My mom had her hip revision surgery last week. This is her second hip surgery because with the first one she grew an extra bone. My dad and I have been helping her since she came home. She has nurses and physical therapists that come out to provide services. Tonight she starts crying when she had to get up and walk. She only walked and exercised when she had her physical therapy session today. My dad and I become frustrated with the situation. She then says we don't have empathy for her when she's in pain like she has empathy for us when we are dealing with something. The other night she stayed up before she said she felt upset that she couldn't do anything for herself and felt like a burden. She has had quite a few surgeries since I was 9 years old (I'm now 31). I had to assume some caregiving responsibilities over the years (even more now it seems). Sometimes she'll demand that she needs several things to be done or given to her. In all we are feeling burnt out and sometimes we do react negativity towards her. What do we do?
You say she said that “she felt upset that she couldn't do anything for herself and felt like a burden.” Yes of course she’s a burden at the moment. Perhaps you could both have a blunt discussion with her about what she could do to be less of a burden – what you reasonably expect from her in return for the care you are giving her now (like co-operating about PT). It may not go down too well to start with, but it’s a very positive practical approach. If it results in yelling, blaming, refusal to discuss, that’s a clear sign that it really is necessary.
Do you still have access to a social worker from the hospital? Or an aged care service? Sometimes a third person with experience can help you and Dad sort out how to handle this, and be a useful third person in the discussion with M. Perhaps you just cope with it for another week or two, but don’t let it get to be the new norm. You and D both need to look to the future. Many other posters have gone down this path to 30 years of slavery.
1- she has already had a failed surgery, this could be happening again.
2 - she could have contracted an infection in the surgery site and the pain is the indication that not all is well.
3- she could be very use to private servants and she has no intention of giving them up.
You are not her slave, you can quit propping her up without being sold.
I think that anyone not willing to participate in living their life should be put in a facility and they can pay others to do their stepping and fetching.
Does your mom have an addiction to pain medication? My mom developed one from multiple surgeries over decades and she will never do what it takes to be better because she would lose her dope.
Pain wise, the pain I had from bone-on-bone grinding was way worse BEFORE the surgery than afterward. I had very little pain afterward, and nothing that the pain medication didn't handle.
Your mother should not be much of a burden after the first week. If she is, she's likely milking you and the situation to her advantage and having a pity party for herself. Either that, or she's not healing properly and the doctor should be consulted for his/her opinion in the matter.
As far as empathy is concerned, some people are professional victims. We have only SO much empathy for them before the well runs dry. Let your mother know you'll do ABC& D for her every day, and then she's on her own. I used a grabber tool during recovery so I didn't have to hound anyone for anything 24/7:
https://www.walmart.com/ip/Drive-Medical-Hand-Held-Reacher-Non-Folding-26-5/20960193?wmlspartner=wlpa
Best of luck!
My mom didn't say I had no empathy but I could tell that's what she was thinking. I was very upset that she wouldn't exercise, wouldn't drink enough water, etc. She answered by question of "what are you thinking" to try to get her to engage with "you don't want to know what I'm thinking". I know that means "Boohoo you're so mean to me and don't understand all the pain I'm in, etc".
The real problem is they don't seem to care or understand that they really need to do the work in order to get better.
So maybe you and your dad can try to figure out what she really can do for herself at this point. And make her do it. Need a glass of water? Get up and get it. Dinner time? Come to the table and eat with the family. These are just examples and may not be possible but there must be some things she can be pushed to do to help herself and become independent thereby taking some of the stress off of you and dad.
Maybe talk with the caregivers and therapists coming to the house for advice on how to resolve issues. They're usually pretty smart and have dealt with these issues in the past.
Besides whining, what’s the most pleasurable and entertaining and amusing activity in her life? What can you entice her to do that only she can do for herself?
She’s at a tough age for trying new things, especially if she’s never been imaginative or creative, and it sounds as though she’s never been very self motivated, you’ve definitely got your work cut out for you.
As another thought, would she address holiday cards, fold laundry (the old standby), make shopping lists, organize drawers, ANYTHING that can help herself by helping you and your father?
Painting lessons, music lessons, sewing lessons, learning a second language, tutoring neighborhood children?
Could you get an exercise coach to come in and do movement with her, on her level, between therapy sessions? She sounds as though she’s depended on you and your dad for so long that she might do better with a stranger.
Hoping something clicks for you all.
Perhaps a very simple treat for mother when she does her PT three days in a row, could work along the same lines. It’s easy to try.
When my sister is less able, people around her will do more. She can be very independent, but also can be very dependant letting others do everything.
What is necessary help & what is not?
I try to reward good efforts. If more fussing & attention surrounds being helpless, it could create a monster.
In the past year I have had two of my hips replaced and I am 68. Actually the pain was not as bad as I would have thought, but if she isn’t getting up and walking around the house she is not doing herself any favors.
yes...I was dependent on my husband for many things at first and you do feel a bit of a burden. But I realized that this is just how it is. By week 3 I was on a cane. And by week 4, no cane and driving. But I used a grabber to help me dress and an aid to put on socks. I am pretty tough and independent so I am sure I am more highly motivated than she is.
if she doesn’t walk it will take longer to get back her stamina and mobility. Also she needs to be doing her exercises as many times a day as the PT tells her to. She needs to be icing and elevating several times a day.
if she isn’t doing these things then she in sabotaging her recovery.
you could call her home health agency and ask to speak to her nurse or physical therapist and explain what protocol your mother is following. They would then be able to level with her when they come out.
your dad might want to talk to her about doing the exercises, set a time for them and do them with her. It won’t hurt him. Sometimes we need encouragement. Also remember that just the trauma of surgery and the anesthesia can play with our emotions and there will be tears at times. Also healing isn’t linear...it is up and then down. So try to find ways to help and encourage her and please engage the confidence of the professionals treating her.
So your mother has been in poor health since she was 45, is that about right? And your family has been supporting her one way or another for pretty much all of your conscious life.
What's different this time that has recently frayed your and your father's patience with her, do you think?
Is there any scope for hiring additional support for her so that you and your father don't have to help her so much with transfers, personal care, toileting for example?
The burnout is bad for all of you, and my heart sinks for all of you. She IS in pain, and probably very tired physically and emotionally as well. But it IS frustrating, and your and your father's stress are painful too. It's much easier for outsiders to deal with - we only have to be sympathetic for an hour at most, and we're licensed to say "we're sorry it hurts, but it'll be worth it, and you can do it!"
And, I agree with the comments to keep reporting any pain or mobility issues that don't seem what you'd expect. As there are nurses and PTs on the scene this should be under control but you know best what is normal for your mother.
she NEEDS to participate in rehab and continue when PT is "officially" over for the day. If she doesn't one or more of the following may happen.
1) She will end up using a walker much sooner
2) She will remain in pain
3) You can not spend your life caring for her and dad may not be able to manage by himself. And if not that would require hiring caregivers and possibly a move to Assisted Living.
Start by not catering to her. If you KNOW she can get up to get a glass of water, a cup of coffee then let her do it. If you KNOW she can safely get to the bathroom, bedroom without your help then let her.
She can throw a Pity Party, you do not have to accept the invitation.
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