Mom is under Hospice with dementia. I want to ask her if she has anything we should talk about but this seems harsh. Advice?

If your Mom has dementia, chances are she might not give you a straight answer if you ask her anything about dying. I have gone back and checked out previous Questions you had posted, oh my gosh, what an emotional roller coaster ride you have been on.

I would just let Mom be, don't ask her any questions, if she doesn't want to eat it's her body telling her not to eat. Just let nature take its course, as difficult as it is to watch.

Unfortunately, I have been through a case similar to yours, and I feel your p[ain. My brother was under hospice care for five weeks before he passed away recently. During his last 30-35 days he lost apatite for food. All what h used to ask for was water. With dementia, and at a certain point, the brain stops sending messages to the stomach that he/she is hungry.
I hope your mom's case is different

May God bless
Elias

I sympathize with your dilemma....It may be a question for which there is no answer....I agree with freqflyer to not talk about the issue...

We do not know the exact time when our respective trails of life will end, but we do know that we are a lot closer to the end than the beginning..

You may want to consider praying aloud in her presence along the lines of "Dear God, mom is struggling so much....We know she will be coming home to you some of these days and we thank you that you have a place all prepared for her and that she will not have any more pain or confusion. Thank you for our wonderful life together....She is such a wonderful mother. Amen"..

Hearing such as that may somehow get through to her...Also soft music can often make one less agitated....Perhaps you know of some of her favorite songs over the years..

Kind Regards,
Bob

Perhaps this is the time to express yourself while she's still here -- to thank her, say how much you love her, talk about happy memories and reassure her that everything is okay. Blessings to all concerned for a peaceful transition.

I really like Bob's prayer. I'm going to remember that.

The only real experience I have regarding this issue is with my great aunt. She was 85 years old, but did not have dementia. She did have cancer and was very tired. She left the hospital and was sent to rehab. While at work I had this sudden and overwhelming urge to go visit her and take her this lovely little flower plant that I had bought her. (She loved flowers.) It hit me suddenly. I got out of my chair and drove their immediately. It was located in an adjacent county.

She seemed fine, but was tired. She told me that she was worried about her daughter. She is an only child and 9 nine years older than me and in her 50's at the time. She asked if I would look out for her. I promised her I would. (Her daughter lived mostly at home and was a little difficult.) I hugged her and told her I loved her and left. I spoke with her doctor in the hallway and he said she seemed to be doing better. She died later that day! I'm so glad I acted on my instinct to go see her. I think that by releasing that concern about her daughter it cleared her up to move on in her passing.

Since then I have looked out for her daughter. She is now in a Memory Care unit and has recently moved into the last stage of dementia. Life is so unpredictable.

There is a saying about don't ask a question if you aren't prepared for the answer, whatever it may be. People with dementia might not answer the way they truly want, because of the disease. I agree.... tell her how much you love her, thank her. But if you want to ask her something, YOU really want to ask, then ask. As I said you might not get an answer, or get the answer you want. I just hope you don't have any regrets after her passing, any 'I should have asked her' moments. My husband was diagnosed in 2008 with Alzheimer's, lost his ability to talk, write, communicate in anyway the first year. How I wish I had gently pushed him to talk, to discuss, to let me know what he wanted. So much I wish we had talked about... he died 3 months ago. But many people don't even get to say goodbye, so I am so very glad we had these last 6 years.

When my grandma was ill I told her she could let go, she lasted another couple hours. If you mom has dementia she may not even understand-we don't know. I'd talk to her and say what you want, assure her things will be taken care of and like about you love her. The death of a loved on is harder on those left behind, but death is the natural progression of life. Celebrate her life and tell her how much you appreciate all she did for you.

