd still get mad at me but not like she used to. One morning I went to see her at the nursing home and she thought I was there to take her home. I told her I was sorry but I couldn't take her home. I told her that I couldn't take care of her. Then she said well if you're not going to take me home then get the hell out of my room. It was a bit upsetting but I learned not to let it upset me.

Don’t resign. Get her doctor involved. And put her in a LTC. Does not matter what she says. She is not capable of caring for herself. Would you let a three year old live alone in a house. Go once a week and take care of yourself

There's a book for new parents - What to Expect When You're Expecting. But I wish there was something for us who are taking care of our aging parents, to help guide us through the muck that comes with all of this.

I think it's important for you to remember that at 102, I'm sure she doesn't have the all of her faculties. When she says hurtful things and you are seeing your Mom saying them, it's hard to remember that mentally, she isn't really "Mom". Her not allowing doctors to take care of her and not having the abilities to take care of herself (which I'm sure doctors have signed off on) means that as POA, you can make the decisions for her and whether or not she likes them is, at this point, irrelevant.

Don't feel guilty about getting her into a LTC facility. It's where she needs to be for sure, whether or not she believes it to be so. She's not the first combative patient places like this have had and maybe once she realizes that this is the way it is, she will be less combative.

Hang in there, Jim. It's so hard, I know. While I'm not in the same boat as you, yet, I'm at the dock waiting to get in my own boat. It's hard, some days moreso than others. I hope, if you just know in your heart that you are doing the best for her because she no longer can, that will make your decisions easier. Prayers to you.

I know the guilt is overwhelming, but your mom is no longer capable of making good/safe decisions for herself.  Think back to when you had small children...sometimes you had to make a decision that was in their best interest and they were probably really mad at you in the moment.  This situation with your mom is no different.  The roles are now reversed and you have to make the tough calls for your mom so that she is safe and well cared for. Most folks are not set up in their home with the equipment needed and the 24 hr staff to maintain an ailing persons needs.  You know what you need to do.  You are being a good son in making the right call. 
She is 102!  Wow.  Do you know that only 0.0173% of the population live to be 100?  She is lucky to have a son who cares about her well being and will find a clean, safe, qualified long term care facility to make sure she gets what she needs during her time left on this earth.

Don't feel guilty Jim.  Take care.

Ah yes, there comes a time, like say, when a parent is 102, when they no longer have a choice about where they get to live, due to the level of care they now require. Your mom needs to be in a Skilled Nursing Facility and you need to be OFF the hook for her day-to-day care now. Enough is enough.

I just got home from a very horribly stressful visit with my 92 year old mother who lives in Memory Care. She was in a fit-to-be-tied mood and argued with every single word I said. She wound up saying she'd be 'moving out and walking the streets' so I trotted right into the Executive Director's office to have a little chat with her about mother's behavior. The ED trotted right into mother's room to have a little chat with HER, which kind of let ME off the hook a bit, because now, someone else was taking responsibility for her, if you catch my drift. But hey, I get to go home after such a visit because she is paying $6400 a month for others who are trained properly to care for her and assist her with 100% of everything she does.

If my mother lives to 102 I shall literally SHOOT myself and I'm not kidding. God bless you for all you've done, and continue to do, for your mother. Please, my friend, get her placed NOW before YOU wind up being the one to go before HER.

