I had a close girlfriend years ago that could not get pregnant. Two days after signing adoption papers she conceived and gave birth to a little Jesse boy. Sometime all it takes is one release and then out comes the egg ready to receive the squirmy spermy.
I have tried various face to face arrangements over the years with my now 90 yr old mother. The most recent is renting my own apartment 2 miles from her residence. I have carefully made contact and visits everyday: Driven her all over for errands, medical appointments, and shopping entertainments. I write down in my notebook nightly the insults she gifts me everyday. This helps. Even with this distance between us since I arrived the last 3 weeks her raging is elevating. She is now in my face when others are around. Hanging in there is really hard, I just turn and leave. Next day it is like this behavior has never occurred. My friends tell me I should just go home.
My Mom showboats with everyone and acts like a snot with me too! Am used to it now… took several months for me to find my feet with her and took some hand-holding from a sister who is estranged from her for many years, a sister with whom I have a tense relationship, a very good friend, and an excellent PsyD. ..I have really firmed up my boundaries, instituted "tough love" that is similar to the way my two really great daughters were raised and how my wonderful grandchildren are being raised… I put up with bad behavior from my mother that had I acted that way towards my parents as a kid would have gotten me a beating… I kept getting told "it's just the dementia"… but I came to realize that a lot of her bad behavior was more than dementia… it was a combination of life-long, unacknowledged, untreated mental illness: depression, paranoia, passive-aggressive ways of thinking and acting, and generalized anxiety disorder…I started working with her primary care dr through "MyChart"… I could email the dr with what was happening and she offered solutions… new med, higher dose, bring her in, etc… we didn't explain a lot of the psych stuff to her, she adamantly denied MH issues… she is also a very negative and judgmental individual… the anti-depressant was to help with her back pain… and it truly did significantly reduce the back pain in addition to making her less labile… .the anti-anxiety med was to help reduce the stress she had from her frequent headaches… worked… the headaches reduced when she wasn't so focused on when she'd have one… the two meds together reduced the paranoia and clinginess… she is still negative and judgmental but I can deal with that thru tough love … I say to her "that's not a word or phrase we use in this house"… I ask her "do you want our neighbors or your friends at day care to think you are rude? "…. "would you like for your reputation to be one of ..negative trait or positive trait"… works well most of the time… .but my best ones are "I will not discuss this with you in your current mood… .maybe you are too tired to think clearly and you need a nap" or when it's starting to peak… ."eye contact Mom" and when she looks at me I tell her "This is me walking away from this argument" and I walk away… go to me room or the kitchen or anywhere else and start a whole different task that totally reframes both of our physical and mental realities… cooking, phone call, whatever… She is also on a fairly rigid schedule of what happens each day, whether she is at home or going to day care… .she had become more pleasant to be around and it is easy to tell when the issue is dementia or nonsense… I have found a greater wealth of patience for what is dementia and what is nonsense… it doesn't cost me anything to be that much nicer when it's dementia and that much firmer when she's acting out… .hope this helps someone… Cyndi
Well let's be realistic we may represent what they can't do, but they think they still do everything they always did, I think we are being hard on ourselves when we say they are angry with us. I think they are angry period, wouldn't you be if life isn't the way you remember it or isn't the routine you remember? Show boating is something they do with strangers and people they do not see all the time, I think the anger is the tired they feel in their condition, it takes quite a bit of energy to have that adrenaline running for that period of time, something from their nerves they couldn't begin to showboat all day every day. I would say I would like to be showboated a little but that is not the real deal...I would also say, they feel comfortable enough to trust us to not pretend their feelings, they know they are in safe territory with us.
Thanks so much. I think you are right. The responsibility that i feel to my mom fees like a huge bottomless pit. It just kind of sucks the joy out of things. I am always waiting for the requests or questions to open the door to another time-consuming or frustrating endeavor. Or, as in yesterday, another blip of paranoia.
The other residents can just be enjoyed for the moment with no strings attached.
