Mom is incontinent and refuses to wear pull-ups. Suggestions?

.my dad Refused to admit that he was in had this problem & Refused to “ wear a diaper” . For the last 10 years before he died., He had Crohn's and refused to attend to his needs. “ That med doesn’t work” He was mentally together. but he had a mental block. Others had to clean up afterwards & he went on like nothing happened , I have bought mattress , sheets, hotel sets. My brother visited & rented a car. He to had pay to mega-cleaning $$$. of seats. When he were out, I threw his couch away, I got a new one ( thank you K Mart) I did this 3 times. He ruined 2 tuxedo’s. When we went football stadium for a College game, his urine ran down the bleachers. He never changed. Even Home Health care tried— no change He loved catheter’s. I wonder why?
men never had to wear protection growing up. So it’s difficult for them. He was stubborn. He checked himself out of AL. 2 times.
Praying for you🌟

Take her underwear completely away. Put Tena or Depends pants in their place. Don’t infantilize it or the problem by calling them what children’s products are called. No grown woman wants to wear pullups. Underpants. Mom, here are your new underpants! Aren’t they pretty! They look so comfy! She will have no choice unless she goes commando. If that happens, she has to sit on chucks/chux pads then.

At her age she may be uncomfortable discussing certain things because that's the way they were raised, you just don't talk about certain topics. She may also have a hard time accepting the need for using incontinence products, or any other assistive device. They will think I'm old. They are, as we will be too some day but do not want to admit it. MIL absolutely HATED when she needed to wear depends. Bought her the fancy ones and was somewhat mollified. With beginning of dementia the best you can do is replace underwear with the depends. If not she will continue to wear underwear instead of the depends. Tho she denies having a problem to you she is aware of it because she is consciously washing her underwear out on her own. She is probably embarrassed. Speaking to her doctor about the situation may help because doctors are all knowing and orders taken more seriously than whatever we say.

poise pads or maybe double layer cotton undies? what if someone she respected like her pastor or a good friend walked in the house hugged her and said oh my you smell like pee!

Have her try pads.

They have incontinence underwear that is like regular underwear. Icon is one brand. It should be OK for leaks, but probably not if she needs reminders about toileting.

My answer will be direct, but let me give context. My father died with Alzheimer’s after a 15 year journey. I lead education groups called Caregiver Academy at two hospitals and I work in hospice. I see the end results of caregiver decisions. If you continue like this, your mother will develop debilitating urinary tract infections and skin breakdown around her labia. Very painful and difficult to heal. UTIs can heighten her dementia symptoms until you get the infection under control. Incontinence of bowel lies ahead of you and you know you absolutely don’t need her messing around in her feces. Go ahead and Pick this battle now, toss all the panties, don’t argue with her, just smile, be gentle, and help her put them on. Maybe you put on a pair with her, and other women in the family. “Look Mom, these are the new fad!” Let her pull her nutty with you all standing in solidarity with her. (They’re actually quite comfortable.) Remember never to argue with a person who has dementia. Enter their world and try to have fun and smiles while you can. Your job is to take the best care you can of her physical well-being first, then her emotional state. Give her a treat for compliance.
Good luck.

Irene: You could say "Mom, I wear a feminine pad (even if you presently don't)." Something to make her not be so embarrassed and eventually she may tire of washing out the underpants and clothes.

There are washable panties that you can buy online. They vary in absorbency, but if she really doesn't want to wear disposable briefs, they might help. They have varying degrees of absorbency. Vitality Medical is one company, but I haven't had any experience with their products, just read about them.

She has no choice.
Like a two year old, she'll get over it and get use to them. Loving discipline
Cant take a chance on getting an infection
Now, help me with my husband who wears pull ups, but wets in corners, in the kitchen, in the trash can, in the garage, etc,

Awwwww....I can so identify with your dilema! I had the same issue with my Mom, as well. And we all walked on eggshells because she was/is a forced to be reconned with! But you must do what's best for her and not feel guilty because she can no longer reason or care for herself. Eventually, your Mom will forget about her "before pull- ups" days, and you will move onto the next hurdle. I love others idea of saying you're wearing pull- ups too! So humanizing for your Mom to feel like you are working as a team. AL, toileting issues, being bathed by others, etc....so humiliating and upsetting to my Mom, and it makes me sad. Unfortunately, this is the ugliness of the disease. Sorry you're going through this. Please know you have a ton of daughters, ( and sons!) here, going through the same thing. You are not alone.

I would say, do what the staff advises. They know how to handle this. Or maybe one day show how you wear them. It's the new thing for all ages :) Even though it's a fib for the day. What ever works.

I'm a little late to this discussion - have you resolved the issue?

