Follow
Share

Things are turning up missing in mom's home, she is 93 and a bit hard of hearing, and mobility issues, but is fully competent of knowing what she has and is going on. She appointed POA's, and has a Conservator for her money. These of course are good, and POA is not able to do anything to help when the mom doesn't want to start the ball rolling about doing the right thing for items she knows are turning up missing when certain people come to her home. The problem is she complains to no end about the problem, but when she is told how she can handle the situation, the brick wall goes up and those trying to help become a bit of the enemy. She has tried to confront the person(s) that are doing the stealing, however, they have now blocked her from communicating with them. Has anyone been in the situation where it has become a continual conversation of problem, but the aging parent won't do what is right because of fear of what the perpetrators will retaliate with. It is abuse and our system for elder abuse here is not seeing the whole picture as she is not considered to be in harms-way. So the stealing continues. Any suggestions?

Find Care & Housing
I'm amazed that so many of our elders are suffering abuse from their own children. :(

We installed cameras and changed some locks. That worked for a while.
Abusers always find a way to abuse and always find reasons to rationalize their violation of others.
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to Mariaic
Report

Just retracing a few steps, here.

Who has POA?
Who is the Conservator? - and is the Conservator also now her representative payee for her social security income?
Are these people either living with your mother or able to visit her frequently?

About the abusers. Here is what is troubling me. You say they are angry because they have had their $800 a month meal ticket taken away.

But we know on the forum that *another* thing that makes people very very angry indeed is being accused of abuse when they have been trying, as they see it, to help.

It may be all as you believe, I don't know. But I just want to add a note of caution. You are taking your mother's word for an awful lot of things in a pretty complicated picture, and making very serious accusations against someone who might, when you get to the bottom of everything, not be wholly to blame.

I mean - stole pillows??? A granddaughter who's into Big Band music? Really?

Your mother is very elderly, hard of hearing, and you know is losing some of her abilities. Don't let her remaining ability, which I agree sounds impressive, lull you into a false sense of security. Dementia is a sneaky beast that can hide for a long time. Believe her, yes; but verify anything that is really important. And beware that was she says to one person may be radically different from what she says to another.

I'm not ignoring what you say about the social security being unaccounted for - but unaccounted for is the point. You don't know what was done with the money, and just for example you don't know that it wasn't being used to cover grocery and other bills.

When items have gone missing, has anyone looked for them in the house?
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to Countrymouse
Report

Outright theft? This could be a police matter!
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to WizerOne
Report
worriedinCali Apr 2, 2019
the ”victim” wont cooperate though, did you read the entire thread?
(1)
Report
See 1 more reply
Accusations of elder abuse in Texas can be reported anonymously. A court can force an evaluation of her cognitive ability. If she is found competent there’s nothing you can do. But the test has to be an in/depth battery of tests, not a 30 minute conversation with a neurologist. Demand the extensive full battery of tests. She may fight you every step of the way, just like a two year old who doesn’t want to take a bath! If you really want to protect her you may have to just look like the bad guy for a while till you get things made right. Comes down to how hard are you willing to fight to protect het?
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to Genelda32
Report

Contact Protective Services
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to EllensOnly
Report

Are you sure she completely understands what is going on? Perhaps she is more forgetful than you are aware? Our elders can certainly fool us to believe what they want us to believe.
If she does yet still prefers not to confront the person try in home cameras.
You can’t make her act but I’d be proactive in making sure it doesn’t happen again.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to Shane1124
Report

