Mom passed away 2 days ago. This hole is so huge, I don’t know how to move forward. Any advice?

I lost my mom on May 27 and the only way through grief is to feel it. Some of the things that make me cry are going through her clothes to donate, and going to the grocery store where I would normally be buying her special things like blueberries, raspberries and cranberry juice. You may be helped by a bereavement group in your area. Even though I cared for her throughout the pandemic I think of things I could have done better, as I still had my attention divided by work and my brother who had a stroke. My heart goes out to you. I think we will always miss our moms but it will get easier over time.

The hole will unfortunately still remain, but somehow with time, we learn to live in our new normal. But at the same time being able to keep our loved ones alive with talking about the good memories, and just knowing they are with us in our hearts. My first born died when she was 4 from leukemia, and now both of my parents have passed. My dad is the most recent loss, back in March, and ironically, he ended up dying on the day which would have been my first born's 30th birthday. Somehow, I find comfort in that, with believing they are all together now, and watching over us.
Yesterday was my first birthday without either of my parents, and I know it will be weighing on my mind next Sunday, when it is Father's Day. But, I keep reminding myself to focus on the family who is still on Earth with us, because there will be a day when we will just be a memory to some of our loved ones. The best thing we can do is continue to make good memories with the ones we love and try to appreciate every moment we have.

Wishing you the best, and wishing you much comfort during this time of sorrow. My brother and I finally decided on a companion grave marker design for our parents, just yesterday. It was just a hard thing to have to face and think about, but it is one of those steps to be taken in order to start the healing process. It did allow us to talk about them with fondness, when trying to decide which design would suit them and their personalitues best. Which in turn, ended up with ustalking about some good memories, and smile when thinking of them.

I’m so sorry for your loss. I recently lost my mom too. I live in my own home but was close to her. I have learned that the hole will always be there so I make a point to take care of me while adjusting to my new ‘normal’. I have memories that make me smile. When a bird chirps or I see beauty in nature it tells me she is near. I’m have many moments when I’m sad but I know my mom would want me living my best life. I have her to continue because of her guidance and love for so many years. It lives on within us. Be good to yourself and rely on the memories and love.

It’s only been 2 days. Let yourself grieve. It will get better in time.

I hear you and "get" it. My mom is gone 1 1/2 years and I still miss her incredibly much. She was a saint, everyone loved her for her wit, her charm, her giving and kind soul. I look at her death like this: She was the best role model I could ever have. Her life and all she gave to me and everyone else is her legacy. I carry that legacy in my heart and soul every day.
We lose the ones we love, we mourn for those moments we weren't our best when they were here, but we are all flawed human beings and this is the cycle of life. Your Mom is with you, watching you live the lessons she taught - honor her by being the same role model she was to you. She really does live on in you. I wish you solace and peace, and a big virtual hug.

My Dear,

It's only been a matter of days. It's the sting of it. You are raw at the beginning. Plus you probably have been so busy in fast-forward survival mode that now everything has come to a halt.

From your user name: Asian Daughter, I assume you are Asian. There's seems to be this stereotype of the reverence that Asians have towards the elderly that is so admirable and needed. My neighbors who are in the medical profession all tell me that the Asians and Latinos don't put their elderly loved ones in a home.

That's not to say that oftentimes skilled care is necessary and sometimes a difficult decision needs to be made.

My point is I don't know you personally but I admire you.

When my dad passed, I couldn't eat at the kitchen table, so I made a place in the parlor in front of the window until I could return to the dining room table.

Also, if it's get quiet, turn on your radio or find music on your laptop. Get up, put on your sneakers and head out the door.

They say don't make any major decisions for at least one year until the dust settles--4 seasons.

Next: Have something to look forward to. A trip, a language, instrument, etc.
You probably are exhausted right now. Most Asians I know are only children and their parents are only children which means a smaller extended family. But aren't there other Asians in the same position as you. Call them up and invite them over to eat. You do not have to be alone in all of this. You find friends and neighbors that are different ages than you. A lot of widows eat alone and don't like it.

Once a month I invite (2) widows over for Sunday coffee 'an. I have yet to have any of them refuse me. You could have tea and a dessert. It's doesn't have to be anything fancy. Just conversation and...

I will pray for you. I thought my life was sadness when my dad passed and I thought I was going to feel lousy each morning when my feet hit the floor. When the family home was sold I can remember going for a walk in my new place and thinking, "my joy came back, it has returned, I couldn't believe it". I literally had the skip in my step return. It took time but life had some new meaning. Amen...

I agree with others, it takes a while for a new normal. We all have a journey. Be extra nice to yourself. Your mother will always be with you.

