Sometimes it feels like my Mom is really a lot more "with it" than she lets on! Is this common?

I think this is very common, rosebud, I think it is called show timing(?) . From what I have learned here I believe the person with AD can , for awhile, keep up a good front but it is tiring and more than not an act. Does she really remember the people she is seeing on church or just pretending? Is she getting clues from other church members on how to act or is is it natural? I think she has probably learned how to fake it and then when she comes home she is tired and cranky from having to be so "on" and probably more than a little scared and sad. I am sure she feels comfortable with you so she let's her guard down and she let's her frustration out. It is not fair to you and you should not have to put up with abuse but , I think, it is also understandable when the elder knows of their affliction and tries so hard to be normal but knows they are not.
I also wonder if it is like tics. My daughter has tics. Right now she has the very trying tic of spitting. Before she had a tic where she would hit her knees. Anyway-when she is at school she can somehow control them--it is almost a subconscious control---but when she comes home the tics come put full force. This is common with tics and Tourette's. It is not really like she can control them because if she could she would stop at home but her brain sorta has more control in a more stricter environment. I wonder if it is a little like that with AD? Just a thought.
I would try to think of your Mom's show timing like my daughter's tics and not hold it against her. Just think of it like she has more subconscious control in a more restricted environment--just so you don't get upset with her or hurt by her actions. Just my thoughts. Good luck!!!

It sounds like your mom is in another stage of Alz/Dementia. My mother-in-law could do the same thing, and at first, I was sure she was doing it on purpose (i.e. being sane when people were around, but a dingbat and driving me crazy when we were by ourselves). But now that she progressed further, I realized it was just one of the stages they go through. It sucks, for her and you. And is very hard to deal with, so know that you're not alone in dealing with this frustration. ((HUGS))

Showtiming I know so very well, my mother showtimed an excellent performance to the police! Also, she is also quite capable of manipulation, control and uses her cognitive decline to her advantage, I talked to Geriatrician and he said, yes she can have cognitive decline and be sneaky and crafty. There you have it

my husband (82 ALZ) is a master of show timing around anyone else, on the phone, he is Mr Hyde, one on one with me 24/7 that is where Dr. Jekyll shows up. does anyone know how long this continues on? Just hang in there for now, you are not alone in this, there are many of us with you.

I think one way to know is to look at the history of the individual. My mother has always been all about herself. Everything is about her! She is the manipulation queen. And boy, can she turn it on! I think this is a trait of NPD and other than 'becoming more of herself' as she gets older, I don't see this behavior as anything other than just her being herself.
She is particularly vitriolic to me and recently she pulled something really heinous (not worth repeating all of it here) and my husband decided her viciousness had to be addressed rather than ignored, which is how we and most of my family has always dealt with her. He called my father, knowing if anyone could possibly get her to contain her behavior he is the only one (and he has little luck either). A few hours later she called for my husband and turned on the whiniest, tiniest, little old lady voice you have ever heard. If you didn't know what she was capable of, you could fall for it. She whined his name and the told him she wanted to 'apologize....BUT YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT A TERRIBLE DAUGHTER SHE IS!' (about me referencing her apology and 'why'). There was no real apology; she likes my husband and he has held his tongue for the 11 years he has known her so I really think she believes she had him fooled. She was CAUGHT and that was what she regretted! Her mean and vindictive behavior has lasted all of my 58 years. I see no change other than she is meaner! My dad believes in marriage for life and he has had to convince himself she is something other than she is or he would have had to get out! And the rest of my siblings just say 'well, that's just the way she is'. OK, she is older now (78), she has lived a lifetime of getting no exercise and not taking care of herself so she has some aches and pains that are worse as a result of those things. Yet she can throw a party for 50 people very adeptly. I 'got out' when I was young and have not lived nearby, as most of the rest of my family does to her, so when I have been around her I am shell shocked.
My husband had to tell them to 'lose our number'. Years ago in counseling I was told "you seem to let your dad off the hook and blame everything on your mother. Your dad is up to his eyeballs in this as well" (and he told me I had to be able to admit to myself that my mother just isn't able to love me. Period).
I think a lot of us want to see our parents in the positive light. I get it. I do too. But really it is what it is and evil and or manipulation can come in any package and at any age.

I feel your pain. My dad does this whenever we go to the Dr. or hospital.. Makes me look like a fool. Thank-you everyone for your stories. Helps to know I'm not going crazy.

I also want to thank everyone who takes the time for thoughtful answers on this site. I have learned a lot - mainly that I am not alone and that all the behaviors by my loved one, good and bad, are not unusual.