Well, Salisbury, I think if that makes you a bad person, it makes me one too. And I think that is because you are not responsible for them or their wellbeing. You are ABLE to enjoy them. You have the experience now to be able to empathize with them and not fear the sounds, smells or requests they make. I remember hating to go to the nursing home because the residents were crying help me and I couldn't. I didn't know anything about dementia or the elderly in those days. I know a little more now and am constantly learning more. Every day is a new day! Ease up on yourself. HA! I can just see me in Victoria's Secret. We are not their target consumer base.
No Salisbury I am the same way. Other old people are cute and sweet, our own are a pain because there is no escape. This topic could be its own thread.
OK, but here is a great confession: I find it much easier to be genuinely nice to, cheerful, and interested in the other residents at the AL than my own mother. To say this differently, I LIKE myself better when I am interacting with them.
Sort of the reverse of what we are saying about moms being nice to others and trashing us..
I am not neglecting my mom. Yesterday I took her shopping for bras--don't even ask. It is hard to take someone shopping who doesn't remember what they tried on or liked 30 seconds ago. I finally gave up and took my mom to Victoria's Secret (LOL) and let the consultant handle it. With just one firm word from me at the end of the appointment, we walked out of there with three new bras that fit my mom and she likes them. Then we went clothes shopping and got a few cute, comfortable tops for her.
What I mean is that I am doing all the things I am supposed to be doing (not to mention handling all of her affairs, taxes, etc.). But I do FEEL more relaxed and cheerful around the other residents, more than my mom.
I think many of us experience this situation. Mom acts crazy almost all the time she is with me. She remembers things that never happened, badmouths everyone and acccuse me of plotting against her. Then we go to the doctor, or someone drops by, and she is the sweetest thing, with no a care in the world! I think it's just part of this rollercoaster we are all on. Just grin and bear it, is all I can suggest.
When I was caring for my mom, people would tell me what a sweet person she was and I should feel lucky to have such a nice mom. Well, she really was most of the time, but with me she was almost always negative. I was told that because I was the one caring for her that I was the one closest to her, and she felt "comfortable" with me and knew that she could do or say what she felt because she knew how much I loved her and I would be back the next day. After a short time, I realized what it must have been like raising me. The roles were suddenly reversed. She had patience with me growing up, now it was time for me to have patience with her and do the best I could to take care of her. It wasn't easy, but I persevered and I knew that if you just "go with the flow", it's much easier on you as a caregiver. You have a great support system with all these people who are able to help with advice, ideas, and have been in similar situations. Blessings to you, Ela0123, and thanks to all of you for all your caring support.
Thanks. She is on one and has been for a long time. I also am against over-medicating, but the times she has gone off it have been terrible and she is significantly worse. That is the only times other people have seen how she can be. On the meds, she is able to hide her mood swings, irrationality and anger from everyone except me. The doctor is considering adding Abilify at the next appointment. I am concerned because anti-depressants can create dementia-type symptoms in the elderly. I guess there is a trade-off if we can help her find some joy in life. Interested in anyone's thoughts.
I am in the same situation. My mother snaps at me all the time over absolutely nothing. She treats my brothers like they can do no wrong. One of them does nothing to help her at all and here I am taking her everywhere, doing things for her, running errands for her. Her hearing is bad so she misunderstands me alot and then tells me I dais something I didn't. I also don't do well in a negative environment but I am constantly on edge for whatever she is going to attack me for next. You are not alone.
Coping, I do wholeheartedly agree with you on the loss of independence, it is just hurtful when I am the only person who can help her and she can say such hurtful things to me, then act completely different with my brother, telling him things that are not true about me and my daughters. My oldest daughter was the only one I had to count on to help me with her, although she is still willing to help ME with her, she doesn't look forward to it so I just try not to ask.
She was saying awful things about my brother's wife, they had their first baby and had some developmental issues with her. My mom would tell ME that she felt that his wife was eating the wrong foods, and basically it was HER fault that the baby was not growing properly and complaining about how she cared for the baby. Their doctor was never worried about anything like that so I told her to stop. She wouldn't and it stressed me out even more that I had to tell my brother. I felt at the same time I was "gossiping" about what she was saying and it was hurting my brother. It made me feel that she was trying to pit the siblings against each other and I am completely against things like that.
