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My Mom is living in a Senior Facility getting short term memory care. Everytime I visit her she asks why she's there and not home. I try to change the subject...but she still asks me and she gets mad at me saying that I am torturing her for her being there and she wants to go to own house.
My Stepdad is home with home care 5 days a week, 8 hours a day. She asks me where he is and when I say home, and she says why can't she be there too? It leads into an argument and she gets mad at me. We had her home 2 different times and it just didn't work. She is incontinent and she wouldn't bathe and would get agitated easily. It seems like my Mom knows what's going on, then doesn't...short term memory loss. It makes me so sad and I feel so guilty I can't sleep at night. Do you have any solutions..how and what to say to her? She will be 95 this Sunday. I currently have POA on her and it was my decision to put her there.
Sincerely,
Isabel

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My mother is almost 94, moderate dementia, incontinent, wheelchair bound, with more issues than Newsweek. Suddenly, after being in Assisted Living since 2014, she wants to know what she's doing in Memory Care with all "these stupid morons"? She thinks she should be living with me, which is unrealistic and out of the question. I am incapable and unqualified to give her the 24/7 care she requires, same as your father is unqualified and incapable of providing your mother that kind of care. That's the truth and that's why your mother and my mother are living in a place where they DO get the care they need. This is what I tell my mother when she brings the subject up all the time. Sorry mom, it's impossible to even fit your wheelchair into one of my bathrooms, let alone have me get you in and out of bed and the shower. You are in a good safe place where all the staff love you.

We call and visit and bring her snacks and treats new clothes and all the toiletries she needs.

I don't want to live to be in my 90s and have dementia, nor do I want my children to go thru what you and I are going thru. There's no perfect answer for people living too long with brain disorders. This is the best possible scenario.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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How about "the doctor says you must stay here until you are stronger"; " I'll have to discuss that with the care team, its their call"?
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Reply to BarbBrooklyn
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CareaboutmyMOM Oct 14, 2020
Thank You for your response...will look into!
God Bless You ❤️
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It’s very sad. I wish it wasn’t. I’m sorry that you are struggling with this. Take comfort that you are doing your very best under the circumstances.

Wishing you all the best...
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Reply to NeedHelpWithMom
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CareaboutmyMOM Oct 14, 2020
Thank You so much I am doing my Best to make her comfortable...just SAD!!!
God Bless You ❤️
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Dear careaboutmyMOM- The truth hurts your mother, so you will have to lie to her.

When she asks to go home, you could make up some excuse that the house is not inhabitable so she can't go home for the time being. Tell her that the roof got blown off in the last storm and is being replaced. It'll take a month to finish. Or, the water company is replacing the main line and turn off all the water. It'll take weeks to get done. She can go when the house is ready.

The same goes for when she asks about her husband, don't say he's at home. Tell her he's some place else that isn't convenient to go visit. Maybe he's at the hospital having his hearing fixed, or having eye surgery, or he has some contagious skin condition, or he's off deep sea fishing in the middle of the Atlantic (if she can believe it), etc. So, he's not available for weeks or months.

The idea is to stall her and pacify her for a while. You might as well have some fun making up stories. So, be creative.
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Reply to polarbear
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CareaboutmyMOM Oct 14, 2020
Thank You so much for your reply, I will work on my lies better! 😉
God Bless ❤️
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