Mom keeps asking when I'm going to visit, but I'm afraid to fly and see her without a quarantine. Any thoughts?

Your decision not to visit during this time is the right decision. You will have to gently make it as clear as you are able, hoping that your mom will understand given possible deficits. She may not. And that will add to the sadness and difficulties and burdens of this time for you. But this is the right decision.

I'd work on confirming that helpers are reliable and there 24/7. With her dementia, she likely is not able to understand or remember your explanation of why you can't visit. I'd do what you feel comfortable with. If you really want to see your mother, with her age and other health issues, I'd consider on whether you want to wait. I realize the risks, but, I have friends who are visiting their senior parents, wearing masks, because, they have advanced age, health issues and they fear their days are limited. Some of them have cancer and tomorrow is not promised. These are parents who live in their own home and NOT in a long term care facility. I think it's up to the families to make that call.

I would visit your 95 year old mother. Wear a mask and follow guidelines. She is 95 years old and wants to see you. I would be unhappy too, if I did not see my family. The best to you.

Why not rent a small RV and drive out there? You would only have to stop for gas which has zero risk, just put on gloves before you touch the pump and slide them off as soon as you are done pumping gas. Your mom has lived a long life. Will you regret it if she dies before you get a chance to see her again? Why doesn’t she matter here? She wants to see you. If she’s ok with the risk, so be it.

Stay overnight somewhere and visit your mom. Make sure you book ahead and have a complete understanding of their COVID sanitation policies.

losingitinmo, there are mixed opinions posted and here is one more from me. My MIL (in a local NH) has had covid going into her 4th week. They are not letting anyone visit in person, even if she was breathing her last breath (which is not too close, yet). My state (MN) is finally waking up to the fact that even elderly who are not sick are having dramatic cognitive decline from the isolation and loneliness. A state Congresswoman has put forth legislation to allow family members with covid-sick elderly in NHs the right to in-person visits because people are literally dying from loneliness. We've not so much as touched my MIL since the lockdown in March. I vote you go see your mom and don't worry about the stupid virus. How to you know her helpers are following protocols at their homes? If they have kids or are now going out and about to restaurants, gyms, etc., they could be bringing it to her themselves. At 95 the best thing you could do for her is hug and kiss her and enjoy her company. I have 2 aunties in FL that helped raise me and they are 98 and 101 living in their home with help. I'm aching to visit them but they are fending me off. I'm very close to just going for a surprise visit (with distancing if they insist). Whatever you decide is the right answer. May you have peace in your heart whatever you choose to do.

I’m afraid I’m in the camp of: you really can’t go. The risk of death from the virus to people over 80 is undeniable. I’m 850 miles from my 88-year old mom and in the same situation. I know it is really hard on them to understand how bad this is: none of us has experienced anything like a pandemic.

The loneliness is what’s the worst for them. It won’t replace an in-person visit, but increasing phone calls, flowers or small gift deliveries, hand-written cards “thinking of you” and every other little thing that you can send to brighten their day is all we have right now. Maybe her caregiver can help with delivering a smartphone video clip of you sending your mom a message of love and encouragement—my sister recently helped do that for my mom which cheered her up and I liked it, too. If she is safe where she is, entering that environment might put her at risk. If she were to fall ill and die from it, imagine living with the idea that you might have had some part in it.

I also have to imagine that you are in a risk group, too. I’m 66 with an underlying health condition and I’m afraid to touch gas pumps without using gloves and taking lots of other precautions. I’m staying home until things settle down a little more and it’s a difficult choice to make. I realize that thinking of yourself is the last thing you are doing in this, but you really need to. Are you all she has?

I live 3 hours flying time from my mom who is in a skilled nursing facility, and before the pandemic, I visited every few months. Her facility has not allowed visitors since the pandemic and up until this past week, had no cases of COVID-19. (I've just been notified that 1 staff and 2 residents have tested positive for the virus.) Since I'm unable to visit, I purchased her a Grand Pad, like an iPad for seniors. She is 86. On her 80th birthday, while still living on her own at home, my brother and I bought her a touch screen lap top computer and she never took to it; couldn't figure it out. A smart phone seemed out the question for her for that reason. But, she began using the Grand Pad right away and is making video calls every day to me and/or her granchildren. It seems easy for her to use and it's great to actually see her! I'm hoping she will be able to use some of the other functions, like games-solitare, etc. as her comfort level with the device increases. I can tell it's lifted her spirits and it's been a comfort to me to be able to see how she's doing. I purchased the Grand Pad through Consumer Cellular. The monthly service is $40 or $38 if you're an AARP member.

