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BarelyAdult, can you let us know how things are going for your Mom. We continue to hold you in thoughts.
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lealonnie1 Oct 2020
Here's what she just said Alva:
Thank you, I met with the social worker yesterday. They are doing all they can for her, throwing everything at the problems, but she is so weak now. They are telling me that it’s not good and to be prepared to have her die. I can’t believe this is happening. I can’t survive this world without her

It’s sepsis. We are at the end of possible treatments. I had to tell them dnr today. The downward slide was quick these past two days. I think this is it. I won’t make it without her
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So sorry you are going through this...I am sending you a huge hug!!!

When my father was dying it felt like my heart was getting shredded. Still does sometimes. One teeny tiny thing that helped when I was in the hospital was I asked friends to send cute and funny videos. Then I went into the restroom or on any break I looked at kitten videos. Those mini breaks reminded me of another reality out there, such a small thing helped me so much.

Giving you another huge bear hug...
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Hello, good morning!
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Keep hoping for the best outcome...will check back with you again.
🌹
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{{{{More hugs tonight! }}}} 🧸️🧸️🧸️🧸️🧸️🧸️🧸️
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((((Hugs)))))
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You seem to have a very good grasp of what is happening with your Mom, BarelyAdult. She has sepsis which is systemic (all systems) infections, traveling to multiple organs now through the blood stream. She is almost certain on best antibiotics we have for whatever has cultured out. Our worst infections now can be immune to methicillins and vancomycin; our bugs have become immune due to our overuse of antibiotics in this country.
You mention she is on the vent and dialysis. I know that they will have to her with all of her major system, lungs, kidneys and etc coming under attack it is now touch and go, a second to second battle for her life, which they will wage. What at worst happens is that the entire body goes into a sort of "shock" and the blood pressure collapses. They work hard putting in fluid when needed, getting it out as needed and removing poisons from it with dialysis, but once shock comes in there are times when there is nothing to be done. My brother went into sepsis from a cellulitis only. He didn't want to either stay in hospital and fight at 85; he chose hospice and no intubation and passed peacefully with medication. Your Mom is young. She is fighting and they are fighting FOR her. You seem to be getting good information and updates. Our thoughts are with you.
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Barely, I'm so sorry this is happening to your mom and to you.

I've been in your exact place 16 years ago when my mom had a brain hemorrhage out of the blue, I know that panic. I felt so lost that I wouldn't even think to write in a forum like this, or have half of your lucidity. My mom has been in a coma for 3 months, every 2 hours there was a new emergency, or at least it felt like that. It was almost impossible to bear. Almost. Because I'm here today, and my mom is too. 16 years later.

Be strong, as you are proving to be, for her and for yourself. Hold her hand, even if she's uncoscious. Talk to her with the CERTAINTY that she can hear you, because she can. Not with her ears, she will listen to you through her hand, and through her soul. When she came out of her coma, my mom told me she could hear me.

Nothing is impossible in this life. Your mom is still young. Think that she will make it.

I hug you, very tight.
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BA, thinking of you and mom.

1. Have you been in touch with her PCP to ask if there was anything else going on that s/he might like to add in terms of history for her current docs?

2. Tell the nurse in charge of the ICU that you would like to meet with the hospitalist tomorrow and need to have the Chaplain and/or SW present.

You want to ask the hospitalist to explain to you in plain English what mom's prognosis is. And what s/he woukd do if this was THEIR parent.

(I once took my mom to a wonderful Gastroenterologist who explained what he proposed to do. I said "would you allow your 93 year old mother with dementia to undergo that procedure?". He said "H*ll no!".

((((Hugs)))))
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BarelyAdult76 Oct 2020
Thank you, I met with the social worker yesterday. They are doing all they can for her, throwing everything at the problems, but she is so weak now. They are telling me that it’s not good and to be prepared to have her die. I can’t believe this is happening. I can’t survive this world without her
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2. Ask doctors if they are treating with antibiotics for Sepsis, or UTI. ?
3. Ask if one medication (like Cipro), an antibiotic, can be causing her side effects. Can they change the antibiotic? Have you read the side effects of any meds she is taking?
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BarelyAdult76 Oct 2020
It’s sepsis. We are at the end of possible treatments. I had to tell them dnr today. The downward slide was quick these past two days. I think this is it. I won’t make it without her
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Caregivers,
This thread is evolving from the questions about the will, to:
What does she ask the doctors?

