Mom passed away 2 days ago. This hole is so huge, I don’t know how to move forward. Any advice?

Oh, AsianDaughter, I am so very very sorry. I remember almost all of your posts here about your Mom, I remember the trying times, and in my own head, Amy Tan being one of my favorite authors, I could not help picturing the Joy Luck Club, her book. I think I have never seen the Mother-Daughter/Daughter/Mother bond in a 1st generation American so beautifully and so well expressed as by Ms. Tan in that book. Because of the name you chose for your communications on AgingCare I couldn't help but link the two of you, you and your Mom with the many and varied Moms and daughters and their individual struggles and joys in that book.
I think in your last posts to us I saw a peace and an understanding in you about your Mom, about your relationship. I saw you begin to worry about HER more than about what you felt. I think you have, from what you just posted here a good understanding, which will only become more deep. I think the caregiving you did was a gift to you in knowing human love and its depth as well as how rough the waters can be.
I am thankful you had that time. I am so very sorry for your loss. I believe you should WRITE, whether for yourself or for others as well. I hope Mom's passing was peaceful and pain-free. My heart goes out to you.

Asiandaughter, I am so sorry for your loss.

Please know that the pain will heal, you have a new season in life to walk through but, your mom will be in your heart to help you.

May The Lord give you grieving mercies, strength, comfort and peace.

I am so sorry for your profound loss, AD.

My sincere condolences on her passing. A while back you very aptly described caregiving as a roller coaster ride….. and a roller coaster ride doesn’t end once the ride stops and that safety bar goes up; yeah you get off but you still have that walk down the ramp, still the feeling of pressure throughout your entire body; have the fatigue from your mind & body of fighting that pressure. It will take time and will get easier over time.

If mom was on hospice, often hospice will provide for bereavement counseling for the caregiver. If so, it might be a good thing for you to do.

I'm so sorry for your loss AD. It will take time but it will get better.

Please know that you mother is being thought of by this Caregiving Clan of Strangers. I thank you and she for the value of your posts.

If you're like most of us caregivers on here who have lost the LO that we were caring for, you will now experience relief mixed in with grief and sadness. And that is quite normal, so don't feel bad that you have relief that your mom no longer has to suffer and that you no longer have to be caring for her 24/7.
I too miss my husbands smile when I would return from being out and about, but you will discover in time that yes, life does go on. So please give yourself permission to grieve the mom you loved and that loved you, and make sure that you now are taking care of yourself.
You have gotten off the roller-coaster of caregiving and have now gotten on the roller-coaster of grieving.
May God bless you and keep you.

my deepest condolences to you.

your message made me totally have tears (and i'm out in public at the moment). i had to wipe my tears.

you're an amazing, loving daughter. huge, huge hugs to you.

Sorry for your loss. My Mom has been gone 5 years and I still grieve every so often.

My husbands cousin came over for dinner last night. His Mom passed in January. Both our mothers had Dementia. At the time we were caring for our mother's it was hard to laugh at their "antics". I know my Mom would not have liked it and I felt it was disrespectful. But last night we were able to laugh. Even about things pre-dementia. It felt good just to remember.

Oh AD, I am so sorry for your loss. You did the best you could for your mom and know she loved you and all you did for her (and she for you). I wish I could hug you. You are likely much younger than I am and life will fill your days. I can see myself in your place sooner than later. At 66, caring for a 94 year old, I know that when she passes it will simply become a waiting game for me to also pass.

Hugs to you. Now take a walk, get your hair done, have a glass of wine, call a long-lost friend. Know that you were and are loved from beyond by your mom.

My (M38) Mother passed 2 months ago. She was 71.

She was diagnosed with IPF 3yrs ago & had mobility issues that got worse in the last few years (couldnt walk very far).

I often wondered how my Dad, & my brother & I would cope when she got really bad but unfortunately we never found out because she went from being diagnosed with the illness (but being "manageably ill") for several years to life-threatening in a matter of weeks.

I say "unfortunately" but, when a decline is inevitable, perhaps its a blessing that the process happened so quickly instead of slowly. A slow torturous decline was what my Mother was most afraid of & to see her in pain for a long period would have been horrendous. Thats what many posters here are experiencing & you have my sympathy.

