Mom is leaving her money (not much) to her youngest grandson. She has 3 children and 3 grandchildren. Any advice?

It's so sad to hear all these recountings of unequal inheritance. I don't know that any are totally equal. People should alwayw be grateful for the person's friendship, and not expect anything. That way, if anything does come their way they'll be grateful.
I'm having to help my mom & dad with their will & "tangible property list", and it is difficult. What they think is a certain value, is probably out-dated. But they are so intent on making it "equal".....I wish I could videotape it all, with closeups of their faces as they frown and weigh it back and forth, and try so very hard to avoid disappointing anyone.
Its all just stuff anyhow. Lets remember the hugs and shared memories.

I can understand your feelings because I have similiar feelings about my mom. She lives with my husband and I. She has lived here for the past 4 yrs and we have taken 100% care of her. Before that she and dad both lived with us for 3 more years. So mom has been with us for a total of 7 years. She pays us nothing at all and pays no expenses to live here and never has. This has taken a huge toll on me and my husband's health. Now, the part that bothers me is that I have four brothers who never visit and hardly ever calls her and she has one of them on her bank account as beneficiary. It is not much money, a couple thousand but again it is the principle of the thing. I feel like if she is going to do that, it should be me, to repay me for all the work and expenses we have incurred for her benefit. I don't understand it. I mentioned it to her and she said that I sound like I am taking care of her just to get something out of it. Really? She could really think that we have given up our entire lives for a couple dollars. That is a roll in the floor laughing joke. This brother got so much of my dads belongings including a necklace that I begged for and I found out later that he got all of dads jewelery, his four wheeler, everything he could get out of her. Since then, he has nothing to do with her. Grrrr....

Correction on one part of my post.... I meant to say that I agree with Kerfuffle32's Bullet #3, although I also believe that Bullet #4 (as well as the other bullets) holds true.

Kerfuffle32: Some good points and perspectives on the leaving of assets to family. It appears from the various posts here that each of your four points has touched many of posting in this thread. My dad certainly fits into your 2nd bullet. And, I definitely also agree with Bullet #4 based on things posted in this thread and things that friends have told me. What we all need to realize is that the owner of the trust or will not only has the right to do what they want with their assets, whether or not we deem it fair, but that these elderly folks will do what they're going to do, even when it makes no sense to others. Also, unfortunately the standards for testing mental competence are deploringly low and estate attorneys don't take the time to do some further questioning and investigation to hear another side of the story (and, that's probably not their job). As a result, it allows demented people to change their estate plans on a whim based on their own delusions. In my opinion, it's probably better for adult children to assume that their elderly parents will leave them nothing and lower their expectations to zero for their elderly parents/relatives in all areas, from estate plans to the way they treat their adult children. In that way, when the delusional and demented elderly parent decides to leave certain family members out of a will, with zero expectations there should be little disappointment. Yes, you may feel rejected. But, don't take it personally. Just remember the source and that that source is demented and/or mentally ill.

Wow some good comments there. Just sad.

Unfortunately, the discussion about what Mom would do with her money came way too late. Should have been done long before there was any question about dementia.

As a clergyman, I have noted that:
1. If there is a dollar left over relatives will fight over it, often resulting in life-long hurt.
2. Some people use their final distribution of assets as one last opportunity to reward and punish. I was the executor of one woman's estate in which she left one son $1,000 and the other boy got $200,000.

3. Some seniors use the distribution of their wealth to help the most needy in the family--not to the ones who loved and helped the most.

