Mom refuses to go into long term care. She is rehabbing from hip surgery, rehab has plateaued and she is still a two person assist. Advice?

Very sorry, but at this point it is not up to Mom. She clearly isn't in control. At some point they seem to descend back into the world of regression to the point that they become 2 years old. Would we allow a two year old to make decisions? Sadly enough I guess, these days we seem to.
You have received good advice. She does need placement now. DO NOT make the GRAVE mistake of taking her into your home. You will not easily have her removed from that situation and it will be a nightmare.
Now you tell her quite simply that she will have to accept placement. If she is combative the placement will not be as pleasant as it would be otherwise as she would require memory care and medication, which she may require in ANY case. You tell her that this is not up for argument.
I cannot believe the numbers of people who live their lives by guilt. Are we flawed and inadequate human beings? Yes. We are. Are we Saints, doormats, slaves? No, we are not. Yet over and over again I see people martyring themselves out of guilt to people undeserving of the care. Even if DESERVING of it, there is a limit to what humans beings can endure. So not up for argument. Admit to the being flawed. Tell her that yes, you are an inadequate son, and as such very close to giving her guardianship up to the state who will not have much time to listen to her abusive critique. Nor care overmuch. States feel no guilt. Psychopaths and narcissists don't either. Only good and decent people feel guilt. Welcome to the club of the enormously flawed human beings.

"I am ready to resign as her power of attorney and have the court appoint a guardian." You have done your best and wanting to resign while understandable for your self preservation at this point is not going to get you the relief you seek.

Do not accept discharge to home. Do not piecemeal together help for her at home. If she's competent, which I doubt, she won't appreciate your efforts. And if she's not competent, which seems to be the case, she won't appreciate your efforts. You can still help her as her POA by stepping back from the day-to-day, working with the healthcare team to find longterm care, selling her house, and using the money to pay for her care.

No one ought to be abused by those for whom we are caring and it should not be tolerated.

She is not going back to her house, no matter how much she screams. She cannot. I can see the anxiety in your post but try to take a deep breath and work with staff to find placement for her. Under no circumstances should you try to make some arrangement to get her home with help. She cannot live alone. She needs 3 shifts of caregivers a day; no one can take that abuse for more than 8 hours. She needs to be seen by psychiatrist and put on some meds to calm down a bit. She is probably frantic and understands her only hope (at least in her mind) is to control you with her fury to get what she wants. But she cannot have what she wants and sorry, at 102, she has lived a long life. No need for her to take yours too. Just remain firm with staff and say no, she has to be placed. There will be no reasoning with her so really don't bother trying. Hopefully you can find a place to agree to take her; but remember no one really wants to go into a facility, no matter how nice. And she will not be the first one they have had to deal with who has a bad attitude. Try to make it as easy on yourself as possible. You still have her house and all her other stuff to deal with.

Dear Jim,
I have been following your questions about your life. You and your wife have your hands full. I second telling the Social Worker at Mom's rehab that there is no home set up for a wheelchair to get around. Tell them you are already careing for a MIL. You must say you cannot take your Mother home. It takes a village to care for a 2 person assist. I also think some "calm down" meds may have to be started. Your Mom is terrified you say of being alone. So was my Mom after my Dad died. If she didn't want to be alone in the NH bathroom...well life at home would be the same way. We all do this as long as we can for our parents. But there has to be a point where you can tell the SW that you simply cannot do this anymore. You have no extra help, home is not set up for her, your already caregivers for MIL, and she is not a safe discharge to home because there is NO 24/7 help there at all. It is horribly hard to do I know. I finally after 71/2 years put my Mama in Memory Care. She has had a Geriatric Phych. Evaluation, new low dose meds and is settling in. This is hard but you must say to rehab you can't being her home it is just too much for you. You have lost Dad too and you sound like me 6 months ago. At the end of the rope. Please the a knot on the end of your rope and hang on.

I am exhausted reading about your situation. No wonder you are at the end of your rope. Most people would never have been able to do all that you and your wife have done and are doing for your aging parents. Your mother needs full time care and supervision. It is not her decision anymore since she cannot take care of herself. Walking away from her protests and accusations might be your best strategy. Engaging in argumentative conversation further reinforces her terrible behavior. You need to preserve your own sanity or you won't be able to function as POA anyway.

When the point comes when it is no longer safe for anyone to live alone in their own home/apartment, then they cannot be permitted to do so. It does not matter how much of a temper tantrum they throw.

Almost no human body is capable of being fully independent at age 102. Can she change her own burned-out lightbulbs, balance her checkbook, mop her kitchen floor, strip the bed and wash/dry the sheets, drive herself or take the bus to each of her medical appointments? If she is unable to do those things, then she is not "independent."

