On this site people refer to that as "showboating", although I've always called it entertaining the troops. Perhaps that's what she's doing. Somehow they muster the ability to appear normal for a short period of time. Don't really have any advice for you, except just go with the flow. They usually fight with the people they spend the most time with. You are the one who makes her do things she doesn't want to do. Oftentimes, family members just love on her and talk sweetly to her and don't ask anything difficult of her.
That's exactly what my daughter says of my nine year old granddaughter. Granddaughter is beginning to challenge the caregiver in her life. I think it's an issue of being told what to do all the time and the fighting is a way to give them a bit of the control that they crave. Granddaughter craves it because she's going to need it as she grows older... Grandma craves it because more and more of it is slipping out of her grasp as she ages. Both fight because they feel helpless, and that fight is with the person making them fell the most helpless. They don't see that the same person is the one who cares for them and loves them and only wants what's best for them.
I think all caregivers, mom's or children of mom's, need to find a way to allow for some control to be given back while at the same time try to create an environment that helps the one receiving the care feel safe and loved. They they, as caregivers, are not the bad guy setting out to take control. It's the circumstances that cause the loss of control the child/senior craves and the caregiver is simply doing what they have to do in the context of their role. The best advice here is to temper the taking control from the with love, patience and understanding letting them see that this is not your intention. It's for the love of them and wanting to keep them safe and comfortable that you must sometimes appear to be stealing their opportunities to be in control. And be sure to make that feeling of love and commitment to their happiness a reality that they can feel from you. It just might (hopefully) take some of that fight out of them.
If it does not, try to put yourself in their shoes and simply don't fight back. Then give yourself a well deserved reward at the end of the day for being a terrific caregiver!
Thank God someone else has this issue and now I don't feel alone. People constantly say how sweet my mother is when she is in public and she doesn't seem that bad but when she is with me she flips the 'bitch switch'----that's what I call it. I hate it and I hate feeling like the bad guy all the time. Good comparison someone made to the 9 or 10 yr old. That's exactly it.
Darn, sure wish this forum allowed for Editing, at least for the first five minutes of a post. Both moms should not have apostrophes in the first sentence of the 2nd paragraph. The second sentence of that paragraph should begin "That they", not "they they" and in the third sentence there's a "the" when it should be a "they".
Then there's "fell" in the first paragraph which should read "feel" and last, but by no means least, I should remember that when I'm thinking and typing I often make small mistakes like those so should always preview my posts carefully BEFORE I press the button!
All too true. They turn on the one who is trying their best. They act all sweet & normal to people such as other relatives who visit. I told a few of them about me being called a b***h, the "F" word being hurled at me, etc. Only a very few of them believed me.
I took care of my mother, who had dementia. She would argue with me over things like takeing a shower, takeing her medicine all the time. I would calmly tell her you take your shower because you stink lol and you take your meds or you die the choice is yours haha then she look at me and say you are MEAN! I told her I was paying her back from all the times she would do me like that then she would laugh and do it. You see they argue with you to get attention and also they feel comfortable enough to share their opinions. The old saying is true, they hurt the ones they love the most when they get older..sad but true.
I noticed that my husband would pick a fight with me when he was not getting enough attention. He is no longer able to entertain himself, so supervised activities and lots of attention at the senior center day [care] program has been the answer for us. think about what you will call it before you say ANYTHING about it to your LO. I told my husband it is therapy so he wouldn't feel diminished by going there. He is very high functioning, but he just loves it. the angels who work there try very hard to keep the clients happy, the Activities director works really hard to keep things interesting. There were little children singing Christmas carols last week and there will be therapy llamas tomorrow! It is great.
Agree completely with txcamper - as her full-time carer you're the person your mum relies on the most, and she hates that. Others who come and go can fuss her, smile, hold her hand, bring her chocs and that's all great, but they do go after a short while and the disappointment of that little excitement having gone, your mum will 'blame' their departure on you who's left to ask her to take her meds, or cajole her into eating a little something. It's so hard just to bite your lip and smile and I often respond myself in what I know is the wrong way but in the end it's just not worth it because I suffer more by regretting being sharp with my mum because I know it's not really her but the dementia which causes this behaviour.
I experience this all the time, and that my elder does whats called "faking it" which is claiming to others that she understands and does everything when I know, and her nurse know, its not true. We just go on. The blame game goes to the closest person, and sadly they often don't realize that they are doing it.
I think as caregivers we symbolize what things they can no longer manage to do for themselves. So without knowing how to change things, I think the nasty comments are misdirected anger. The elder resents the aging process and is frustrated with the new physical limitations on them when they used to be highly independent. You are there (ever present) so you get the brunt of the anger. I think the pleasant behaviors for family members who are only "occasional visitors" is a chance to show a happy face to others--that their life/health hasn't really changed. If they were the caregivers, she would fling some angry words their way too.
I think all caregivers, mom's or children of mom's, need to find a way to allow for some control to be given back while at the same time try to create an environment that helps the one receiving the care feel safe and loved. They they, as caregivers, are not the bad guy setting out to take control. It's the circumstances that cause the loss of control the child/senior craves and the caregiver is simply doing what they have to do in the context of their role. The best advice here is to temper the taking control from the with love, patience and understanding letting them see that this is not your intention. It's for the love of them and wanting to keep them safe and comfortable that you must sometimes appear to be stealing their opportunities to be in control. And be sure to make that feeling of love and commitment to their happiness a reality that they can feel from you. It just might (hopefully) take some of that fight out of them.
If it does not, try to put yourself in their shoes and simply don't fight back. Then give yourself a well deserved reward at the end of the day for being a terrific caregiver!
Then there's "fell" in the first paragraph which should read "feel" and last, but by no means least, I should remember that when I'm thinking and typing I often make small mistakes like those so should always preview my posts carefully BEFORE I press the button!
Hang in there.
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