My Mom needs to be in a nursing home. How can I make my sister send her to one? - AgingCare.com

My Mom needs to be in a nursing home. How can I make my sister send her to one?

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My sister has been caring for Mom for years. Mom has demetia and is a diabetic. She needs to be in a nursing home. She was in one for a month and a half and thrived. How can I make my sister send her where she needs to go? My sister is a good loving person and cares for Mom, but needs the money. I believe this is a big part of why she won't let Mom go-Mom's pension hels support the household. I am quite sure I am not the first person to be in a situation like this. Any advice from anyone?

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Reverseroles, I am sorry that you have had that experience with NHs. My Mother has had the opposite experience. Yes, there is one in town that I would avoid, but we are quite happy with my Mother's care. She is the best she has been in years.
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Putting your Mom in a nursing home is a guarantee of failing health and death. You are talking 1 Aide to 8-12 patients, feeding on a schedule and not taking 1-2 hours to feed them, waking them up all night long to drag them to the bathroom, infections, diseases, and no love. I know its hard for your sister, I have worked fulltime and have had my mom 6 years, have had two children get married, have had 2 grandchildren and havea great supportive husband of 37 years. I dont want to make my life be on hold, as much as it is, I am trying to make it work out, I hire morning help and am trying to hire weekend help for Moms care. It can be done, people should just do it, its their parent no matter what. Hope your mom stays with your sister and I hope she is getting help or uses her Moms ss to hire help.
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sometimes the 'thriving' comes from getting better to get the h*** back home.....my dad was in for 6 weeks post stroke....he was a trooper!
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It may be the wrong question, pipruby, but you have introduced me to the delightful thought of Himalayan Pink Salt (whatever next? Alpine Baby Blue? Andean Purple?) and I am grateful :)
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Be supportive of your sister. Maybe mom likes it there and sister might need some in home help caring for her. You run out of hours in the day to do everything when the person you are caring for operates in slow motion. In home health, obtained through her MD would see if something needs to happen. I have worked in nursing homes. The staff changes often because the pay is low, the patient to staff ratio is higher than 1 to 1 which your mom gets right now.
Take over care of your mom for a week and give your sister a vacation (which she probably needs) and you will also see hands on what it is like for a week (years are even harder).
Until you are supportive, your sister may feel like she is both doing battle to protect herself and mom, while taking care of mom. All the while her employable skills ebb away.
Start with, "Is there anything I can help you with?"
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What does your Mom want? Does she want to stay home or live in an ALF. Most people want to stay out of these facilities. Some places accept medicaid from day 1 but the turnover and patient per worker ratio is high as is worker turnover, and the staff never really knows the needs of the resident. At home, there is a continuity of care with one care giver 24/7. You have to be uber wealthy to be in a top notch facility. once you enter into long term care, that becomes your whole life. I have 4 relatives who recently went to a nursing home after they experienced a fall at their home. They hated it and never forgave the people who put them there. They were neither physically or emotionally better off. I have an immense amount of respect for care givers. It is a very demanding job. Your Mom is not necessarily better off at a long term facility. Most states will assist with a home health care nurse and physical therapy to assist a caregiver. Some states, like Indiana, help out monetarily.
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Instead of jumping the gun and putting mom in a nursing home could you instead offer more assistance to your sister to make than environment work to it's full potential. Maybe with additional help from you your mom would not have to be subjected to the nursing home environment which should be used only for those who's care requires 24/7 assistance that a home environment can not provide.
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My mom is thriving in a nursing home. Did your mom start to show worsening signs of dementia and a weight loss, when your sister moved her? My mom was not bathing (ever) at home and was only eating McDonalds sausage biscuits. There is something to say for 24/7 care and getting cleaned up and dressed every day.

But, convincing your sister of the benefits is tough. Some people like to micro manage the nursing home staff. I made that mistake several years ago. I have stepped back, now.
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You state that your sister has been taking care of your mom for years. What is the difference now? The dementia? Are supportive enough with your sister? Have you given her time off and offered to help with your mom? Are there other professionals involved in your mom's life? I've had my mother for over a year living with me, before that she was in an ALF and my brother offered half of what she would leave us just so I would look after her because he wanted none of the responsibility. Let me just say that what good caregivers do whether for money or love or both no amount of money in the world is enough to reward them. I am about to move my mother to an ALF because I can no longer sustain a full time job, a marriage and a normal life and take good care of my mother at the same time. I will never forget this year of my life, the most painful, challenging and compassion filled year of my life. My mother has now become my child, completely dependent on what I do for her or allow others to do under my always watchful eye. I honor those who undertake this great task, not for a year but for years as your sister has done.
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There's no problem with the sister's behaviour itself - msweet says that the sister is a good, loving person. I suspect it comes down mainly to the definition of "thrived." Regular hours, a team of people providing care and expertise, dietetically approved food, a range of stimulating and health-promoting activities - the sort of place my SIL dreams of, in other words - can lead to an older person thriving. Thriving, I would sceptically say, in the way that a bullock thrives in a finishing pen. You can get them in lovely condition by controlling every aspect of their lives.

But then there's the definition of what makes mother happy. Much, much harder to put your finger on. Especially when the person has dementia and can't say for herself; but actually it is hard for the person anyway. What's she supposed to say? "I can't stand my daughter la second longer, she drives me nuts and I'm bored out of my skull"? It's never going to happen.

I'm facing an issue similar to this, except that it's I who am having the argument with myself. We're about to move house. In deciding where we go next, I aim to give mother the free choice of: either buy her own home and I'll live with her as her caregiver; or move to a good residential setting and I'll hover around, or skip town, depending on how well she settles in. We're having a look at a few options, and I hope she'll try them out. Sincerely, I am content with either. But I'm not optimistic that she'll base her choice on her own, real wishes. Far more likely she'll try to guess what I, or my siblings, or the cat, or the postman come to that, think is best.

Msweet, my rudeness above notwithstanding, I do understand your view that for your mother the pros and cons come down in favour of the NH: it's a valid point of view, and a good NH can be an excellent place for a person with dementia to reach the end of her days. They can accommodate to her changing needs, they can call on extra resources - there are all kinds of points in their favour.

But at the NH they don't love her. And for many old people the limitations of a family home are more than offset by just being at home, not 'in a home'. I think probably the best thing you can do is research alternatives and be ready to suggest them if and when your sister runs out of steam. And meanwhile keep in close touch, and be nice (I'm sure you are already). Best of luck, sorry if I've rambled.
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