My dad and mom live in an assisted living facility. They get their meals, help with cleaning, changing sheets etc. The problem is that my dad has started to fall. He hurt his arm because his skin is so paper thin it just scraped it open. It was just getting better and he fell again. Hurt his shoulder and reopened the sore on his arm. I insisted on taking him to urgent care to make sure that nothing was broken and to see about his sore. They had to cauterize it to stop the bleeding. He went home and that same night he fell again and opened up the side of his other arm. I don't know what to do. I keep going over there and wrapping his arms up but he keeps opening them up again. He only falls at night when he is getting up to go to the bathroom. We got him a container to pee in and he still falls when he uses it. Last night I bought him diapers. He had a fit but I told him that he can't keep falling like this. He didn't fall and he didn't have to go to the bathroom either. I hope this works. My mom is terrified that he might have to go to a home. She is in a wheelchair and he does a lot for her. Neither of them want to go to a home but I feel responsible for their safety. What would you do in my place?

My dad's neurologist states he is in early stages of dementia. He is very kind to me and my husband, but my mom indicates he says terrible things to her, otherwise. So, she in turn is mean and berating to him, all of the time. It's a vicious cycle. He indicates she mentally beats him down consistently. I see her verbal abuse, but I don't see his. Seems his behavior deteriorates when they are alone. It's very sad. I'm struggling with how to deal with it.

I think my eighty six year old does this, I never heard the phrase show-timing, but when we are alone, boy oh boy does she go into a spin, enough to drive me nuts. I have always been aware of the manipulation and other things, such as when i wash her hair, every other day (she has excessive dandruff and oily hair) or give her a shower (daily) she doesn't like it, her son used to believe their was something more going on and not in my favor, until he caught her from beginning to end, in one of those episodes and he realized how she was manipulating him he stopped rescuing her. Now we are on the same page.

When she is out in public, she is so animated, we make a day of it, until its dinnertime and bed.

Sun downing (at this moment) consists of putting her watch and her medic-alert necklace to bed (in a small trinket jewelry box and lid). She then reads a German movie-star magazine, not sure if she is really reading, but looks like she is.

Oh by the way her OCD of her glasses and purse was alleviate by buying a see-thru plastic traveling make-up bag and putting her glasses and inhaler in there, it stopped the opening and closing of her purse every two seconds and she can leave the house without the OCD happening when she leaves....

My father is in moderate stage of dementia and still tries to be the businessman he once was, so I too know what you mean Rosebud58. He laughs and acts as though he understands but he doesn't or, if he does, cannot respond in a coherent way. I think it's good to remind them of those good times: I'm glad you had such a nice visit with friends from church. They enjoyed seeing you. Thanks for helping me put away groceries (even when the eggs went to the freezer and the ice cream into the fridge). I appreciate the help. I say this knowing full well how much energy and creative thinking it takes to do that on a daily basis! When Dad was in early stages, he could seem very "with it." Yet we wasn't, and those of us around him the most knew that, while others didn't. Some times I wonder whether early on, our stepping in for him, may have contributed to a certain helplessness and obvious irritation that, perhaps, generated more stubbornness with us.

Would "guiding" him more have helped? Probably not, because he wants to be in control, yet so much has been out of his control for so long. Sometimes I remind him that he can do things. Now Dad, I know you can . . . brush your teeth, put on your shirt, get out of your chair, etc. . .. Do dementia patients/elderly follow directions from caregivers who are not their children? It would seem so or they could never care for several patients at a time!

Hang in there and remind yourself that the behavior is not "against" you. I must do that 25 times per day because I tend to personalize my Dad's reactions. Daily I ask for strength and wisdom and patience. Daily I get frustrated and feel bad. Daily I breathe deeply and tell myself that I am giving my father a home, which he much prefers over a nursing home. Some times I sigh and let myself acknowledge my limitations and that dementia is an awful thing. Several times each week, I ask what it is I am to learn from this situation. And sometimes, together, we even have a laugh over something.

I can relate to the Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde behavior. My 94-year-old mother does her sweet old lady act when we are out or when someone visits us at home. Then the minute we're alone, back comes the monster.

In the age of smart-phones and other digital gadgets, it wouldn't be too hard to catch the nasty behavior on video if you need to demonstrate it to someone.

But in terms of your own relationship, what's the point? Is she going to change? The important thing is to protect your own wellbeing. The trick is to just let her be as she is, deception and all. And avoid being sucked into her phony dramas. If everything you say is twisted and turned against you, stop talking. It isn't easy, but you can detach in such a way that you are at peace with it.

