Mom passed away July 14, 2020...

You will come to be glad that your mother is no longer suffering and take comfort in knowing that you did a better job than your siblings ever would have done based upon the way you describe them but you seem a little judgmental about their lifestyle and little off-putting in the way you acted out your disapproval by keeping your children away from your siblings or so it sounds. If you really expected a love letter from your mother expressing her affection and undying appreciation for the kind of daughter you think you have been, you aren't being very realistic. Your mother and father lived in the same home with you and almost no one writes goodbye letters like the one you seemed to be hoping for. No one ever knows how or when they are going to die and that's how God intended. Its far better to get up every day expecting to live forever and don't write any goodbye letters to anyone. And practically no one really ever knows their parents and thank goodness for it! There is nothing good or positive about parents or children knowing everything about each other. Adults need to leave separate, independent lives. You don't need to know everything your parents valued or all the mistakes they made. There's no value in knowing all their intimate thoughts. They are your parents, not your friends. If your mother's list of activities didn't include fun activities she had with you, perhaps she was simply more like your siblings and enjoyed the kind of partying that you find distasteful. That doesn't mean you were not close; it means that you were in intimate contact on a daily basis and your mother took her relationship with you for granted in much the same way she probably took your father for granted. Your mother relied on you and knew that you would be the one who would take care of her until the end and then settle all of her affairs. You were her ace in the hole. You will know this and learn to enjoy the quiet and feel the peace you expected when you come to terms with the reality that its all over for both of your parents and you have entered a new phase of your life whether you like it or not. I hope you will embrace it eventually, knowing that you did what was right and proper, and, more importantly, what YOU decided you wanted to do...take care of both of your parents in your own home. Make peace with your siblings whether they came to visit her or not. Their inheritance is about much more than who cared for your parents in their last years. Giving each child a share of an inheritance based upon what a parent thinks each one has done for them is a recipe for sibling disaster after they die. I know of one situation in which that happened and it caused a total estrangement between a female and a male sibling that lasted the rest of both of their lives. I see so many posts on this website about the final caregiver being bitter about having to share an inheritance with non-caregiving siblings that may or may not have been pulling their weight in their last years. The truth is that it is almost always only one child who elects to be the caregiver or allows the job to be forced upon them by their other siblings. But its still a choice that the one who ends up being the caregiver chooses to make. I hope you will let your resentment of your siblings go eventually so you can move on to the next phase of your life with forgiveness and joy.

My mom passed on June 15th of vascular dementia at 96. My brother and I cared for her in her home for 11 years. I share your grief although not the same situation. I know we did a good job but I’m still struggling with feelings of what more could I have done. I too thought I’d be relieved when it was all over. I sometimes wished it would be over so I could enjoy my life but now I feel guilty for those thoughts. One grieves with every decline. I ache for the mother who reared me but I can’t get past her dying days. I know grief is a process but it hurts so bad. Condolences to you. Be good to yourself. You’ve done well.

I thought I would update how things are going. I’m so very grateful to be wrapped in the warm and encouraging words from each and everyone of you. Whether they have been comforting, or instructive ... your comments have been a source of strength to me. I truly feel surrounded by each and every comment as a blanket of care and wisdom. I wish I could embrace you all with a thank you hug.
I have accomplished a lot in these past few days. My daughter and I will leave next week for family gathering to put mom to final rest. Thank you my dear friends.

Patticake, so sorry for your loss. Everything you are feeling sounds familiar. I think caregiving, even when it's appreciated can be a very thankless job. If someone goes into it thinking that they will get some kind of grand feeling of gratification from it they will be sadly disappointed.

I think from what you stated you did it from the goodness of your heart and those who don't and did not help will never understand cause if they did they would have been right there with you helping.

I felt like I lost my mom before I actually lost my mom so I totally relate to your comments. I never said good bye either. I'm happy I said all there was to say throughout her life cause her last two years she was just disappearing before my eyes and mom just wasn't there anymore.

I understand your bitterness towards your family as well. I experienced that as well. It's been five years since mom passed and I don't even have a family anymore. At least thats how it feels.

The tiredness that you feel is understandable and you need to give yourself time now to heal. Be gentle with yourself.

