Mom is leaving her money (not much) to her youngest grandson. She has 3 children and 3 grandchildren. Any advice?

There is no edit so I just want to add that my Mom always knew and said that I was a very generous person ... and she knew that I did not care about money.

Is this something that she did a while back when she was competent enough to make a will? Or is this something that has come into her head recently and that she actually has no ability to act on?

Did you ask her what her reasoning was? Is that nephew disabled in some way? Look, it is HER money. Most of us don't care for our elders in the hope of monetary compensation. But if in fact, you've been spending YOUR money on her care, you need to step back from that and legitimately ask for reimbursement of what you are laying out, going forward. My opinion.

Why is she leaving all her money to her youngest grandson? Is he having a hard time? Has he had a hard time? Does he need the help? Has he been exceptionally kind to her?

I'd probably be hurt, too, Joanie. I think that's a natural emotion. I'd feel MUCH worse, though, if she were leaving her $$ to any of your siblings and not to you. This seems to be more of a need-based decision than anything else.

I could almost hear someone who'd made that decision saying, "Look, it's not a lot of money; and I know you don't need it. But for Tommy? That money will make SUCH a big difference in his life. I hope you know I love you and understand..."

It's pretty obvious from what you're saying that her decision isn't "a vote against you." It's a helping hand to a young man. If it makes her feel good about herself, then that's what she should do. And you really ought to try to come to terms with it.

When, at some future time, YOU come face to face with your own mortality, you may better understand...

Something else to consider, if he is disabled in some way, she really needs to leave it in special needs trust or it will disqualify him from certain means - tested aid programs.

When my Mom's parents had passed on, the bulk of their estate was given equally to all us 8 grandchildren, which took us by surprise. My Mom's parents did have saving accounts for their 6 own children so it wasn't like they went without.

One of my Aunt's was very upset, but I understood why my grandparents divided the estate they way they did.... this Aunt lost money gambling... therefore, my grandparents would have found it very awkward to give 5 of the children more money than the 6th child... thus the reason for the grandchildren to get the bulk.

I am not saying this is the case with JoanieJ's family, but it give you an idea why some estates are divided the way they are.

i think its a bad decision because i dont believe assets should be left to a favorite child or one in most need . id want my assetd left to the one ( s ) most likely to use them wisely and use them to influence and pass my life philosophies on to future generations .
one of my sisters recieved a home and property . it will eventually be mortgaged to a loan shark . another recieved appr 10 k in cash . she bought a vehicle that will be toast in 5 years . im using my cash inheritance to dig in to a home that will be here for my sons as long as i live and probably long thereafter . my sons cant test out their wings if they dont have an emergency landing strip .

I watched my husband's grandmother go through this - and I just wish that she had left her money, to whom she wanted. It was her money. I hope that I pay for my funeral arrangements and leave money to whom I want, not whom I am forced to.

You have to seperate money from love. It's almost impossible because in the world we live in money equates to love. My Dad's generation, growing up in the depression, believes you help the most needy. Try to explain to her the hurt this will cause to the grandkids. If she protests just let it go. Sounds like she is a loving giving person. She must have her reasons

Encourage her to leave it all to Charity, because that will prevent any family fights and you don't care about the money.

Pam, I remember reading that couple of the billionaires here in the States are leaving all their money to charity :)

Is this one nephew the youngest, or perhaps the weakest, or for some reason could she have deemed him the most in need of help? Maybe he has flaky, ill, or lower income parents?
Sometimes the stronger, more successful, more giving person gets passed over because they are less needy, not less worthy or less loved.

You were so hurt that it didn't cross your mind to ask why she had singled out this particular grandson? - because that would have been my first thought.

I know exactly why my mother favors one of my kids, a little more. He looks and acts like my father. That would be Mother's ex, but in her old age she is mellowing.

It is NOT about the money. She is leaving it to my brother's son, a 9 year old boy. She has given all the money to my brother to hold. It is for the 9 year old's college education. There is no will. Who needs it the most? I guess my other brother (not the one with the son).
My point is that my husband and I have conttibuted to her support for many years and are doing so now. We DONT care about the money. It is the hurt of being left out.
Maybe I am just making no sense here. I am not asking her to give me any of her money to help with her support. If it were me, I would leave the money equally to my three children (she has 3 children and 3 grandchildren). If she were to leave any to me, I would use it all for final expenses.

What I told my mother, at first, was I thought it was rather unfair. Then she said what she said about being in a box and I am thinking about her money and THAT is what really hurt the most because all of my life I have given and given to my Mom, and she KNOWS that I don't care about the money. It is an emotional hurt that I cannot quite put my finger on. I do understand all your responses.

Okay, let's back up here. Your mother has "gifted" money to your brother to be used for his son's college education? This is not a good thing. What if she needs to go into a nursing home at some point? She will be disqualified from recieving Medicaid assistance if that happens; there is a five year "lookback" for gifts.