1) Has she been tested for Covid? Is this Covid?

Anyone else have some ideas?

Thanks everyone for being here for "Barely".
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BarelyAdult76 Oct 2020
Covid negative. They suspect some sort of infection but can not locate source until stable. “Multiple organ failure” has been said. Liver is damaged, pancreas has cyst or lesions, gallbladder may be problem too. On dialysis for kidneys, heart and lungs were strong, she was cognitively perfect until sedated. Can’t do much until she gets stabilized, Blood pressure up and down constantly. Really thought she was headed the right direction in small victories yesterday and the day before, but today I feel more hopeless than ever. I have no idea how to live without her. I don’t think I can.
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Listen, some things things happen that aren't your fault; that are out of your control entirely, and nothing you 'could have' done would have prevented this outcome with your mother. SHE was the one who should have told her doctor the truth, or gone to the ER sooner, since she'd already had experience with pancreatitis and knew the seriousness of the potential health crisis she was facing. So, don't blame yourself here, first of all. You did nothing wrong.

Crying and sobbing uncontrollably means YOU are losing control of yourself and considering your mother dead & buried before she actually IS! Pull yourself together because you need to be strong now. See if you can get an RX for a small dose of Xanax to help calm you down. Sometimes, when emotions run away with us, the BODY needs to calm down and THEN the mind comes along for the ride, do you know what I mean? You're upset, and rightly so, but realize that your mother is in good hands where she's at, and the doctors will likely stabilize her and she'll heal from this incident. One day at a time is the approach to take.........sometimes it's one minute at a time. But do NOT count her out yet, okay? She's relatively young at 73 and has a good chance of being alright. That's the message to keep repeating to yourself.

Don't worry about where you will live; the others have given you good advice about that aspect of things.

What I don't like is your boyfriend's attitude here. When you need him most, he is acting annoyed with you, as if you're doing something wrong?? Come on.......this is his chance to STEP UP and if he can't do that, he needs to step AWAY and you need to kick his arse to the curb. The last thing you need is more stress from an immature b/f who doesn't know how to provide comfort and care to his g/f who needs him right now. Or how to put his own needs aside to look after you. Even if he feels like you're 'overreacting' or whatever........he STILL needs to provide you with support right now. Tell him, if you can't do that buster, then VAMOOSE.

Please take care of YOU right now and don't forget those words. Eat, sleep, bathe......do all the things you need to do to function. Ask the doctor for something to help you relax, and then try praying and/or meditating to regain your center. Think positive thoughts and, like Momshelp said, remember to breathe.

Please keep us updated b/c we really DO care! Hugs and prayers sent your way, dear woman.
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BarelyAdult76 Oct 2020
I know that these doctors and nurses are doing their best and I am grateful for all they are doing to help my mom, I try to keep remindIng myself of all of their compassion and skill. I will do my best to focus on her healing and less on the “what if’s” that are torturing me.
I will do my best to follow your advice, put aside my fears and try to be more moment to moment.
Im pretty shocked and deeply hurt at my BFs reactions. I know that he is upset and depressed about our moving plans being blown out of the water by this, but this is my MOM, this is my mom’s life and my life. I just feel so afraid and isolated. I was collapsed on the floor in the grip of panic and despair and to have him react angrily and heap shame on me for one instance of housework oversight I couldn’t even process it.