Seriously. If you know who it is why arent you or somebody there when they turn up.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to PandabearAUS
Report
thingsarecrazy8 Mar 25, 2019
The person will only show up when it is known that no one else but her is around.
(0)
Report
See 2 more replies
I wonder if your mother is just overwhelmed about dealing with the process of reporting the thefts, and what might follow after that. Just the thought of uniformed police officers turning up to take a statement can be quite scary (I’ve been there, and yes it is). It might be worth thinking it all through yourselves, working out what you could do that wouldn’t leave her responsible for a difficult process, and talking it through with her, emphasising the support she would get and how little it would rest on her shoulders. What do you think ‘the perpetrators will retaliate with’? Think about that too, and how to get evidence of any retaliation. Perhaps who the perpetrators wouldn’t like to hear about the issue? Telling the guilty parties that she is ready to report might mean that it doesn’t happen again, particularly if the theft report is going to be joined with a report of intimidation. Yes, they should be brought to account for past thefts, but perhaps not at the expense of your mother’s peace of mind. Best just to frighten them off, if you can.
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to MargaretMcKen
Report
thingsarecrazy8 Mar 25, 2019
The perpetrator is vindictive, abusive and violent. Shows a sweet face and personality until the back is turned. Control is the main focus of the perpetrator. Won't accept no as an answer, and lies eloquently to make everyone else look bad. It is unknown if he has hit the elder, as she won't say, but when she has bruises and cuts, she expresses she hit her arm, leg, the cat scratched her and refuses medical treatment.
(0)
Report
See 1 more reply
NeedHelpWithMom: Lonliness? Perhaps, but we tried EVERYTHING to remedy my late mother living alone and in the end, I had to leave my home to move in with my mother. Stupidity? No; more like not caring. Oh, you best believe that dim-witted cleaning girl never entered my mom's house again because NO ONE CHEATED MY LATE MOTHER!!!!
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to Llamalover47
Report
NeedHelpWithMom Mar 23, 2019
Llama, I’m glad she was out of a job. We are all going to get old. My mom says it’s hell to get old. She’s right in some ways.

Young, old and animals are vulnerable. You know, God bless the beast and the children, well throw the elderly in there too, right?

So sorry she did that to your mom.
(1)
Report
I definitely agree with the suggestion to put in cameras (like nanny-cams) that can be hidden or disguised and I wouldn't tell mom where they are. It may be that once your brother and niece know they might be 'caught on tape' the thefts will stop.....or as some suggested you may find that your mom is 'hiding' things to keep them safe and not remembering that she did this. That behavior is quite common in the early stages of Alz. all other behaviors may be fine. I think that there are cameras that will stream to the cloud or to your phone so that whoever is removing the items can't just find the camera and remove the disc (getting rid of the evidence). Also, if her SS. card has gone missing you may want to check to see if any new credit cards or loans were opened under her name. I wish you the best of luck. Blessings, Lindaz
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to lindaz
Report
thingsarecrazy8 Mar 25, 2019
Thank you for that piece of guidance. We just completed her credit report, and there were some issues, but they are working on removing and we put a alert on her SS number. Now if any any cards, accounts or credit checks are made in her name her POA is contacted. She does have some credit which is for a mail order company, they gave her a new account number as this was one that had been used unauthorized. She doesn't have internet in her place of residence, so not sure if we can do any type of camera, but am looking into that.
(0)
Report
After my stepfather died, my stepbrother and his wife were entering my mother’s house without permission . At first I thought it was just her beginnings of dementia but her security alarm log showed someone with a key was opening and closing doors when no one was supposed to be there. I told the sheriff . He suggested we change the locks because even though she had never given them a key( evidently they took it upon themselves to make one and got a garage door opener for my mother’s garage door) it was her word against their”s. That legally proved they did not have permission to come in and the police could arrest them. After we changed the locks I told my sb . He denied it of course but they stopped doing it also.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to Jannner
Report

Your mother sounds exactly like my late mother. Her cleaning girl was cheating her until I spoke up to this person's boss. My mother didn't care as long as the cleaning girl socialized with her. But her boss cared. Jeezy peezy! Elder aduse MUST NOT HAPPEN! Speak up.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to Llamalover47
Report
NeedHelpWithMom Mar 23, 2019
Llama,

Is that loneliness or stupidity? No offense to your mom. Just makes me crazy that elderly people get ripped off?

Was she fired? Charges pressed?
(2)
Report
See 1 more reply
In home cameras. Telling your loved one to stop complaining since she won't do anything about it. Filing a police report. These are the options. The video will catch the thieves red handed, get them arrested and solve the problems.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to mmcmahon12000
Report
NeedHelpWithMom Mar 23, 2019
Love it!
(0)
Report
Changes Homecare company. If personal or family members Remove from home/get trusted Homecare. Report it yourself to Police, nearest hospital, nurses, case manager. Someone need to address this ASAP .
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to PSHCA1
Report

Ooo. This sounds a bit more complicated than it did at first.

Have you yourself spoken to your brother and your niece?
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to Countrymouse
Report
thingsarecrazy8 Mar 25, 2019
Yes, but they lie and say she gave permission. They feel mom is incompetent, however, she is too on task to say she is incompetent. She knows dates, times, children and even all pertinent details like address, who her POA is, who handles her money, what Bill's she has etc.
(0)
Report
There are different kinds of POA and one can be for finances.  You can consult with an elder law attorney for other options if you want any...she could have an order of protection against them as well.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to gdaughter
Report

So just to clarify, your brother was misusing your mom's social security? Or was he drawing his own (fraudulently) and then caught?

