Michou Asked November 2021
Mom not only doesn’t recognize me, she doesn’t want to see me at all. Advice?
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She looked literally through me, refused my touch, didn’t answer me except to tell me : I don’t want you, I want daddy to bring me home.
I’m still crushed one week later, I try to reason with myself as usual since 6 years, but I can’t help to feel visiting is useless for her and painful for me because since the last 2 months it worsens week after week. I’m exhausted.
All advices are welcome.
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Dementia hurts everybody, not just our mother's. WE suffer too, and yes, their ugly behavior hurts because they're our mother's and we're human! It's a lot easier to say "just shrug it off" when a person is not the recipient of angry, harsh and terrible words from their own mother whom they've been struggling to care for for a very, very long time. No good comes from dementia, no good at all.
I feel your pain,my friend, because I'm feeling it along with you. Every night I pray for God to take my mother Home so she can end her hell on earth now, and mine as well. Take things one day at a time and stay away from the woman as long as that's what she wants. That's my plan as well. Best of luck.
Yes, I too, dare from time to time to ask her Father to bring her Home at last, and I do it with less and less feeling of guilt because that’s what she asks herself now when she cries to God!
I think that I’m learning to let it go, not even asking anymore for our mutual liberation...
Thank you for your understanding: it relieves me from the guilt to not going to see her as often as I used to. It’s so difficult to think of ourselves first, even when we’re suffering the aftermath of breast cancer as I do! I’m sure more vulnerable and less emotionally resistant!
God bless you! Big hug!
I dearly hope that your mom won’t go to that point, not every Alz sufferers live that terrible isolating bubble.
God bless you!
The trick is to leave before that starts. Good advice to myself, b/c I CAN see the clouds on the horizon and if I can zip out of there, the visits can be not awful.
My mother has spent my whole life playing both sides of the game: if I am of use to her, she is as sweet as can be. If I have 'mucked up' she cannot get over what I've done to her, even though she couches it in ways that are kind of passive aggressive.
It's so sad and I personally fear that I will turn into one of these old people--just checked out and unaware of it.
Death is not the thing we need to fear--it's the loss of self. Yes, some people develop memory issues and not all become mean. However, seems like 'mean' is the norm.
Sometimes I caught myself checking to guess what side I could develop if Alz struck me: the gentle or the nasty one. What an idle thought to entertain so useless and inspired by fear and too much sad experiences with a mom with a broken brain! It is so hard to see other Alz people sweet and smiling compare to my angry mom!
I sympathize with you also because it’s always the faithful one whose been lashed on. The one it is secure to be hard with because they’ll come back anyway. Well sometimes they don’t come back for a while because as Lealonnie said : we’re human, not saints or superhero!
Take care the best you could: here is a good place for understanding and comfort... and it is so much needed! Because nobody takes care of what we call in french « les proches aidants ». We are there for our loved ones, but who are there for us in the health care system?
At least we have each other here!
God bless!
But for now mom is in very good health and very bad moods!
My sincere sympathy for your loss, even if your mom is in a better place I know it’s a hard time. Even if we pray for their (and our) deliverance from this horrible Alz, when it’s happening , it’s still very hard! I know because once we feared mom was at the end and I was surprised how much I cried and was sad, not ready at all. Perhaps because it was not her time to go, God didn’t give me His peace!
When mom refused to receive my love, I was crushed and I said to God : « if it is what you feel when we refuse to receive Your love, I ask You to forgive us and me particularly from all my heart! ».
So I’m very grateful for your prayers! I’ll keep you in mine too.
This is not a sin you know! I am sure you have fond feelings for your mother but if you keep submerging yourself in this - you risk to lose the good memories of better days.
Realize that this is beyond your control. And this is not your fault. If your presence irritates and angers her and hurts you - you both suffer and there is no benefit for either of you at that moment.
So please, take a break, do some fun stuff! Get pampered at a spa! Take a short vacation! Focus on your other family members (if you have them) who might need your love and attention.
Instead of visitations, call the place she is at and inquire of her health and wellbeing. If she is lucid enough to recognize you - tell her how much you love her (if that's the case) and visit her and give her a hug. If she is not - keep your distance for your own mental health's sake.
And please, give yourself permission to feel OK with this! It is normal to feel sad about one's parent's decline. But it is not your fault and you have no control over her health.
God bless you!(or whatever bring you peace)!
On the brighter side I can watch over her in many other ways and even go almost incognito in some weeks if her memory continues to degrade.
Thank you for your insight: it’s comforting. Have a nice day!
Lots of times she thought I was her mum, I didn’t correct her I played along. What ever is going on in a persons head is their reality.
take a break, do something nice for yourself have a spa day anything to take your mind off it for a while.
your mum won’t even realise you have been gone so don’t feel guilty.
