This is your statement from your profile page; "Married 32 years to my best friend. We have our 27 year old son also living with us. Mom is a huge narcissist and I had a very emotionally/mentally abusive childhood that continued into adulthood."
That last portion of your statement is hugely important. I wholeheartedly agree-she has to leave. If your situation is extreme enough to require seeing a psychiatrist and therapist, I would assume it is because of her. You will never get mentally well if she is living with you.
Does your mother have dementia? If so, you could check out memory care facilities that take Medicaid/Medi-Cal. She can apply IF she has less than $2000. in the bank and if she makes less than $1400./month. This may take some time to complete the enrollment process.
You could contact her doctor and tell him/her that you are no longer able to care for her and do they have any recommendations. Check your local Senior Center for senior apartments and ask for a Senior Guide booklet that has listings for all the facilities in your area.
You can not abandon her but, as a last resort, you could take her to any Emergency Department for a complaint and refuse to take her home. Tell them you have been advised by both the psychiatrist and therapist to live separately. The hospital social worker would have to find her emergency placement. Do NOT let them talk or bully you into taking her back home. Do not answer the door if they send her home by cab.
You must take care of yourself first. You can not sacrifice your mental state for her comfort or easy living conditions.
Soflagrown You already know that your mom needs to move but why is it that she lives with you and doesn’t pay her way? I get it there isn’t enough money she could pay at this point that would make a difference in how you feel about her living with you. 8+ years is a looong time to be miserable. I suspect she’s not happy either. If mom is incompetent follow the comments made by Sue. If she is competent then you need to ask her to leave. If she refuses, then you will need to evict her. Put your head down and get this done. You are doing nothing that is more important than getting her out of your home. How long have you been seeing the therapist? What seems to be the roadblock with yourself? It doesn’t matter that you nor she have family members to share the pain or take over. If you did then they would soon be miserable. I really don’t understand why people think it’s some sort of solution to make someone else take over what’s making you miserable. It would make them miserable too. She needs a long term fix that isn’t you. Focus on that. The quicker you say you need her to find a new place to live the better. IF SHE’s COMPETENT. If she’s not then you would be wasting your breath and you need the government to help you. One time I had a family of five living in my home. I was renting so I told them I was going to move. Which I did. They had to make other arrangements. They had only lived with me a year. You may not be able to move but make sure mom does. Is your son paying his way? If not, maybe you do need to move. Come back and discuss this with us. Tell us the issues. We will do our best to help you sort through them.
Who are these “some” people whose opinion the OP might give a hoot about? Are you saying she just has to live like this? No. Tell her that the current arrangement isn’t working out anymore. That you’ve found a nice place for her to live and when it’s scheduled and she can be part of the decision making if she wants to look around more.
You state that you are seeking help from professionals--is this because of mom living with you--and the continuing controlling behavior? When we had to move mother and dad, my vote was to place them in an independent living apartment--and I was outvoted by 5-1. Flash forward 21 years and dad has long since passed, Mother requires far more care than she gets or will allow, and my brother (with whom she lives) is sick to death of having her there. He's often said it was the worst decision he ever made. He wasn't close to mother (none of us are) and so it was odd that he was the one to "take her in."
She pays no rent, only the cable bill, because SHE wants cable. Truly, she has no clue how much stress and anxiety she causes this family. The other 4 sibs really have nothing to do with her. I tried for years and years to be on better terms with her and finally threw in the towel, She cannot change, she can never be the "mother" I so desperately needed, so we simply go to lunch once a month and are cordial to each other.
Our family is fractured beyond repair over infighting about how to help her---and some of us sibs just don't talk to each other except in terse emails.
I imagine once she dies, we will empty her place, divide the few things she has of "value" and paint the apartment and my 31 yo niece will move into the apartment and live there forever, caring for HER folks.
One self absorbed, selfish person can truly ruin a family. Sad, but true. My MIL is much the same and we get together with DH's family ONCE a year, I stay until she insults me then I leave.
Learning to set boundaries with mother has been very, very hard. I kept going back over and over, thinking she cared and thinking I was "helping". 8 months ago I stepped way from PT caregiving and it was like taking a finger out of glass of water. Nobody noticed nor cared. That was a huge wake up call for me.