Grief is so hard for everyone. It will take time just keep your head up. Do you have a Hobbie? if not find something to focus on that could help. I love working in the yard so helps with my grief. I know your pain and I know you will be ok

You were blessed with a loving mom who has given you experiences and memories that fill your heart and mind; these will always be part of you.

Grieving is a journey that has its own life. Listen to your gut to see what you need each day - it will change over time. I think of it like surfing parallel to the shore - riding the waves but without destination.

You will probably feel a lot of fatigue and disorientation as you move into each new day, but that will start changing at some point.

Try doing little things that are easy and pleasurable so as to calm and heal.

I’m so terribly sorry for your loss.

A caretaker feels the loss most profoundly over the days, weeks, months and years your pain will numb and you will be able to enjoy life more again.

Don’t pressure yourself to mourn according to anyone else’s schedule or recommendations. Give yourself the grace to mourn according to your own needs. Know that sometimes you may feel like breaking down in public and even a “how are you” from a courteous cashier can be a trigger. If that happens, it doesn’t mean you need to be medicated. You are healing. They call family members “survivors” because that is what you are doing for a now.

Be gentle on yourself. Spend time alone when your pain is the most grievous, but emerge into the world when you can.

Do something nice for yourself every day, but sure whatever nice things you do aren’t self-destructive. (Don’t overeat or overspend because this will compound your sadness).

I have found great comfort in volunteering for a charity that furthered my mother’s work and interests. (I look at this as a win-win-win, it helps me honor my loved one, helps me work through my grief and helps someone else at the same time.)

I'm so sorry that you lost your Mom. Grief feels so overwhelming at first. Just take one moment at a time and walk slowly through all the emotions that come in waves. If there is a GriefShare program near you, I found that helpful. It gives you tools to process your grief. You can find the closest one near you by going to griefshare.org. I'm praying that God will guide you through this heartbreaking process and bring you beautiful moments of comfort.

I'm sorry for what you're going through. Give yourself some time; things are still pretty raw right now. My mom passed away almost 10 years ago, and I can tell you that I take solace in the fact that she had a good life, and I, like you, got along great with my mom. (Some mothers and daughters don't share have connectiontion, so isn't it nice that we did.) Just take it 1 day at a time. I tried to resume as much of a "normal" routine as possibe, so the busier I was , the less I felt the sadness.

I am so sorry for you. And I don't know how to help you, yet. My mom is in Hospice House since Friday night. It's hard waiting for her to die for me and I'm sure for her. I just want her to be comfortable. So for now I am waiting for her to die and feel conflicted about that and trying to keep busy. And once it happens, I'm sure I'll feel just like you. But I think if we can only focus on the good times we had and let go of the bad things or things not done, that that would help.

I did lose my husband when we were in our 40's and the grief was horrible. It was hard enough to sleep and get up the next day. Things that helped, worrying about my children's grief, listening to strong and / or sad songs that made me cry.... but only when I was by myself. I had to take it moment by moment and day by day. Everything I saw, I took as a sign that it was from my husband.... a leaf that fluttered down right in front of me, a "chameleon" lizard (here in Florida) that got close to me on the bench outside and did that throat blowing out the orange thing as my husband trying to communicate with me. And I tried to busy myself, always busy myself with things that needed my attention so that my mind would not wander as much.

My Mother passed on 6 months ago, and my Mother-in-law passed on 4 days ago, just 6 days after her birthday.
We have found that attending a Griefshare group was very helpful to my wife and I. Hopefully you can find one close to you. Seeing that we were not alone in our grief, and that others have experienced or are experiencing the same things was tremendous support.
https://www.griefshare.org/

I was helped a lot by going to GriefShare and would recommend it. I also had private counseling after I lost my husband which helped too. I suffered the loss of my mom and husband close together so it was a real blow. I had never sought help like this before but it was very good to find out my feelings were normal and how to navigate them and move forward. If you google GriefShare you should be able to find one in your city. Also, hospice often offers grief counseling. It really does get better with time, but you have to let yourself grieve. Cry as much as you need to, look at pictures of your mom. Let it out. It’s a valley you can’t go around but must walk through. God bless.

Give yourself time to grieve. It's been two days. If you need to hide away in the dark and cry, do it. You can't expect to "move on" quickly after a lifetime of love. I had crying episodes for a year after my dad died. It's been 3 years and I can finally talk about him without crying.

It will get better, I promise. In the meantime, allow yourself to feel all the feels. Sending love your way.