4. Some use their last will and testament as a way to assuage guilt--guilt for not having been a better parent or grandparent, etc. One woman I knew left all her wealth to a grandson who was in prison. She was trying to make up for not helping him more early in his life.
Every blessing

126Cher: I'm sorry that your dad has been so miserable to both you and your mom. And, for the way that your dad has mistreated both you and your mom, I don't blame you for being done. It's sad when a parent breaks their loved ones' hearts and worse to know that they don't care that they're doing this. It sounds like you've been a good daughter toward both parents and have tried to help them out in many ways. Your dad sounds worse than mine. While the dynamics of my parents' marriage was always weird and they both treated each other with disrespect, neither of them let that disrespect seep over into how they treated my sister and me. In fact, in my dad's younger years he was a caring dad who always had my sister's and my backs and treated us well and with kindness, sincerely showing his love for us even if he couldn't show it for my mom. However, starting in his late 60s, my dad's disrespect and a level of mistreatment started to seep toward the rest of the family (i.e., my sister and her family and my family and me), gradually worsening over the years. While he totally ignored his family and mistreated us, he's been able to treat non-family members who don't challenge or confront him with love and respect that he's no longer able to show his own family. His mistreatment and nastiness super escalated when my mom had her stroke and resulting dementia 10 years ago. Granted, he had essentially lost his wife and partner in life to dementia, but his mistreatment and controlling behavior first toward my mom then me (my sister passed away 22 yrs ago) were uncalled for. Like your dad, my dad tried to block and sabotage aspects of my mom's care and was always crying poverty and asking for my financial assistance saying he couldn't afford my mom's care, yet could go out and buy himself a whole new wardrobe which he had little to no need for. I reported my dad's requests to me for financial assistance to his financial advisor who told me that my dad was inappropriate for doing this since he had the financial resources to adequately cover both my mom's care and his own living expenses for quite awhile. Fortunately, my mom had a care manager (since I live so far away from my parents) who didn't put up with my dad's trying to block my mom's care and told him off and made sure my mom got the care she needed. My dad has become a very nasty old man and like your dad, has turned against me and broken my heart many times for a long time, but especially over these past 7 -8 years with both his bad mouthing of me to people in his community years and also his betrayal and family disloyalty. When I was forced to limit communications with him to writing and keep arm's length from him and his life in the wake of his portraying me to authorities as his elder abuser, meddler, etc. 2 years ago, I started to heal from his mistreatment toward my mom and me. I've had a little set back upon learning that in writing me out of his part of the will and leaving all of my parents' community property to a non-family member group. But, I'll get over this knowing that he's out of my life now. Like you, I'm done.

Best of luck with your situation with your parents. I hope that it all turns out well for you and that you'll be able to completely step away and start to heal from your dad's abuse.

Hi rr4terps, I feel the same about my Dad. He has mistreated my Mother for more than 66 years. Now blocking her care at the age of 89. He even complains when she takes a shower about the water bill. Turns against me when I try to help. I am finished. My heart also broken by him many times in the last 60 years I have been on this earth. Let lighting strike me dead before I do that to my daughter or husband. Both parents about to turn 90 now and both have dementia. Done

Ditto for me suezq32 and palmtrees1--- I agree with both of you. I will not do to my children and grandchildren what my miserable father has done to me in removing me from his part of the family trust. Fortunately, I'm left my mom's part of the trust and have some personal things of hers that she cherished. These items transcend the boundary of death and will forever, until my dying day keep that link between my mom and me alive, then be passed down through the generations. As far as my dad is concerned, I don't want anything that he has laid his dirty hands on or has been a part of. I know that I was the best daughter I could be to both parents and helped them out, so can be at peace with myself from this aspect. I don't need my dad and don't have to put up with his lies and betrayal of me. As far as I'm concerned, he can go to h*ll and rot there for eternity.

palmtrees1, I totally agree! I don't want my children to ever think that I loved one more than the other, I love all my children the same and leaving one out of the will for some personal reason of my own, may cause hurt feelings and possible problems between each other afterwards. Don't want that happening. I do agree with the person who has spent lots of money trying to get her grandchild away from an abusive situation, leave her share to the grandchild, but if you have other children please don't punish them for another siblings choices in life! Yes, life isn't fair, but as a parent if I have the possibility of making one last effort to be fair, I'm going to do it!

Kashi60, sorry to hear one of your brothers doesn't feel the need to help. As the parent of three children I intend to leave what I have left to all three girls regardless of who helps or not. I want them to have a good relationship when I am gone or at least not have a bad one due to my behavior.

