Mom is starting to think I’m her boyfriend. Advice?

It happens. My husband does have a strong family resemblance to his dad. Once my husband and I were having a nice visit with her at her memory care facility, her demeanor changed. When I asked her what was wrong, she said, " I'm not made at you honey, I'm mad at him!". While she had recognized my husband at first, now she thought he was her husband, and was mad at him for sitting too close to me and flirting. I had to leave and sit in the lobby, to avoid the issue.
If she is getting that confused, she might start to wander , looking for her husband, or like my mom, looking for her children.
If you are unwilling to set her up in a residential setting, which it seems like may be the best solution, I would at least set up sitters for part of the day to give you a break, and maybe set up some cameras inside so you can check in on her while she is alone. Our Ring doorbell system can send notifications when someone goes in or out of the door, so you could know if she tried to wander.
I would consider disabling the stove so that her fire hazard is lowered, especially when she is alone.

It is such a mind game that our family member is still with us, but not really here.  That is when the tough decisions have to be made.  I am sure you know in your heart that mom should be placed.  I am going through something of the sort myself.  The director at moms Assisted Living Facility requested a meeting with me to say that mom needs to move into memory care.  It is more expensive and she would have to share a room.  I know it is a necessary move, but it is a big move and I have been dragging my feet.  Reading postings like yours makes me realize that I am only putting her at risk by not making the call.

I don't think there is anyone managing the care of a family member that doesn't deal with guilt/grief on a regular basis.  You and your brother should start visiting facilities so you can make a decision sooner than later.

Take care.

Two words: Nursing home.

She cannot possibly live by herself anymore--one day she will start wandering and may end up getting killed on the road, or assaulted by a thug.

Imho, the premise of your mother not knowing who you are AND wanting to stay alone at night is enough to tell you that her living arrangement may have to be amended.

Start by considering what types of care mom needs, not what types of care she will allow. Then, line up people to provide the care. If mom balks, talk to her doctor about her behavior (anxiety, frustration, outbursts...). She most likely needs a lot of structure in her routine and probably a mild anti-anxiety agent to help her cope. She may also benefit from medications for sleep problems prescribed by a sleep specialist.

As for her behavior with you, you can not change her thought patterns. The best you can do is make sure she can't compromise you: always have somebody else visit with you, keep affection very brief and polite, social distance... She may continue to think you're her boyfriend (you must remind her of your dad when he was young), but you can keep her "chaperoned" so she won't get any ideas.

I'm so sorry for your situation but your mother must not be allowed to be alone, especially at night. She can no longer be the one making her own life decisions - sadly she is incapable of that. Unfortunately at this time she thinks what she thinks and there is no changing her; her reality is an alternate universe.

If she will not allow anyone but you to stay overnight, her family needs to take on these decisions and place her in a facility that will keep her safe from herself. Placing her in a facility is sad, but not as sad as what can happen to her if left to her own devices. Also while in the facility, you can step back let the staff do their work and visit with your wife - she still may mistake you as her boyfriend, but hopefully she can make friends with those around her.

Good luck your mother and her family.

This is such a difficult stage. The spectrum of behavior that occurs can range from confusing to bizarre to down right dangerous. First please know that you are not alone. We are all dealing with “some form” of strange behavior with our loved ones. And I don’t know what it is about night time.... but evenings are often when it’s the worst. (Sundowners)
This is going to require you to take a long look at your mom’s circumstances and possibly have to make some difficult decisions. Your mom may not necessarily need the full time care of facility yet.... I’m not sure. I think if she is still capable of handling her ADL’s then perhaps just supplemental in home help will suffice. There are many benefits to this. An occasional helper can provide positive social interaction that can benefit her mental and physical wellbeing. She may resist at first but she should adjust and hopefully eventually even look forward to it. Finding the right person is key. They have to have good chemistry with her. This will take the attention and stress off of you and give you the needed break. You don’t have to suffer the entire burden and live with guilt. You obviously love your mother and are trying your best to care for her. Guilt is just a natural part of the grieving process we go through as we watch them struggle through this and feel them slip away. But remember to be kind to yourself and protect yourself and your family.
Have you looked into Palliative Care? Sometimes insurances will cover this. We have it for my Father in Law and it’s been a a lifesaver. It was referred to us by his Primary Care Physician. They operate under the service of hospice care but they are not hospice. They come in and offer assistance a few days a week with dressing, bathing (if necessary) light help around the house.... they can help make a bed and help them fix a bite to eat. They engage them socially and can also do exercises and range of motion as well. In addition they have nurses come and make sure all their physical health needs are being met and make sure meds are in order. Even if you think she doesn’t need all this right now sometimes you are surprised at how quickly the situation can progress and then you realize how much your loved one really does need the added support. And so do you. Also, pay attention to meds. Sometimes they need to be adjusted. Meds can play a crucial role in how our loved ones behave. Make sure you or your brother are closely monitoring them. I don’t believe in overmedicating them but I do think if properly prescribed and administered they can make a world of difference.
Good luck🙏🏼