Remember the "law of attraction" that causes us to become what we think about. That chilling prospect is what motivates me to focus away from The Momster. Blessings to us all as we experience these opportunities for growth.

to frustrated2 - wow, your comment could have easily been written by me. 58 years of narcissistic, emotional and psychic abuse! I actually had to sever ties with mom completely (for 13 years!) when I was in my 40's, but then a few years ago started to feel guilty about that, knowing she was getting older, etc. As always, things were sort of ok for a while, but then she went right back to her sicko behavior. Then, suddenly, not long afterwards, she's smack dab in the middle of ALZ/DEM, and I (underlined) end up being the one to be her caretaker! (No other relatives) It's true, I guess I must have some love for her way deep down (along with truly feeling sorry for her) but I somehow can't help feeling like this is a very bad joke on me from the universe. In a way it's (well, not quite, but almost!) like a scenario of having to go back to an ex~spouse, decades later, and be their 24/7 caretaker! Of course I doubt that would ever be possible, but it's funny tho, sometimes it really does feel that way.

Showtiming, eh? So it has a name! My mom appears to be doing it right now in front of some poor lady she called to hem her pants. That's right--she's so lazy, some poor woman had to COME TO THE HOUSE to hem her pants. Yet when she drags me food-shopping when I'm in agony, she tells me she has no money, and I must pay for it. ALL of it. Plus all the house supplies. But I digress. I just wanted to let frustrated2 know I feel her pain (oh, boy, do I ever), but that she at least has a husband and family who understand. I know that doesn't alleviate any of the hurt you no doubt feel at your mother's manipulations and hurtful comments, but it could be worse. Draw on them for strength, and continue being the good daughter you know you are. Oh, wait, my mother's telling this lady she expects to be put in a nursing home (as if!) so I have to go and defend myself. Again. Be strong, people (I know it's so hard!) You're not alone.

Reading all these post really helps me! My Mom does the exact same things. She will be 85 this year and she wants everyone and everything to rotate around her. I love Mom but it's hard being around her and to talk with her on the phone because she's so negative all the time. No one can do anything right..which tells me that when I'm not around I'm not doing anything right either. I've come to the point that I just ignore Mom a lot and at times I feel bad but with my other siblings not really caring about what happens to Mom it has become too much for me to deal with. I do check up on her, so don't get me wrong, but it's a chore for me to listen to so much negative things. Mom has always been like this and trying to change the subject does not work, she's smarter than what she acts.
Thanks!

Wow...I really use to wonder what mom was doing, she was the perfect actress in front of docs etc... most times, but then do crazed stuff, as you mentioned "show timing"...and I didn't know but now I know why, thanks.

its sad that your dad keeps falling. but with your mom in a wheelchair there is not much she can do to help him. i fear that there is only a few options left. either they move into a fully assisted home , have a nurse hired for the night to watch over him. or move them into your home with you , but thats going to be a huge uptaking for you especially since you will have two parents to care for. but i would NOT separate them at all i think thats so cruel sometimes they make it so they can not be in the same nursing home room. to sad.

And on the showtiming, it literally made me feel like I was going crazy. People did not believe me that there was something not right, I was the bad guy. It was awful not being believed and thinking that you were actually going crazy. As far a dad is concerned to the lady who spoke of him falling and opening his arm, how terrible. I suppose I would have to look at the nursing home, but he can fall there too, my dad broke his hip at the nursing home on water that someone dropped on the floor.

For my dad in Illinois (NW of Chicago) it is cheaper to have him in a facility that offers independent and dependent living with a caregiver than have him in a nursing home and he has his own person to see to his needs. Depending on where you live, bringing someone in may be cheaper and less confusing especially with two people. My FIL is in a nursing home by us and doesn't in the least get the kind of care that my dad has. Yes, my dad was falling too and having a caregiver to watch my dad gives me a huge break. My dad calls him his best friend and he helps w showers, toileting etc. He really loves my dad. I am lucky.

Hi Rosebud - My husband displays the same behaviors when we are with others. It is a coping mechanism that we all use, competent or incompetent. At least you get to see another side of her when you are out and part of being a caregiver is we take crap from those in which we give care. Be strong and don't take anything personally. Don't we all act differently when we are in the company of our families? We then put on an "outside" persona for others. So, keep taking her to church so you can see the other side of her and enjoy!

I have noted before that my grandmother did this. To her she was just "putting her best face forward". My uncles didn't believe my mom, but when my dad had a heart attack and mom asked them to take grandma for a couple weeks, they put her in a nursing home right away. They said " she gets up and roams at night and scares my family". Mom said join the club. My grandma stopped eating and went downhill fast. Mom had to go get her and bring her home and take care of both of them. There are many of us who know exactly what you mean. I went to moms and cared for grandma for her first week home. Had to beg, bribe, shame, whatever it took to get her to eat and drink. She thought she wasn't "home" and still wanted to give up. She lived several more years but the last several in a boarding home, family care where she thought it was her own family. What a blessing for my mother!

Mom is a showtimer for sure. The frustrating part for me is that my siblings that spend very little time with her, or are in denial, act like I'm exaggerating (or whining). Thank God 1 sees what I see, and is always there for me.
I have been accused of "bullying" "controlling" and having " power plays" with Mom.To them she seems absolutley fine. On a clearer than normal day I discussed it with her and she even admitted to doing it. When I asked her why she "let's it all hang out" with me.....she said....."Because I trust you." That warmed my heart and made it all worth it.