Some of us can't help, some choose not to help and some are prevented from helping due to drama in the family. I just feel you give what you have to your children because they are your children. Plain and simple. But none of my children have done anything to be disinherited and when you leave one child out of the will you are dis inheriting them legally.

I certainly don't think parents should leave their estate to the most needy child/grandchild/etc. I think they should repay the children that helped out the most. In my family there are 5 of us and 4 of us are helping my parents out with everyday living chores. My sister and I take them to appointments, house clean, etc. My two brothers help out with yard/maintenance work around their house. One brother does nothing But my parents believe in fairness and will leave everything to all 5 of us equally.

Mom1of6. if brother wants the mobile home sold to get the money then let him sell it. You and your sibs shoild take what you want of your mothers and then he can clean the rest out and do the selling himself or hire a realtor especially if Mom owned the land too

Depending on how young the grandchild is I do agree that adult children, need to be handed the money in amounts, like a family that has a trust account for a child. or adult child. It is really easy in those years if the money is given to you not to understand the concept of hard work, and that would really be sad to see the money she wanted to go to one person, just gone out the window. Not assuming, just a comment.

But, I do understand your first emotion, and you are entitled to it, regardless of your mother, but I do think, if she is cognitive enough, to maybe go back with the approach someone stated above. It is obvious the way you are writing you are very sincere.

The best of luck.

help2day I hear what your saying and totally agree CPS does not do their job or at least the courts don't let them do their job. And yes the courts do everything in their power to keep children with the mother. I have spent untold thousands of dollars trying to get him out of that house to no avail. What did happen is they moved with him 1700 miles away so I couldn't see or be with him. They gave out of money and had to move back locally with my ex. I have been able to get it to where there are CPS workers in their home regularly and I get him every week end and I work it into my conversation's of how things are going at home and when I help him get ready for bed I'm looking for bruises. Also I had a complete burn out with the step dad and told him you lay a hand on my grandson one more time and I'm not going to CPS I'm coming for you ass....along with a few other choice words (I am not by nature a violent person) For some strange reason he backed down his whole demeanor changed. It was the strangest thing even my grandson told me he's being nice to me now. But back to the topic at hand...........not leaving money equally to children.....I think everyone has their reason's for whom they choose to leave their money too. One way too look at it is I have spent my third child's share trying to protect her son from her and his step dad and there will be nothing coming to her as I said it will go to her son he sooooo deserves it and more.

If anyone knows in advance about a will's provisions and doesn't like it, it's sort of unethical to try to talk to them to get it to change....UNLESS you can ge them to see how it will make the Executor's job very difficult. I am Excutor for my folks (still alive) and based on the tantrums expressed over the phone by several siblings, i can already see how difficult my job will be. It would be even worse if folks cut them out of Will (as they felt they should, after receiving such dis-honoring phone calls & letters). The only solution I can see is to make a videotape of them explaining their Will. They themselves saying "I am going to remove Johnny and Susie from inheriting anything, because they hardly ever came to visit us or call, and our last phone calls they were very rude to us."
I'm going to suggest this to my parents as a way to keep the "peace" and will make multiple copies of this tape kept in several locations.

My mother told me for the longest time that she wants to leave her mobile home to one of my brothers (I have 2 bros. and 3 sis.). She asked if I would make sure he got it. I said I would do the best I could and it was her decision. She didn't care how anyone else would feel, it is what she wanted to do and I told her it was her choice. Mom passed away on Oct. 5 in an unfortunate accident. One of my sis. accused me of trying to get the mobile home for 20 years. I wrote to her and told her mom's choice was to give it to one of my brothers and that my share was to go directly to him, not anyone else, that is what mom wanted. My other brother is doing the same and now that sis. is giving her share (she knows I am right, though, she still accuses me of trying to be sneaky about it). I don't care that mom wanted to give it to my brother, it is her choice. The other 2 sis. want their money (of course). To top it all, my brother asked me to sell it and get what I can in the shortest amount of time possible, and the other two are trying to get me to do more than I should with my time (my brother wants it done now). They haven't done a thing to help. So, yes it was mom's mobile home and if this is what she wanted , so be it. I'm ok with it. you should be, also. This is something she could do in her life that has real meaning. She grew up in Japan on the streets, no parents since she was 2 yrs. old and lived wherever she could to survive. As she passed on due to negligence of the caregiver, all I could do is what she asked me to do. You must accept the fact that life may not be fair, but life goes on and be grateful for the time your mom spent with you. Life is short, too short, esp. for those you love.

