Dementia involves damage to the brain. Depending on the nature and location of the damage, many disturbing behaviors can be caused.
The person with dementia often realizes that something is wrong, but not necessarily what. This is upsetting and frightening. The person may come up with strange explanations for these feelings, such as someone is gossiping about her or has hit her or won't let her eat or ... well all kinds of things that are not objectively "true." These are not lies in the sense that the person with dementia is deliberately saying something they know to be untrue or deliberately trying to make trouble. It may just be a way of coping with intense feelings that don't make sense.
Hallucinations and delusions are other behaviors that may be present.
Any accusations against a caregiver (or anyone else) needs to be taken seriously and checked out. Abuse does occur. But keep in mind that the word of someone with dementia is very often not reliable. Look for other evidence.
People with dementia can't formulate a lie but they can mix up incidents with each other & combine it into a new 1 [I call it Chinese menu memory] - they also tend to make mountains out of a molehill
However I agree you should investigate all incidents in case it is true - then deal with it appropriately -
We thought mom & dad were having things stolen but later found a lot of items in very odd spots [like money in towels, jewelry under mom's seat in car, etc] most items were found but a few never were -
Always check the garbage pails/recycles/piles of papers for hidden items - we believe that's where a lot of things disappeared out of house - they think they are being robbed when they can't find something then start hiding [& forgetting where] items that then become the new thing stolen - self pretetuating
It's hard to say without knowing more. What is your mom saying that the caregiver is saying to her? Is it just things she's saying, or is mom saying things are happening (you allude to both in your question.)
Is this a new caregiver for your mom or someone who has worked with her for some time? Do you or your brother know the caregiver? Was she checked out before she started? Is mom alone with her all of the time, or are you and your brother around her some as well?
The caretaker is the OP's brother. The OP says that the brother has convinced their sister that mother's tales about brother losing his temper are unreliable because of mother's dementia.
M'mmmm. Could be the brother needs a bit of support?
Pinckney This question disturbs me. People with EARLY dementia usually have a normal, but occasional forgetfulness, but they know reality from unreality. Please, whatever you do, do NOT ignore your mom's situation. I agree with the other responses. Get a security camera or recorder. Just WHAT is happening! Is it verbal, physical abuse; is the caregiver stealing---what! Your mother is reaching out to you. And, not to put more of a burden on your shoulders, please be aware that sometimes caregivers are not honest. Three of my friends that had, yes had, caregivers last month were all ripped off. One took beautiful vases from Japan, one caregiver took jewelry and the other helped herself to Hummel figurines. One, so far, has been caught by detectives selling jewelry to a pawn shop. Only 1/3 of the jewelry has been returned. PLEASE get to know whoever comes into your home to watch a loved one. Bonded by professional caregiving agencies sounds so secure, but bonded is a joke! Unless you are Jack-the Ripper, most people can be bonded without a blink. Please, listen to your mother, believe her, help her. I have never found a person with mild dementia to tell lies or make up stories, less it was a former character flaw. And her being your mother, you would know that. Good luck.
For her safety get a nanny cam. People with dementia go through episodes when they are confused but commonly not all day everyday. I found out that a care giver was taunting my Father about going to a nursing home and they were arguing. Your Mother is helpless and given the chance some people take advantage.
My dad has dementia and he comes up with unbelievable stories about money. He said he gave 1000 pounds to my brother in cash when he was actually in another place completely. I don't believe anything g he says anymore
It is possible, but at the same time, I would be very careful with what she says without evidence. My mom has dementia and has accused my niece at stealing her underwears and her books. She hides her silvers because she thinks people are stealing them. She has made other accusations and is very paranoid. I have discussed it with her neurologist who mentions that it is normal. I would recommend installing a camera to monitor her care-workers to be more certain because it could all really be true.