I read this and thought it was my brother talking about our late mother. She fell daily and refused help. We removed the guns (she was an avid hunter) because she shot at the aide who came to check on her. She burned her necklace that notified us if she fell, if she got mad at you, which she did regularly, she wouldn't open the door. We had keys made to the gate and door. I and my husband made trip after trip to her home to pick her up from the floor and the yard at all times of the day and night. She constantly threatened to kill herself. Her last trip to the dr. office she said it to the dr. She was there to follow up on a fractured wrist from a fall. The doctor told her one more fall, one more threat and she would have her sent to a nursing home. She fell outside a couple of days later and I had to carry her to the ER. Her shoulder was out of socket and she fractured her other wrist. It was 2 or 3 days till Christmas and the doctor in ER said he was sending her home. I told him NO WAY! I called her dr whose office was adjacent to the hospital and had her talk to ER dr. Mom was admitted and moved to a nursing home right after Christmas. She never got to go back home. She refused to do any of the crafts or other things and loved her nurses one day, hated them the next. After a year and half, she had become combative and would refuse to ask for help for anything and falling again. She was put in a memory unit and swore everyone was stealing her stuff and all her phones. We took the phone because she had never used it. I had her clothes each week to wash. Her shoes were stolen but she was stealing things too. She was there until last Dec 18th when she passed following another fall with head injury. Even with the safety pad on the floor she would get up and try to leave. She climbed over their 10' metal fence once, thru the window once or twice and walked out the front door. It took 4 adults to get her back in that last time.
Mom was always one who would give you the food from her kitchen, the clothes off her back if she felt you needed it. But she was stubborn. I cared for her for about 2 to 3 years and still handled her home/finances after she was admitted. A week before her death, my husband was diagnosed with dementia leading to alzheimers. I am exhausted and know the time is quickly approaching when he will need more than I can give. He does get violent at times and all the guns were removed from our home because he is constantly plotting my death. He now just sits and stared at the tv and smokes. His muscles are failing from disuse, his glaucoma has taken all but about 10% of the sight from one eye. I am seeing the same thing with him as you are, I am trying not to feel guilty for being exhausted and wondering when if ever I will have a life. We can't take care of our loved ones if we don't have help and take care of ourselves first. You are not selfish, you are practical. I wish you the best. Don't let it destroy you. She needs a lot of care. And our children are not supposed to be our caregivers. We have made pre-arrangements for ourselves which include a nursing home. Please talk to her dr.

at one point, I told mom to use the telephone and call someone. She didn't know how to use the phone.... :(

my mom said for the first year I moved her in to a small board and care home facility was: go home go home go home go home....

Last time she talked was when I asked her my name, and she said her sister
s name, and I said No.. That was the last time she spoke...

It's hard, very hard, and you need to know YOUR BOUNDARIES. If you know you cannot take care of her and that is not in the best interest for her, you get her into a place near you, so you can visit with her often.

Know, that is okay.. Your mom has interests, and if you find the right facility, they may find fun things for mom to do... Bingo, games, trivia, art, activities, dance, music, etc etc...

If you think it may be better, get a doctor to say she is not allowed to live alone and she needs to move into a safe environment.

102 years old..like get a reality check..her body is super old and wore out. Less than 1% of the population lives to be over 100. Let her do what she wants and let the social worker organize nursing home placement. She will adapt to it.

YOUR MOM HAS DEMENTIA!!! - stop being an ostrich about this & stop asking if she wants to go to assisted living JUST DO IT - she is a 2 year old going on 103 - do not resign as POA at this time but rather try to remember how a 2 or 3 year old would react when you stop them from doing what they want .... & how different is your mom - they will say/do/swear/over-react to anything & everything that gets in their way of what they want

At this stage they believe that it is not the sun nor the earth that is the centre of the universe but it is them & their wants - so what if she doesn't like it .... have you ever met anyone who said 'I want to live in a nursing home' ... NO NO - she has lost the faculties to make good judgements for herself - she will try to guilt you doing what she wants but if asked all she will say & re-say is 'I want to go home' but she has no concept  of what is involved

Good judgement prevails over the wants of an individual who is not in touch with reality - you are a good son so stop being manipulated by her - this person is a shell of what your concept of 'mom' is - she will remember things about you one day & not the next - I told my mom it was temporary until her hand improved so she thought it was a long term rehab place & she was happy about that so please try it if you can

P.S. - as a man your first reaction is to bail out when the going gets tough - now to try to own up to the responsibilities of a POA & start making the nitty gritty choices - otherwise bail out & let the women of the family pick up after you - grow up & get a backbone when dealing with your mom [you are probably 70+ years old by now] - I know this is strong but someone has to slap you upside your head to make you wake up that it is not a walk in the garden to be jettisonned when it is no a longer simple job - otherwise do like so many jellyfish men do & bail out [& the women will do it for you] but you lose the right to complain ever again about her care

Under no circumstances, take her into your home. DO NOT DO IT! Yes, elders turn into 2 year olds. I saw it with my own mother, who clammed up when she didn't care to answer a simple question. Prayers sent to you dear man ....
She needs long term care - tell the social worker.

Just tell Social Worker you agree with them...that she needs long term care..have the Medicaid office help with the application. Tell them there’s nobody in her house to help her. The behavior is indicative of dementia. Violent outbursts like my 92 yo mother with dementia has. Seroquel helps..ask her dr for script. If she stays violent, facility will send her for short term stay at psych ward to get her on medication & stable. She needs to be in SNF, not ALF. Good luck.

First of all, with a hip surgery, she will need to be in a SNF for at least 3 months, so she’s not going anywhere now. There is no need to even bring this up right now. The answer will come in time, you have to see how she is doing after her 3 month rehab, then deal with this then.

