Mom is incontinent and refuses to wear pull-ups. Suggestions?

My Mom lives in AL now, has had incontinence for awhile and no problems with wearing Dependz type "pullups". They have really changed the past couple years. they are more "feminine" and fit more like regular ladies underwear but still affords the protection she needs. Remove all her underwear & also remove the stigma by calling them something different. Mom calls them "special lady panties" because only "special ladies" can wear them. Works like a charm. All the other suggestions are great as well. She'll get used to them, trust me.

Just a word of caution - adult briefs can cause UTIs. They must be changed as soon as they are wet. Most facilities are not good at this. So, it may be necessary, to use them, but be careful about keeping your mother clean.

Do you think she would use incontinence pads instead? Or how about the pull ups that look like underwear? (I think the brand is Poise). Is there any chance she has bladder spasms or a u.t.i? Perhaps an evaluation by a urologist to rule out any physical issues.? Leaking could be a sign if a pelvic floor dysfunction.

Just do it and make the switch to pull ups. Never in a million years did I think my dad would wear them, but I just told him there’s a new “thing” called throw away undies, and everyone’s wearing them lately because they’re super easy- just toss them away instead of having to do “all that laundry”...
he never asked for regular undies again.
he is now in AL with mild to moderate dementia, but he’s totally ok with the disposable undies, and he definitely needed them. (He has C-diff still... after being treated once. ) it’s going on two months with Vancomycin. The throw away undies were a MUST!

there is a kind that closer to panties, contact her medical supply

My heart goes out to you. Here's what I did after we brought my mother to live with us. I bought her new panties in her favorite colors. Then I bought several different brands of pull-ups and told her to try them all out and tell me which one she liked best. She finally chose one. It took a couple of months. In her clothes cabinet, I stack her undies like this - a colored pair of panties with a pull-up on top. So far so good. All of the chairs have a waterproof pad as does her bed. Hope this helps. Just keep smiling.

Like the others have suggested, just take away her usual underwear and put the new Depends (very pretty with designs on back) in that drawer. When she asks just say they are the new underwear women are wearing. I found that even taking Mom's depends out of the room every day there was a slight urine odor even with airing her ensuite. Now I have a diffuser with essential oil in there- you put a few drops in water, plug it in and it mists the air with a lovely slight refreshing light scent that has no chemicals like the sprays do. It is lovely in her room now. Plus the mist humidifies the air and is good for skin. Just don't leave it on for too long or it can get too humid. I leave it for an hour or 2 in morning and again hour in mid-afternoon.

Some things you will laugh about after a few years. My MIL started her problems with the need to urinate frequently.  I laugh now at some stories: wading through a foot of snow along a rural hiway to find a bush with enough privacy; driving through LA to go to Disneyland and having to pull off the freeway into -- you guessed it -- a horrible slum with no gas stations; pushing a wheelchair waiting in a looong line at a ride, getting very close to the front, and having to wheel out of line to find a restroom. Later she became incontinent all the time and my FIL would wash out her pads and dry them on the radiator, because he thought they were too expensive to throw away each time.. Then the filler became stiff and uncomfortable. He wouldn't buy depends for her because of the "cost."

For my mother, all it took was for the Dr. to 'prescribe' Depends and Poise pads to address future UTI's. Somehow she took the Dr's word over anybody elses. They aren't cheap, but it has made such a difference in her hygiene that it's worth it.

I'm a little late to this discussion - have you resolved the issue?

My mom insisted on using just incontinent pads because they're so much cheaper than the disposables, and they never quite did the job - she always leaked, which resulted in having to launder every single day. She also has bowel incontinence, which was even worse - she would just tell me, "Oh, just wash them out in the sink, it'll come out." I gave that a resounding Oh Hell No, and took away all of her cloth panties and started buying disposables.

I got grief about it for about a week, and then she finally accepted the expense. Now, my mother doesn't have dementia, and I'm sure her ability to think it out helped her to come to grips with it. It may be different in your case, but if the AL staff has made this suggestion, I'd run with it, and "blame" them for it if you don't want the Wrath of Mom to be directed at your head. (As a courtesy, tell the staff that you plan to do that beforehand. If they're decent folks, I should think they wouldn't mind.)

I would say, do what the staff advises. They know how to handle this. Or maybe one day show how you wear them. It's the new thing for all ages :) Even though it's a fib for the day. What ever works.

