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Mom's been in Memory Care for about 3 months. This move came after a terrible start at an AL where she was for only 3 weeks. She had a fall there which landed her in the hospital and rehab for 2 months. The AL would not take her back so we found a Memory Care facility which she seemed to like. Initially, she was participating in activities, was happy and making friends. Lately, though, she's saying she is going home and has stopped going to many of the activities. It's like she doesn't want to bother engaging with people she won't be seeing anymore. She knows what her home is (it's not like she's thinking about her childhood home). She talks about my brother's dog running down to visit her and missing that. It's too bad that the dog can't visit her in the facility but he has bitten her 4 times in the past and was voted off the island.


We still have her house although we are starting to clean it out and will be making a decision whether to sell or rent. She cannot ever move back there as she needs 24/7 assistance and in-home care did not work out. So, I struggle with what to say to her when she says she is "going home tomorrow". This happened in our phone conversation yesterday. I just said I was surprised and asked how was she going to get there. I then changed the subject and she didn't bring it up again. But, it's been happening more frequently and I am concerned that she is just sitting in her room now and not engaging with others.


Any suggestions on what worked for you? I've thought about saying the doctor has to sign off on any discharge and until her arm heals, she needs to be someplace where she can get assistance. Her arm will never completely heal so that is a reason that would work for a long time. Maybe this a phase and it will pass? Just when I thought we were going in the right direction and things were looking up too.

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Hi - I operate several assisted living group homes and see this all the time. Residents tell me they are going home tomorrow. At first I wanted to tell them the truth, but I could tell it would upset them a lot. My caregivers and managers who have a lot more experience than me explained that people with Alzheimer's and Dementia live in an altered reality. The real key is to keep them from getting upset by bursting their bubble. So I tried a compromise. I tell them they are in a place which is trying to help them improve. Once they reach a certain level of health they can go home. This is not totally untrue. If they were to improve they could go home. And we really try to help them improve (very nutritious food, exercise, lots of activities etc.). We also try to tell them that they have to do their part and work with us. That helps motivate them to engage in more activities. The social stimulation helps to lessen the effects.
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Tell her that her participation in activities is an important part of her doctor's orders and plan to help her go home. No participating = no going home.

My FIL who has mild dementia also sits in his apartment most of the time doing nothing of value. When I visit him, I grab the monthly activity calendar and read it out loud. I circle anything that peeks his interest, put the calendar on his breakfast table, and remind him to check his calendar at breakfast. It's helped a little bit. There's only so much you can do. Your mother is where she needs to be.
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Maybe trying to figure out what the emotion is behind her wanting to go home. Is it fear of where she is now? Or is she missing something in particular at home? And address those emotions. Distraction is also a good tactic here. "you want to go home? Yes, I'm sure you do, how long have you lived there again? And where did you live before that? Oh, I've never been there, what was it like?....." It's never easy, and it may never stop. Deeep breaths............
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I would pass it off to the MC facility, something to the effect "When MC says you have improved to the point you can go home, I will let you know". Then, let it go, as she will forget about it anyway, not to say she won't bring it up again, but, the time element from when she last asked you will be lost, so she will think this is a whole new question. As for her not attending functions, talk to the activities director about this, in the home my step father is in, they come to the door and remind them and encourage them to join in.
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