I might mention an analogy from the late singer Glen Campbell who died of Alzheimer's disease. He had five family members taking turns, round-the-clock, to care for him at home. He reached a stage when he became violent, and was still physically strong enough to do serious injury to his caregivers. They were unable to cope with this behavior, and feared for their own safety, so, they had no choice but to place him into a memory care facility. He was safe there and supervised 24/7 - and he remained there until he died.

The time has come for this woman to be in some type of care facility, for her own safety and that of her family.

Ok..your mom is 102. She has had one hell of a long life. She is no longer capable of making her own decisions and you have POA for a reason. Do not let her tantrums rule your decisions. There are a percentage of elders who will NOT go cheerfully to the next level of care...my dad being one of them. I'm sorry it didn't fit with his life plan but then I'm not the one who broke a femur around the prosthetic hip and had to have it nailed and cabled back together and then refused to learn to walk again. So from AL to LTC he went. Lately as his dementia progressed after yet another fall and break, he became angry, agitated and even striking and hurting people. We have a new doctor who is trying Tegratol for this behavior and we are hoping it will help. So all this to say, do what's in her best interests and yours and get her admitted to LTC regardless of her refusal. And then get a doctor to assess her behavior before moving her.
The mean and hurtful things are difficult to take, as again I've heard the same from my dad. They will blame us till the sun no longer shines. I read about something on here called "going gray rock". I wished I'd known that back then. But google it and read up on it and use that technique with your mom. As for you wife trying to reason with her...good luck. Don't even go there, she doesn't want to hear it. It only makes them angrier. And never argue.
I'm sorry your life is so all consumed by this as I know it is very very hard. Hang in there.

I really empathize with your dilemma. I really beat myself up when I had to put my mom first in assisted living, and then because she fell and wore a cast, I placed her in a nursing home. At the very minimum allow yourself the reality that you can and probably will visit her daily or almost daily.
She will be safe.
Unfortunately what she “wants” is not a reality. She’s scared and trying to retain some control but just do what you know is right. If she is verbally abusive to the staff it won’t be the first time they’ve seen that. And though it’s impossible to imagine right now she might actually like it once she sees that she is safe and you’re visiting and it’s not as scary as she pictures it.
One random tip: I visited my mom daily until her death ( she was there about 3 yrs) but always switched up the times. That way the staff never knew when I would show up.

Under no circumstances, take her into your home. DO NOT DO IT! Yes, elders turn into 2 year olds. I saw it with my own mother, who clammed up when she didn't care to answer a simple question. Prayers sent to you dear man ....
She needs long term care - tell the social worker.

I read this and thought it was my brother talking about our late mother. She fell daily and refused help. We removed the guns (she was an avid hunter) because she shot at the aide who came to check on her. She burned her necklace that notified us if she fell, if she got mad at you, which she did regularly, she wouldn't open the door. We had keys made to the gate and door. I and my husband made trip after trip to her home to pick her up from the floor and the yard at all times of the day and night. She constantly threatened to kill herself. Her last trip to the dr. office she said it to the dr. She was there to follow up on a fractured wrist from a fall. The doctor told her one more fall, one more threat and she would have her sent to a nursing home. She fell outside a couple of days later and I had to carry her to the ER. Her shoulder was out of socket and she fractured her other wrist. It was 2 or 3 days till Christmas and the doctor in ER said he was sending her home. I told him NO WAY! I called her dr whose office was adjacent to the hospital and had her talk to ER dr. Mom was admitted and moved to a nursing home right after Christmas. She never got to go back home. She refused to do any of the crafts or other things and loved her nurses one day, hated them the next. After a year and half, she had become combative and would refuse to ask for help for anything and falling again. She was put in a memory unit and swore everyone was stealing her stuff and all her phones. We took the phone because she had never used it. I had her clothes each week to wash. Her shoes were stolen but she was stealing things too. She was there until last Dec 18th when she passed following another fall with head injury. Even with the safety pad on the floor she would get up and try to leave. She climbed over their 10' metal fence once, thru the window once or twice and walked out the front door. It took 4 adults to get her back in that last time.
Mom was always one who would give you the food from her kitchen, the clothes off her back if she felt you needed it. But she was stubborn. I cared for her for about 2 to 3 years and still handled her home/finances after she was admitted. A week before her death, my husband was diagnosed with dementia leading to alzheimers. I am exhausted and know the time is quickly approaching when he will need more than I can give. He does get violent at times and all the guns were removed from our home because he is constantly plotting my death. He now just sits and stared at the tv and smokes. His muscles are failing from disuse, his glaucoma has taken all but about 10% of the sight from one eye. I am seeing the same thing with him as you are, I am trying not to feel guilty for being exhausted and wondering when if ever I will have a life. We can't take care of our loved ones if we don't have help and take care of ourselves first. You are not selfish, you are practical. I wish you the best. Don't let it destroy you. She needs a lot of care. And our children are not supposed to be our caregivers. We have made pre-arrangements for ourselves which include a nursing home. Please talk to her dr.