Mom is fighting at me but she is normal when her family is with her. Any advice?

Your mom might benefit from a low dose antidepressant. I am very against over medication but in some cases it really helps.

Thanks. She is on one and has been for a long time. I also am against over-medicating, but the times she has gone off it have been terrible and she is significantly worse. That is the only times other people have seen how she can be. On the meds, she is able to hide her mood swings, irrationality and anger from everyone except me. The doctor is considering adding Abilify at the next appointment. I am concerned because anti-depressants can create dementia-type symptoms in the elderly. I guess there is a trade-off if we can help her find some joy in life. Interested in anyone's thoughts.

When I was caring for my mom, people would tell me what a sweet person she was and I should feel lucky to have such a nice mom. Well, she really was most of the time, but with me she was almost always negative. I was told that because I was the one caring for her that I was the one closest to her, and she felt "comfortable" with me and knew that she could do or say what she felt because she knew how much I loved her and I would be back the next day. After a short time, I realized what it must have been like raising me. The roles were suddenly reversed. She had patience with me growing up, now it was time for me to have patience with her and do the best I could to take care of her. It wasn't easy, but I persevered and I knew that if you just "go with the flow", it's much easier on you as a caregiver. You have a great support system with all these people who are able to help with advice, ideas, and have been in similar situations. Blessings to you, Ela0123, and thanks to all of you for all your caring support.

I think many of us experience this situation. Mom acts crazy almost all the time she is with me. She remembers things that never happened, badmouths everyone and acccuse me of plotting against her. Then we go to the doctor, or someone drops by, and she is the sweetest thing, with no a care in the world! I think it's just part of this rollercoaster we are all on. Just grin and bear it, is all I can suggest.

I wouldn't wish it on anyone, but yet, I am comforted by seeing that I am not alone.

OK, but here is a great confession: I find it much easier to be genuinely nice to, cheerful, and interested in the other residents at the AL than my own mother. To say this differently, I LIKE myself better when I am interacting with them.

Sort of the reverse of what we are saying about moms being nice to others and trashing us..

I am not neglecting my mom. Yesterday I took her shopping for bras--don't even ask. It is hard to take someone shopping who doesn't remember what they tried on or liked 30 seconds ago. I finally gave up and took my mom to Victoria's Secret (LOL) and let the consultant handle it. With just one firm word from me at the end of the appointment, we walked out of there with three new bras that fit my mom and she likes them. Then we went clothes shopping and got a few cute, comfortable tops for her.

What I mean is that I am doing all the things I am supposed to be doing (not to mention handling all of her affairs, taxes, etc.). But I do FEEL more relaxed and cheerful around the other residents, more than my mom.

So, does that make me a bad person?

No Salisbury I am the same way. Other old people are cute and sweet, our own are a pain because there is no escape. This topic could be its own thread.

Well, Salisbury, I think if that makes you a bad person, it makes me one too. And I think that is because you are not responsible for them or their wellbeing. You are ABLE to enjoy them. You have the experience now to be able to empathize with them and not fear the sounds, smells or requests they make. I remember hating to go to the nursing home because the residents were crying help me and I couldn't. I didn't know anything about dementia or the elderly in those days. I know a little more now and am constantly learning more. Every day is a new day! Ease up on yourself. HA! I can just see me in Victoria's Secret. We are not their target consumer base.

Dear annetx and txcamper,

Thanks so much. I think you are right. The responsibility that i feel to my mom fees like a huge bottomless pit. It just kind of sucks the joy out of things. I am always waiting for the requests or questions to open the door to another time-consuming or frustrating endeavor. Or, as in yesterday, another blip of paranoia.

The other residents can just be enjoyed for the moment with no strings attached.

OK, a new thread is in order.

Thanks to both of you again.

Well let's be realistic we may represent what they can't do, but they think they still do everything they always did, I think we are being hard on ourselves when we say they are angry with us. I think they are angry period, wouldn't you be if life isn't the way you remember it or isn't the routine you remember? Show boating is something they do with strangers and people they do not see all the time, I think the anger is the tired they feel in their condition, it takes quite a bit of energy to have that adrenaline running for that period of time, something from their nerves they couldn't begin to showboat all day every day. I would say I would like to be showboated a little but that is not the real deal...I would also say, they feel comfortable enough to trust us to not pretend their feelings, they know they are in safe territory with us.

Funny, that is what people use dot say about my teenaged daughter! That was in "Saving Ophelia."

Thanks for reminding me!

My Mom showboats with everyone and acts like a snot with me too! Am used to it now… took several months for me to find my feet with her and took some hand-holding from a sister who is estranged from her for many years, a sister with whom I have a tense relationship, a very good friend, and an excellent PsyD. ..I have really firmed up my boundaries, instituted "tough love" that is similar to the way my two really great daughters were raised and how my wonderful grandchildren are being raised… I put up with bad behavior from my mother that had I acted that way towards my parents as a kid would have gotten me a beating… I kept getting told "it's just the dementia"… but I came to realize that a lot of her bad behavior was more than dementia… it was a combination of life-long, unacknowledged, untreated mental illness: depression, paranoia, passive-aggressive ways of thinking and acting, and generalized anxiety disorder…I started working with her primary care dr through "MyChart"… I could email the dr with what was happening and she offered solutions… new med, higher dose, bring her in, etc… we didn't explain a lot of the psych stuff to her, she adamantly denied MH issues… she is also a very negative and judgmental individual… the anti-depressant was to help with her back pain… and it truly did significantly reduce the back pain in addition to making her less labile… .the anti-anxiety med was to help reduce the stress she had from her frequent headaches… worked… the headaches reduced when she wasn't so focused on when she'd have one… the two meds together reduced the paranoia and clinginess… she is still negative and judgmental but I can deal with that thru tough love … I say to her "that's not a word or phrase we use in this house"… I ask her "do you want our neighbors or your friends at day care to think you are rude? "…. "would you like for your reputation to be one of ..negative trait or positive trait"… works well most of the time… .but my best ones are "I will not discuss this with you in your current mood… .maybe you are too tired to think clearly and you need a nap" or when it's starting to peak… ."eye contact Mom" and when she looks at me I tell her "This is me walking away from this argument" and I walk away… go to me room or the kitchen or anywhere else and start a whole different task that totally reframes both of our physical and mental realities… cooking, phone call, whatever… She is also on a fairly rigid schedule of what happens each day, whether she is at home or going to day care… .she had become more pleasant to be around and it is easy to tell when the issue is dementia or nonsense… I have found a greater wealth of patience for what is dementia and what is nonsense… it doesn't cost me anything to be that much nicer when it's dementia and that much firmer when she's acting out… .hope this helps someone… Cyndi

I have tried various face to face arrangements over the years with my now 90 yr old mother. The most recent is renting my own apartment 2 miles from her residence. I have carefully made contact and visits everyday: Driven her all over for errands, medical appointments, and shopping entertainments. I write down in my notebook nightly the insults she gifts me everyday. This helps. Even with this distance between us since I arrived the last 3 weeks her raging is elevating. She is now in my face when others are around. Hanging in there is really hard, I just turn and leave. Next day it is like this behavior has never occurred. My friends tell me I should just go home.

I had a close girlfriend years ago that could not get pregnant. Two days after signing adoption papers she conceived and gave birth to a little Jesse boy. Sometime all it takes is one release and then out comes the egg ready to receive the squirmy spermy.