126Cher: I also like the way your friend's wife thinks. Another twist on this concerning the money part would be to divide it all up evenly among the adult children and grandchildren, rather than assuming that the adult children will automatically leave this money to their kids. In this way, everyone gets the same amount and the adult children would later have the choice to either leave their share of the inheritance to either their own children or to charities. Hopefully, nobody would feel cheated. Up until my dad wrote me out of his part of his will, my parents did the same thing as your friend's wife and a previous poster in terms of leaving it up to the beneficiary of their trust to leave things to their (my parents') grandkids. Now that my dad has decided to leave his part of the trust (money and tangible items, including community property shared by both of my parents) to a non-family group, there will be very little in the way of tangible items that I'll be able to pass down to my kids and grandkids as a memento of my parents. In actuality, if the terms of the family trust were being followed as stipulated (and, since I'm not privy to my dad's trust, I don't know why the terms of the family trust aren't being followed and why my dad's estate attorney has allowed this), my dad should be splitting the community property in half, with half going into my mom's estate (which I inherit) and the other half going into his estate. I can't do much about this and can only hope that the non-family beneficiary will show some respect and empathy for my position as my family's sole survivor. But, I'm not counting on anything given how disrespectfully I've been treated by people, in general, in my dad's town over the past several years. My dad has done a great job of bad mouthing me in that community. So, I'm keeping my expectations to zero, while keeping my fingers crossed to at least get the family photo albums. I can't see what value these albums would have to non-family members who don't know the majority of the people in the photos since they were taken years before my parents retired and associated with the beneficiary group. But, as I've stated before, it's my dad's choice because, theoretically these are his possessions to do with as he chooses. Yes, it is hurtful and I'll be angry if the beneficiary group refuses to give me these albums and some other very personal items that have significance and value to only a family member. But, I'm bracing myself for having to get over it and move on. With the crap my dad has pulled on me over these past 6 or so years, I'll be so glad when he's gone. He definitely has become a stranger to me, someone I no longer recognize, and someone I just can no longer love.

In terms of tangible items: One thing my mother-in-law did over many years, while she was alive and well and still living independently, was to give specific items of hers to family members (her kids, grandkids, nieces, nephews, me) that she wanted to have and enjoy those items as mementos of her after she was gone. Then, for items that she still wanted to enjoy but wanted to pass down to specific people, she put a sticky label containing the name of the beneficiary of those items on the bottom of the item. When it came time to move her out of her home into a facility, we looked for the labels and distributed accordingly. Anything without labels, she told us was up for grabs. Everyone got what they wanted in terms of the tangibles and there were no arguments or hurt feelings. I've read that putting labels on things isn't a good way to do this. Rather, a tangible property list naming specific items and beneficiaries should be incorporated as part of the will/trust. This is what my husband's and my estate atty has suggested and what we'll do. But, the labels worked nicely in my mother-in-law's case. This may be an idea for someone who doesn't have a will.

