My Mom keeps saying that she wants to go home. How do we respond without upsetting her?

I think a lot of us on this site have a "fix it" personality, which is probably why we are so involved in the care of our family member. Unfortunately, there is no fix. As to dealing with it, a constant theme is to accept that we can't change things and learn to set boundaries. If your mom gets agitated when you visit and expects you to take her home, maybe it is time to reduce the frequency of the visits. Obviously going home is not an option, and your visits probably remind her that she is not home.

I have worked in an ALF memory cqre unit and one of the fiblets 2 families used about not being able to go home was that the house was being being "worked on"....needed a new boiler, basement had flooded, needed new plumbing.....and can't go home until its done...

HOw long has she been there? How often do you see her? If she just moved in recently, then you need to give her a week to acclimate. You can call and ask how mom is doing, but give her time to adust.Then go for a few minutes..Tell her you love her, and bring goodies for her...That you will come by soon to visit again. If she is a bit mobile perhaps you can take her for a drive later on.

When she asks about her home, change subject. Go home go home go home is the demnetia mantra. My mom did this until she couldnt talk anymroe. It's sad. No right answer, you hate to lie to mom, but I told mom it's too cold now, maybe later, or it's too hot now, it is so comfortable here, lets just stay here. Go when dinner is almost ready, and just say, lets just eat here, and then say, I need to meet spouse or pick up child or take child to an appointment. I have an appointment, I'll have to see you later.

If she's uncomfortable with the male aides (I would be too), maybe you can hire and private pay a female aide to stay with her at night. At least until she settles in somewhat. Don't want to alarm anyone, but stuff does happen.

A good friend of mine was in a convalescent facility that used male nurses with female patients and she was very upset with this. I realize that one advantage of the male nurses is that they are taller and stronger, but dismissing the discomfort of the patient makes the situation harder. I know male patients usually due prefer the male nurses but are more used to being cared for by females.

daybyday55, depending on your Mom memory, if she is having problems with remembering things it could be when she says she wants to go home she is talking about her childhood home.

Hi, seems you have 2 issues. The male attendants and the cries for home. As freqflyer said, it is very common for the loved one to really be referring to their childhood home, even though they do not specify it. Or they might still be referring to their most recent home. Either way, it is very difficult when a person can still talk, and understand a bit and can discern with sight to knowingly pull the wool over their eyes. It is the most frustrating phase of the disease I found. The best solution will always be with trained staff who know how to deflect. You might ask them for some tips on good deflection lines that may have worked when you were not there and they had to deal with it. For the family caregivers who are not trained in dementia care and are just starting on this horrible journey, it can be very very frustrating. You are afraid to insult or hurt your loved one, you are not used to the reactions they are giving and the usual methods of care and communication that once were normal, no longer work. I truly understand. When I visited one of my mom's facilities, the one she was at the longest, I would really get to know some of the residents and their quirks, loves, needs, repetitive questions etc etc. I watched how the CNA would interact or try to deflect the situation. Sometimes it worked and sometimes it didn't. But more often than not, I was always able to help distract one of my mother's co-residents because I was not their child, and I was not their CNA. I was new to them, but kind, interested, caring and patient. I was like a shiny new toy, mostly to the females, as I am male. I might ask about their children, or their occupation or their hobbies, at least those that could still communicate. They would always go along with me and how I was leading the conversation. So maybe you bring a friend along that she does not know so well, or have another family member interact with her as well. But only those that fully understand how to talk to people with dementia. I also would tell my mother I was running an errand and I would be back in a couple of hours. Or I would say her car was in the shop and we could go home when it was ready. She never remembered that I said any of that, so while it was a white lie, it did the trick.
As far as the male attendants are concerned, is it possible for you to request only female attendants, or are there not enough to go around so to speak? In my mom's current facility, I only had females working with her, but now that she is mostly out of it, and I trust the two males that work there, they also pitch in and I get a lot of good feedback from them. Hang in there. Read alot, ask a lot of questions and at some point, you will all figure this out.

I, too, think she's talking about her childhood home or maybe, as in my dad's case, he may have been talking about the home he'd sold to move to the one he was in, since he was at home and still talking about it, but he would say it was my home, too - the one we think he was wanting to go to, since it was the one I grew up in, not the one he was living in then, that he had moved to since I'd left home

what are you actually trying to deal with? I wouldn't think your brother-in-law would have POA; does his wife, your sister, I'm assuming? what caused the scarring on your mom's eyes? otherwise, sounds like you're doing the best you can; I got into a similar situation going to visit just somebody I knew, but actually not very well; I actually was going to visit someone else there but decided while I was there I would try to see her and she tried the same thing and I had to handle it the same way; it somewhat bothered me as well but I just had to realize that was just the way it was; it's somewhat of a bad situation as well, or maybe worse, because her only child, her daughter, doesn't even live in the same state. Is your mom in a memory care unit? this isn't quite the same thing because of where your mom is - or maybe it could be, hm...- anyway my dad was able to be at home - long story, not guiltripping you, I wasn't with him, but he did have a family member who could be - and had a bathroom in his room but he got to where he wouldn't use that one but the one at the end of the hall, right outside his bedroom door - hadn't really thought about this, but it was more the arrangement of the house he'd lived in before that I grew up in before he bought the one he was living in, so now I'm thinking that's what it reminded him of, as in thinking really that that's where he was, so now I'm wondering would there not be a bathroom outside of her room that she might could be taken to? that might possibly help the whole thing as well as I could understand how she couldn't understand why she's still there