You are not alone with this. My mom passed on Valentine's day and I could still break down in tears at any moment. Even out of the blue. My mom had dementia and was difficult toward the end but that's not what I remember. I miss her presence terribly. From other close family members passing I know it will get easier. I was given a gift from my brother or God. I had a dream that my deceased brother came to me to visit my mom. I told him that she's not doing well. When we went around the hospital curtain, there she was, up, dressed with a purse. Next thing I know, we were outside and mom was skipping along a sidewalk, singing, Dancing and picking flowers. I was so surprised!! I said to my brother. " look at her, no wheelchair, no walker...then I woke up abruptly and 3 min later the nurse called and said I better get to her. She passed right before I ran in. That dream was a message letting me know that she is having the time of her life. I remember every detail. I know my brother was waiting on her. She is doing so much better than I am and I'm thrilled for her. When I want to cry, I let myself cry. When I don't, I know she is doing so much better in spirit than she was in her physical body. Hang in there, cry when you need to but also k ow that you will see her again!!!!!!!!!!! Xoxo

I am so sorry for your loss. Know that grief is not an emotion but a physical response to an involuntary loss. I got that definition from an organization that helped me through my grief called Being Here, Human. Megan Devine wrote an excellent book called "It's Okay That You Aren't Okay." She also has a workbook to go with it. On Megan's website, you can find the documentary "Speaking Grief." It's excellent. You are not alone. There is no grief without love. In our society, we do not talk about grief, and I felt gutted by the loss of my father. I was his caregiver and I was very close to him. Grief gets metabolized or integrated over time. Walking and moving your body helps. A grief center or therapist would be very helpful at this time. Grief is also exhausting, so you may feel physically tired. Take care of yourself tenderly. When we are caregivers, "maximizing every moment" is a tall order. We did the best we could, we loved, and we cared. Your relationship with your mother sounds beautiful. Find the resources that feel best for you. All the best to you.

It is painful losing a close LO. But as time passes, you will gradually heal. This is just a temporary stop on our journey to another place. Take time to heal, but don’t try to rush it. Remember the good memories she left.

I am so so sorry for the loss of your mom and best friend.

The loss of my mom was also hard, she had dementia for more than 11 years. She was the backbone of our family of 10. She "graduated" in 2019. What has helped me and my siblings is journaling as if in conversation with her or someone else (for me, it is God; whom my mom trusted and loved with all of her heart). Even when she forgot us kids, she always remembered Her Father in Heaven. The journaling helps me and I can go back and read it when I am feeling the loss profoundly.

Here's an example:
"Good morning, Mom! I miss your sweet smiling face and our conversations over coffee....etc..." OR "Mom, I remember when....."

Just a thought from my heart to yours....
I pray that you feel God's peace and comfort as you grieve. May He bless you with the support of others who understand.

I am so sorry for your loss. It is a loss which cannot be explained. I lost my mom on Christmas Day a few years back and the pain is still here...daily. You will learn to live a new way of living without your precious mom. Nothing may be the same but you will always...always hold a special place in your heart for her.

Please take one day at a time and grieve as you deem fit. Don't let anyone tell you how to grieve or how long you should grieve. Everyone is different.

I am here if you need a shoulder to lean on or an ear to listen. I understand your loss and pain.

I am so sorry for the loss of your mom. Of course there will be a huge hole in your heart while you navigate your life without her. When my dad died I felt like a piece of my identity died with him. Our parents are that foundation that we build our lives on and grow from... I would be shocked if you weren't devastated. As with all things, the blow softens with time. Try to focus on the good things that you enjoyed with her and know that she is proud of you and grateful for the care that you gave her even when you were tired and didn't feel like it.

Give it time.
Hugs.

You are numb because you are in a form of 'shock' on many levels; it is completely normal. We can anticipate and somewhat 'prepare' for the loss but until it actually happens we cannot be 'ready.' Whether a relationship with a parent was rosy or problematic doesn't matter: our parents are sort of like 'compass points' in our lives so losing a 'compass point' is very DIS-orienting. It will take time for you to process your grief and to re-orient yourself as now having one less 'compass point' in your life. Grief has stages, yes, and in no particular 'order', and can recur; truth is, we never stop grieving a loss but eventually learn to manage and live with it as a part of a natural life. Don't judge yourself, don't fear falling down a rabbit hole, and don't make any big decisions for at least 6 months. Please lean on whatever support system you have; if there is none, find a grief support group and go faithfully. When my mom got a terminal diagnosis I felt like the ceiling fell in on me; we had a troubled relationship but she was still my mom; her actual passing was a bit of 'relief' for me (no more squabbles, no more guilt trips from her toward me) but 6 months after she died I was hit with another round of grief, for HER, in that I saw how she was trapped in her own issues that tarnished our life together. So, what I mean here: grief is Complex, loss of any kind is difficult; let yourself feel it all and know you will come through. All the best.

Sending you warm healing hugs. Perhaps journaling would help? Your words are beautiful and your heart too.