I have done my best to get her where she wants/needs to go but that is never good enough. I know she would prefer to do it herself but at the same time it is not reality. She was a Nurse's Aid, so all I hear is how she knows that this or that happens when you age, she took care of my grandmother. I have often asked her if she hated taking care of her and she said no. I told her I don't hate taking care of her either but she needs to be more positive because it isn't going to change or help if she is constantly negative. I just don't thrive on negative emotions.
Thank you for your comments, I do appreciate the advice!
Filly1969: My mom doesn't have dementia. She does appear to have depression. But no matter what, I am convinced it comes from the loss of independence and having to experience so many losses and types of physical decline. I represent all the things she can't do for herself anymore. If she needs my help, she feels like less of a person and resents it.
Thank you Salisbury, but my mom doesn't have dementia. I am not sure what it is that has made such a change with her, although my older sister said she was like this when she was growing up. I don't recall seeing it so it makes me sad.
I echo what everyone else is saying. I find it is because I have to discuss issues with my mom whereas someone breezing in for a day or two never has to deal with the harder things. It is hard not to resent this because she seems to like everyone else better than me, but yet none of those people would do what I do. Like others said, I try to remind myself that it isn't her. I really think if she could see the scene of her yelling at me as a scene in a tv show, she would say, "How dare that woman treat her daughter that way when she is trying so hard to take care of her!" Somehow it helps me to think that. I know when she is at peace in heaven she will know that I loved her, even if she doesn't seem to know it now.
I just visited my mom and we had lunch and went to senior fitness fun. I asked her if she has been playing bridge (which she is very good at). No, she said, there are no games, I have no friends, no one comes to get me, no one comes to the games.
As I was leaving I asked the activities director. Turns out, my mom plays bridge every day! Every day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She has nice friends and they go and get her to play bridge. She has a game scheduled for tonight.
It has been exceedingly hard for me to accept that my mom does not have a clue what she is talking about. But I do accept it now.
Oh, you all have no idea how much better this makes me feel! I am the only caregiver to my 84 year old mom. She will tell everyone all sorts of bad things about me and my daughters who she will pick monumental fights with (who have since moved out and want nothing to do with her anymore), although I go above and beyond to take care of her. I work full time and take care of the 5 acres we live on. It is "her" house even though I take care of everything, her animals, mowing, house cleaning, taking her to the doctor, etc. Then she will also bad talk my brother's wife to me but act all sweet towards her. It hurts my heart to know how she acts. I finally lost it and told my brother about some of the things she said about his wife because I couldn't take it anymore. I was trying to rehome her aging parrot and she first said it was okay then changed her mind three times. She ended up telling me she didn't care if I never spoke to her again due to her deciding to keep the bird. That hurt my feelings and I told my brother. She never told him that she said that to me. I don't know if I hurt any relationships in my family by telling him this, but I feel that no one cares about how I feel about anything. I feel alone trying to care for her. She had to have 3 pacemaker surgeries within about a month or so because she got an infection in the first one, due in my opinion from cleaning her cats' litter boxes while I was at work and cleaning her birds' cages while the wound was still open. Then she had to have the new one out (she had e coli) with the 30 year old leads, then had to go without a pacer then get a new one put in. She is still in rehab and may come home sometime next month. Now her legs are swollen due to congestive heart failure. She was told to lay down with her feet up, but she refuses and just sits on the side of her bed....it is so very frustrating that she just does the opposite of what she should be doing for her own good, and for the good of others. I am sad that she is like this in the last years she has with us.
The normal stay is 8-10 days. That is how long is takes to fine tune the meds.
I totally get your situation. Yes, you are right. Setting limits is critical--maybe in all of our relationships. But, and here is the sad part, your limit setting will only have an effect for a certain period of time, and then, if her memory deteriorates, and I hope it does not,--but if, then she will simply forget what you have said.
It is the most frustrating thing in the world. My mom's dog ( I called him my baby brother) died because she could not remember my mandates about feeding him. Then she wanted all of our sympathy, of course.
