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Mom is 80, advanced dementia. Fell in August 2020, broke a hip, went to the nursing home for rehab, fell again there, broke a femur same side. More surgery and rehab. 56 yrs of marriage...Dad passed 2 yrs ago, left the farm to her, didn’t like modern day advice. 7 kids, my two brothers 53 & 54 yr old bachelors work the farm. My brothers were going broke paying the nursing home. Ineligible for any assistance. Agreed to move her two states away to live with my husband and I, we’re retired. Every day morning, noon , sundowners-afternoon and evening she gets weary and goes down the rabbit hole of being home sick. No matter the explanations of why she can no longer live on the farm with her boys...How do I get her passed the move and going forward? They call her nearly every day. She and dad were not social and she had no hobbies. Just old fashioned homemaker. Screaming, lonesome, boredom.. nothing helps not music, tv, old photos, talking...She’s a healthy 80, aside from dementia and the loss of her ability to walk. Since she can’t walk but is strong she becomes unsafe because she is always trying to get up. The other 4 siblings live in multiple states all across the country with jobs and kids. My husband is a saint but we are getting exhausted and it’s only been 2 months. Help..!

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I’m sorry you’re going through this and wish I could more encouraging. Have you considered that even if you get your mother past the longing to go home there will be another issue, followed by more and more of them? You and your husband need to honestly decide if caring for your mother in your home is sustainable and it’s okay if you decide it is not
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Was dad a wartime vet by any chance? She may be eligible for benefits thru the va. Contact your local senior services center, they may also be able to help assist with programs available to help out. Does anyone have poa for financial and medical? It took MIL a while to acclimate to living with DH and I, even after her house sold as is, she felt she needed to go tend to things at her old house, oh I need to trim my rosebush back take me there now, had to explain it wasn't hers anymore, wasn't happy about it and pouted for a while. change is hard for them to accept at this point. Does mom knit or crochet? If so maybe ask brothers to request mom make them a blanket? It could help distract her a bit. Does she have a smart phone? MIL enjoyed playing games on it, receiving texts from family, I just made sure to disable any purchasing power by blocking it. (Kind of what you would do with a child's/teens phone) she started looking up recipies on line and wrote them out in a notebook. You said she can't walk right now, could she help fold towels, pillow cases, match socks, fold her own clothes? Sense of accomplishment and of contributing to the house. I am sorry for everything everyone is going thru in this stressful time. Did you speak to her doctor about a mild antianxiety medication, I don't know if it will help or if she's a candidate for it but it's worth a try. Keep coming back for support or just to vent, hopefully someone else can think of a better answer for you.
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If she owns a working farm I believe that there are special exclusions for that. I would speak with as many people as you can with both states department of health and human services.

In the mean time, can you afford (obviously with her money) to hire someone to help during the evening meltdowns? I would encourage you to get some meds on board and someone to help during the most difficult times. This will give you the much needed break to get through this difficult time.

Great big warm hug! This is so difficult to deal with. Welcome to the forum!
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“Going home” is so pervasive that my grandmother, who had lived in the same house for over 50 years when she was enwebbed by dementia spent at least a couple years of that sorrowful time trying to “go home”.

Have all of you adjusted to the fact that messages no longer work in a brain deteriorating with dementia? “Explanations”, for any reason or about any situation, just don’t connect.

I am a tireless advocate for psychiatric assessment and appropriate application of medication. That no longer has to mean “drugging her unconscious” but rather allowing her to remain a little more even, calm, peaceful.

There are geriatric specialists in many fields, psychology, psychiatry, neurology, social work. If you decide to go that route, be sure you work with a specialist who can prescribe medications or who works with someone who does.

Who is the legal owner of the farm? If the property is in your mom’s name, it may be a good idea to get a legal opinion about how to manage her finances in order to provide at some point, for residential care. Unfortunately, you’re experiencing in your first two months what happens with increasing difficulty while you’re providing care. It NEVER gets easier.

Be good to yourselves. My husband is a saint too, but sainthood can be a burden in itself.
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When my husband's dementia began to get worse, I did find that he became more and more like a child and I was able to relate to him better as I remembered how my children acted when they were toddlers. I don't regret caring for my husband until the end even though it got more and more difficult. I know when he got belligerent, he was very hard to deal with. He was still stronger than me and he began to even fight me sometimes. I did have to get him some medication to help with the agitation. The nurse asked me if I thought he was happy when he was like that and the answer was "no," of course. I had fought against having him on even more medication but after I agreed, he did become calmer and it was a help to him. May God bless you and give you peace in your heart as you go through this difficult time and may your mother have peace too.
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dee,

You've already received some great advice!

Yes, a Geriatrician would potentially be very helpful!!

When you have to take your LO with dementia out of their beloved home, it's like rearranging the furniture on a blind person!
It confuses and agitates them.

Praying that she eventually settles in!!

(((Hugs)))
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