I can't image what you are going through, I am so sorry

Give it time. You’re got a great transition to go through. Peace to you

it always seems to fall on one person to handle stuff.  I guess there is always something our parents don't tell us that we find out later.  when going thru our parents house looking for stuff when dad went into nursing homes, mom didn't even know about some things. Some people know how to make notes, plan things while others just "go with the flow" and whatever happens........well let someone else worry about it, and unfortunately you got the job of handling it.  When our dad passed, I was too concerned in helping mom get to funeral home, etc, that I don't know if I have grieved and no one (except one person,) has asked how I was doing, it was always how is your mom doing?  You will have to cry when you need to but if the rest of your family is only interested in the money, well that is their loss.  maybe one or two grief counseling sessions might help. just enough.....I think about it also for myself but I haven't done it yet either.  wishing you good luck.

Thank you Patti for being so honest & raw.
I appreciate it more than you know and more than I can express. I needed to hear someone confirm that I am not a bad person, that it's okay to be angry and okay to feel lost, resentful and unfulfilled. To feel "cheated" is something that happens too. Also, even though I have my husband doing the care with me I feel lonely in an odd way.
I feel all of your same feelings and my MIL is still here. A lot of my anxiety comes from her passing and what that world will look like. In the meantime my every breath and move is for her.
Please keep sharing with this community or to me. I am here for you. Your experience can and already has helped others.
You are grieving and need to allow yourself to go through whatever emotions you feel and take time to do just that.
I am grateful for you post.

Hang in there and take care,

Kim

You are mourning, not just the passing of your mother from life but of unfulfilled expectations. It appears you did not have unfulfilled expectations with your dad - I am so happy to read that. With your mom's case, you feel neglected, forgotten, uncared for, unappreciated.... Your siblings and mother appear to have different values which you may consider to be a very positive thing. Please connect with people who are supportive of you. Please consider joining a GriefShare group to process your thoughts and emotions about your mom's passing.

My heart breaks alongside you. I am cleaning out my parents home. Tossing garbage, fixing things, organizing so the cannibals can come and grab. They will take all the mementos as their tires screech out of the driveway. They didn’t call - they didn’t visit - they didn’t care. They want the stuff, the money. They write falsehoods on Facebook about their heritage, their dedication and their devotion. It’s all a bunch of lies. I’d like to call them out.

Like you, i was there. For sickness, surgery, cancer, recovery, Falls. Dad’s death. More falls. Hospice. Recovery. Hemorrhage. More sickness. Mom’s death.

It feels so empty that there is now only a bunch of stuff. No mom. No dad. I want to smell their smells. I want to match their socks. I want to replace the light bulbs and oil the squeaky door. I want them to come home.

You are not alone.

My heart goes out to you, dear lady! Grieving time is always so hard. Please allow your self time to rest and recuperate. You have been giving and giving and giving for a very long time and it will take time for you to come back from that. Be kind to yourself, you are worth it. My prayers are with you along with lots of virtual hugs!

I am so sorry for the loss of your mother. My mother’s birthday is today and she turned 96 years old. She has dementia and is in a nursing home facility. I know that one day I will be going through that. Please know that you are heard and you are not alone. May God continue to provide you with strength and fill you with His peace.

