Mom not only doesn’t recognize me, she doesn’t want to see me at all. Advice?

My mother will be 95 in Jan, suffers from advanced dementia and suddenly, I'm the devil. She spews nastier than usual words at me and has decided everything I say is targeted against her. So while it hurts my feelings, and it DOES hurt my feelings to be treated like garbage, I've decided to take care of MYSELF in this whole mess. My chronic stomach aches and crying jags aren't helping me, and they aren't helping her, so what's the point? I haven't visited her in 10 days, and have no plans to do so any day soon. I'm not calling her either. Last night she called me, heard my voice on the phone, and slammed her phone down hard at that point. When I called her back, she said some horrible things so I told her I'd speak to her when she's in a better mood. If not, no more phone calls for now.

Dementia hurts everybody, not just our mother's. WE suffer too, and yes, their ugly behavior hurts because they're our mother's and we're human! It's a lot easier to say "just shrug it off" when a person is not the recipient of angry, harsh and terrible words from their own mother whom they've been struggling to care for for a very, very long time. No good comes from dementia, no good at all.

I feel your pain,my friend, because I'm feeling it along with you. Every night I pray for God to take my mother Home so she can end her hell on earth now, and mine as well. Take things one day at a time and stay away from the woman as long as that's what she wants. That's my plan as well. Best of luck.

Hello my sweet mother had alzheimer's disease and it was devastating for our family and especially dad as they were high school sweethearts and best friends for over 55 years. It will be soon ten years in February of 2022. He misses her every single day and we talk about her all the time. We were blessed to have her in our lives . I am sorry for what you are going through and for your mom not to know you, mine did not either but she seemed to recognize I was someone she knew and that I loved her. She became like a little girl and I just wanted to take care of her and protect her as she did me when I was a child. I hope you can find some special memories of you and she that you can hang onto and find comfort in during those most awful and hurting times. I will pray for both of you and for God to bless you both and your family.

My mom does not have Alz., but she has 'filter issues' and picks on me to be the scapegoat for everything--b/c I actually visit her regularly, unlike my other 3 sibs--so when I do go visit, it always deteriorates into blaming and shaming.

The trick is to leave before that starts. Good advice to myself, b/c I CAN see the clouds on the horizon and if I can zip out of there, the visits can be not awful.

My mother has spent my whole life playing both sides of the game: if I am of use to her, she is as sweet as can be. If I have 'mucked up' she cannot get over what I've done to her, even though she couches it in ways that are kind of passive aggressive.

It's so sad and I personally fear that I will turn into one of these old people--just checked out and unaware of it.

Death is not the thing we need to fear--it's the loss of self. Yes, some people develop memory issues and not all become mean. However, seems like 'mean' is the norm.

Mom's alzheimer's was quite severe and she went through to the end stage quickly but also in much pain the week before she passed, We had her on hospice care and that was a blessing to have the help and advice, support for dad and I. Dad did pray for God to take her as it was too much for him to watch her suffer. It was a week I will never forget as I took a emergency leave from my nursing position to be with them and to cherish memories that I knew were her last. She just knew at times I was there and that was a comfort. I so feel for you not being wanted by your mom at this devastating time and that she is not in her right mind but in a fog and just can't get out. I do know God is greater and can help her break through even for a short while to see you and recognize her daughter. I am praying for this right now as I feel in my heart. Praise God! I will continue to pray for you .

YOU NEED TO TAKE A BREAK!
This is not a sin you know! I am sure you have fond feelings for your mother but if you keep submerging yourself in this - you risk to lose the good memories of better days.
Realize that this is beyond your control. And this is not your fault. If your presence irritates and angers her and hurts you - you both suffer and there is no benefit for either of you at that moment.
So please, take a break, do some fun stuff! Get pampered at a spa! Take a short vacation! Focus on your other family members (if you have them) who might need your love and attention.
Instead of visitations, call the place she is at and inquire of her health and wellbeing. If she is lucid enough to recognize you - tell her how much you love her (if that's the case) and visit her and give her a hug. If she is not - keep your distance for your own mental health's sake.
And please, give yourself permission to feel OK with this! It is normal to feel sad about one's parent's decline. But it is not your fault and you have no control over her health.

It's not an uncommon situation. Your Mom is there, but she isn't. It's certainly a mental situation so don't take it personal while you grieve the loss of the relationship. If meds can't improve her mental state, then I would say resolve yourself to the loss of her memory, her comments to, and understand that your visits are to check on her care more than expecting improvement in attitude. I would consider that your visits do not involve explaining who you are if you doesn't remember you but rather checking on her care.

Can't reason with a broken brain.

It's like asking a person with two broken legs to walk.

So sad you are suffering, I lost mum to Alzheimer’s last November and it’s horrible painful process so I do understand something of what you are going through.

Lots of times she thought I was her mum, I didn’t correct her I played along. What ever is going on in a persons head is their reality.

take a break, do something nice for yourself have a spa day anything to take your mind off it for a while.

your mum won’t even realise you have been gone so don’t feel guilty.

The personality changes are horrid. It’s not your mum that doesn’t want to see you it’s the Alzheimer’s.

keep strong x

Does your mom's place have a spot where you could just observe her in the common area? Sometimes just being nearby is helpful to your heart without upsetting your mom.

She doesn't recognize you as family. Stop trying to make her see you as her child. Visit as a friend. Commiserate with her that she is "sick" and needs to stay where she is. Visiting helps you to see she is well-cared for. Knowing her the best, you may also notice health care changes that should be addressed.