I think if you have searched the home and know that things are missing, and your mom is competent to state that she did not authorize them to be gifted, then you should report the thefts to the police. If you have documented social security fraud also then it seems you should consider requesting a protective order to keep them away.

Jane
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to janeinspain
Report
thingsarecrazy8 Apr 6, 2019
He was misusing Mom's social security money. This was apparent and reported to Soc. Sec. that there were signs that she was missing money. Yes, the house has been searched and there are many things missing and the things that she does hide from him she knows exactly where they are. She hides any money she gets for her allowance and can tell you exactly where the money is and each month it is a different location. She is the only one that can report the thefts to the police as she is not incompetent and although the P.O.A.'s have tried, they will not accept their report. As I stated before a Protective Order can only be taken out if she goes and does it due to the rules of incompetence in her will and our state. :-(
(0)
Report
Items need to be collected and stored so there is nothing worth taking. Ive worked in homes where they were stripped down to the bare necessities. Nothing worth taking. Not that I would. Its just obvious its the bare minimum. Llike a sample apartment. Nothing worth taking but the person was quite comfortable. Also are you sure its not dementia? People get quite paranoid.

Time to get a nanny camera or 2 and see what is going on. I wouldnt tell your loved one bc she will blurt it out to the person stealing. Or spend time trying to remove the cameras. It is for your benifit only. Tell no one.

Then prosecute if that is the case. People who steal think they are entitled to it, no one will know its missing, they deserve it bc they arent getting paid enough, or they have a drug habit. Why would you want that person there? If they are busy stealing they are probably not concerned with your loved one's care. Good luck. I hope it is her imagination and no one is taking items.
You might have to collect valuables when she is not around to be stored. She might fight you on that. Later you can say it has been stored safely and we discussed it.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to Jasmina
Report

Maybe a consult with adult protective?  Letting the local police know, at least filing a report?  If the parties she suspects are no longer involved then she no longer needs to communicate about it.  I'd shut her down and say you weren't going to discuss it again UNLESS she wanted to do something about it.  Were these people private hire?  If an agency they should be reported.  If you have POA it is your responsibility.  You will prevent others from suffering the same fate.  I can understand the concerns though.  Illustrates the need to do all one can when hiring even through an agency.  Make sure criminal background checks are done, but even that is never a guarantee.  Very scary and disturbing.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to gdaughter
Report
thingsarecrazy8 Apr 6, 2019
The POA does not do anything in out state. She is not incompetent and it will take 2 doctors to determine she is to set anything in motion. These are family members. Police report must be made by her P.O.A. won't be able to as she is not incompetent.
(0)
Report
I discovered my younger brother had been stealing money from my mom. He had been taking advantage of her for years by living off her, her paying his bills, and she even signed her house over to him. I call Adult Protective Services. They came out, talked to her but she refused to press charges on her. When my dad died, she had about half a million in assets. When she died, she had $40,000 left.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to katiekat2009
Report
NeedHelpWithMom Mar 22, 2019
How sad. That’s awful, Katie. I’m sorry.
(2)
Report
See 1 more reply
If things are missing in your parents home,or important papers or bills that haven't been paid,look under loose rugs or carpets,my Aunt hid all her bills under the carpets. Then,years later,my Grandmother stashed her money,(cash) wrapped in foil in the freezer.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to Molly1954
Report
NeedHelpWithMom Mar 22, 2019
Oh my gosh! Crazy.
(1)
Report
Our mother stated the same thing that people were stealing from her. She even thought her son was taking her money. We believed her totally. We allienated a caregiver because Mom stated she stole her lipstick and the caregiver said she would never do this. We finally realized that her short term dementia was advancing where she thought people were stealing her blind. As it turned out, she started hiding things from where they normally were so people did not steal them
from her. We even found her partial hidden in the cabinet wrapped up in tissue paper so no one would take them. Her jewelry armoire was totally emptied into different boxes and hidden so no one would steal them because she noticed things were missing. A caregiver gave her a beautiful quilt which she promptly hid in her dresser so on one would take it. I gave her a beautiful robe and slippers which she continues to hide in the back part of the closet so no one will take it. If I were you, I would look around and you will probably find what is missing. Look in pillow cases, drawers, under the bed and in the back of shelves. We are always looking for what is “stolen” and usually find it. Good luck!
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to Lindalou22
Report
jacobsonbob Mar 22, 2019
That's excellent advice, but from what we're seeing here, it appears the OP is certain of what is going on.
(0)
Report
See 1 more reply
My youngest Sibling was Stealing from My Mom but Mom would NOT ADMIT it. There is Nothing you can do but should she ever have the Mind Set of where you Need to Take over Guardianship or the POA, More Say then.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to Parise
Report
thingsarecrazy8 Mar 30, 2019
She has a representative payee set up and she is fine with it. She has medical POA set up, however in our state she must be declared incompetent to enforce including reporting theft of her possessions. We have gone round and round and back again with law enforcement who do nothing. She is barely able to move around outside of the home and is strong willed. Her POA is written in such a way that if you cant get her for evaluation of competency tuff. Her family physician has been told of the problems and has not enacted by sending a notice stating, something like it has been over 6 months since you have been in for a check up, please make an appointment to evaluate your medication, and blood sugar as she is a diabetic. So frustrated, she is only my mom in law so I can't do anything. I lived through my dad with Alzheimer's disease and had full powers and I ended up placing him in memory care as he bacame violent and also would take off. So I do know how they trick you.
(1)
Report
See 1 more reply
No suggestions, unfortunatly, but I wanted to say that I am in the same situation. Its very frustrating and scary! Would love more input.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to headache81
Report