Hi, Patticake2,
You are writing this message to me. Thank you. I now know that I am not alone. You share so many of my own feelings. Thanks for sharing.
Although I didn't have them in my home, I cared for my MIL and her sister when it was their time. I am now sharing the care of my mother. I know the emptiness and void you feel. It is the precursor of peace, it is the absence of listening for signs of distress, the absence of looking for a new crisis. What is left is the solitary sifting of the remains of a life. Relax. When all is said and done it is all just stuff. Do your best and don't rush it. There is always another tomorrow.
I also share your disappointment that your mom favored others. It can hurt, but I have made my peace with it. Mom is still hanging in there, but I have known all my life that neither I nor my younger sister will ever mean as much to Mom as our older sisters. A friend gave me a clue how to handle that years ago. She told me that mothers are human and that they simply like some people better than others. It happens. It may not be personal. I really did try to be the kind of person my mother would like, but it never took. Once I quit trying to make her love me like my sisters and accepted what she had for me, it was a lot easier.
Part of what you are mourning for is a connection you never had. I gave up on trying to create that connection decades ago and mourned that loss then, knowing that Mom really had done her best to love me. She just likes my older sisters better. They were her kind of people, they understood each other. I was always on the outside looking in, or totally distracted doing things that none of them would think of doing.
You are dealing with both the loss of your mother and the loss of that closer connection that you never quite had. Take your time to grieve, you deserve it.
Then turn to your partner and take pleasure and solace in the one who really knows you as the special person your are. You will always miss your Mom, but you can get a new appreciation of your life with your husband to help smooth over the rough spots. It will take a while, but your present relationship can take the place of a lot of the longings of the past.
I wish you the best as you come to terms with your mother's absence. Remember the good times as you can and try not to dwell on the times when you weren't as close as you would like to have been. You have done what you could and deserve your rest. Enjoy your husband and take lots of time to take it easy and have fun with him.

Patticake: Firstly, let me extend sincere condolences on the loss of your mother. I see from your profile that your mother suffered from Alzheimer's. That is a horrible disease, robbing your loved one of so much. This forum is truly a blessing to active and inactive caregivers as there are many wonderful, longtime posters (I am not talking about myself). I send many prayers to you.
My own late mother, born on Halloween wore costume to each trick or treat event till her death at age 94. I am the serious one, never to be seen in a clown costume.

My condolences on the loss of your mom. May God give you comfort and peace.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I am a little bit down the road, and can relate. For what it is worth, the fatigue is normal. You will recover your energy, but it won't come quickly. My active caregiving ended in November 2019 when my mother with Alzheimer's went to assisted living, and my father passed away in March. I am still struggling with fatigue, but getting better day by day. The most helpful thing to me was The Blessing for the Exhausted: https://onbeing.org/blog/john-odonohue-for-one-who-is-exhausted-a-blessing/
Be excessively gentle with yourself!

I have often given thought to this...how many times I am at the end of my rope, and as I tie the proverbial knot in it and hang on I am still cursing the demands made of me, and my father being ignorant to all the exhaustion, labor, mental energy etc. And yet...when they are gone, I wonder if I will suddenly lose the motivation for clipping recipes, for making a meal.
I realized I am in a lose/lose sort of gain. All we can do is hang on and do the best we can, take it literally one day at a time. Remember the serenity prayer, be nice to ourselves, lower the bar we raise to meet.
Your finding that list reminds me of the latest twist...just a short time ago I was downstairs and on seeing me the words out of my mother were "Get Lost." It's like the sad and tired joke of people saying similar commands to their dogs and in the cartoon the dog says to another "my name is no no, what's yours?"
The 8x10 picture of my absent out of state picture, and another bigger framed one are on my mother's nightstand of late., moved from the end table in the living room. The 3x4" of myself also gone and found in her dresser drawer along with soiled underwear. Don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Don't know if I will miss my mother or not. Even when she was not dealing with dementia she was a controlling and unpleasant human who caused pain in my life, who was not supportive and the ideal person we all long for. I don't have any answers...but I've reached a point in life to realize none of us are alone in these thoughts and feelings...they aren't unusual and someone else has gone through the same thing. Don't forget to take your cut for the executor's fee...you deserve it...

I think somebody has to be The Bad Guy in all this. One of the children, or the only child if there isn't more than one, has to accept the role of being the Bad Guy. The one who's 'No Fun' but barks out the orders to make sure everything is done properly while everyone else sits around with their thumbs up their butts.

I'm the Party Pooper to my mother who's always been The Life of the Party. The Fun One to my Serious One. Why? Because she stole the limelight and left me standing in the shadows, which is fine. I'm the one who was 'shy' and poked fun at, while she was the loud and boisterous one who kept everyone laughing.

Nowadays, in old age with her being 93.5 and me being 63, nothing's changed. I'm still The Bad Guy to her fun loving, super outgoing but phony as hell personality that everyone loves because they don't get to see the REAL her behind the mask.