It sounds like you are doing a great job. Keep it up and know that we all support you.
Salisbutry do the patients go to this senior behavioral clinic and stay for a few days or just a 30 min visit my mother would not have gone at all as she doesn't think she has a problem as do most early stage dementia patients and she would not have been medication compliant as she doesn't need medication when there is nothing wrong with her...........not. So for me it worked to set limits and enforce them
OK, bear all of this in mind and then consider: often medications are decided upon while elders are showboating!
This happened to me. For years, I now realize, my mom has been under-medicated because when we went to her doctor, she became a chic, entertaining, funny-girl with the doctor. I was sitting there gnashing me teeth because she was angry with me 85% of the time--BUT I didn't interrupt and tell the truth of what was REALLY happening.
For that reason, I again want to implore people in trouble with this issue of masking behaviors to go to geriatric doctor and to consider having their loved one "fine tuned " in a senior behavioral clinic. The clinic can REALLY observe the behaviors and fine tune the meds.
Without the clinic, the doctor is relying on what he/she sees (perhaps only the masking) OR on what we tell him/her. But we are not professionals--our observations are not as keen and educated as the pros in the clinics who see elders with dementia, etc. all day every day and have developed a sharp eye and ear for specific problems.
In the early stages of dementia your Mom is trying to hold it together trying to keep a lid on it and she can for short periods of time such as when your siblings visit but can't long term so she lets you have it as her daily caregiver. She knows what she's doing what she's saying she just doesn't care or feels justified to let you have it. The way I choose to deal with it was to sit my mom down and tell her I am here to give you a safe place to live and offer my help to care for you but if you continue to disrespect me make my life miserable I will help you find another place to live for I will not live this way I will not be treated this way end of story. She stormed off and a few days later she came to me saying I don't remember saying any of those things to you but again she did know and remember she was "showboating" for me I told her I understood but the rules remained the same I would not be disrespected. She doesn't say or do those things to me anymore. You have to lay down rules and enforce them you don't have to live that way its your choice. Dementia is a terrible disease but there are parts of it you can manage by taking control. The worst thing you can do is to let the demented person call the shots run the show its not going to be a pretty situation for anyone.
Hon, all I can tell you is to pick and choose your battles. I am mean too. I tell her to eat, take your meds, take a bath...etc.She reminds me that she is my mother, not the other way around. But we all know this isn't the case any more.
A child cannot be compared to an elderly person. If a child is fighting back, there are discipline problems that the parents need to address. Holding back beatings will cause a child to become unruly. The Word of GOD says to beat our children, which is not abuse, although some have beaten their children while they are mad, and have abused them, which is wrong.
Yes, my Mother acts differently toward my brother and sister. She tells them that she doesn't need help (even though she does), which is just what they want to hear, and then expects me to do what they should be doing. When my sister is around, my Mother acts like a bundle of energy, but when I'm with her, she takes naps a lot, although I'm around her a lot more than they are. But I will take care of my Mother, because I know that I may need someone to take care of me, and it may be soon, GOD only knows. It's important to treat people right.
Of course none of the guests believe it because the elder puts on a false front in their presence! I even had a nurse tell me that "most people would think that there's nothing wrong with your Mother because she is nicely dressed and has her hair fixed." Absolutely untruths because if they really got close to her they would understand a different story-one of them being that she had an odor about her because she was no longer strong enough to wash her body thoroughly and insisted on wearing the same clothes day after day until I got ahold of them! Also, the one closest to them, their caregiver (who is quite a bit of the time) their daughter (me) gets and has to take the brunt of the unkind (or now different as soon as the guest walks out the door) behavior.Thus, you have to swallow the proverbial "chopped liver."
Thanks for reminding me!
Thanks so much. I think you are right. The responsibility that i feel to my mom fees like a huge bottomless pit. It just kind of sucks the joy out of things. I am always waiting for the requests or questions to open the door to another time-consuming or frustrating endeavor. Or, as in yesterday, another blip of paranoia.
The other residents can just be enjoyed for the moment with no strings attached.