Oh I am so sorry for your loss which you express so well.! Please understand, IT IS ONLY 2 DAYS! You are clearly heartbroken. Everyone grieves differently but it definitely takes time and you need to allow yourself to feel whatever you feel. The loss of a Mom throws us back to feeling like a small child lost in the grocery store-abandoned. I would like to recommend listening to Being a Compassionate Companion by Frank Ostaseski- disc 2 On Grief. It is still available on CD on Amazon. Actually, I would recommend this to anyone on this platform. Do whatever you need- weat her clothes or hold them close so you feel her near and “smell her”. Just cuddle in a ball under a blanket and let yourself cry. It is such a shock that maybe you can’t even cry but maybe a sad movie will help. Write. Write down your feelings. Write you memories. Nobody can feel what you feel right now so write compassionately to yourself. Eat. Eat Mom foods or dairy products like ice cream (mother’s milk). If you are still immobile a year from now you may need antidepressants but don’t rush to take medication since it will just block the healthy need to grieve. Seek out friends who LISTEN or can just be with you. I am so sorry you are in such pain.

I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my mom on May 1st I lived with her and took care of her for 14 years. She died in the hospital, and she shouldn’t of have died.
I cry everyday. I protected and loved and cared for her here in the home and she died in the care of others who truly didn’t care.
I know exactly how you feel, I’m trying to accept her not being here and it is very difficult. I look at her picture and cry.
Stay strong think of all the good times and her smile as you said. In time I do hope that it will get easier.
Take Care

When we love deeply, we grieve deeply.

Please don't accept false guilt about anything that you may not have done perfectly. Doing so will only ruin your present and future.

None of us maximize every moment of being with a loved one. We are all frail human beings.

However, you've done what most people cannot or will not do - you gave your mother loving care all the way until the end. For that, she was blessed and you will be blessed.

Sending heartfelt sympathies in the loss of your mother.

Dear Asian Daughter,
I understand your grief and sense of being un-moored. My 91 year old husband died in Sept. 2021 after over 5 years of ill health and Alzheimer's. I am 90 and was his 24/7 caretaker with some help from our son. Even tho' I knew he was deteriorating and that I would eventually lose him, the end was sort of sudden, and I was not prepared for the enormous wave of grief I felt. I was grateful that I managed to care for him at home until just 4 days before he died in a wonderful hospice facility. Then, just two weeks later, our son, who had been my constant companion, helper and security blanket died suddenly in his sleep.
I was flattened with grief, and nine months later, I am still struggling while on two parallel but additive grief paths. Relief doesn't come quickly.
Those of us who have been consumed with care-giving for years, suddenly find our reason for being is yanked away. Your daily routines, so carefully built over the years based on the needs of our loved ones, are suddenly not needed.

Friends and relatives all want to help and will say unbelievable things to you, some of which are helpful and many which are actually pain-inducing. Just try to remember the spirit of love in which their comments are offered, and accept them as such.

I found it helpful to just let my grief out when needed, and the slightest thing will trigger it. Don't suppress it, and try to outrun it. We just have to go through it.
I prayed when I had to go out that I would not see someone I knew who would seek to comfort me, because my control was so fragile at first. The awful pain does subside into a sort of chronic ache in your heart, and you will eventually be able to remember you mom with love, and not so much pain.

I found it helpful to force myself out of bed, to get dressed, comb my hair, and go about some sort of daily routine even tho' it was mostly rote. The first few days after a death you are drug along with funeral preparations, etc., and tending to all the details involved. Then comes the task of settling the LO estate etc. Actually, this is sort of a blessing because it demands that you have something to focus on and to get you out of bed.

The intense grief and pain you are experiencing now will abate a little in time (not quickly) and hopefully you can move on to more acceptance. Be comforted that you had such a wonderful relationship with you mom, and that you were able to provide her such good care in her journey. Let your faith whatever it is, comfort you.

Finally, I hope you will eventually find a new focus for your life to honor our mom.
You are not alone
Blessings

Honor her by living the life she wants you to live, not one in grief and unhappiness.

My condolences to you and your family💕
Just know grief is real it grabs ahold of us even as we try to shake free but, it is a given in life and acceptance is the cure. So grieve my friend however long your mind, body and emotions need too. Just stand there in every happy, sad, joyful, heartbreaking, uplifting, even nerve wracking event… those are the memories we will “never” forget until our last breath. We must endure every moment of them because they once existed and now not so much( not in the same way now that she’s crossed over)
Your emotions will flow in ways hard to imagine and yes it’s tough ( to me this is the “ letting go” process). Does it get easier? The answer is yes! But only in time, no matter how long or short only time allows us to “make room” for the loss of your mother whom was once present.
Sending prayers for comfort❤️❤️❤️ Be well and find your peace!

This touched me so deeply. It has changed my attitude toward my mother. Instead of resenting her I will "maximize. every moment". I think I'm going to print out what you wrote.

This community is great and I see many have good suggestions.