I completely understand your hurt, Joanie. It's not about the money, it's about the injustice of it. She has other grandchildren, some of them yours, yes? I emphathize with your feelings. If you want a good laugh and a good cry, see if you can get a copy of Roz Chast's new book, Can't We Talk About Something More Pleasant?". It's an expensive book, so try the library. It'll validate your feelings about all that is going on in your life.

ba8alou
Yes, two are mine but that does not matter. They are doing very well, grown in their 30;s (my bother married and had child very late in life). Previously, my mother had said to me once: I am going to leave it to all 3 of you (the children),but would you give your share to your brothers? And I said yes, because I knew they both needed it more than me. Now the one with child is doing much better than at that time. It makes no difference. She has changed it all ... it is unjust and she just does not see this. She says to me "well you don't need it". Okay. Also, she is always applauding my brothers, saying how much they love her and how good they are and that I am the one who always upsets her. I am the only one who will listen to her. Not my brothers nor my husband. They are on and off the phone in 2 minutes flat ... do not want to hear it. I listen, but always ... always ... I say the wrong thing (not meaning to) and I am the bad guy. Either I have changed dramatically or she has. Sometimes, I do get angry; often I am just shocked and have no idea what I have said of done to make her so angry. I try to explain what I really meant and she just gets angrier and she is ALWAYS right. I am always wrong. Maybe it is dementia, but I am having the hardest time seeing that. She told me "I don't tell your brothers all my problems because I don't want to upset them". I come to you because you understand. On the other hand, she is keeping information from them that they would need to know (one brother makes health care decisions and takes her to doctor). He needs to know. He will not listen to me. Oh what a complicated thing a dysfunctional family is.

I will look for the book. I am sure that I play a role in her being this upset, but I am always confused as to how I do it most of the time. Some of the time, I see that I am getting angry. Especially when she accuses me of being a "smart a**" when I am only trying to expain something,, etc. Sorry this turned into a ran. I will have to get the book. Is this demenia then ... them being angry and thinking YOU are the angry one and then YOU betting angry because of being accused?

JoanieJ I think some of it is dementia. The clue to me is your mom's temper and irrational anger at you. I think you're looking for a kind of emotional support from your mom that she can no longer give you because of her mental state and cognitive ability.

I see something similar in my mom. Her ability to comment on emotional situations is really limited and she always gives one or two responses to new situations. It's because she's lost the ability to think in any real depth. It's sad, because I always would share stuff with my mom to hear her thoughts. Now I share because I'm her only contact with the outside world and I'm trying to keep her engaged. But her responses to me are limited. I'm sad for what she's lost.

Cognitive decline can take many different forms, but I think that's what you're seeing in your mom and if it is, she can't help it. You have to re-frame your expectations and realize she's lost her ability to be 100% rational or to act in a way that makes sense given the situation. When you come to that understanding, a lot of your frustration/hurt will go away. Hugs to you.

Joanie, it sounds like your mother has a lifelong pattern of not being straightforward, of being rather manipulative. Her decision isn't based on anything logical, it sounds like a ploy to get people upset (mainly, you).

My sig other's grown and married daughter keeps telling her Dad who to include and not include in his Will. She doesn't realize that every time she does that, he reduces the percentage that she will get and he adds that percentage to the grandchildren's side which is in a form of a 20 year Trust.

As I understand it, this is a question of a legacy to be left in Joanie's mother's will. No Medicaid problem, and may she never need it.

But Joanie, I'd back up a bit too. First of all: yes I do understand your hurt feelings, they're very natural. But, while natural, they are along the lines of "It's Not Fair!!!" - and you're too big for that.

How do you think your mother felt about your initial reaction to her idea? My interpretation is that she was disappointed, and reacted in turn by saying something unkind and unfair - that you were more concerned about getting your paws on the money than the fact that at the time she'd be in a wooden box. I don't suppose for a second that she meant any part of that accusation; she was, essentially, reprimanding you.

Go further back, to where she was coming up with this wheeze. She has a parcel of money that is not going to go all that far, and that split six ways, roughly, won't make much difference to anyone. Or, I assume she thought, she could target the whole lot at one good cause, where it might make more of a difference. It's a point of view. Could it make a major difference to this particular child's prospects?

I don't know whether you want to take the subject up with your mother again - as you say, it is a ticklish point at the best of times - but if you do, first of all focus on what she's trying to achieve. As you say, and I'm convinced you mean it, it isn't about the money, it's about the recognition. What about the idea of your mother selecting particular keepsakes for her children and grandchildren, and setting those choices down in a statement of wishes to be attached to her will?

I understand that sharing things equally is the ideal, but as King Solomon demonstrated that doesn't always quite work in practice. If I were you I'd go back and try to see your mother's point of view. I expect she'd like your approval.

Wish I had not posted this. It was misunderstood. Countrymouse, you understand nothing about it.

