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My 85 year-old mother has been not eating and drinking much for almost a year now. Most days now, she only eats one tiny meal and about 12 to 24 oz. of beverages. She will ONLY drink soda (that's not the problem, though). I've been doing ANYTHING for this woman to keep her strength up and I've been buying her whatever she asks for, which is usually takeout. She will NOT eat home cooked meals. She will throw it in the trash. I am a good cook, so it's not that (lol). She'll have nothing to do with supplements and all of that. Dr. told me to give her anything she wants to eat at this point, just to get calories. She's not in the "danger zone" yet -- she still has to lose another 30 - 40 pounds before she gets underweight, but here's the thing: She's always asking for takeout food that is only sold in large portions, and usually they're costly. She will only eat things like pizza from her favorite local eatery (they don't sell by the slice), or bbq ribs, rotisserie chicken, Chinese, fried seafood, etc. It's getting so that she either thinks she wants them and won't eat them at all, or she'll eat just a tiny portion and the rest will entirely go to waste -- so I end up eating all the leftovers and I'm gaining a ton! Not even food I like! I tallied it up for last month, and she ordered $189 worth of takeout food. I'm gaining all the weight that she's losing. Now I KNOW that I'm completely going CRAZY. No one in their right mind orders that much takeout in a month. But that's what I've been doing, so she'll eat SOMETHING! I've been told that this is common end-of-life behavior to have no hunger or thirst. Please be kind and don't make fun of me or insult me.

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Similar situation with my stepmother a few years ago. When her dementia symptoms began, she was in total denial. She wasn't able to cook and my dad never learned how so they went to restaurants every day. She has celiac disease so they went to the same 5-6 places where they knew what she should order.
Eventually her symptoms got to the point that we weren't comfortable taking her out in public so we began bringing in takeout daily. Sometimes she refused to eat what we brought her because she wanted to go out. My dad really wanted to have some home-cooked meals so I started fixing their dinner several times each week. She became angry: yelling, cursing, and throwing stuff.
This wasn't resolved until her symptoms worsened after many months and she forgot about the issues. I did not miss the trips to Mickey D's five times a week.
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What you can consider doing is following the doctor's advice and give her what she wants but make her pay for it out of her money since it will drain the bank for you and leave your wallet empty. Use your fridge and freezer to your advantage and don't order no more until she eats everything she bought. I would seriously consider a feeding tube to at least get something in her so she doesn't starve to death. I don't know if she's really in the dying process but not every dying process is alike, each journey is uniquely different in its own way so no to journeys are necessarily exactly alike though there may be signs which can also be mistaken for something else so be careful. You don't want to make a mistake and regret it later so stay in touch with her doctor

Besides the feeding tube idea, you can also use a juicer, food processor or blender or to your advantage. You can definitely make some very good smoothies in a blender and some good homemade juices in a juicer. Get proper food storage bags and use the food processor to vacuum seal anything left over for later use
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Please face the facts - she is very elderly, her time is limited and what is happening - very little appetite - is normal. And you do NOT need to feed her restaurant food - except once in a while. Give her on her plate only a very tiny portion of the food she will eat. Very small. Tell her if she eats that completely, she can have a bit more. But do not put it on her plate if you have to toss it - that is ABSOLUTELY WRONG, SICK - TO WASTE FOOD. PLEASE DO NOT DO THIS. So, just a tiny bit at a time and stick to your guns.
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I am not kidding, Veronica - on our way to a sports day, when I was giving my good friend and her three boys a lift (we were less anxious about squashing more children into cars in those days!), we got stuck in traffic on the North Circular and, seriously, she got out of the car, went round to the boot, retrieved cartons of juice and lunch boxes and started pushing snacks on the kids - not one of whom had uttered a peep about being hungry or thirsty. I goggled at her and she got all flustered whittering about dehydration and blood sugar levels. It can't have been more than an hour after their breakfasts, for God's sake!
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Oh CM I so agree with you. The only really obese people we saw in my childhood were circus freaks. of course it was during WW11 and there was no candy or snacks and sugar was rationed. I do not remember a single child in my school years being fat, they just were't but then few people owned a TV!!! Fast Food what was that? The closest thing to fast food in our village was fresh bread from the bakery.
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Continuing yakking about childhood obesity is beginning to make me froth at the mouth. The media and politicos go on and on and on about it, blaming supermarkets and schools and health inequalities and coming up with all kinds of wizard wheezes to make children interested in healthy eating (like the poor little mites have got a prayer if their parents have no idea).