It does make the reality of what's happened hard to process though. Denial & bargaining are definitely stages of grief that I am experiencing.

My mom will have been gone 6 years this month . This is the first time the day(Wed) and date(June 29) will match. It is hard to believe how fast the years have seemed to pass.

There is comfort of her not being in pain anymore and reunited with loved ones who passed before she did.

I'm sorry for your loss.
I think losing someone we have cared for is especially hard because we have invested so much of ourselves for such a long time. Your wounds are still too raw to believe it but healing will come with the passage of time (it took me years).

((((((hugs))))) and deepest condolences. Grieving takes time, Adjusting to your new normal takes time. Take care of you now.

my deep, deep condolences to you.

huggggg.
i remember many of your posts.

you’re a wonderful, loving daughter.

“I take some comfort in knowing how utterly happy she was to see me everyday.”
—and look at how much joy you gave her daily!!

I’m so sorry.

I remember your posts, and I bet that you helped lots of caregivers both with your questions and the responses that you received.

May God bless you with peace.

Your father died at the age of 92 and your mother at 91. None of them died prematurely, but rather at an advanced age, Well beyond the life expectation in the U.S. Of course you miss them. Many decades enjoying each other can't be forgotten overnight. However, there was nothing you could have done to prevent their deaths. They passed naturally after their bodies could no longer sustain life. It's expected that people who reach 90 and beyond, can die at anytime even when they aren't sick. It's the age in which vital organs normally expire or are about to reach their expiration date. Feeling the vacuum is perfectly normal. You will be sad for a few months but you will eventually bounce back and accept reality. It's called normal bereavement. Be brave.

My condolences. So sorry. But, you did your best and Mom was happy. Take your time and grief as long as you have to.
Start next week, month doing nice things for yourself, it does not matter when and what, there is no timeline.
Maybe think about how she would like you to be happy.
In time, start to think or make a list of things you would like to do in life, small, silly, big or outrageous.
Maybe some grief therapy?

Your home will feel so much different now. Your mom might not be there, but I am sure her voice will be there. You'll walk into a room and hear what she would have said to you. You'll do something and hear voice in your head teaching you how to do it so many years ago. Her memory will always be with you. I think you have been a wonderful daughter and I am sure you did maximize every moment. Peace to you!

I think you DID maximize the time you spent with your mom, you just don't realize it! You looked forward to seeing her smile at you every morning, and you loved her tremendously, warts and all, caring for her inside of your home. You should treat yourself with grace and allow yourself to grieve without a timetable, not expecting to 'move forward' right now at all. It's expected to feel numb and that there is a huge hole in your life when a loved one passes; it's the price we pay for love. It matters not the age of a parents' death; we're never 'prepared' for it! Especially the loss of a mother for a daughter, it's profound.

I'd like to suggest two books for you consider reading. One is On Death And Dying, by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross M.D. who discusses the 5 stages of grief, in a compassionate and eloquent manner. She was a pioneer in her field and had much wisdom to impart on the process of grief. Or, On Grief And Grieving which is co-authored by Kubler-Ross and David Kessler.

The second book is by David Kessler who suggests there is a sixth stage of grief beyond the traditional 5 which are Denial/Isolation, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, & Acceptance: the sixth is Finding Meaning. Kessler's life was upended by the sudden death of his 21-year-old son. How does the grief expert handle such a tragic loss? He knew he had to find a way through this unexpected, devastating loss, a way that would honor his son. That, ultimately, was the sixth stage of grief - meaning. In Finding Meaning, Kessler shares the insights, collective wisdom, and powerful tools that will help those experiencing loss.

https://www.amazon.com/Death-Dying-Doctors-Nurses-Families/dp/1476775540/ref=sr_1_1?crid=19CM3QZCXCX8Z&keywords=on+death+and+dying+by+elizabeth+kubler+ross+paperback&qid=1654816154&s=books&sprefix=on+death+and%2Cstripbooks%2C104&sr=1-1

https://www.amazon.com/On-Grief-and-Grieving-audiobook/dp/B07GDSK9H6/ref=sr_1_1?crid=2PFLP50OTS6AU&keywords=on+grief+and+grieving+by+elizabeth+kubler-ross&qid=1654816448&s=books&sprefix=on+grief%2Cstripbooks%2C104&sr=1-1


https://www.amazon.com/Finding-Meaning-Sixth-Stage-Grief/dp/1501192736

My deepest condolences on the loss of your mom. God bless you and keep you during this difficult time in your life. Sending you a hug and a prayer for peace.