OK, a new thread is in order.
Thanks to both of you again.
Sort of the reverse of what we are saying about moms being nice to others and trashing us..
I am not neglecting my mom. Yesterday I took her shopping for bras--don't even ask. It is hard to take someone shopping who doesn't remember what they tried on or liked 30 seconds ago. I finally gave up and took my mom to Victoria's Secret (LOL) and let the consultant handle it. With just one firm word from me at the end of the appointment, we walked out of there with three new bras that fit my mom and she likes them. Then we went clothes shopping and got a few cute, comfortable tops for her.
What I mean is that I am doing all the things I am supposed to be doing (not to mention handling all of her affairs, taxes, etc.). But I do FEEL more relaxed and cheerful around the other residents, more than my mom.
So, does that make me a bad person?
She was saying awful things about my brother's wife, they had their first baby and had some developmental issues with her. My mom would tell ME that she felt that his wife was eating the wrong foods, and basically it was HER fault that the baby was not growing properly and complaining about how she cared for the baby. Their doctor was never worried about anything like that so I told her to stop. She wouldn't and it stressed me out even more that I had to tell my brother. I felt at the same time I was "gossiping" about what she was saying and it was hurting my brother. It made me feel that she was trying to pit the siblings against each other and I am completely against things like that.
I have done my best to get her where she wants/needs to go but that is never good enough. I know she would prefer to do it herself but at the same time it is not reality. She was a Nurse's Aid, so all I hear is how she knows that this or that happens when you age, she took care of my grandmother. I have often asked her if she hated taking care of her and she said no. I told her I don't hate taking care of her either but she needs to be more positive because it isn't going to change or help if she is constantly negative. I just don't thrive on negative emotions.
Thank you for your comments, I do appreciate the advice!
I just visited my mom and we had lunch and went to senior fitness fun. I asked her if she has been playing bridge (which she is very good at). No, she said, there are no games, I have no friends, no one comes to get me, no one comes to the games.
As I was leaving I asked the activities director. Turns out, my mom plays bridge every day! Every day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She has nice friends and they go and get her to play bridge. She has a game scheduled for tonight.
It has been exceedingly hard for me to accept that my mom does not have a clue what she is talking about. But I do accept it now.
Hang in there, filly1969.
My mom was sent here by the AL and a doctor.
The normal stay is 8-10 days. That is how long is takes to fine tune the meds.
I totally get your situation. Yes, you are right. Setting limits is critical--maybe in all of our relationships. But, and here is the sad part, your limit setting will only have an effect for a certain period of time, and then, if her memory deteriorates, and I hope it does not,--but if, then she will simply forget what you have said.
It is the most frustrating thing in the world. My mom's dog ( I called him my baby brother) died because she could not remember my mandates about feeding him. Then she wanted all of our sympathy, of course.
It sounds like you are doing a great job. Keep it up and know that we all support you.
This happened to me. For years, I now realize, my mom has been under-medicated because when we went to her doctor, she became a chic, entertaining, funny-girl with the doctor. I was sitting there gnashing me teeth because she was angry with me 85% of the time--BUT I didn't interrupt and tell the truth of what was REALLY happening.
For that reason, I again want to implore people in trouble with this issue of masking behaviors to go to geriatric doctor and to consider having their loved one "fine tuned " in a senior behavioral clinic. The clinic can REALLY observe the behaviors and fine tune the meds.
Without the clinic, the doctor is relying on what he/she sees (perhaps only the masking) OR on what we tell him/her. But we are not professionals--our observations are not as keen and educated as the pros in the clinics who see elders with dementia, etc. all day every day and have developed a sharp eye and ear for specific problems.
Yes, my Mother acts differently toward my brother and sister. She tells them that she doesn't need help (even though she does), which is just what they want to hear, and then expects me to do what they should be doing. When my sister is around, my Mother acts like a bundle of energy, but when I'm with her, she takes naps a lot, although I'm around her a lot more than they are. But I will take care of my Mother, because I know that I may need someone to take care of me, and it may be soon, GOD only knows. It's important to treat people right.