Ok my mother is a huge narcissist that manipulates beyond belief. She has a pension social security and two annuities but tells us she has no money for independent living. My husband and I have been looking at places for her for the past month. When her sadistic husband passed away she had me on all her bank accounts. I went to the bank three weeks ago to find out what her monthly income is and was told she closed those accounts in 2015 and opened new ones without me on them. In the last two years she’s been through rectal cancer and I had to learn how to change an ostomy bag and take care of her. Fast forward the ostomy bag is gone and she just leased her 4th new Cadillac since living with us. My son does pull his weight and has no problem helping with bills. I’m seeing a psychiatrist and therapist trying to get answers on how I can get through this. The real answer is staring me in the face- she has to go. I’m afraid because she is so vindictive and I don’t know what she will do. I work in law enforcement and have informed them what’s going on but it’s so nerve wracking building up to the point to tell her. Most days I feel like I’m losing my mind. We want our house and freedom back
Make sure you have all the information she'll need to move, (list of senior living places, etc.), before you tell her to move out. That way there won't be a problem of her not knowing what to do. You can get this information at your local Senior Center or behind the counter at your local library.
"Married 32 years to my best friend. We have our 27 year old son also living with us. Mom is a huge narcissist and I had a very emotionally/mentally abusive childhood that continued into adulthood."
That last portion of your statement is hugely important. I wholeheartedly agree-she has to leave. If your situation is extreme enough to require seeing a psychiatrist and therapist, I would assume it is because of her. You will never get mentally well if she is living with you.
Does your mother have dementia? If so, you could check out memory care facilities that take Medicaid/Medi-Cal. She can apply IF she has less than $2000. in the bank and if she makes less than $1400./month. This may take some time to complete the enrollment process.
You could contact her doctor and tell him/her that you are no longer able to care for her and do they have any recommendations. Check your local Senior Center for senior apartments and ask for a Senior Guide booklet that has listings for all the facilities in your area.
You can not abandon her but, as a last resort, you could take her to any Emergency Department for a complaint and refuse to take her home. Tell them you have been advised by both the psychiatrist and therapist to live separately. The hospital social worker would have to find her emergency placement. Do NOT let them talk or bully you into taking her back home. Do not answer the door if they send her home by cab.
You must take care of yourself first. You can not sacrifice your mental state for her comfort or easy living conditions.
You already know that your mom needs to move but why is it that she lives with you and doesn’t pay her way? I get it there isn’t enough money she could pay at this point that would make a difference in how you feel about her living with you.
8+ years is a looong time to be miserable. I suspect she’s not happy either.
If mom is incompetent follow the comments made by Sue. If she is competent then you need to ask her to leave. If she refuses, then you will need to evict her.
Put your head down and get this done. You are doing nothing that is more important than getting her out of your home. How long have you been seeing the therapist?
What seems to be the roadblock with yourself?
It doesn’t matter that you nor she have family members to share the pain or take over. If you did then they would soon be miserable. I really don’t understand why people think it’s some sort of solution to make someone else take over what’s making you miserable. It would make them miserable too. She needs a long term fix that isn’t you. Focus on that.
The quicker you say you need her to find a new place to live the better. IF SHE’s COMPETENT.
If she’s not then you would be wasting your breath and you need the government to help you.
One time I had a family of five living in my home. I was renting so I told them I was going to move. Which I did. They had to make other arrangements. They had only lived with me a year. You may not be able to move but make sure mom does.
Is your son paying his way? If not, maybe you do need to move.
Come back and discuss this with us. Tell us the issues. We will do our best to help you sort through them.
I’m new to this I did reply to your post. Thank you for reading my post. I look forward to your reply
Tell her that the current arrangement isn’t working out anymore. That you’ve found a nice place for her to live and when it’s scheduled and she can be part of the decision making if she wants to look around more.
When we had to move mother and dad, my vote was to place them in an independent living apartment--and I was outvoted by 5-1. Flash forward 21 years and dad has long since passed, Mother requires far more care than she gets or will allow, and my brother (with whom she lives) is sick to death of having her there. He's often said it was the worst decision he ever made. He wasn't close to mother (none of us are) and so it was odd that he was the one to "take her in."
She pays no rent, only the cable bill, because SHE wants cable. Truly, she has no clue how much stress and anxiety she causes this family. The other 4 sibs really have nothing to do with her. I tried for years and years to be on better terms with her and finally threw in the towel, She cannot change, she can never be the "mother" I so desperately needed, so we simply go to lunch once a month and are cordial to each other.
Our family is fractured beyond repair over infighting about how to help her---and some of us sibs just don't talk to each other except in terse emails.
I imagine once she dies, we will empty her place, divide the few things she has of "value" and paint the apartment and my 31 yo niece will move into the apartment and live there forever, caring for HER folks.
One self absorbed, selfish person can truly ruin a family. Sad, but true. My MIL is much the same and we get together with DH's family ONCE a year, I stay until she insults me then I leave.
Learning to set boundaries with mother has been very, very hard. I kept going back over and over, thinking she cared and thinking I was "helping". 8 months ago I stepped way from PT caregiving and it was like taking a finger out of glass of water. Nobody noticed nor cared. That was a huge wake up call for me.