My Mom, with dementia, is jealous of my Mother-in-law since I'm now caregiving for both of them. Any advice? - AgingCare.com

My Mom, with dementia, is jealous of my Mother-in-law since I'm now caregiving for both of them. Any advice?

Follow
Share

My 75 yr old mom who has dementia has jealous issues, Mom in law 93 fell and broke her Femur in 2 places emergency bone surgery in hospital ER and room for 20 hrs with her, My mom called repeatedly and left messages on phone at house, 67 times in one day, I did call her and tell what happened to mom in law she didnt understand, I called on her Health care aide to come over for a few hours to help.
Frustration I am mom's caregiver, now I am in the midst of caregiving for my mom in law also. l How can i assist my mom in that i love her just dont have all the time as before to spend with her. This is why I had her health care worker come over for 2 hrs.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
20

Answers

Show:
I had the same problem about my mother and my aunt, and my aunt ended up having to go into assisted living. I would stop by and get her things that she needed and took her to appointments sometimes, but there was no way that I could help both - I don't think you would have the energy to either. Let her family find health workers or an assisted living facility for her. Caring for her isn't enough in this situation.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

My poor sister in law has been dealing with this for 30 plus years. So she has to set rules for who gets what holiday and no matter how much her mother pouts, she does not give in. Hard line boundaries are how she copes. She ignores the tantrums and walks away when her mom starts to swear at her. And the rest of us back up sis as much as we can.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Sorry.Meant this as new post-not in answer to above question.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Regarding not taking Mom back from week respite with siblings.
After 14 months of 24/7 care in my home (mobility issues,mentally alert), Mom went for one week respite to be shared by two brothers. My mother had major issues contributing financially, having aides or respite care from anywhere but family. At one point, I was told no one else in the family could take her if I needed a break, so I tried to use assisted living for respite and all hell broke loose. After that one brother decided if he shared the week with another brother, they COULD do it.
Well to sum it up as fast as I can, due to my mother's control issues, lack of appreciation and lack of respect, I posted here asking about not taking her back. I was advised not to trick anybody but use the time to find another place for my mother, which I agree with in theory BUT it doesn't really work like that in my family. Mom shuts down and here comes everyones opinions. Well she went and we refused to take her back. Have you ever done something and can't believe you did it? I have always been close to my mother (if you played the game her way) actively argued with my brothers against her going to a nursing home and constantly trying to help her. My mantra was always "she's my mother" but the lack of respect really made me see this is a one way street. I guess this relates to the post "when is enough enough" . As you might have guessed, we have no contact. I have committed an unforgiveable act. It's actually quite freeing to step out of this crazy family dynamic but there is a price to be paid. I actually love them and I do regret treating my one brother badly. He is her POA and did try to help me. Just trying to think things through-funny how life can slap you around and make you re-examine things.
Thanks to everyone for sharing your experiences. It has been a hugh support.
Can't tell you how much I respect what all of you are doing.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Your mom has dementia and like everyone here has already said there is no reasoning. As far as your MIL goes - Isn't there any other family available that could do the care? Honestly when my MIL had her cataracts done I had her in the same nursing home that my FIL was in for respite care. She went for 2 months and it was a much needed rest for me and she was able to be with her husband for his final days as well. She too has early stages of dementia.

trying to care for 2 elderly parents with some really needy care is really impossible and you will burn yourself out. It doesn't make you a bad person to have MIL in a respite care facility. There are professionals there to provide all the care she needs she doesn't have to go anywhere to get PT, your husband can visit her on the way home from work and you can relax knowing that this isn't an awful choice and it doesn't make you a bad person.

Also you really need to consider your own mom with dementia. AS much as we all want to think we can provide the best care for our ailing parents and that the best place for them to be is at home with us - that isn't always the case. First your life shouldn't be on hold because you have a parent with mental illness, second you really have to look at everything with very impartial eyes (not easy at all to do) You have to ask your self is being at home the best thing for her or would a Nursing home/Assisted Living type facility really be a better situation. Its not an easy decision to make. If you don't have help your going to get ill trying to do this all yourself. Give your self permission to put your self first and know its ok if you choose an alternative care situation for either parent.

I really would think hard about a short term respite care situation for your MIL.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

you don't have to have dementia for that to happen .Most people are jealous of
someone ..
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

LOL - had to laugh at some of the comments re attention seeking. My mom (93 & with dementia) is constantly asking if my MIL (75 & just a royal pain but no dementia) is jealous because I am "spending so much time" with her. Didn't realize it until just now that it's like my mom wants my MIL to be jealous. Yes, my mother wants ALL of my attention on the 3 days I am with her. If she were fast enough, I'm sure she would join me in the bathroom, sitting on the side of the tub while I did my business.

Seriously, you can't be everything to everyone -- something I am sure you have found out by now. Smart to get your mom's aide for extra time. If your MIL needs an aide, I'm sure you've already figured out that it would have to be a totally different one. Yes, MIL's own blood should be pitching in helping with her.

I am dreading what will happen when it's time for my MIL or FIL to need help. My SILs have already said they would not help their own mother because she is so needy. They assume that I will do it because I am doing it for my own mother. Heck no - already told my husband we are moving to another state!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

they were homemakers , and as much as i respect that , i had worked nearly 40 years of hard labor and in theory had some returns coming for that investment .
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

do be careful . i had mom and aunt competing to see who could be the biggest pain in the ass for years . 6 years ago it came to an explosive ending -- my brain broke on a really rough hepc treatment , the jealous women were directly involved , and after a year of hell i crashed on the floor of the va stress unit and lost my opportunity to kill the virus . i had to make a big decision . i walked away from my aunt . her family were skating like thieves . they had no choice but to pick up the slack . now mom is gone and im happy to help aunt . i couldnt do both . it temporarily cost me my sanity and nearly cost me my life -- essentially over a couple of jealous , demented old women .. they had lived their lives , in hindsight both put together werent worth mine ..
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Sorry i wanted to say that attention seeking is very BIG part of this illness if im on the phone shell say something to get me off,as im typing here shes constantly at me wanting me to talk OR watch tv with her. Its just madness nothing you can say or do can change this but you can help yourself by ignoring her as it drives you "buggy" my mum was never an attention seeker until now she cant bear me to take my attention away from her but i dont let her control me now i just walk away and ignore her the more you give in to them the worse she will get.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Related
Questions