Your mother not wanting people spend the night - and her not realizing who you really are - are two very important reasons that you SHOULD NOT leave her alone. Just because she says go doesn't mean you can justify leaving her alone. You should feel guilty to leave her.

Either stay with her on your nights or talk to brother about moving her - facility, one of your homes, but she can't stay alone.

If you are saying that you're leaving your Alzheimer's ridden mother alone at night b/c she's 'not letting anyone stay with her' anymore, then you're making a big mistake. Her thinking you're her b/f is the least of the issues you have to deal with.

Mother doesn't get to make decisions of this caliber anymore. It's no longer about what she WANTS but about what she NEEDS to keep her safe. You are taking orders from a mind that's now addled with a disease, and no longer making rational decisions or choices.

Mother either 'allows' full time, 24/7 help inside of her home OR she gets placed in Memory Care immediately where there is a 24/7 staff of caregivers to care for her all night long.

It's time for you to make decisions FOR your mother that keep her safe. AD is a horrible disease and one that requires placement when it becomes advanced, in most cases.

Good luck

Your mother has dementia and it is going to get worse and her behavior and actions will get worse with time. I think you should consider a caretaker for her to leave you out of the loop. And if that does not work, I think for everyone's safety and well being, she needs placement into a dementia facility. I don't know what else to tell you but worse is on the way so act now to stop it before it gets out of control.

Wires are getting crossed. My mom calls me by her brother’s name (I’m her DAUGHTER). Initially, people are astonished when she does this and because I answer to it. But I know her wires are crossed.

I know it's an odd feeling to be your mother's boyfriend and her son. Unfortunately it's the disease. For lack of better medical terms, your mother wires are getting crossed and destroyed.
I had a few clients who confused their sons' with their ex's. You may want to try having a few picture of your father or past boyfriends available. Nice sizes so they can be easily seen and limit the picture of yourself in the house. If you do have a picture of you, perhaps make it a picture of you and your family, so your mother can be reminded gently of your circle and hers.

Plus understand this period of time is only temporary, unfortunately or fortunately your mother will forget all relationships and and you and your wife will be friendly faces.

My grandmother suffered for years with the disease. I was my mother in her head and my kids were me and my brother. I strongly resemble my mom and I was the oldest and I had a brother 3 years younger. Just so happens my kids were in the same order, my daughter and my son 3 years younger.

Stay Inspired,
Shonda

I'm going to share a humorous anecdote about this in our own situation. My husband's mom, with Alzheimer's, often thought he was her husband. One day we were visiting her in her Assisted Living Facility, and she pointed to me and told him to "Get that 'heifer' out of here." I let him have it when we got back in the car. How dare she say that to me! I told him that I was used to playing tennis 2-3 times a week, and for a variety of reasons I had stopped, and pounds can come on overnight after that. He said , "No, to her "heifer" isn't a pudgy woman, it's the "other woman." I'm thinking, "Gee, thanks." Isn't that sad, that I'd rather be known as a home wrecker, rather than as a woman with a middle age spread. I've been able to put heifer behind me though, (in more ways than one). I included this in a book about taking care of my mom, who also had Alzheimer's called, "My Mother has Alzheimer's and My Dog has Tapeworms: A Caregiver's Tale." I'm sorry I have no advice to give on your situation, but I thought a little humor might help.