My mom lives 5 minutes away, in Memory Care, and I cannot see her in person. So, 800 miles or 2 miles, it's difficult.
But, you're mom is 95, and you are however old. You're in charge now. Your mom needs to live near you, obviously. Time is running out. I'm sorry, but it's not really her choice at this point, it's yours. If you can afford 24 hour help 800 miles away, then you can afford help in your own city, and you would be able to be involved in her life on a regular basis.
As to the virus question, you can get yourself tested and then yes, you can drive to visit your mom. Maybe a friend or family member can go with you to ease the burden of the long drive?

I follow the travel industry some and have heard mixed stories. Some flights are full and packed. Many are asking if not requiring masks, some temp taking...extra sanitizing but you can still take wipes and wipe down your area aside from the cloth seats. I do not have the stamina to drive that many miles and back again even with an overnight stay...but good brand name hotels are really putting efforts out to ensure a safe and clean experience.

Tell her you'll come as soon as you can and in the mean time see if you can get someone like the geek squad to set up so you can facetime with her or skyppe...

As far as quarantining once you get there...well, look, you've got caregivers coming in and spending the days and nights with her...do you know where they go and what they do when not with your mom? So mom has some risk from them, technically. Wishing you luck, whatever you decide...

Masks are needed on the airplanes and have plexi glass I am hearing..airports also require temp checks and masks. I would not worry too much, but you can get a motel room if you do go. And wear amask to see her. Make sure the state is NOT HOT as it is rising again in 25 of them.

I would suggest going to see your Mom. At 95 there are a lot of risk factors. If she is having services in her home, she's already probably being exposed to things unknown. Loneliness may cause her demise before any virus--which are many as it is.
As mentioned by others, hotels and airlines are under strick regulations so choose reputable ones.
Also, if you have faith, ask God for guidance and safety for all.
Good luck and I hope you are able to visit her!

I'm in the same boat, except I live more than 2,000 miles away from my parents, Driving really isn't an option. My mother is 81 and takes care of my 80-year-old father, who has dementia. Before COVID-19, I was flying in for a visit every 3 months, but I told my mother I can't visit again until something makes it safer to do so. I'd hate to expose them to the virus or bring it back to my own family when I return home. In the meantime, I communicate daily via email and talk to my mother on the phone at least once a week. She has aides who help with my father and give her a break 4x a week, and I have a sibling who lives close enough to be able check on them in person on a regular basis. It is stressful not being able to be there, but it is best for everyone right now.

I’m also of the opinion it’s not a good idea to visit right now. Many cities are opening back up prematurely and it’s only going to make things worse. She’s extremely vulnerable. If you do decide to go, you should quarantine yourself from her for 7-14 days to make sure you don’t pick it up on the plane.
As for her staying where she is, I’ve both had 24 hr care for my mom and had her in a home. She’s in a memory care center now and it’s complicated because she’s paralyzed from a stroke. I think the way to convince her to be willing to move is to tell her you miss her too and would like to have her come out “for a little while...” “for a period of time” so that you all can be closer and visit each other until the pandemic dies down. I don’t know what shape she is in to travel but presenting the option as a temporary one is often a way people get their parents into assisted living when they’re resistant.
It’s a really tough time. I live a two days’ drive away from my mom and if something serious happens to her, my plan is to drive there. I’m not flying right now. But I’m also in a big city where cases are spiking. They aren’t allowing visitors where she is but even if I insisted on it and they agreed, I’m not going to put my mom or anyone else’s loved ones at risk.
I should also add I’ve had two friends die of the virus- in their 40’s and 50’s. And several other friends get it. It took them 3 months to recover. It’s not a small thing like many people make it out to be. I wouldn’t wish it on an enemy, much less my mom.

I know its not the same but my 91 year old aunt really enjoys face timing with family and friends. Not all can visit because of the virus.

I guess your fear is about contracting COVID-19 and giving it to her. Since she has others coming and going, she is more at risk of contracting the disease from them than you.