Two things. Screen time. Sugar.

Three things then - add the notion that the little dears must have unfettered access to food and flavoured drinks at all times.

Four - and that it is child abuse to expect them to walk anywhere.

But screen time and sugar are the biggies. TURN OFF THE TV!!!
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Some diabetic neighbors have been having success with: "Eat nothing that is WHITE" No white bread, no white potatoes, no white flour, no white sugar, and so on....

Today, some test results came back negative for all sorts of things. However, I am obese. Overweight. A higher risk to get the bad things that I was tested for.
But there is no plaque in my arteries. Must be all those organic vegetables we were having delivered twice a month for a year.
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Dr. Laura Schlesinger, talk show psychologist (Phd. not in psychology) repeated her diet recommendations incessantly:
Eat less, Move more.
Did she mean B.M.?
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When asking about nutrition a long time ago a rather elderly doctor told me this:

Eat nothing that comes from a packet and only use human fuelled transport and you will see the pounds drop off and be healthier for it...

I am fairly certain he didn't mean eat sweets you find on the floor and get someone else to give you a piggy back!!!! And today I guess, given the information re additives (not that you can avoid them today when even a lot of fresh food comes from gm modification!) and the significance of exercise he had it just about right!
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Churchmouse, Here, our Safeway became Vons/Vons Pavilions. Some stores were forced to sell, failed under a new owner, and voila`, we got Safeway/Vons/Albertsons merged back only a few months ago. They must have merged.
So strange, because I understood that Safeway and Albertsons were wanting to merge, but had to close some stores to prevent a monopoly! Lol. What a corporate drama played out right before our eyes-so now 3 stores have merged!
Don't blink-did you see it happening? Ha ha ha.
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Gosh, I miss Safeway. We used to have them in the UK, and they were so good for odd little bits and pieces as well as routine grocery shopping. I've still got the kitchen knife I bought in a crisis in Swansea in 1994 - junior rugby team tour, staying in a trailer park, and I'd packed in too much of a hurry. It was my great aunt's favourite, too. Taking her to the Tunbridge Wells branch and watching her trundle happily round hanging on to her cart was one of my more joyful caregiving memories.

Perhaps we'll get them back now :)
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Veronica I agree with buying some easy fast TV dinners, there are some healthy ones out there. Our Safeway has a big section of thier own that are labeled low fat, or low sodium, or high protien. Add a salad or fruit and they are pretty good! I use them for work meals or when I am trying to drop a pound or two. And they are very affordable.
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Papa and Liverlips
A lot of food addicts will get upset with me to read this. But here goes.
It's easier to get off of fast food if you clean your palate by abstaining. It takes a few days for the cravings to recede. Think of someway to stay away for a week or so and you will find out for yourself. Make a big pot of soup or beans. Add a salad. Fresh fruit and water. Tell your mom/wife you can't drive for a few days and stick with it. Expect some acting out. You'll feel yourself go into withdrawal as well. The taste for salt, sugar and bad fats is very addicting and is in everything you buy at most restaurants, not just take out places. Just try to get by one day at a time. Think of it as a cleanse. Then if you do decide to add fast food again, don't have it so often. Maybe once a week as a treat. Set a new standard for your household. You will feel better and save money. It's not to punish or deprive or extend life but to live within your means and the side benefit is you will feel better and have a higher quality of life. Add at least a multi vitamin. Dig deep. You can do it. Warn your enablers to not be bringing fast food over when they get the calls. Observe how much control the cravings have over your life. Then after about three or four days you'll notice you can think about it and it has lost power over you. Its a wonderful feeling to not be controlled by your cravings. It's hard at first but you'll be amazed how easy it is after a few days.
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- - IN-HOME CARE? Been looking into it and find one service provider cost to be around $20.00 an hour, 3 hrs per day, two days a week minimum. Is that about average in Columbia, South Carolina??
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Out of gas this week, caught at home so eating emergency foods-just cannot make it to in-n-out in this heat wave-it happens. Love it when we have fresh groceries in the home to choose from. It is a no-brainer if you have to choose between t.v. dinners with salt and drive-thru food with salt, sugar and addictive calories, choose to eat at home.
It happens now and then to everyone, even younger folks. Just survive as best you can, and don't panic. Sometimes, helping yourself turns out better than asking for help, imo.
Keep trying everyone!