I'm a little confused by something said by PCVS. Because someone said "it isn't about the money," therefore it is about the money. Does the opposite apply? If one says, "it is about the money," does that mean it isn't about the money? Or does one never mention money at all because one supposedly doesn't think about it? That sounds like hypocrisy spiraling out of control. The fact is that there are plenty of people in the world, relatives and non-relatives, who do their best to get money they never earned via loans they never can or will or intend to pay back, scheming to be the last person to speak to an elderly person, etc. etc. And elderly people do often encourage people to act that way by perhaps promising their money, houses etc. to dozens of people and changing their wills on a whim one time after another. When those kinds of behaviors come up, it's hard to keep one's head and heart straight. Personally, I feel that any child who takes on the care of an elderly person should be given the same amount that the nursing home would have gotten (assuming they did as good a job as the nursing home, and that should be monitored for all kinds of reasons.) THEN the decedent estate should be divided pretty close to equally assuming no incapacitated child or grandchild. If there is an incapacitated child or grandchild, the money should be given to that child in trust with anything left over after that incapacitated family member's death to the rest of the heirs equally. There is such a thing as a spendthrift trust where use of the trust funds can be restricted to necessities of life, not gambling and drinking etc. Such a trust also prevents creditors from accessing the trust to pay debts for non-necessities. Of course, every situation is different, esp. with multiple marriages, numerous step- and half-siblings, some of whom might have very different expectations due to the different financial status of non-common parent, surviving widows/widowers who favor their own for no reason except that THEY like own more than they like the children of the decdent's ex. And so many families ARE dysfunctional these days. What is to be expected in 40 years of the ten-year-old whose grandmother believes in need of CPS intervention? Should that child be condemned for not taking care of his mother? If his mother has another child, what kind of fair treatment can any of her children anticipate? Not every decedent becomes a saint just because he or she died. Not every child who "never" calls gets disinherited, not every child who waits on elderly parents gets rewarded. And that's without even talking about dementia. Probably long conversations with ethical advisors and counselors would help.

I took care of my mother for seven years. She was 92 years old when she died. I wanted to help her and please her at the very best that I could, but I seemed to always do the wrong thing. I took it personally, which I should not have. After a long bout of deep depression, I realized this was geriatics and nothing personal. When people are old, everything is for THEM. They must be first in all things. So maybe that what happened to your mother. She really loves you, but demands ALL your attention. As for the money, my mother had a sizeable estate (for us, anyway). There was a list of every thing she wanted to go to whom. My sister and brother did nothing to help me. In fact, my brother did not come to see her for three years, and borrowed a sizeable amount of money from her and we ( sister and me) knew nothing about it. When she left her home and we divided her things, my sister talked Mother into giving her sterling silver flatware to her son instead of my brother to whom it was promised and written in paper. She also did the same thing to me when Mother had called and asked my daughter to take some very expensive glassware. So be careful when there are others
involved. I should have put my foot down and refused any of that happening, but I wanted peace above all!

I am now the caregiver for my 84 year old husband who has Alzheimer's disease and in poor health myself. Are my children there to really help? Not really. Mom and Dad are at the bottom of needs. I just don't want to go down that dark hole of depression again, and I don't want you there either.

PLEASE take care of yourself and get some time away. Tell others and your mother you just are not available to do whatever!!! BE STRONG. THERE IS A WORD IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE THAT WE ARE OFTEN AFRAID TO USE. NOOOOO!

God Bless!!!

I had this discussion with mom years ago.

She told me she was splitting the estate up as follows: money split between her children and personal belongings divided among her kids and grandkids. I saw a problem with the monetary split because I didn't/don't want the bulk percentage of the financial gain which is how she set up the inheritance between her kids.

I expressed to my mother that she should extend some financial inheritance to her grandkids. She didn't want to because the only 2 that seemed to give her any acknowledgement and visit her often are my kids. I understood her POV and expressed an option to give each of my girls a monetary percentage by breaking up my total current percentage. (Ie: Even if by the time mom passes and the bulk of her estate is 10 dollars...that ten spot would be split 5 ways.). She gave it some thought and ended up seeing that as a nice option and therefore changed her will henceforth.

She will also have a Codicil listing her material possessions she wants each grandchild to have from her 'estate'. This way we all benefit from my mom's estate be it financial or material property. Material possessions become antiquated heirlooms to be cherished and kept and passed down to future generations. Thus these hold more monetary sentimental value than any financial percentage ever can.