Why tell her it's assisted living. Just tell her she has to move to another area to keep getting the rehab.

You might tell her, they are going to test her to see if she is ready to go home. Then tell her she has to get out of bed and walk to the bathroom by herself. Be standing there with help. When she can't do it, tell her she has to work some more at getting well and for now. See if she is more willing to work with them after that. If not, tell her she has to move to a different bed where they have help to get her going again.

Just flat out telling her she can't go home probably won't work.

When the point comes when it is no longer safe for anyone to live alone in their own home/apartment, then they cannot be permitted to do so. It does not matter how much of a temper tantrum they throw.

Almost no human body is capable of being fully independent at age 102. Can she change her own burned-out lightbulbs, balance her checkbook, mop her kitchen floor, strip the bed and wash/dry the sheets, drive herself or take the bus to each of her medical appointments? If she is unable to do those things, then she is not "independent."

I might mention an analogy from the late singer Glen Campbell who died of Alzheimer's disease. He had five family members taking turns, round-the-clock, to care for him at home. He reached a stage when he became violent, and was still physically strong enough to do serious injury to his caregivers. They were unable to cope with this behavior, and feared for their own safety, so, they had no choice but to place him into a memory care facility. He was safe there and supervised 24/7 - and he remained there until he died.

The time has come for this woman to be in some type of care facility, for her own safety and that of her family.

JimL this is just a quick point - your mother became violent and struck out on being moved: has anybody checked the surgery site? Sudden pain does make people lash out, and if something's gone wonky again in her hip that would do it. Pain, fear and anger tend to hunt together.

my father in laws doctor wrote a letter saying he could not go home in his condition. That did it. Told him not our decision but the doctors. She can object but just stay away for a period of time. She can’t get home on her own

Your mother of 102 in age but thinks and behaves like a 2 year old. She wants what she wants and she doesn't care how she gets it. She is as independent as a 2 month old minus the cuteness. Maybe it's easier to deal with her if you think of her as a tantrum-throwing terrible two and treat her as such.

As cold-hearted as it sounds, I had to anonymously report my mom to the state so that they would take her drivers license away. You may have the ability to get help by having your mother declared a danger to herself and others through the Baker Act. There is probably a way to do it anonymously. Sounds like it would be bad for your dad to care for her and she really needs extra help. I’m not sorry I did it. I didn’t want to live with the guilt of her killing someone. Just an idea.

I just read Lymie61's suggestions, and I agree wholeheartedly! Spell out your mom's choices, and have medical staff available to back you up. When my father-in-law was about to be released from hospital, we were told that the family needed to meet with the medical staff (2 doctors and a social worker) to discuss his needs. They made it very clear to us that he could not be released to his home without 24/7 care, and they said that he could no longer take care of his wife.
Because it came from the mouths of medical professionals, my father-in-law took it seriously. He wasn't happy that he needed help, but he accepted it because he knew his limitations.

This issue seems very much like one a close brother in law dealt with for more than ten years. He had a good business to run, teen daughter and my sister who was just diagnosed with breast cancer. He hired good people to o care for her in her home at considerable expense, he was with her several times a week and they also spent mist weekends with her. She absolutely would not go to the best assisted living residence around between age 90 to 101. The wear on him was visible but he just wouldn’t commit her to assisted care. She died at 101 and he was diagnosed with a very fast form of cancer three weeks later and passed three months later at age 58. The stress was enormous and I feel like she sucked the life out of him. I always felt as did my sister that his father would never have wanted this for him and that his senile mother long had forgotten to be a loving mother. You should talk to a family law attorney, have yourself appointed to make these decisions over an adult incompetent and put her in the best assisted living she can afford.

My sympathies to you, you are going through a very difficult situation. You may want to speak with a professional social worker to find out what your options are.

My god, these "sick" people can become monsters and we, those who take care of them, MUST, NEVER, EVER ALLOW THAT BEHAVIOR. When all kind, loving attempts fail to stop this horrible behavior, we must be strong and realize they will destroy us mentally and physically - absolutely unacceptable. Arrange with the appropriate professionals to "remove" her and place her. She will scream and rant and rave - let her. She can't and won't control herself and can't care for herself. You MUST REMOVE HER AT ONCE TO A FACILITY WHERE THEY CAN CARE FOR HER AND DEAL WITH HER BEHAVIOR. You cannot, under any circumstances, continue this - please act now. And if you want to, then bow out and get out of the picture to save your sanity but guardianship is very expensive. I would start by getting her placed and make it known you cannot and will no longer care for her. They will be forced to do something with her.