Veronica, perfect breakfast!
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MaryKtahleen Love the cartoon, my sentiments exactly. By the way I just had ice cream for breakfast.
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PapaTRL, you are in a difficult situation and your solution may be to hire in home help you can't do it all and it seems neither can your wife anymore. Perhaps it is time to use some tough love and tell your wife that the drive through visits have to stop. Go to the grocery store and buy some healthy microwaveable frozen meals and fresh fruits and you may have made a start. Also look into meals on wheels which may be another option. You do the driving so you make the choices. If you can afford assisted living that would be another option. do you have any relatives or friends who would be willing to make up some frozen dishes for you? They have to be paid of course. Even someone in your church family if you have one may be willing to help.
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Understand completely!! My wife (82) and I (79) live at the drive-thru window. Thus far in July we have spent $641. and just can not do it again next month. She doesn't drive, doesn't do housework, doesn't cook, laundry, etc. Her life consists of watching TV, sleeping and telling me we are going to a drive-thru. It is not good for her Type 2 Diabetes and general health. She is 30 lbs overweight, and I am 20. She thinks I am invincible, but my caretaker days are numbered since I have Parkinson's Disease, Sciatica and Neuropathy. I can't move in the morning until the Aleve and Gabapentin kick in. I am looking into having in-home care.
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Who's the cartoonist, MaryKathleen? I'd love to look that one up :D
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MaryKathleen- I think there is a sad truth to your cartoon. My mom never smoked, rarely drank - an occasional glass of wine, ate healthy - she rode her bike and skied both xcountry and downhill well into her 70's - and dad into his early 80's, ditto. They were both hiking ten miles into the woods to look for mushrooms in their 80's as well. On the other hand my hubby's father didn't do much of anything - period. He was morbidly obese and continued to eat and drink as he pleased. My mom sits in a nursing home, dying by "slow, steady decline" in the words of her hospice nurse. Moms mind is nearly gone and she no longer enjoys anything - can't or won't even read which was her greatest passion. Hubby's dad dropped dead of a heart attach in his early seventies - he was at home. The best guess was he was either on his way out the door or just getting home from somewhere when the heart attack hit. Now - if I had to pick between the two, guess which way I'd go?
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Veronica91, I love your remark "My FIL in his late eighties while frying up egg, sausage and fried bread remarked that he knew the risks but at his age he felt it really did not matter what he died from". I wish I could post a cartoon picture I have on my cellphone. It shows an old man, winkled, skinny, glasses, and hearing aids, bent over, sitting on the table. His walker is in front of him. The doctor says, "Remember the twenty extra years you added to your life through clean, healthy living? Well, these are them."
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The brain controlls our senses. All of this is part of getting old. We can't change it. Our parents loose a lot of their independence. Others are making their decisions. So, if they want a pc of cake for breakfast, let them. Sorry, they r not going to live forever. Let them enjoy the time they have the way they want.
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My Mom always salts the crap out of everything even before she tastes it.. so I get the taste bud thing. But like liverlips says,, we can get her to eat if we take her out...
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Here's one of the mystery ingredients in restaurant food. MSG. It is a flavor enhancer. Love Chinese takeout? Love KFC Fried Chicken? Chick Fil A, Burger King, McDonald's? Then you love MSG. Years ago it was even in baby food, because babies would eat more if the flavor was enhanced.
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The doctor told us to let Mom eat whatever she will eat. She was in her 90's and skinny as a pin, but healthy. She had been a lousy eater for years.
While she was in IL (up to the age of 99) she ate very little except sweets, yogurt and ensure. In IL, when she did eat lunch it was the juice out of a cup of soup and 1/2 grilled cheese sandwich. She would order coffee and put 3 packet of sugar in it and drink maybe 1/4 of it. Truthfully, at the time (and when she was in AL and wasn't eating anything but the cookies and yogurt, etc I brought her) my sister and I were frustrated with her. We didn't think about the fact she barely could taste anything, had no taste buds left and sweets were the only thing she could receive any sensation from!
Isn't it horrible that when we get old we lose one of the greatest pleasures in life - the physical ability to enjoy food - in a country of bounty and variety! Bummer!
Maybe that is something the medical profession should be working on. So many elders die because they slowly starve themselves. Is it possible that if there was a way to prolong the ability to taste and enjoy food, their lives would be longer (and richer)?
We often thought that a good deal of Mom's dementia was due to brain starvation because she was so malnourished. (She did not have Alzheimers, and there seemed to be a direct correlation betweeen her mental decline and the decline in her nourishment.
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During my mom's final years, I spent more on convenience food. For me.