Oh yes show-timing does happen! I have never referred to it as that but it works! We would constantly tell her doctors she has dementia but she would walk in all perky and ready for a sweet little conversation so she looked like she was the sane person and we were the idiots! Try to get POA or conservatorship when they do this no doctor wants to sign anything and especially if they seem normal. One doctor told us she was fine and had no problems, we left his office and went home and Mom didn't remember ever leaving the house or seeing a doctor, but no she was fine as far as he was concerned!

I think it is true that they have not progressed far enough into the illness and when they do they will not be able to keep up the charade any longer. If a doctor would stay in the room with you for more than 5 minutes they would realize there is a problem when they begin repeating themselves.

I do have to say this behavior does present a problem where my sister is concerned because she believes Mom has more control over her actions than she actually does. Mom is sick but my sister believes she is putting on and she will cause arguments to start because of her beliefs. I try to tell her that Mom really cannot help it, she is sick, but my sister isn't buying it.

what's the date? what's the year? who's the president? Maybe they should ask DIFFERENT questions? Duh. My 4 year old GD could memorize these.

Our mama used to put on a front when in social settings. For a while I believed she was just grabbing attention and making others believe I was lying on her. It took my siblings only 3 or 4 times with mama to see how wrong they were. Since then, my siblings are no longer in denial about mama and the public only have to say a few words to her to know that something is wrong. I hate that I cant help her be better. Some things she knows for instance she knows bathtime and knows she doesn't want to bathe. She still raises a rucus about that. Thankfully, we have not had any medical problems. ie broken bones, bed wetting, trouble walking or dressing herself (I must lay out her clothes) her appetite is very good, she can see without glasses,can answer the phone, etc. Her memory just "aint" what it used to be. Mama is still on this side of the ground and for that I am truly truly grateful. She can drive me crazy each day but Im glad of that also. In time your mother will not be capable of "fooling" the public. So roll with the punches when she loose the ability to front, she may just sit and stare. Our parents do frustrate us we need some outlet also. I don't work anymore so I visit the library a lot and church activities work wonders on my mental health. I joined facebook and play the puzzle games. Be encouraged.

Exaggerated behavior is all part of dementia. It comes in stages. I have experienced it in stages with my mother who just turned 86 in May. It appears that somehow she attempts to cling to some control by demanding her way with scenes of temper tantrums or sitcoms of drama good enough for daytime TV. There are times that we have wondered where she comes up with some of the stories that she tells the doctors about how she is treated. She is given her breakfast in bed because she refuses to get up. She gets her lunch brought to her on a tray beside her lounge chair while she watches her TV shows and again at night while she watches Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy. When asked about her week by anyone that might visit she will say that she went to church and she will repeat herself and say so and so met me at the car, and He just loves me, over and over again.. these are the things she thrives on. Yet if one of her family members tries to help her out of the car she will smack their hands away and say "I can do it".. You will find that they will pick one child out of several that they have that they will "prefer" over all of them to "help" them will the daily tasks of living. Some of you might feel insulted and shunned. Don't be, it's a difficult and wearing journey that this child is placed on by this parent. God Bless them!

Okay, here is an example of crazy making for me which only confirms my mother's sneakiness and manipulation. Her cherished ring - she will take it off to wash her hands a million times, she will put it on the toilet tank, I will tell her this is not a good idea, she will never do it again, always the same thing. I am constantly looking for her ring for her and it can be frustrating, she makes such a fuss, crying and wailing. She always loses her ring when I try and find some time for myself. I will spend hours looking for it. She went into bed and took her ring and wrapped it in paper towels and stuffed them up her sleeve (this I find out later). She started crying that she could not find her ring, I started the search as usual, she smiled at me and said, ah forget it, well find it in the morning. What, this is the lady who will call out the National Guard until she finds the ring. I thought, hmm, this is odd for her. She said, well maybe you should look for a bit more. I thought to myself how odd this was for her and then I went and looked up her sleeves and there was the ring, she played that she had no idea it was there. OMG. It is a nightmare trying to figure out when she is playing and when she is not.

It goes with this horrible disease. I had some terrible times with my mom, but there were some moments that she would be clear and we were friends. We would talk about friends and family from the past, go out for dinner, take a walk. The same night I would have to call police for help with her. She cussed me, threw things at me, attacked me with her walker and stood on the front porch screaming that I was killing her so call the police.
HANG ON TO THOSE RARE, CLEAR MOMENTS. Remember she is your mom and she does not want to have this disease any more than you want her to. When she seems lucid, live in that moment with her.
In the end, she died in her sleep at home. The stress and pain were gone from her face and she was the beautiful young mom I knew as a child.
Hang on to the good moments.