Mom is 99. We live 2000 miles apart. The assisted living is not very helpful. There's always an argument about taking out the garbage or washing her hair or her clothes...every week it's something new. Mom's quality of life is zero. She is in constant pain, deaf, and doesn't see well. Her legs are useless so she drags herself every where. It's really horrifying to be part of this. I am the only child.
My LO is in the memory care area of a very good LA, and there is a tiered set up providing progressively increasing levels of care as needs emerge.
Do you have any possible connections in her area whom you could employ to provide surveillance over her circumstances and loop mom’s needs to you, especially concerning her day to day care?
Prayer? I pray. What I forget sometimes, is “Let go, and Let God”. If YOU are doing the VERY BEST YOU CAN, whether from a distance or next door, in Covid World, that may be all you can do.
I deeply appreciate your intention of doing the best for her that you can. I’m linked in a situation in which my LO has 2 POAs, one of whom lives over 1,000 miles away.
Until Covid I was able to provide companionship and oversight, and of course for the time being, that’s not presently possible.
The other POA writes a check once a month and calls and complains about what I do (“due diligence”-LOL).
I think it would be helpful for you to pursue to possibility of a “visitor”, ideally one who could “drop by” at different times during the day to see what’s happening in your mom’s residence.
I’m assuming that you’ve gone over your mom’s contract with her residence, to be sure that she receives ALL the services she’s paying for. Times are unquestionably strained, and things that WERE done and should be done are lost in the Covid struggles, but there should be some parts of her contract (laundry for example) that should be absolute baselines.
I know my few ideas aren’t much help. Hoping some others can do better for you.
Wishing you and your Mom peace on this difficult journey.
As far as hospice goes, my mother does NOT qualify for their services, even WITH all of her issues. Your mother may not either, but she may. Have you looked into it? My mother takes Tramadol 4x a day for her chronic pain, and says it doesn't help at all. For hospice, she doesn't meet the criteria (even WITH dementia advancing) because she hasn't lost 20% of her body weight, believe it or not!!!!!!!! She eats like a trucker and weighs 190 lbs. So...........that's where we stand on the hospice matter.
Anyway, I hope God decides to take your mom sooner rather than later because being 99 and in the shape she's in is too much. Sending you a big hug of empathy and understanding. I get it.
I would find a nice LTC facility and use the money Mom has left for her care then apply for Medicaid when it runs out.
As said, you may want to see if she qualifies for Hospice.
But if you want company, the Elizabeth Berg's WONDERFUL BOOK called "I'll Be Seeing You". You will, at the least, know that you are not alone.
Knowing the terminology of different levels of care is vital, and this is a good example. She needs daily nursing care for pain management, mobility issues, and basic living needs such as bathing. That's skilled nursing.
My mom is 95 and would never have wanted to live this long!
My dad died in 2002. She’d much rather be with him in heaven.
So sorry that you are struggling with this situation.
Hoping that your mom will have an easy transition and that you will find peace and joy.
My DH aunt, 94 is on hospice. I was amazed. All I wanted was another bath from her home health and they advised she was eligible for hospice based on her dementia alone. She seems in much better shape than your mom.
With hospice, she will get more care. If for whatever reason she is turned down, call another hospice to see if they concur.
Call the Area Agency on Aging in her county to see if there are services available that could help her. Discuss her condition and the care at her Assisted Living to see if they feel she is at the correct level of care.
I would not recommend moving her (especially now) without a prior evaluation as that is very difficult for her and you.
Are you in Washington or is that your mom?
About prayer. Listen when you pray. Learn to meditate and you will be comforted.
“Be still and know that I am God.” Accept what you can’t change. She is 99. There is a reason your mom and you are on opposite coasts at this late date. I have to assume you both chose to be where you are long ago. You sound too tired to take on a big move and all it would entail.
Do get more help. Twenty minutes a day or three hours a week etc would get the chores you mentioned done.
And recognize that you need help as well. Therapy, exercise, bubble baths. Any and all possible resources to comfort you and rest you for the benefit of both you and your mom. I know it must be very difficult to do you right now. We understand. Let us know what actions you take. We want to support you.
I will definitely pray for you, your mom and the journey.
. Find a local coordinator
A local care manager who can supply local knowledge and help with caregiving logistics often can be useful.
One option is to hire a reputable caregiving professional, often called a geriatric care manager, aging life care manager or eldercare navigator or coordinator. These professionals, often licensed nurses or social workers, also can be valuable mediators or sounding boards when family members disagree on care decisions or you're facing tough choices, such as whether it's no longer safe for your loved one to live at home.
Verify credentials. Look for professional certifications, for example from the National Academy of Certified Care Managers, the Commission for Case Manager Certification or the National Association of Social Workers. Consider how long a person has been in the field, and request references. The Aging Life Care Association, a professional membership body, has a search tool to help you find licensed eldercare professionals in your area.
Discuss availability and areas of expertise. Certified care managers offer a wide range of services, from a few hours’ consultation to develop a care plan to fully managing your loved one's care. That could include hiring and overseeing in-home caregivers and interacting with medical professionals, accountants and people with power of attorney.
Consider cost. Care managers typically charge $50 to $200 an hour. Medicare does not cover this service, nor do most health insurance plans. But if you can afford it, an experienced manager may be able to save your family time, money and stress with even a brief consultation.