Distract-defer-ignore the fallout.

Having Alz/dementia doesn’t mean that an LO is somehow entitled to design the whole landscape or run the whole show.

She deserves your compassion, love, concern and the best management you can design to ensure her SAFETY.

If you have not discussed judicious use of medication to help you and her manage her more difficult outbursts, consider that.

As a family, do some research on local residential care sites. Being pro active in terms of her care will empower all of you.

Be open to the perspective that the illusions of an elderly sensory deprived victim of terrible illness do not extend to giving her the power of management, for herself or for those who care for her. “She’s not even allowed there anymore” dignifies an unsupportable error in caring for her, as does “starting to not let anybody stay with her at night” which is not within her NEED for SAFETY, and must be managed as such.

Her aberrant actions need to be addressed, and ultimately, like many of us here, you may find that she will ejection from residential care provided by professionals.

You will be prepared for that decision by having researched all her options in advance.

Peaceful, loving management. Your decisions, made with love and preparation.

He let his Mom kick YOU out of the house and he is still living there?!

That's among the most WTF things I've read on here... he needs to move out.

This takes the whole Mommy's Boy thing to a creepy new level.

Ok your mother is not capable of making the decision of who will stay with her; Feel guilty about not taking care of yourself and the subsequent consequence to your mother if you are not healthy enough to take care of her or manage her affair.

Someone living with daily delusions does not sound safe to live alone IMHO.

Regarding the 'boyfriend' issue - I think if me, I would take this as a cue to step back a bit & find replacement caregivers.

So... What's the main priority as you see it?

Sometimes I hear 'keeping Mother at home'. If so, then round the clock caregivers will be soon needed (if not already) to enable that to be realistic. This will be your challenge - to have them acceptable to Mother & even be let in the door!

Sometimes that statement can be tweaked to: Mother to remain at home *as long as possible or practical*.

Or is it 'keeping Mother calm, safe & comfortable'. If so, that can be done in another setting.

It IS sad to move people from their homes but this is the dilemma: Duty of Care vs Dignity of Choice.

When ideas like this take hold for someone with dementia, there is no real way to convince her otherwise. No matter how many times you tell her that you are her son, it won't make any difference. I don't know that any medication would stop her advances on you, but it's worth a chat with her doctor(s) to see if they can suggest anything.

Of concern is leaving her alone at night. While it is a relief to get out, is it possible to "pretend" to leave, and just wait outside for her to fall asleep, then go back in, quietly? Too many people with dementia end up wandering, sometimes in the middle of the night. That would not end well.

In the meantime, it would be best to start searching for a facility for her. It isn't safe for her to remain in the home. Additionally, it WILL take some of the onus off of you AND allow you to resume your relationship with your angel of a wife!

Once she is safe in a MC facility, you can try visits, but perhaps it would be best to have someone else join you during those visits (sadly not the wife.) It will be better for you to be able to try to be a caring person who visits (you will likely never be son in her mind again) VS a strung out stalked "lover" who provides care-giving!

Your mother shouldn’t be directing things at this point. Her decline comes with losing her demands. Has her doctor seen her to get an update on her condition? Have meds been tried to help calm her anxiety? The mistaking of who you are is common, very uncomfortable for you, but another sign of her broken brain. There’s no cause for guilt, but plenty of sadness that you can’t fix this. Don’t cave to her demands, accept that she’s in another place mentally, and get more help, either in her home or her moving to a place with help

It sounds like it's past time to have her placed in a memory care facility, where she will receive the 24/7 care she needs, and you and your wife can get back to some sort of normalcy in your lives. Your mom's brain is broken and it will only continue to get worse, so now is the time to do what's best for all involved.
And if mom doesn't have the money, you will have to apply for Medicaid for her. Your mom I'm sure wouldn't want you or your brother giving up your lives to care for her, so time to make some major changes. Best wishes.