And Countrymouse, that is not your fault. When we post here, to strangers, just a few words, they have no idea the past of our lives, the kind of relationship we have had with a parent. And, no my mother was never the type to try to hurt anyone. I believe she may think what she is doing ... giving this money to the grandson for his future college eduation is the right thing to do. Fine. Her decision. Her money. I really don't care. But I do have the right to care if I am being hurt ... we are never too old for that. What Blannie said strikes me as the most understandable thing and that is: "I cannot expect ot have the relationship I had with my mother all her life prior to this illness messing her up".
That is the TRUE LOSS and the ONLY LOSS that really matters. And that is where the hurt is really all coming from.
So Blannie, you nailed it!

Too many hurt feelings no matter what you do.

I am only child and my parents have a large estate that will be mind once they both pass on.... honestly, I wished my parents would have spent it on themselves, like hire someone to do all their driving instead of stressing me out with the driving, I am now to a point where I hate getting behind the wheel even for myself. Wished they would have hire someone to work around the house, do the cleaning, do the yard work, etc. instead of making me feel guilty because I have very little time to do that work for them. I even told my parents that with my health issues they would probably outlive me, so then what?

JoanieJ, I fully and truly understand where you are coming from. I have experienced the same sort of thing with my mother just different details. And it isn't about the money. It is about fairness, being treated equally and with respect. Your mom needs to divide what she has between her kids so they don't hate each other and carry on a fight into the next generation. It is as if you are being punished for being a good and loving daughter.

I know very few people who are not hurt when parents play favorites with their children or even grandchildren. I have talked to many people who have been devastated by a parent's insensitive catkins and remarks.

I live with this everyday due to my mother's selfish and heartless actions. Yes, dear, I truly understand your hurt.

"Actions" not "catkins", I hate this auto correct thingy.......argh

My only advice would be let it go. Feelings are neither right or wrong they just are. I can honestly give you this advice because my parents had three children, I am the baby and only daughter. One of my brother's passed away in 2008. My Dad has been gone for 2 years but before he left he bought a house, an a car (cash) for my oldest brother for when he and Mom are gone. Last year we had to qualify Mom for medicaid for long term care in a nursing home...we used an attorney that I have a professional relationship with. It was humiliating to have to show him the will and finances that I nor my daughter (only grandchild) are not a part of any of it. So I can tell you it is unhealthy to harbor feelings about what you cannot control....let it go before it destroys your relationships with your Mom and siblings. I have a guarded relationship with my Mom and brother as I cannot allow any more pain and that is painful as well I let it go a little to late! Best of luck~

It is her's to give as she wishes.
I will leave what I posses to my grandchildren too.

I had a similar situation. Did all the work, stayed close to her to take her to docs and be there when ever she needed me. Compromised my WHOLE life. She gave the most money to my brother who lives in another country... and visited her one weekend a month. Then she distributed an enormous amount to her 8 grandchildren and I received the least.

I noticed it too late. Started sitting down and talking with her about it. Pointed out what was happening. My brother needed it least and I needed it second least, so need was NOT our issue.

Seems she gave money to the ones who she wanted the most attention from... at least that's my guess. She often told me she didn't know what to do. Eventually she started to understand and even my brother helped her make some adjustments, but NOT anywhere near righting the imbalance.

In the end I managed the WHOLE estate. Did all the work to get her house emptied and sold. My brother and sister did NOT give me ONE single dime to thank me. They did say "thank you".

My assessment in retrospect:
I should have spoken up sooner.
I should have sat down with her and made the numbers clear to her.
Doing that repeatedly, kindly and often may have helped. It is the only possibility.

Later I went to a "co-dependents" meeting and as I listened to everyone around the table I had an enlightening thought! I realized that I was there for her because I wanted to be a good daughter. I wanted to be kind and I wanted to handle the estate my way. I worked hard all my life and I'm at peace with the decisions I made.

The ONE concern I have in your case... my mother's grandchildren were hurt by the gifting. The older ones were more mature and used it wisely... for their homes or businesses. The younger ones were only confused by it. In their 20s' the younger ones got a distorted perception of money and it is taking them YEARS to get back to reality. I now believe it is dangerous to give money to people who have not yet fully developed their own capabilities and careers. It is DAMAGING!

So, my advice to you is to find a financial advisor who you trust and who can help with the discussions about fairness. Even if you don't do that... sit down with her and talk with her. I can imagine being old and alone and not having anyone to talk with makes these decisions difficult for our remaining parent. Help her think it through and don't give up.

I wrongly wanted my mom to notice me and decide for herself. She finally did notice me in the end, but it was way too late to do anything about it. The good news is that financially, I really don't care. The good news is that I'm here to tell you, from my experience speak with her, be someone she can discuss it with, talk with her repeatedly. Revisit earlier dissuasions and help her think it through.

As for the billionaire who are leaving their money to charity, don't believe it. They have ALREADY given millions, in some cases many, many millions to their kids. Of course they need to leave the rest to charity. It's unfathomable how much money they have ...

Warren Buffet is leaving only 5% of his money to each child.

Hmmmm out of $40 billion that means he is ONLY leaving his kids $2 BILLION. Do the math and let's all work together to be sure we understand the WHOLE JOURNEY.