The time I used to spend on scratch ingredients, planning, cooking and clean-up.....I instead spent making sure mom's bills were paid and trying to make sense of her diminshed logic and hoarding and secrecy. Oh -- and making sure mom's fridge was full of food!

Just a long way of saying, you can't win with this stuff. And it only gets worse.

Can you "embrace" the take-out somehow? Perhaps make a conscious effort to spend less on groceries, to help offset the cost of the inevitable take-out meals? Then somehow use/freeze mom's leftovers to augment your meals? Maybe freeze some chicken/beef/veggies to add to your own CrockPot creation? Use mom's leftover potato wedges to make breakfast home-fries for yourself the next day? And such.

Hang in there. It s*cks to constantly worry about money and an ailing parent.....and feeling like your own health is taking a hit. Many on this forum can relate.

Try to squeeze in a quick walk once a day. YOU are worth it! It's so easy to lose ourselves in all this. The fresh air and momentum really helps the mind and body reset. (((hugs)))
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My mother used to ask for specific foods, only to not eat it. (I think she had residual memories of a particular food but with a reduced appetite and loss of taste her body didn't want it so she would push it away.)
Have your tried going to a pizza place where you can get it by the slice and putting it in the box from her favorite place? She probably won't know the difference anyway if she only eats a bite
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Freeze the leftovers in sandwich bags. When she wants pizza, chicken, or ribs, just take it out if the freezer. I dont waste any foid. I have taken care of the elderly and this has been my experience. I used to take care of an elderly woman that ate onky frozen dinners. I gave her HALF and she was fine.
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It's a real K.I.S.S. dish, RM; if it's going wrong it's usually because it's got overcooked or overcomplicated; and I'd say it's a French knack rather than a British one. Mind you, there's a heck of a lot to be said for scrambled eggs, too, as comfort food or whenever you're feeling a bit delicate and sorry for yourself. Or when your omelette's gone wrong, of course :)

My main difficulty at the moment is finding eggs that are both fresh enough and tasty enough. Only once your own chickens have helped themselves to a balanced diet supplemented by earthworms, spiders, ants' eggs, and, less endearingly, your cornflowers, cabbage seedlings, gooseberries and on one traumatic occasion an unfortunate frog do you discover what eggs are really meant to taste like.
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PhoenixDaughter - is it a British thing? I've noticed when reading books by British authors and watching British films that omelettes are a common dinner food. They always make it sound so easy and yummy - an omelette and side salad - that I get inspired. Who can forget Mr Darcy helping Bridgett Jones whip up omlettes for her birthday dinner? My grandma was London born but I sure didn't get the perfect omlette gene.
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