What is OB?
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to katskorner
Report
worriedinCali Mar 20, 2019
Older brother?
(2)
Report
I knew a person that knew their housekeeper was stealing. She loved this charming woman from England with a delightful accent and she said even though she knew she stole the cat food, groceries, jewelry and so forth that it was okay because she had such a pleasant personality. Crazy, huh?
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to NeedHelpWithMom
Report
Jasmina Mar 22, 2019
Why would she steal cat food?
(1)
Report
See 1 more reply
Do you know who these people are?

Do you know for a fact that thefts of property have taken place?

If so, is there any reason why you yourself cannot report them either to their employers or to the police?

Of course, it all slightly depends on what is going missing and in what circumstances. But if it's cash, jewellery or items of defined value like that, and you're sure of your facts, what's stopping you?

Are the "certain people" relatives, friends, neighbours or hired assistants?
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to Countrymouse
Report
thingsarecrazy8 Mar 20, 2019
Ys, they are family members, angry because his $800 a month meal ticket was taken away by social security as it was reported he was believed to be misusing her funds
Social security found record of misuse, mom would not press charges, but did get representative payee. All sorts of items are missing, pillows, jewelry, social security card, state ID, pictures, clock, and music she listens to. Bug band era and Kenny Roger's etc.
(1)
Report
See 1 more reply
When I found out that my OB was stealing from the home I try to get my mother to talk to him, but like always she put her head in the sand. So I change the locks! I also put locks on my dad's tool cabinet and his paint room. I also change the locks on the garage doors because I heard through the grapevine that he was planing to take the my mom's lawnmower, snow blower, wheel barrel, my BF snow blower, my grill, and whatever else he felt that he had a right too.

Change the locks!
Helpful Answer (10)
Reply to Shell38314
Report
NeedHelpWithMom Mar 19, 2019
Shell, smart thinking!
(2)
Report
See 2 more replies
"She has tried to confront the person(s) that are doing the stealing, however, they have now blocked her from communicating with them." Is the problem solved and these "certain people" are out of the picture because they have blocked her? How were they gaining entry?
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to NYDaughterInLaw
Report
thingsarecrazy8 Mar 20, 2019
It is her youngest son, granddaughter doing the theft. No they only block her when she confronts them. It goes a couple of days and then they will call her as she is only blocked from calling them
She however did get a bit spunky and blocked them. They called the police on her saying she was behaving strangely and wanted police to make a visit. This family wants control and they dont have it.
(2)
Report
See 2 more replies
Don't allow them into the home. Change locks and don't give them a key. Tell Mom not to let them in. If she does, then the problem is hers. I understand that she is with it but she is allowing herself to be taken advantage of. The POA can step in.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to JoAnn29
Report
thingsarecrazy8 Mar 20, 2019
Thank you for your reply. The problem with how her POA is written, unless she is declared incompetent by 2 doctors the POA is unable to do anything. She is a shut in, and yes, maybe she is allowing herself to be a victim, but on the other hand she fears this person and what retaliation she will encounter. I have a protective order on this person due to issues of intimidation and threats against me.
(3)
Report

Ask a Question

Subscribe to
Our Newsletter