Thank you again for your advice, I’m so very grateful that I took a chance on this website and that everyone here has come to help me. Thank you for listening to a stranger cry out for support and responding so kindly.
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All I can offer is to remember to breath. You’re 44 & im guessing you feel 4 losing your mom, your best friend. You’re going through a crisis so your focus needs to stay on the basics, food, hygiene, sleep & spending time with your mom that supports her & comforts you. This time at her bedside is a blessing if she doesn’t pull through. If she does it’s a reminder you need to get some things in place for the future so you’re more prepared for the business side of moms passing. The emotional Im not sure you can prepare for but the POA, will, house insurance, taxes, bills all of that in order will give you some calm. Glad you’ve found the chaplain & the social worker should have some resources for you. This too shall pass. Just breath.
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BarelyAdult76 Oct 2020
Thank you I appreciate your help and insight. Yes, I feel like a terrified child, not an adult that can face this. That’s exactly it.
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Barely ((((hugs))))), hang in there.
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BarelyAdult76 Oct 2020
Thank you. I am doing all I can to keep it together.
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Just checking in on our new friend.
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BarelyAdult76 Oct 2020
Back at the hospital now. She had made some gains but then had a “spontaneous” collapsed lung as a complication of the vent. They just inserted a chest tube to re-inflate.
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How are you doing now?
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BarelyAdult76 Oct 2020
I get a piece of good news but then something else happens to knock my hopes away again, this is the worst thing I have ever had to witness. It’s like being torn apart every day. I don’t know how this happened so quickly and so suddenly.
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Start a notebook journal now. Get one at the gift shop in the morning taking notes, questions to ask the doctors, and listing things you might need to be doing.

Do you have a favorite bible verse, an inspirational quote, or encouragement that you could read daily?

One of mine is: "I can do all things through Christ, Who strengthens me".
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BarelyAdult76 Oct 2020
I have been taking notes because I can’t remember anything they tell me ten minutes after we talk. It prevents me from constantly pestering the staff.
Im not even sure what questions I should be asking.
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It sounds more true that you are a capable adult with some panic emotions.

"I managed to find and pay the property taxes that were due, the electric bill and a few other small bills that are only in her name. "

Give yourself some credit.
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BarelyAdult76 Oct 2020
Thank you. I hope that you are right
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Avoid what is called "All or nothing thinking" in cognitive therapy.
It tends to feed your fears and panic.

1) It is no longer true that you will be alone. You have us. You have a boyfriend (who may be very scared, or not even worthy of you.)

2) You have your Mom's house to return to. That can be settled later, but you will not be homeless today, and maybe not tomorrow either.
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BarelyAdult76 Oct 2020
Thank you for reminding me about the all or nothing thoughts. It’s not the first time that I’ve been warned against this tendency. Also thank you and everyone else for responding.
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Ok, from what I know about panic attacks, and people who have them,,,,you are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for.
Take a small dose of any prescribed medication for you to keep yourself calm.

You are young, and sometimes with enough information, we can figure these things out.

If a husband or boyfriend is being cruel at a time like this, give me his address and I will send a U.S. Marine over there to set him straight. Are you in the U.S.? (joking).

We are caregivers, we can help you better if you can answer any facts on the main post, and not so much on the reply feature.
There will be others coming alongside to help you.

Many are reading right now, and in the early morning. Thinking of ways to support you.

Try not to imagine the worse. Wait until the doctors can give you facts about your Mom. I personally have known so many whose organs have been shutting down, and survived years later. Still, it sounds serious for your mother. Is this all of a sudden, her illness?
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BarelyAdult76 Oct 2020
Yes this was very sudden. I was away from the home for the weekend and came home to her saying that she had back pain, constipation and lacked appetite. I noticed she was bloated. She wanted to just rest, take a laxative and call her primary care to make an appointment to get a referral for her back pain issue. I let her do what she wanted because I couldn’t seem to reverse the parent/child role. I tried to get her to eat and drink (she did so minimally) begged her, and threatened to call the hospital. She told me that she had spoken with her primary, and that He was sending referral scrips but I sensed that she wasn’t completely honest with him about what was going on. I let her do it her way, and in hindsight I should have acted faster and defied her sooner. I called her primary behind her back after 6days and told him everything. He said ER and we were there immediately. That was the Friday before this past. She walked to the ambulance with some assistance and it has been a downward spiral ever since.
I believe she thought she was having a bout of pancreatitis (she was hospitalized once before for it several years ago) and decided to self treat by limiting her food and drink intake.
The staff says she has liver damage and kidney damage and possible problems with her gall bladder and pancreas. She consented to the vent the night she was admitted but has been sedated ever since. Nothing can be treated until they can stabilize her. Today is the ninth day of ICU. I tried to edit this info into the original post, but I am unable to make edits cause I don’t know how.
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You are going to need to take a break, get a shower, and some rest and food.