AsianDaughter - I am very sorry for your loss. I've read and responded to your previous posts so I know your story. You really did your best for your mother. Take comfort in the fact that you were able to care for her till the end at home.

Bereavement is a stage of grief and mourning that follows the death of a significant person. It's an emotional reaction, it's not an intellectual case which can be resolved by reading particular books. The grieving person is not in the mood for going to a library or for searching the Internet for information on the subject. What the person affected by bereavement needs, is plenty of emotional and social support from family and close friends not from strangers who only repeat what all Sympathy cards usually say. The intensity of the bereavement should start to come down spontaneously after a couple of months. It the grief doesn't improve in a few months and if it becomes resistant, counseling and even antidepressant medication might be required. Again, bereavement is a very personal emotional response to the death of an important close person, it's not caused by lack of information acquired in books.

So sorry for your loss…
You’re so lucky your mother appreciated your caring for her & that she knew who you were.

Lots of us are caring for a parent who has memory & loss of mobility & incontinence. In addition, getting hit, punched, hair pulled, mouthwash thrown in my eyes, & every curse words imaginable. The anger & rage shown to me nobody cares about, it seems. A smile? Happy to see me? No..not ever…Oh, yeah I’m doing a good job & it’s working!?!well, it’s working for you, dear brother because you can’t spend more than 15 minutes in the same room as her..& visit 1x in 6 months…too busy, too tired…every excuse. Yeah..I’d have a life too if I wasn’t busy wiping 🧻 💩 poop from mom.

So not every caregiver has an easy time or has help from siblings. Everyone I talk to assume I’m an only child. Yeah I’m the only child who takes care of our mother.

Again so ..sorry for your loss.

I feel I already lost my mother although her carcass body is still lying here trying to suck all the life out of me. The best part was the other day she told her imaginary invisible friends she likes her son but not her daughter..
Hugs 🤗

Now is the time for gratitude! Start by thanking God for picking out the perfect mom for you. Write a thank you letter to your mom. Meditate or earn how to, so that you can feel her every day of your life. Promise yourself that you will only remember her on her birthday and never celebrate her death day; after all, death has nothing to do with living. Give her things to needy people who can appreciate receiving her belongings. Get a pet and name it after your sweet mother.

Show your gratitude every day!!!! Grieving is a process, take one step at a time: 5 stages of grief. https://www.verywellmind.com/five-stages-of-grief-4175361

You will survive because of the strength your mom gave you.
You will always look back and say "I could have done more" but at that time you were doing all that you could and you can not ask more of yourself than that.
Your mom will always be with you. When you are going to buy that dress you want for a party and you wonder if you should, your mom's voice will be in the back of your head giving you her opinion.
When you walk down the street and out of the corner of your eye catch a glimpse of yourself you will, just for a moment see her.
Talk about her, share stories with friends and family. Keep her a live in your heart and mind. I Volunteer with Veterans organizations and one of the sayings I have heard over the years is .."A soldier dies twice, once on the battle field and again when their name is spoken for the last time" There are lots of quotes like this. The important thing is to keep her in your heart and mind.

One last quote, I have this by my computer, it was given to me by the facilitator of my Support Group:
Grief never ends
But it changes
It is a passage, not a place to stay.
Grief is not a sign of weakness
nor a lack of faith
It is the price of Love.

My husband also passed away last week. My emotions are all over the board. I was able to be present here at home for his final breath, but the house is so quiet. I went from busy 18 hours a day to nothing. I am relieved, sad, depressed, and totally understand your emotions. Many hours of frustration and anxiety, anger, despair also were my daily friends. We cannot regret 'maximizing' every moment because we don't know the future, but also caregiving is basically a thankless job. Yes, my husband did have moments where he was able to express thankfulness for my care, but many moments where I was basically a slave to his needs. I will miss him, but I did my best as I am sure you did as well. We can only focus on the good memories, laugh at some of the silly ones, and learn how to be ourselves once again. It will take time for all of us experiencing this emotion I am sure. Take care.