The personality changes are horrid. It’s not your mum that doesn’t want to see you it’s the Alzheimer’s.
keep strong x
As for « it is not your mom, it the Alz » I recognize too much of my mom in some of her unfiltered (that is the Alz!) reactions to feel any relief. Rejecting people because they don’t bring her exactly what she wants is not the dementia, it is her! She doesn’t recognize me, it’s the Alz. The combination of her character and the dementia shut me out of her bubble it is a very sad combination!
Thank you for your understanding and kindness. Take care: mourning is not easy either.God bless you.
Because of all of you, I realize many things and I evolve at least in my head if not quite in my heart.
I’ve never ever tried to make mom see me as her child if she doesn’t, but you must admit that on the receiving end, it’s hard. But I didn’t stop visiting her: my first concern was her, not me. If she rejects the « relative » that she thinks I am because I’m not the person who will take her home no matter what I tried to communicate, I feel visiting her is pretty useless for both of us!
Thank you for your concern. Have a nice day!
I understand you feel emotionally and psychologically crushed.
* It is apples and oranges to understand intellectually what dementia is - and how the brain changes, knowing it is the BRAIN changing and NOT your mother - and a / your gut reaction to what feels like absolute rejection.
* With this said, it is important for you to separate the two (even if this is a life long pattern, which triggers deeper and more visceral reactions in you) -
I suggest:
- Refocus your thoughts and feelings using C O M P A S S I O N to support you to move through these feelings. Start with:
(1) Feeling compassion for you, the little girl inside who is 6 years old. Sit in a comfortable chair and see her with your mom, and see your mom giving her a comforting hug. Really feel it.
(2) As an adult, visualize yourself extending compassion towards her - for she did and is now doing only what she can.
(3) Realize that trying to 'reason' these feelings away is hard; it hurts. Learn that you can hold two (or more) feelings concurrently (by practicing).
a) how you feel hurts
b) reframing feelings by the awareness of compassion.
You might want to start with a meditation (sitting in a quiet space) and seeing the word COMPASSION and/or feeling it in your heart. However you bring up the thought and feeling of compassion, ask IT to guide you. Ask 'it' what it wants to give you and what you do for both yourself and your mom putting this quality into a living form.
This exercise may be very abstract to you - to others - play with it.
Allow your inner guide to take over - get your logic(al) head out of the way.
This will shift your feelings of rejection and attachment to reacting NOW to your mom's behavior.
I've studied and worked with others using the model called FOCUSING. It is an amazing process when you give the feelings inside a voice and have a dialogue with them. Most of us 'only' respond from our point-of-view. It is a very different experience (and healing) when we ask the feelings to respond to us. They want to be acknowledged and heard (to release / transform) - and talk to you, they will.
In light and healing, Gena Galenski
I think the process you described is a bit on the road as I answered to each people writing to me : I see other sides, other ways and a sort of healing took place. With your example and steps it will be easier.
It’s not as abstract as you fear : I meditate and expose myself to my compassionate God every day, and in flash moment anytime a day.
I’ve just realised today that the Alz deprived my poor mom of all her means to cope with frustration which she had never quite manage to do so in the first place. So if I want to be able to visit her again eventually, I very much need to practice what you suggested because mom will never ever be able to cope anymore. So I’ll have to face her many tantrums! I could face her anger, at least, she accepts that I’m there but her rejection is hard because there is no door or window in her bubble! I wish I’ll be able to have again some moments with her whatever who she thinks I am, because I don’t want to keep that image of her stubbornly rejecting even a loving presence! And most of all, I so wish to be able to bring her some comfort as it used to be. That’s the worst part of not being able to reach her at all! No word, no touch, no object (she threw them away).
So I’ll have to practice your method a lot just to survive this phase (hoping that it is just a phase!).
Thank you. Have a nice day!
Her brain is diseased and she has lost some/much of her memories and experiences. It has nothing to do with how precious you were to her when she was "present" mentally. Forgive her for something she has no control over. And forgive yourself for the feelings you have; they are very natural.
At the stage you've described here, your visits are more for you than for her. You may find them difficult because you are looking for something that's not there, i.e., her recognition of you. Its unlikely that will happen any more. However, if you stop visiting altogether, you may regret it later. Love is about expression of our feelings for someone. IF we receive love in return, it is wonderful and that interchange builds and builds making us feel wanted, special and warm. It can be painful when its one-sided. In your mom's case, she isn't able to express love to you. She can't even express it to others even though it may seem like that's what she's doing. So, when you do visit, its to let her (and yourself) know you love her. You'll be glad later on that you took the time to do that, especially once she's gone. Still, each person has to do what is best for them.
Some time after mom died I realized that things she said to me were merely parroting what I had said to her earlier. That's what dementia patients do. They're tricky! Some can keep a response in their short-term memory long enough to fool us into thinking they are conversing with us when in fact, they are merely parroting our thoughts or actions.
For your own sake, write your mom a letter. Express what you're feeling and don't hold back. Put the letter away and review it in six months or a year. This may help you get some of those negative feelings out, allow you to forgive her and let go of some of the pain you're feeling.