I used to work for a hospice in administration. I remember the nurses saying that sometimes they stay because they are waiting for an event or someone. The deaths seemed to slow down at Christmas and then just after, there would be many. It was as if they didn't want to ruin the holiday, in the present or future, with a death. Sometimes they'd hold off dying until a loved one could arrive to say goodbye. Then sometimes they just wanted to know that their family would be alright and that it was ok for them to let go. I'm surprised the hospice staff isn't helping you with this. Ours offered spiritual support for whatever your belief system, with no judgement, and the social workers were there for emotional support for the family too. When my dad had a stroke and was unable to communicate, hospice had a chaplain who came, prayed with him, and sang his favorite hymn. If you haven't asked the hospice to help you through this, then you should.

Toyoung has put into words my experiences. Tell Mom you love her. Tell her you forgive her for anything you would like to forgive. Let her know you and the family will be alright and give her permission to leave. what you are seeing is the natural progression to the end of life.. If you had that preminision with your great aunt something similar may occur with your Mom so don't ignore it.

My mother passed away about 20 years ago. She had a lot of heart problems, and heart surgery. She didn't have Dementia at all. She was as clear as a bell. She had just had some surgery, and the doctor wouldn't let her go back to the NH, but kept her in the hospital. She told us that mom was going to die. We would visit her a lot and one day the whole family came to say good-bye to her. She enjoyed that, as one by one her children & grandchildren would go up to her bed and kiss her or hug her and say good-bye.
We all left after that because she was very tired, and wanted to sleep. Later that same day I went back to see her. She was sleepy and tired of living, and having a very hard time breathing from lung disease. I pulled my chair up to the bed and held her wrinkled old hand and something (God) told me to say the Twenty-Third Psalm. When I got to the part "yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death." her eyes popped open, I said it's ok mom and I finished saying it, and left shortly after. Mom died about 1:00AM that next morning, only a few hours after everybody got done saying good-bye. .
I truly believe that all of that was letting her know that it was alright to die. I still miss my mom. There are times I wish I could talk to her. She was the best friend I had.

We talk about what she will do when she gets there and who is waiting for her. She knows where she is going is beautiful.

Pam, you got it right again. I don't understand why people are so afraid of talking about reality or all the folks who said not to discuss it. I had one of the best conversations of my life with my dad not long before he died, and the conversation started something like "Dad, I think you're ready to let go and might be hanging on because of all of us, and I want you know that we will all be ok. Is there anything you might want me to do for you, that you haven't already asked?" I'm glad I did, because just about everything we were doing or were going to do didn't quite fit those wishes. He had his advanced directives, POA, will, etc, but there were still a lot of things none of those documents covered, and we would never have known, if I hadn't asked. And he did have some unfinished business he wanted taken care of, but didn't know how to ask for help with it. A few days later, he finally let go, and I truly believe it was because he somehow knew all those little things that hadn't been taken care of yet would be. So ask! The worst thing that could happen is for you to find something out you don't already know or think you don't want to know, and that might be a bad thing in the long run. Weird things happen when they drift in and out, and sometimes they get these very strange lucid moments as kind of a "last hurrah". Don't miss the opportunity.

My mom is in hospice and has dementia. Oddly enough, lately she has been quite rational. She told me she was surprised she is still alive. We calmly got around to the subject of funeral and ashes. We discussed where and how without tears which surprised me. For mom and I to discuss anything calmly or rationally is rare but her wishes are now known.
Yes, ask. You may get an unexpected rational response but don't be too disappointed if you don't. One never knows.

My mother just died in hospice care 4 1/2 months ago. She was in a nursing home and had a mysterious "accident" hitting the front and back of her head. She was NOT taken to the hospital for about 11 hours and by then had 4 brain bleeds and the doctors told us that she had no hope of surviving....she died 8 days later. She had only been in that home for 2 weeks.

My two sisters and I spent every moment with Mom at the end but because she was sedated we seemed to talk between us but did not spend much time talking to her. I regret that now, we should have been talking to her or including her in our conversations....like Mom do you remember when....happened?