Awwwww....I can so identify with your dilema! I had the same issue with my Mom, as well. And we all walked on eggshells because she was/is a forced to be reconned with! But you must do what's best for her and not feel guilty because she can no longer reason or care for herself. Eventually, your Mom will forget about her "before pull- ups" days, and you will move onto the next hurdle. I love others idea of saying you're wearing pull- ups too! So humanizing for your Mom to feel like you are working as a team. AL, toileting issues, being bathed by others, etc....so humiliating and upsetting to my Mom, and it makes me sad. Unfortunately, this is the ugliness of the disease. Sorry you're going through this. Please know you have a ton of daughters, ( and sons!) here, going through the same thing. You are not alone.

She has no choice.
Like a two year old, she'll get over it and get use to them. Loving discipline
Cant take a chance on getting an infection
Now, help me with my husband who wears pull ups, but wets in corners, in the kitchen, in the trash can, in the garage, etc,

There are washable panties that you can buy online. They vary in absorbency, but if she really doesn't want to wear disposable briefs, they might help. They have varying degrees of absorbency. Vitality Medical is one company, but I haven't had any experience with their products, just read about them.

Irene: You could say "Mom, I wear a feminine pad (even if you presently don't)." Something to make her not be so embarrassed and eventually she may tire of washing out the underpants and clothes.

My answer will be direct, but let me give context. My father died with Alzheimer’s after a 15 year journey. I lead education groups called Caregiver Academy at two hospitals and I work in hospice. I see the end results of caregiver decisions. If you continue like this, your mother will develop debilitating urinary tract infections and skin breakdown around her labia. Very painful and difficult to heal. UTIs can heighten her dementia symptoms until you get the infection under control. Incontinence of bowel lies ahead of you and you know you absolutely don’t need her messing around in her feces. Go ahead and Pick this battle now, toss all the panties, don’t argue with her, just smile, be gentle, and help her put them on. Maybe you put on a pair with her, and other women in the family. “Look Mom, these are the new fad!” Let her pull her nutty with you all standing in solidarity with her. (They’re actually quite comfortable.) Remember never to argue with a person who has dementia. Enter their world and try to have fun and smiles while you can. Your job is to take the best care you can of her physical well-being first, then her emotional state. Give her a treat for compliance.
Good luck.

They have incontinence underwear that is like regular underwear. Icon is one brand. It should be OK for leaks, but probably not if she needs reminders about toileting.

Have her try pads.

poise pads or maybe double layer cotton undies? what if someone she respected like her pastor or a good friend walked in the house hugged her and said oh my you smell like pee!

At her age she may be uncomfortable discussing certain things because that's the way they were raised, you just don't talk about certain topics. She may also have a hard time accepting the need for using incontinence products, or any other assistive device. They will think I'm old. They are, as we will be too some day but do not want to admit it. MIL absolutely HATED when she needed to wear depends. Bought her the fancy ones and was somewhat mollified. With beginning of dementia the best you can do is replace underwear with the depends. If not she will continue to wear underwear instead of the depends. Tho she denies having a problem to you she is aware of it because she is consciously washing her underwear out on her own. She is probably embarrassed. Speaking to her doctor about the situation may help because doctors are all knowing and orders taken more seriously than whatever we say.

Take her underwear completely away. Put Tena or Depends pants in their place. Don’t infantilize it or the problem by calling them what children’s products are called. No grown woman wants to wear pullups. Underpants. Mom, here are your new underpants! Aren’t they pretty! They look so comfy! She will have no choice unless she goes commando. If that happens, she has to sit on chucks/chux pads then.

.my dad Refused to admit that he was in had this problem & Refused to “ wear a diaper” . For the last 10 years before he died., He had Crohn's and refused to attend to his needs. “ That med doesn’t work” He was mentally together. but he had a mental block. Others had to clean up afterwards & he went on like nothing happened , I have bought mattress , sheets, hotel sets. My brother visited & rented a car. He to had pay to mega-cleaning $$$. of seats. When he were out, I threw his couch away, I got a new one ( thank you K Mart) I did this 3 times. He ruined 2 tuxedo’s. When we went football stadium for a College game, his urine ran down the bleachers. He never changed. Even Home Health care tried— no change He loved catheter’s. I wonder why?
men never had to wear protection growing up. So it’s difficult for them. He was stubborn. He checked himself out of AL. 2 times.
Praying for you🌟