My Mom needs to be in a nursing home. How can I make my sister send her to one?

Not everyone is cut out to be a full time caregiver. My mom did not want to go to a nursing home and I cared for her full time. There is a connection between your mother and sister that is one of trust and caring. Maybe you cannot see yourself in the role your sister has chosen and that is all right. But your sister cares and I can tell you from personal experience that caring for someone is the hardest and most rewarding experience a person can have. I suggest you try it for a few days and after that give your sister a big hug and support her decision. No nursing facility can compare to being cared for by a loving daughter.

So you think your sister is putting her life on hold taking care of your mom for the money? You should try it for a week and see if you find the money a reward enough. Strange though you said your mom thrived being away from her.. Doyou think she is neglecting your mom? Maybe you should spend more time at your sister's and help out and see first hand what is going on.

1. Have an independent assessment performed by a licensed professional about what is in your mother's best interest. Ensure that the assessment considers all relevant medical evidence, as well as psychological assessment of the patient and the relevant caregivers
2. The assessment should consider not only your mother's health and symptoms, but also the possibility that you have raised that the motivations of others (your sister and you, in particular) may be affecting the nature of the care being given.
3. If the assessment concludes that the situation should change, then you have several options: 1) if there is a Power of Attorney for Health Care, the agent under that power should probably follow the advice of the assessment. If that is not you, then the agent should be provided with the assessment; 2) if the agent does not follow the assessment, most states have procedures in their Probate Codes to involve a judge to compel the agent to provide for the principal as required in the principal's best interest; 3) if there is no Power of Attorney for Health Care (or Advance Health Care directive), and Mom has capacity, she can decide whether to follow the instructions of the report; 4) if Mom does not have capacity and there is no POAHC or AHCD, then an interested party (varies from State to State, but generally a child will have standing as an interested party) can bring a conservatorship proceeding to appoint a conservator who can legally make decisions on behalf of an incapacitated person (conservatee or ward). This is known as a "conservatorship over the person." The person receiving the pension and paying the caregiver(s) is called the "conservator over the estate." They can be the same person or you can seek to have an independent person serve in each capacity to prevent the motivations of a financially interested person from clouding their judgment about what is in the best interest of the principal.

How is it that your mother thrived in a nursing home and not under the care of your sister in her own home?

For me Nursing home is an absolute last resort. I am not sure where the perception of mom needing to go into a home. I am glad to see she received great results when she was there for a month. There are several options and the prolong the overall well being of your mom I feel options should be reviewed. What are the exact care needs of your mom and what is it that your sister is not doing? Could your mom benefit from a day support program? Could your mom benefit from having an aide come into the home and provide additional care? Many people have their own reservations when it come to placing a loved one into a facility. This would be the perfect time to have a civil conversation about the care of your mom with you sister.

If your sister took upon herself caring for your mother, she should be more than just loving daughter. My heart dropped as you mentioned your mom "thriving" in the nursing home. That means she does not have adequate care where she is now.
Loving your parent is not enough to become the best and right caregiver for mom or dad. It comes with all different skills and knowledge. If you feel that your mother does not have proper care you should talk to your sister and ask if she would be willing to learn how to be that best caregiver. Find local support group for her to attend. Bring palliative care to help her. Maybe even find short term classes for caregiver where your sister can learn and become more professional.

What criteria are you using when you say your mum 'thrived' when in the nursing home for 1.5 months? And what were the circumstances that put her there for that length of time? Did you visit her during that time in the same way (same frequency as you would visit normally)? It's very easy for onlookers, which is what you are, to make an objective judgment in this case. Surely the best thing is to ask your mum whether she preferred being in the nursing home to being with your sister, rather than forming this value judgment. What would happen to your mum's pension if she went into a care home? If she is happier with her daughter, and this suits her daughter's family, there doesn't seem to be an issue. So, you need to get hard fact to prove that your mum 'needs' to be in a nursing home before convincing yourself that this is the case. To be honest I don't believe that until you've actually done what your sister is doing, you will actually have the ability to decide what your mum does and doesn't need.

There's no problem with the sister's behaviour itself - msweet says that the sister is a good, loving person. I suspect it comes down mainly to the definition of "thrived." Regular hours, a team of people providing care and expertise, dietetically approved food, a range of stimulating and health-promoting activities - the sort of place my SIL dreams of, in other words - can lead to an older person thriving. Thriving, I would sceptically say, in the way that a bullock thrives in a finishing pen. You can get them in lovely condition by controlling every aspect of their lives.

But then there's the definition of what makes mother happy. Much, much harder to put your finger on. Especially when the person has dementia and can't say for herself; but actually it is hard for the person anyway. What's she supposed to say? "I can't stand my daughter la second longer, she drives me nuts and I'm bored out of my skull"? It's never going to happen.

I'm facing an issue similar to this, except that it's I who am having the argument with myself. We're about to move house. In deciding where we go next, I aim to give mother the free choice of: either buy her own home and I'll live with her as her caregiver; or move to a good residential setting and I'll hover around, or skip town, depending on how well she settles in. We're having a look at a few options, and I hope she'll try them out. Sincerely, I am content with either. But I'm not optimistic that she'll base her choice on her own, real wishes. Far more likely she'll try to guess what I, or my siblings, or the cat, or the postman come to that, think is best.

Msweet, my rudeness above notwithstanding, I do understand your view that for your mother the pros and cons come down in favour of the NH: it's a valid point of view, and a good NH can be an excellent place for a person with dementia to reach the end of her days. They can accommodate to her changing needs, they can call on extra resources - there are all kinds of points in their favour.

But at the NH they don't love her. And for many old people the limitations of a family home are more than offset by just being at home, not 'in a home'. I think probably the best thing you can do is research alternatives and be ready to suggest them if and when your sister runs out of steam. And meanwhile keep in close touch, and be nice (I'm sure you are already). Best of luck, sorry if I've rambled.

Be supportive of your sister. Maybe mom likes it there and sister might need some in home help caring for her. You run out of hours in the day to do everything when the person you are caring for operates in slow motion. In home health, obtained through her MD would see if something needs to happen. I have worked in nursing homes. The staff changes often because the pay is low, the patient to staff ratio is higher than 1 to 1 which your mom gets right now.
Take over care of your mom for a week and give your sister a vacation (which she probably needs) and you will also see hands on what it is like for a week (years are even harder).
Until you are supportive, your sister may feel like she is both doing battle to protect herself and mom, while taking care of mom. All the while her employable skills ebb away.
Start with, "Is there anything I can help you with?"

There is unknown information here. Your sister has taken on a huge burden to care for your mother. I am going to assume her care is adequate at home because nothing was mentioned about it being inadequate. The fact she is the one doing the care may be keeping her from having to go on medicaid in a nursing home. If she is not providing good care, then her pension and medicare should be used to help with care she needs. On the other hand, your sister would be wise to keep very good record keeping to justify taking money from your mother. If she is in it just for money, shame on her.