The last day we were there my older sister was going crazy and left for a while and called us asking us to come downstairs and go to dinner with her. My younger sister and I spoke to Mom and I told her I loved her and that her Mom and Dad and sister and brother were waiting for her and it was okay to go, whenever she wanted. I finished by saying, "Don't be afraid Mom, its okay." We left for dinner.

When we returned we were suiting up because Mom had MRSA and I had forgot and was stroking her hair saying little things to her. I watched her take her last breath and not breath again. It was like she waited for us to return and then she left.

I would talk to your Mom, maybe reliving things you did in the past. If you feel it is okay you could tell her that whenever she wants to go, it is okay, you will be fine, you love her and always have, etc. I do not know your Mom's condition nor how long she may have but you will have to "feel your way around" this topic. Whatever you do, keep talking to her and do not let her go with anything left unfinished between you.

Do not talk about her condition with her doctors in her room and do not make phone calls to others talking about her condition or how you feel. You have no idea what she is hearing and understanding. We always made sure to step out of the room for these conversations as they told us that the hearing was the last to go.

Good Luck and God Bless You

By all means communicate with your mother as long as you can. My mom's hearing aid has just been broken by one of her "caregivers" and I will no longer be able to communicate with her unless in writing. I very seriously doubt it was an accident. May all reprobates reap what they sow.

It took me about ten years to shift focus and realize that my dad, then 78, mentally OK, some physical issues, had been hanging on since my mom passed five years earlier (at 57!) worrying about me because I was the last kid not married and settled. When I became engaged to a man that dad loved and approved of, he would say things like "Take your woman away and have a nice day". He stopped eating, stopped taking his meds (I was staying in a care facility with him at the time), and went peacefully after about 2 weeks.

Learning curve can you get mom one of those cheap hearing aids you see advertised that simply make things louder. Not ideal but it is sad not to be able to talk to her at the end of life.

When my dad got diagnosed last year with bladder cancer, we had a good 3 months before he passed. I did have the chance while he was still coherent to talk to him about how much Ioved him, appreciated all that he did for me growing up, etc. At the end, when he couldn't talk to us, I still told him how much I loved him and it was okay to go. I know I felt a great relief when he and I talked about his life and how much I appreciated being his daughter. Tell your mother whatever you feel is in your heart and on your mind, it is for you just as much as it is for her. Sometimes our loved ones want to hear that we will be okay after they are gone...even if they cannot respond verbally.

I think the main thing is that you are there everyday and she knows that. Focus on your childhood happiness, and if she was a good parent. Constantly pray and ask the lord to lift you up in spirit. As a caregiver, we see a lot of families loose their love ones and we stand by them through out the process.

Felicia

Thank you everyone. Mom and I talked and she knows her time is near. We talked about everyone waiting for her and how she could probably dance with Dad after seeing Our Lord. So glad I did that. Now she rarely opens her eyes, breathing 8 times then not fo 30 seconds then the whole pattern again and again. Her pain meds and Halidol are absorbed inside her mouth, she can no longer swallow so no food or drink for 4 days now. She has a strong heart but how long can this go on? She has suffered in bed for over 2 yrs and deserves peace. So hard to watch but glad we "made our peace."

Both my husband and this week my brother-in-law passed a week after they stopped eating and drinking and experiencing kidney, liver and other organ shutdown. It could be longer if she's on intervenous liquid, depending on the conditions of her other organs, often about three weeks or longer. .

God be close to you both, in His hand and under His wing.

anonlychild. - sounds like the end is very near. My father's heart and lungs were good too and he went into that pattern of breathing for several days before he passed. ((((((((hugs))))))) and prayers for you and your mum.

anonlychild, our prayers are with you. Go outside and cry when you need to.

Please don't be afraid to discuss death - it is so sad when a dying person wants to do this, but spouse and family are afraid to. I'm thinking of my dad - we were able to talk for only a few minutes but it was about what he wanted - not what my mom feared.