I cannot condemn, nor condone, what your mother has done within her will. I can only hope that after you read my comment you can find a way to discuss the logic of the issue with your mom without offending her original decision. Try to understand the logic behind your moms POV and decision to only give the money to your nephew. Instead of condemning her verbally for it...ask her about her other grandkids and how she feels about her own kids and if she would work with you to create a codicil with her material possessions(jewelry, furniture, china, crystal, Quilts, artwork, etc, etc) and list family members(kids and grandkids) and whom gets what of her estate and what can be 'sold at estate auction'. Like you said..money isn't something you need and perhaps the rest of your siblings and their kids also think this and would welcome the material antiques and sentimental remembrances they bring moreso than fighting over the money that she may seriously insist on giving her grandson and never change her mind about.

I have two thoughts. I don't know how old the youngest is, but is it possible that she feels that he didn't benefit from her presence as much as the others - you and the older grandchildren? Perhaps this is her way of compensating. The other thought is that do you know if her memory of her will is valid? Both of my parents, even before my mom was diagnosed with dementia, used to say things about their wills. I never knew what to believe because it changed from time to time. During a recent visit (I live out of town), I asked my Dad if we could actually meet with his attorney to review paperwork so that I knew what to expect in the future. I do have POA, so maybe that made my request more sensible. But he had no issue setting things up for the meeting. At that point, I finally learned what the true story about the will was. It was also a good thing we went because his signature was missing from some other paperwork that required him to sign off. I also was put in touch with their financial planner who explained to me that if they both lived another 5 or 6 years and needed to be in an institution during that time, the money could run out. They're in their mid 80's now, so it's a possibility, although a small one. So now I know that despite what was said earlier that there may not even be money there to disperse. And if there is, I know exactly how the money will split up. Dementia can make people say a lot of mean and often incorrect things. Try not to be hurt, although I know it can be extremely painful. There's no way of knowing whether she actually knew what she had signed off on or her reasons for doing so.

Oh, and I also forgot to mention, emotional abuse is almost as bad as physical abuse. What your grandson is experiencing now will undoubtedly follow him the rest of his life. He is only 10 years old. I hope and pray he will get the help his needs and deserves. You are a loving grandmother.

Pinky1 -- you are between a rock and a hard place. Thank the Lord your grandson has you to watch over him. You are his lifeline to a sane existence. How he is allowed to live with a mentally-ill mother and her abusive husband is unconcionable from Child Protective Services. Having your daughter enrolled in a "program" (which I'm thinking is a parenting program) and all is forgotten is horrible.

The states are always crying "we don't have enough case workers, etc. etc." but the fact is that case workers are not given the power to remove children except in the most egregious cases. The mentality of CPS is to return the child to their biological parent at all costs, enrolliing them in parenting classes and hopefully "following up" with their caseload. It's a horrible situation.

I'm not trying to make you feel guilty, but I agree with Veronica91. She said, "$1 mil is not going to do him any good if he's dead." There have been several cases recently in my State where children were returned to their abusive parents over and over again by CPS and they ended up dead. Well-meaning and concerned grandparents were reporting the abuse to the state's 1-800 hotline which was, in turn, "supposed" to get the information down to the local CPS authorities. Over and over they reported. Everybody blamed everybody else (bureaucratically) and the cases fell through the cracks. The public was outraged and demanded reform from CPS (which supposedly is happening now) but the sad fact of the matter is that 3 children are dead -- three innocent children who had no voice to help them.

If it were me (and again, this is suggested with love), I would move heaven and earth and do everything in my power (using my $1 mil in resources) to get that child away from his so-called parents. Get a child advocate attorney. Yes, it is extremely difficult, but don't give up. Your grandson's life depends on it. Please let us know what happens. We are here for you.