My mom insisted on using just incontinent pads because they're so much cheaper than the disposables, and they never quite did the job - she always leaked, which resulted in having to launder every single day. She also has bowel incontinence, which was even worse - she would just tell me, "Oh, just wash them out in the sink, it'll come out." I gave that a resounding Oh Hell No, and took away all of her cloth panties and started buying disposables.

I got grief about it for about a week, and then she finally accepted the expense. Now, my mother doesn't have dementia, and I'm sure her ability to think it out helped her to come to grips with it. It may be different in your case, but if the AL staff has made this suggestion, I'd run with it, and "blame" them for it if you don't want the Wrath of Mom to be directed at your head. (As a courtesy, tell the staff that you plan to do that beforehand. If they're decent folks, I should think they wouldn't mind.)

For my mother, all it took was for the Dr. to 'prescribe' Depends and Poise pads to address future UTI's. Somehow she took the Dr's word over anybody elses. They aren't cheap, but it has made such a difference in her hygiene that it's worth it.

Some things you will laugh about after a few years. My MIL started her problems with the need to urinate frequently.  I laugh now at some stories: wading through a foot of snow along a rural hiway to find a bush with enough privacy; driving through LA to go to Disneyland and having to pull off the freeway into -- you guessed it -- a horrible slum with no gas stations; pushing a wheelchair waiting in a looong line at a ride, getting very close to the front, and having to wheel out of line to find a restroom. Later she became incontinent all the time and my FIL would wash out her pads and dry them on the radiator, because he thought they were too expensive to throw away each time.. Then the filler became stiff and uncomfortable. He wouldn't buy depends for her because of the "cost."

Like the others have suggested, just take away her usual underwear and put the new Depends (very pretty with designs on back) in that drawer. When she asks just say they are the new underwear women are wearing. I found that even taking Mom's depends out of the room every day there was a slight urine odor even with airing her ensuite. Now I have a diffuser with essential oil in there- you put a few drops in water, plug it in and it mists the air with a lovely slight refreshing light scent that has no chemicals like the sprays do. It is lovely in her room now. Plus the mist humidifies the air and is good for skin. Just don't leave it on for too long or it can get too humid. I leave it for an hour or 2 in morning and again hour in mid-afternoon.

My heart goes out to you. Here's what I did after we brought my mother to live with us. I bought her new panties in her favorite colors. Then I bought several different brands of pull-ups and told her to try them all out and tell me which one she liked best. She finally chose one. It took a couple of months. In her clothes cabinet, I stack her undies like this - a colored pair of panties with a pull-up on top. So far so good. All of the chairs have a waterproof pad as does her bed. Hope this helps. Just keep smiling.

there is a kind that closer to panties, contact her medical supply

Just do it and make the switch to pull ups. Never in a million years did I think my dad would wear them, but I just told him there’s a new “thing” called throw away undies, and everyone’s wearing them lately because they’re super easy- just toss them away instead of having to do “all that laundry”...
he never asked for regular undies again.
he is now in AL with mild to moderate dementia, but he’s totally ok with the disposable undies, and he definitely needed them. (He has C-diff still... after being treated once. ) it’s going on two months with Vancomycin. The throw away undies were a MUST!

Do you think she would use incontinence pads instead? Or how about the pull ups that look like underwear? (I think the brand is Poise). Is there any chance she has bladder spasms or a u.t.i? Perhaps an evaluation by a urologist to rule out any physical issues.? Leaking could be a sign if a pelvic floor dysfunction.

Just a word of caution - adult briefs can cause UTIs. They must be changed as soon as they are wet. Most facilities are not good at this. So, it may be necessary, to use them, but be careful about keeping your mother clean.

My Mom lives in AL now, has had incontinence for awhile and no problems with wearing Dependz type "pullups". They have really changed the past couple years. they are more "feminine" and fit more like regular ladies underwear but still affords the protection she needs. Remove all her underwear & also remove the stigma by calling them something different. Mom calls them "special lady panties" because only "special ladies" can wear them. Works like a charm. All the other suggestions are great as well. She'll get used to them, trust me.

* (Get and) call it disposable underwear - which it is. It doesn't need to be called pull-ups. Get the disp underwear that looks like real underwear. Is all over in drug stores (here in Northern California). I get mine for clients at RITE AID. Costco has a lot of this too.

* Also, at night, get a pad insert for the disposal underwear to absorb more. The pads are for leakage, they are NOT sanitary napkins. They are POISE or something in pink wrapping.