I am so sorry for your loss. With time, life for you should gradually get better. Living until one is 90 is something, as many do not make it that long. Appreciate that you had so many years with her and recognize that one’s quality of life at the end generally diminishes day by day. In the beginning, it is hard to acknowledge the loss but you will get through it. Put condolence cards/emails away for awhile if they heighten your grief too much right now. In several months/a year, reread them. (This is what I did. My brother sent audio clips to me when our grandmother passed. It apparently didn’t bother him but I couldn’t handle hearing her voice for quite a bit of time. I am ok now but when things were too raw, it was very difficult.) Take deep breaths, do healthy things that bring you any degree of comfort: be in nature, speak with a pastor or someone who gives you serenity, reflect in the happier times of life, etc. As days go by, you will be more and more accepting of your loss and one day (how long is different for all of us) you realize you are going to be ok. Hang in there. 🙏🏼

I am so sorry you have lost your Mum. It is always a terrible time - especially if you had her living with you. YOU MUST GIVE YOUR SELF TIME. For a while it will be very very hard. I had many regrets too after Mum died - things I wish I had done etc...... Wait until after the funeral is over and things will start to get a bit easier.....
I have tried to make it up to Mum by living my life the way should have wanted me to. Sending lots of love and hugs to you from Australia. xxxooo

I am so sorry for your loss. I totally understand. I lost my mother in January and I think I felt everything you are feeling. My mother was losing her mind but when she was coherent she wanted to go. She was tired of the pain she was in. I'm telling you this because I was her caregiver for the last 5 years of her life and I have guilt but I am grateful that I had that time with her as well. She was my best friend and I miss her terribly but I know she is still with me. And the most important thing is that she is no longer in pain. For that I am grateful. Try to realize she is happier where she is and that she loves you dearly and wouldn't want you to be feeling this way. I think she would want you to live your best life and be happy. Even now writing this brings a tear to my eye. I do miss her and you will miss your mother too. The best I can say is for you to get out of the house, put one foot in front of the other and allow yousrelf to grieve but don't get caught up in it. She wouldn't want it that way.

My mom left this world on Saturday, 24th of April just a few weeks before Mother’s Day and her birthday. I spend everyday of her remaining life with her, caring for her . She had multiple medical issues but her strength and determination to live kept her fighting. When she was afraid, I was there, when she would become confused, I was there, when she had a special meal in mind, I was there preparing it. My world stopped when her journey of going home began. She was my kindred spirit, my anchor. It will take time I know but from the time she left till now, I cry a little less. I find it so much easier to speak to her as if she is still in her physical form. I find it very comforting. I keep her picture at my bedside and say good morning and good night. I cry when I need to(which is quite often). It is very hard to say it will get better, when there are days I can’t seem to want to breathe without her. The beautiful mother that she was, I know she does not take kindly to me grieving so much. I apologize to her and let her know I’ll feel better. I don’t think she believes me lol. I have begun a journal and writing my feelings down helps. talking about her helps as well. I still won’t go shopping without someone. It’s was all we did. When I am ready I’ll be going to her favorite restaurant and eat her favorite meal in her honor. Until then all I, we, can do is take it one day at a time . Grieve for as long as you need too . Then pick yourself up and know that you carry your mom in your heart for always. Her physical form is no longer present but I truly believe that her soul still lives. I feel her love and warmth in my heart . My mom is my very own guardian angel. I will continue her legacy and as long as I have breath she lives in me.I read somewhere that “GRIEF is just LOVE with nowhere to go…….” So I decided to build a memorial in my yard for her. She loved all flowers, especially, tiger lilies. Find comfort, as I do, to do the things she truly enjoyed and openly share what your feeling with her. I know she is listening Whatever you do don’t rush the grieving. Reflect and remember the her . Everyone is different. There is never a right or wrong time to grieve. Sending warm hugs .