Veronica91 trust me I have done everything I knew to do I wish I could say Child Protective Services does a great job but the truth is they don't. It is beyond impossible to get a child from the birth mother. All she has to do is enroll in a "program" and all is forgotten. I have managed to stop the abuse last year and I keep a close watchful eye on things. As for her I'm over her not being responsible for her actions because "she's sick". I think the biggest injustice our society makes is giving people a "get outta jail free card" when they have a mental illness. There are medication's that can help tremendously but when you refuse help refuse the medication then yes you are accountable for your actions. I would have taken him in a minute but she would never allow it or I should say they would never allow it. Mentally ill people don't think of what's good or the right thing to do they many times only think of themselves. And yes my money benefits him now I pay for all his cloths, field trips, birthday parties, private school, and anything else he needs. I have had to seek counseling for myself over the years to cope with this and have had to choke it down that there is nothing else I can do. My other children know what's going on they were raised with her and are very familiar with how life is with her and have cut off ties with her. And I keep my distance except when it comes to my grandson. You need to understand how life is with a mentally ill person that wont get help. They will drain you pull you down with them take the life right outta you. For me it was a conscious choice to emotionally separate from her and that took a lot a time and counseling for me. But I'm so ok with the choice if I never saw her again it would be a happy day.

My FIL was very frugal and had good savings and life insurance with each son as a beneficiary. BIL and mostly SIL have supervised their care in their later years and had been closer living in the same country. Estate was to be divided equally between brothers and wives got a relatively small bequest. Towards the end FIL who was still totally competent said he wanted to leave 75% to BIL as he needed it more and 25% to hubby. We were in dire finacial condition at the time but to his extreme credit BIL refused to help make those changes because he felt that was unfair. That legacy has allowed us to pay huge debts and have a comfortable but modest retirement. In those bad days I can not tell you the fear with which I picked up the mail each day. We would have managed somehow but it would have been a struggle. One of our children who has been more sucessful that the others and is also very generous and would help anyone in the family. She has worked very hard for her sucess but is not in any way selfish.

Pinky have you considered reporting the treatment of your grandson to child pretection services. Knowing about it and doing nothing makes you just as guilty. $1 mil is not going to do him any good if he's dead. How are your other kids going to feel?
Your daughter has a severe mental illness and due to that has made poor decisions. She is mentally ill and not responsible for her actions. The child should be removed. Are you prepared to care for him and give him the benefit of that money during his formative years.

I have 3 children two of them have jobs, purchased homes, money in savings and relationships with other like people. The third child has done none of the above she was diagnosed with bipolar disorder/manic depression when she was a teenager she will not take her medication most of the time, blames everyone in the world for her not having anything. Through the years of raising her she stole from me lied to me done things I can even speak of. She married a worthless bum whom doesn't work they live with my ex and she has allowed her husband to abuse my grandson (her child from a previous boyfriend) for years. I have a will and a trust and have left her nothing instead I left it to her son, my grandson. The only regret I have is that I wont be around to see her and her husbands face when they find out they get nothing and the child they so mistreated gets it a little over one million. I have assigned a trustee to over see it so they can't get their hands on it. I have cried so many tears for and with my grandson over the years he is 10 now and always I tell him everything will work out you will be ok I promise. So I don't feel that children should always get equal shares. I feel they should get what's coming to them sometimes.

If you didn't care about the money, you wouldn't have brought it up saying over and over how it isn't about the money. Of course it is about the money. What about the rest of her possessions? Frankly, I think she should use the money for herself and give the rest to a favorite charity. Unless one of those charities is a family member.

And people worrying about how other people use an inheritance should stop being so judgemental. What you are really saying is that you should have gotten the money, not you siblings or others.

On the other hand, there is no money in my situation, my mother is on medicaid. My parents never really had any money so perhaps I can be less blinded by cash.

We have a friend who had 6 children. 5 girls and 1 boy. All adults now, some doing very well and some doing very poorly finanally. Some with children of their own and some without. Their children at opposite ends of the bell shaped curve. The wife always said that it did not matter how they were doing but what you do for one you do for all. Period. She agreed with the above poster saying that the money should be evenly divided between all her 6 children. Then the children should give the money and possesions to their own children as they saw fit to remember Grand-Ma and Grand-Dad. If they had no grand-children by one child that child would not get less. It would still be divided 6 ways. I like the way the wife thinks alot. I understand why the person who posted this question is hurt. It seems like the child who does the most for the elderly parents is the one who the parents turns against the most. The more you do the more the parent with dementia hurts that person. I think that it has a lot to do with dementia, this type of dehavior. By using the above formula it prevent family wars and hurts.