I've missed having a mom my whole life. I've always had a mother, but never a mom. And now, dementia has taken even the sliver of a mother away, too, leaving nothing but an angry, bitter, finger-pointing and complaining shell of a human being in her place.

There is no winning this game, I'm afraid. There is no 'feeling good' for people like us; no real relief or finality once the death certificate is signed. Oh, I'm sure the feeling DOES pass, and time heals mostly everything. But there will always be some residual bitterness, resentment, call it what you will, left over once the dust settles.

I am sorry you are going through all of this, I really am. Sending you a big virtual hug and a prayer that you find peace going through this leg of the long journey, my friend. One day at a time, right?

So sorry for your loss. I hope you find peace. Keep coming back to this site. It helps so much. I am truly sorry you are feeling this way. Big hugs to you. You did the best that you could.

My mom and dad passed away in our home within nine days of each other almost six years ago. I had cared for them for the last years of their lives. There were so many things I had not expected as I mourned their passing. For one thing, they had become like children to me, not parents, as their total dependence and need for care had changed our relationship. I didn't realize that and found myself mourning them more as children I had lost instead of parents. I went over situations and events in my mind wondering if I had done enough or if I had done the right thing. While others had wonderful memories of Mom and Dad and Grandma and Grandpa, I remembered the long nights with dementia, the bouts of diarrhea, and the constant balance between encouraging and setting limits.

It was probably almost two years after their passing that memories of them as parents began to return. Some really joyful memories and some painful, but those memories gave me the freedom to be their child again and to realize that I had given it my all when I cared for them. Their response or lack thereof was not the issue anymore.

I would imagine you are exhausted right now. I know I was, far beyond what I realized. It took me a while after their deaths to allow myself to just rest. I felt I had put my own life on hold for a season. I too was the only sibling that accepted the responsibility to care for them. Yet as challenging as it was at the time, I will always be thankful that we had that precious time together. After a while memories change and the good ones seem to be the ones that last. All the "what ifs" and "whys" seem to fade away and you can be blessed that you were the one who stepped up when she needed you.

Thank you for being there for her, for giving up some of what you wanted so that she would be blessed in her final days here on earth.

I am sorry for your mother's loss. May God find you comfort.

Please know you are not along. Your story is mine. It has been 14 years since my mother died, right now I feel numb. I was there for her every step of the way and to the end. I do not know why but for some strange reason my brother thinks he was. It still hurts knowing how little I was appreciated.

My advice to you is make yourself happy now. It is all about you.

I truly am sorry for the loss & grief over things-deep relationship you never had. It’s an interesting dynamic of mourning, isn’t it? I pray you will feel the goodness and grace of God in your life and find peace eventually.

Patticake, I am so sorry for your loss. And you are right: Your bitterness will pass. Someday, you'll find it missing and won't quite know how it happened. All in good time.

I believe that coming to terms with the things you spoke of doesn't happen just because we want it to. It's an unconscious process. Cut yourself some slack. Remind yourself often of a job well done. Rediscover the things that bring you fulfillment and pleasure. Surround yourself with positive, affirming people. Find peace in big and little ways. Don't depend on others for that peace. Find it in yourself. It's there.... patiently waiting for you. (((Hugs)))

The only thing I can suggest is to change your own behavior:

" I feel bitter at family instead of being able to mourn my mom with them."

The "bitter" is only going to affect you, not them. I was angry with my brothers and their lack of help and understanding, plus some outright negative behavior. I started an email to each one, addressing the issues specific to them. I would often walk away, leaving it as a draft, and come back later to add to it, but eventually just stopped. I realized that sending it would NOT change anything with them, and more than likely would just escalate the negative from them. In a way, it was like a catharsis - I was able to "express" my thoughts and feelings, but avoid the repercussions.

If possible, write all the bitterness into a message (email, document, on paper) and then put it away. When those thoughts and/or feelings of bitterness well up, force yourself to remember the good times you had with mom and dad. It is all too easy to dwell on the negatives (more people complain than give thanks!) and it doesn't help you at all!