To fly there:
Wear a face mask the entire time travelling - in the departing airport, on the plane, and in the arriving airport.

Arrival at mom's:
Decontaminate in the garage - leave suitcase there and spray the outside with disinfectant. Change into t-shirt and shorts and leave all "dirty, travel" clothes in a plastic bag to wash later. Immediately take a head to toe shower and change into clean clothing BEFORE greeting your mother.

Limit your own comings and goings when your are visiting with her. If you are out, wear a face mask, social distance, and clean your hands thoroughly several times a day.

Bon voyage

My mom is 85 has some dementia ... I too was flying 1200 miles every 6-8 weeks to see her and keep things in order etc now I “must” go and see her after almost 4 months !!! of not visiting. Lots to do including her taxes, Help with all her bills and follow up and meet, for first time, her wonderful “in house” caregiver which at this time comes to her to help just a few hours every 3 days. I am going to wear a face mask and I am staying in a bedroom closed off from basically the rest of the house which is kinda in the country snd I’m not going to worry any more ... she can’t handle being there alone much longer her dementia (forgetfulness) is really showing it’s head now and I can’t wait any longer. I believe if you are careful everything will be just fine. - yes the COVID-19 virus is a terrible risk but a risk you have to take in some circumstances . Think of how you’d feel if your mom or dad passes away and you didn’t see them . Time is not a given. If she had people around her as in assisted living or some type of care facility I would not be visiting in person - but she doesn’t. She is lonely lives alone and I’ve had to depend on phone calls texting and the caregiver to do ALL grocery and care for 4 months. Now I found out she hadn’t showered since I was last there .... yeah this elderly care stuff isn’t easy (and she can’t drive ) but now keeps wanting to retake the test because she says she has been locked in so I do think my visit is a very slight risk at this point but a risk I have to take . Lord give us all strength to deal with it all..

If you aren't already doing a video chat via Zoom, FaceTime or one of the other such apps, maybe this would help address her need for a visit. The caregivers should be able to setup the device on your mother's end.

I’m in the same boat with my mom. We are on opposite coasts. I FaceTime with her now which helps a little bit so we can see each other. I remind her that she doesn’t want me to get sick with covid so will want me to wait until it’s safe. Yes is always her reply.

Since your mother is still living at home and you are only risking the health of your mother and yourself, I vote to take every possible precaution and go for a visit.

I would drive and pick a motel where you can park your car in front of your room door; room should have its own independent HVAC. With online reviews and photos you should be able to find a suitable motel. If in doubt, call a hospital in the area and ask for recommendations. Don't be afraid of locally owned motels; my experience has been many smaller local motels offer better cleanliness and service than even better chains.

Enter the room with some wipes and clean down every hard surface or place you would touch (door knobs, controls, lamp switches), then wash your own hands. Bring your carry-on/luggage in and place it on the luggage stand or a table and do not unpack more than some basic stuff to the vanity. Due to my asthma, I always pack my own pillow and a blanket/sheet I put over the motel's bedding and pull to my face.

I’m in the same position. I recently made the 600 mile Drive and spent the night At a hotel (recent evidence that covid is rarely spread via surfaces) on the way. I was able to get a Covid test beforehand. My 90 year old dad has dementia, which was no doubt exacerbated by my not visiting for three months. I say be careful and go!

I think that first you need a Power of Attorney so you can make some decisions. Second of all, I think you have to be completely open and honest with her and make the caretakers aware of what you are doing. Either she moves to assisted living where she is cared for or you will be stuck. I don't know if she has dementia but you cannot jeopardize YOUR situation - she is 95 and you are not. Do what you are doing and use the phone.

Mom...these quaranteen rules...really makes it hard to not seeing you. We both will be free when the rules are lifted. You and your mom will always have in your minds to "obey rules".

You have to say - "Mom, due to the Novel Coronavirus, I cannot visit you, but we can visit over the telephone." Or something along those lines. Seem trite, I know.

Stay put till the end of the year when the vaccine should become readily available. Explain to your mother the possible risks associated with traveling nowadays. Insist she keeps a guarded attitude herself to avoid contracting this devious virus. Sadly, but true, 800 miles seem a lot of risky moments. Face Time, anyone?