Listen to your family. You aren’t giving your mom a chance to become accustomed to her new home or the staff to become accustomed to her. I know that there is guilt associated with placing a loved one in a facility, and by being there all the time for them, we make those feelings easier for us to tolerate. If what Mom says is true, Staff May assume you are there and they don’t need to answer. Could Mom be ringing for every little thing? As for the phone calls, you don’t always need to answer. If there is a problem, Staff will care for her. She’s calling for reassurance. Give the conversation one minute and then tell her you love her very much but you need to go.
Next time you go, inform Mom that you’ve got some things that need to be done and you won’t be able to visit for a few days. This will take some getting used to for you, too. But if you want Mom to at least tolerate being in the facility, you cannot be a helicopter child. She will be fine. If you need an update, call the nurses station on her floor. Get the number from the nurse when you visit. It’s different from the regular number.
Agree with family. You need to step back and let the facility get to know her so they will better be able to manage her care. Once a week is plenty. Mom needs to get used to others caring for her and get to know her new neighbors.
You aren't really giving your mother a chance to settle in. Her thoughts are with you all the time, if she is telephoning 6 times a day as well as you seeing her for 3 hours on 6 days of the week. Perhaps she will feel 'abandoned', but she needs time on her own there in order to adjust to being in a new place. Very few people enjoy the transition to care, but you decided on it for good reasons. Now it has to happen.
Just to add, when you take a day off from visiting Mom, have something to do. Don’t just sit and stew. That’s not good. And she will call. Don’t answer every call and tell her you mentioned you’d be busy and you are.
My response is always...get rid of the phone. There is no way she needs it in the facility, unless she calls friends. The whole reason for Mom being there is to allow someone else care for her. She needs to know that these r the people she needs to go to. I think 6 days a week 3 hrs a day is a little much. My Mom was to the point she couldn't hold a conversation or could most of the residents that spent their time in the common area. I went everyday (unless I had something else) for no more than a half hour. I would check to make sure she had clothes, diapers, etc. Then I would sit with her for a little bit. I did this before a meal so I could use the excuse I was leaving so she could eat. She was only 5 min away. When she went to a home I went about 3x a week.
Next time you go, inform Mom that you’ve got some things that need to be done and you won’t be able to visit for a few days. This will take some getting used to for you, too. But if you want Mom to at least tolerate being in the facility, you cannot be a helicopter child. She will be fine. If you need an update, call the nurses station on her floor. Get the number from the nurse when you visit. It’s different from the regular number.
You can do this!
With Mom's fall risk/dementia/health decline, Dad's passing earlier this year, two kids in college(empty nesting), didn't know which way to turn! :(
Started my "baby steps" this weekend..Today, is my first day "off."
Again, TY to all...
Good luck, hon. I know this isn’t easy.