Grieve for what was lost. Forget what was or wasn't. As someone else said, although mom's notes kind of implied the others were more "fun", she clearly trusted you to be the one to rely on! I used to get annoyed when mom would go on about how my OB called "EVERY Sunday" (her emphasis, not mine!), but once dementia kicked in and she was moved to MC, his last trip here to "help" with the condo disposal, he visited her once and REFUSED to go back saying he "didn't know what to do with her." Not going to get into what both brothers did or didn't do... clearly in my opinion not enough, and it's like she doesn't even exist to them now!

You were the one there for mom. Rest assured on some level she and your dad were aware of that, even if it wasn't expressed. Miss your mom and dad, focus on and remember the good times and let all the rest fade away!

I’m in the same situation. Had been the main caregiver for my mother for about five years. Only have one sister. I’ve handled all of her and my dad’s finances for about 12 years. Up until March 29 when my mother passed away, we had 24/7 care which included Hospice and other caregivers. My sister’s help was only minimal which was her coming one day a week for a few hours. Last June she decided she was not going to come anymore on that one day because she said for the last 3 years it wasted her day that she could be spending with her son.
My life has revolved around both of my parents all of these years. My mother took care of her mother, then her sister. She was always the type of person that would help people or babysit her nieces and nephews. I’ve learned from my mother and I’m the same type of person that she was.
My mother was 91. My father is 96 and now I am back-and-forth to help him as he is all alone in their home. I do all of the worrying, shopping, setting up meds and giving meds, and they’re 2 to 3 times a day. All but two caregivers have abandoned me. I have cameras installed so that I can check on him to make sure he doesn’t fall or whatever. My sister only lives 35 to 40 minutes away. How she puts her head on her pillow at night, I will never know. My life for the last 12 or so years has been constantly thinking about my parents. I work it around my life even though it is hard and I’m exhausted. I’ve gradually been organizing things that were my mother’s and I have lots more to do and feel like I will never get it done. Then, I know my dad won’t live forever so I will be dealing with that. I just pray every day that God gives me strength. Prayers for you.

I foresee me in the future being you. Your story is so similar to mine. From not being the “party partner” to not subjecting your children to that environment to taking care of your Mom. when others do not. What I have done to “accept” is to realize I cannot change anyone or past circumstances. Strive to wake up everyday and do whatever YOU can do. Everyone deals with situations differently. Stop, take a breath and give yourself time. The peace you are seeking will come, it is available so grab It, hold on to it and enJOY it!!!

I feel you! I lost my mom on 7/1/20 also from dementia. Mom was on bed bound just three and half weeks???!!!!!!

Mom had dementia for eight years and I thought I was going to have mom for at least a couple of more years.
God was good to my mother and me ( in a way)

I still can’t believe she’s gone.
I took care of mom all those years at our home. It was devastating seeing mom take her Last breath.
All I can say they’re resting and all we have left is the memories.
Sorry about your loss.

sincerely,
Wendy

My mother passed in February, 2019, at age 106 and 8 months. I was sole heir, the house had been sold 18 months prior and most things given away except for her clothing and personal items. Still, I felt as though I had fallen off a cliff and was dangling in mid-air. After rediscovering the time in my life that I had spent with her each week of 2 days and a 1+ hour drive each way to the care home, memories slowly began to come back and most were not good. While sitting at her hospice bedside for 3 weeks I had made a point of talking about all the good memories. Mom was not aware but the nurses said she could hear me.

Then, once she passed and I began to live more, so many memories came back of both her and my dad of things that had not gone well, things I didn't understand, moods and why did they do that. Slowly, very slowly, those things, those bad memories are ebbing as I have given them enough time and work to get back into the frame of mind and time when they occurred.

Time. It takes time. It sounds as though you have a lot to do, and that the people who could be helping are only sitting and waiting for money. Let them wait. Take care of yourself. Get rest. Go for long walks. Write in a journal when you are upset or angry. Get some couselling or join a grief support group in your area. Box things and mail them. It is an act of letting go.

Again. Time. It takes time.

You are processing and your feelings are are part of that. There are “holes” that will be filled as time progresses. Your time was spent caregiving, now, you have those spots of time (the holes), to fill with your new life activities without mom.
Grief support groups are good, you may want to find one.