Your BROTHER is the caregiver she's accusing? Wow, I'd tread very lightly on installing a recording device. What's the term we hear here? Boots on the ground! Spell your brother for a while, don't spy on him first. My mother lives with my brother. He can have quite the temper, and Mother interprets him yelling (at anything or anyone) as a personal attack. At one point she asked if she could live with me, she was so scared. I just went right to brother and told him--and he confessed he was under a lot of stresses and was in, fact, lashing out, but never AT mother. I believed him. I also offered more help, which for a while he accepted. Caregiving is very stressful. Brother is regretting moving mom & dad in with him, but he is determined to stick with the commitment. When I found he was so stressed, I emailed and called all the other sibs. Some $$ went his way, to alleviate the financial stress he was experiencing, and more help came, until he no longer felt he needed help with mother. This was some years back. Mother now has early stages of dementia, fairly mild, and she can only talk about things that happened 80 years ago or yesterday. That's the new norm for us. I take all she says with a grain of salt, and if she complains about brother or his wife (who is a saint!!) I am sure to relay that to them in a kind way. If I put a listening device in my brother's home....he'd be so upset. IF mother was under the care of "caregivers" and complaining, I'd think long and hard about it. If you take over mom's care for a week, you might well find yourself being not-quite-so sweet as you think you'd be. I last about 3 hours and I can't take it. Brother has mother 24/7. I just admire him.
The person with dementia often realizes that something is wrong, but not necessarily what. This is upsetting and frightening. The person may come up with strange explanations for these feelings, such as someone is gossiping about her or has hit her or won't let her eat or ... well all kinds of things that are not objectively "true." These are not lies in the sense that the person with dementia is deliberately saying something they know to be untrue or deliberately trying to make trouble. It may just be a way of coping with intense feelings that don't make sense.
Hallucinations and delusions are other behaviors that may be present.
Any accusations against a caregiver (or anyone else) needs to be taken seriously and checked out. Abuse does occur. But keep in mind that the word of someone with dementia is very often not reliable. Look for other evidence.
However I agree you should investigate all incidents in case it is true - then deal with it appropriately -
We thought mom & dad were having things stolen but later found a lot of items in very odd spots [like money in towels, jewelry under mom's seat in car, etc] most items were found but a few never were -
Always check the garbage pails/recycles/piles of papers for hidden items - we believe that's where a lot of things disappeared out of house - they think they are being robbed when they can't find something then start hiding [& forgetting where] items that then become the new thing stolen - self pretetuating
Is this a new caregiver for your mom or someone who has worked with her for some time? Do you or your brother know the caregiver? Was she checked out before she started? Is mom alone with her all of the time, or are you and your brother around her some as well?
M'mmmm. Could be the brother needs a bit of support?
This question disturbs me. People with EARLY dementia usually have a normal, but occasional forgetfulness, but they know reality from unreality. Please, whatever you do, do NOT ignore your mom's situation. I agree with the other responses. Get a security camera or recorder. Just WHAT is happening! Is it verbal, physical abuse; is the caregiver stealing---what! Your mother is reaching out to you. And, not to put more of a burden on your shoulders, please be aware that sometimes caregivers are not honest. Three of my friends that had, yes had, caregivers last month were all ripped off. One took beautiful vases from Japan, one caregiver took jewelry and the other helped herself to Hummel figurines. One, so far, has been caught by detectives selling jewelry to a pawn shop. Only 1/3 of the jewelry has been returned. PLEASE get to know whoever comes into your home to watch a loved one. Bonded by professional caregiving agencies sounds so secure, but bonded is a joke! Unless you are Jack-the Ripper, most people can be bonded without a blink. Please, listen to your mother, believe her, help her. I have never found a person with mild dementia to tell lies or make up stories, less it was a former character flaw. And her being your mother, you would know that. Good luck.
My mother lives with my brother. He can have quite the temper, and Mother interprets him yelling (at anything or anyone) as a personal attack. At one point she asked if she could live with me, she was so scared. I just went right to brother and told him--and he confessed he was under a lot of stresses and was in, fact, lashing out, but never AT mother. I believed him. I also offered more help, which for a while he accepted.
Caregiving is very stressful. Brother is regretting moving mom & dad in with him, but he is determined to stick with the commitment. When I found he was so stressed, I emailed and called all the other sibs. Some $$ went his way, to alleviate the financial stress he was experiencing, and more help came, until he no longer felt he needed help with mother.
This was some years back. Mother now has early stages of dementia, fairly mild, and she can only talk about things that happened 80 years ago or yesterday. That's the new norm for us. I take all she says with a grain of salt, and if she complains about brother or his wife (who is a saint!!) I am sure to relay that to them in a kind way.
If I put a listening device in my brother's home....he'd be so upset. IF mother was under the care of "caregivers" and complaining, I'd think long and hard about it.
If you take over mom's care for a week, you might well find yourself being not-quite-so sweet as you think you'd be. I last about 3 hours and I can't take it. Brother has mother 24/7. I just admire him.
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