I have dealt with this exact situation many times with family. Your Mom needs homecare and the best way for that to happen is to just introduce her to someone willing to help who perhaps has someone who can help when needed with transfers. If she is sent to a Nursing home (she doesn't sound like a candidate for assisted living) she will not get the 1 on 1 attention she needs so she can heal. Once she bonds with her caregiver she will be fine. Its her only option at this point.

If your mom isn't cognitively impaired, no dementia at all she has the right to decide where she goes and where she doesn't but she needs the clear choices spelled out for her because she doesn't have the right to decide anything for you, just for herself. She grasps at using guilt because she is terrified, terrified of dying, terrified of being an invalid, terrified of being dependent on strangers, simply terrified of the unknown, who knows but using guilt trips on you has probably worked in the past thus far so she's going to hang tight to that tool, it's what she knows. This doesn't mean she actually means what she says or is even doing it thoughtfully, she's desperate and probably doesn't even know why. At 102 her thought's, experiences and knowledge of a Nursing Home, Long Term Care and where people pass is very different from even the average situation today so she may just not be able to hear that moving from one "rehab" room to another LTC room really doesn't change much for her, it's easier to accept that you need to be in rehab for a while because there is a carrot at the end LTC means to her you will die here (which may or may not be true). My suggestion would be to give her the options to choose from.
1. She can stay in the same rehab facility and work with the same therapists to rehab but for insurance reasons she will need to move to a LT room. It's simply an insurance thing because her injury requires more rehab than days allotted for short term rehab, this is why these facilities have/do both. Once she is mobile on her own again and signed off by PT & doctors she will have the choice to go home on her own.

2. She can ignore doctors orders and PT recommendations and sign herself out to go home. But she will need to make arrangements and pay for help at home unless she is capable of getting up and caring for herself. You and other family members are not capable of being with her 24/7 and caring for her, that's why she needs rehab. While you don't agree with this decision and you worry about the consequences to her of making it you will of course do what she wishes as POA as directed (sign forms, make arrangements, pay bills...) but not provide hands on care and lifting, you can't. I imagine you are in your 70's, it takes 2 trained people in rehab to transfer her, she can do the math.

3. She can find another arrangement/facility.

She needs to know that refusing to do anything to care for herself will likely force the rehab/state to step in and deem her unable to care for herself because it's very unlikely they are going to let her go home without a plan in place for care since she isn't able on her own (why she's in rehab to start) and while you have been willing to take on this responsibility if it's going to create this unbearable stress between you you wont be able or willing to add to it by taking on this responsibility, meaning she will be appointed a stranger to make decisions for her. It isn't totally in your hands unless she allows it to be and it isn't totally in her hands unless she proves she's capable by behaving rationally.

Give her back a feeling of some control, make sure she doesn't feel abandoned but make sure she knows her choices and that she needs to be responsible with them to keep control but in a gentle in your face kind of way, lol. Seriously though take some of that off of you, you will continue to take on responsibility to help her as long as she wants but you don't have total control, she is under doctors care and they have legal responsibilities. She has too meet certain criteria that aren't in your control or the facilities completely. I want to see you get off of this cliff and back to a place where you are caring for and about mom rather than dreading contact with her.

If mom does have dementia that's a whole other ball game and it may be time to just take control and make the only decision you can. Enlist the facility and doctors help, maybe cog eval and or meds to help trans.

I know this will sound heartless, but have her sedated so the move can be accomplished without anyone getting hurt. You have the right to ask them to do this. I agree that you should not take her into your home at this point, because placing her later will be harder.

It has been recommended to me by others in my dementia support group to stop trying to reason with someone that is unwilling to cooperate, or can't. At this point you must protect yourself and your wife, let the folks in charge of your mother and her doctors take care of her. Being the POA and medical surrogate, we must do what is best even when it is beyond difficult. Time will heal your hurt feelings, until then, remove yourself as frequently and as often as you need to. We are not called to be martyrs, it is not part of care giving or loving.

A bit of the same boat here. As others said tell her social worker there is no one to care for her so she can not go home. They will place her You may want to visit a few local nursing homes now to see if you like any in case there is a choice. Try to find a place close to you so can easily pop in. If you take her home it will be much harder for you to get her placed later. Am so sorry you are going through this and know how painful and exhausting it is. You really are taking the best care of mom by keeping her safe. Be sure to take care of yourself too.