* ALWAYS ALWAYS have the large 'bed pads' to put on a chair and cut or get something to fit car seat if you drive with anyone with incontinence in your car.
I use on the bed, in this order:
1. Mattress protector (can be costly although saves the mattress).
2. paper disposable sheets (2) next to each other.
2a. Sheets (bottom fitted);
3. Washable pads - come in various sizes. Two smaller ones are better than one very large one - easier to wash. Have extras for when some are getting washed.
4. Paper pads on top of those.
5. Top sheet if you use two sheets.
The key is to avoid washing as much as possible and saving the mattress.
The washable bed protectors are a gift from God.
5. Be sure to put protector on a chair or anywhere s/he may sit during the days.
* Have plenty of disposal gloves on hand.
* A waste paper basket or can with a top is good or, for my client, she manages fine with a large garbage bag and remembers to close it. I have to empty it when I arrive - this works out okay. Depends on the level of cognitive functioning/ability.
* Always keep a can or two of Lysol or something like that to kill germs.
* Is helpful to have a flowery air scent too - depending on the situation at hand.
* Between forgetting and embarrassment and denial, we do what we can. Tough love is essential. (Set boundaries.)
* I hired a caregiver (or wanted to). He met with my friend (86) of 16 years for 15 seconds and said "can I talk with you outside?" He said he couldn't take the job due to the stench of urine. At times, I have to leave my friend too due to the smell. He is embarrassed, gets over it, says it has more to do with depression than incontinence. Its both. He is in denial.
* If you allow her to wear her real underwear over the disposal ones, she might not do that on her own - it a good idea though if she can wear it as needed. My sense is that she'll toss the disposal and just wear the real ones. Gena.

One year into this journey......take away the underwear!!!!
Replace all with “pull-ups”.
Be prepared for well-intentioned folks
to bring gifts of mini-pads in warehouse
size packaging. (Take them as well).
I also learned about the Plan B bag.....
ALWAYS carry an extra set of clothes, shirt, pants, bra, wipes, socks, shoes,
a large sealable trash bag to handle soiled stuff, Depends, antibacterial wipes for you and a diaper rash cream to prevent rashes....when it starts to happen often you will be grateful for each and every item you have in your GO BAG.
Need More? Add that layer of protection to your car seat.

The AL staff has given you good advice. Beyond the odor, urinary tract infections are a bear to deal with.
"Pulling a nutty" is a fact of life with declining seniors and it is incredibly hard to take. I know implementing it is hard, but what worked for me and my mother, who went through the phase you are describing, was to take the regular underwear away as it comes up for washing.
I take care of my Mom so it was easy, and the garbage can got real full real fast. She had no choice. You may have to enlist staff at the AL facility to help. It has been almost a year, and panties still occasionally appear. Not sure where they come from as I have emptied the drawers, but. . .
As others have said there are a wide variety of incontinence options. In Mom's case, she likes the Depends. They leak at night, but are OK during the day. I have bed pads and just rinse with vinegar and then wash them and whatever else she has soiled.
Good luck, and be sure YOUR doctor knows the stress you are under.

Give HDIS a call, they probably know which disposables look most realistic like underwear and might be the most acceptable. They often have samples to send out to try.

We took all of mom's panties away and replaced them with incontinent underwear (cotton, look like regular panties but have an absorbent, built in pad). We slowly replaced them with Dependz/Always (Always are less bulky and seem to fit her better), and after a few days it became the norm, with no issues. We also use pee pads/chucks on the seat of her chair, and top that with a folded towel. Amazon also sells absorbant, leak proof, washable chair (and bed) pads, which work wonderfully. Fir her bed, I bought several mattress and pee pads, and make the bed with several layers of bedding (layering mattress pad, fitted sheet, pee pad, and flat sheet 2-3 times) so that if she wets the bed all I have to do is remove one layer of bedding and put her back to bed.

What about letting her wear the underwear over the pull up.

I always called them throw away pants and she didn't mind. I only used them when we went out and I wasn't sure how soon we would be back.

It is a learning curve taking care of our adult loved ones, God Bless you in this journey. This is a common issue with elderly, I went thru this with my mom one thing that worked was telling her I was wearing the same thing & thank goodness I wasn't in it alone & we could help each other out. I also had to "take" to the potty in protest & loving tell her she sat in something awful & I knew she didn't see it but I would help her get changed. I used this story for lots of things she would forget I just used the same white lie earlier. Being a care giver is so hard there is a LOT of stress listen to advice from others but do what works for you. My mother had dementia, she passed Nov. 21st this year. I miss her so much but I am thankful she is no longer in her body that caused her so much pain, falls, UTI'S, she needed to be showered & changed. I know in her mind she hated all that I tried to be with her as much as possible at least 6 days a week. I know I gave her love & comfort I was her voice when she needed one! The staff at the facility knew I was very involved in mother's care, it makes a difference all the way around. God Bless & take care of yourself.