How are you in that department?
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BarelyAdult76 Oct 2020
I am having a difficult time doing these things due to the extreme anxiety. My appetite is gone and sleep is next to impossible because I am fearful of the hospital calling at any moment.
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Are you renting?
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BarelyAdult76 Oct 2020
for the past few years I have paid rent to my mother while I tried to get on my feet. She owns her own home, where I also live with her.
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Can you provide more info on your circumstances?

Many caregivers have the same fears, about becoming homeless, losing their house after their parent passes.

It can all be managed, in so many ways.

Maybe there is just so much you do not yet know.
Maybe there is a will, or life insurance that you are unaware of?

There will be help for you. Are you a senior yet?
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BarelyAdult76 Oct 2020
I know for a fact that there is no will, no life insurance and no preplanning or directives of any kind.
I am 44, but I’m not versed in any thing of this sort. My only experience with “real world” things In my life has been maintaining employment and renting apartments here and there. I am so over my head and don’t understand financial or legal things. All I know is what I don’t know. It’s so much to bare.
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Where are you living now?

If you have been a live-in caregiver for your Mom for a certain number of years, I think there is something about inheriting the house, but you would need to pay upkeep, mortgage, expenses.

Maybe when this crisis in ICU passes, you should inquire if she has mortgage insurance, life insurance, or if the home is paid for, if she owns one.

Or sell it and buy a home for yourself.

Focus on Mom right now. Talk to us and remain calm.
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BarelyAdult76 Oct 2020
There is no mortgage. The house is owned by her outright. There is no life insurance but she has two franklin funds, one is an IRA (I don’t know what that is, but I know that it exists). She has been totally independent and functional up until two weeks ago when she began getting ill. I am still in the house and spend every available visitation hour at her bedside. She is fully sedated since she was admitted 9 days ago.
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A Will makes things easier but its not needed. Especially if ur her only living relative. You will go to the County probate office and ask to be an Administrator. You will do exactly what an Executor does. Pay the bills, get all her assets together. The difference is the the Court will determine who gets her estate and that probably be you. Thats just basic, each State is different.
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BarelyAdult76 Oct 2020
Thanks for your suggestions, I really appreciate the guidance
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Dear "BarelyAdult76,"

Along with asking to see the hospital social worker as "Isthisrealyreal" suggested, you could also speak with the hospital Chaplain to help give you comfort and support when it comes to your feelings of doubts and fears.

I'm so sorry that you are going through this all on your own and I will be praying for both you and your mom - that you will feel God's love, peace and comfort surrounding you during this most difficult of times.


"Be still and know that I am God..." Psalm 46:10
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BarelyAdult76 Oct 2020
The hospital Chaplin has been very kind to me. Thank you for your kind words and suggestion.
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I am so sorry. Can you tell us a little more about yourself and your Mom, BarelyAdult? Can you tell us how old you are, and how old your Mom is? A little about what happened? Do you have any support at all, any family or friends?
The one thing I can tell you is not to worry right now about a will. If you are your Mother's next of kin, then you will be appointed, if you are not a minor, as the person to settle her estate. There are rules in states that dictate how an estate is to be divided among heirs in the event of no will.
You may need help with doing that, perhaps a lawyer, but it is pretty much as simple as filings to the court and getting appointed executor to begin with. That is if, goodness forbid, your Mom doesn't make it, and that can't yet be known.
For now, contact the Social Worker at the Hospital and tell her of your terror, and of feeling alone and helpless. She can begin to give you resources.
Try to take this a day at a time; right now it is about your Mom's hoped for recovery. Try not to be scared about handling the legalities; we are all scared by new things. At 76 I took over managing my brother's trust and estate and didn't know a thing! I was panicked as any 16 year old could ever be. A day at a time, I got through, and I learned a whole lot. My best wishes out to your Mom.
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BarelyAdult76 Oct 2020
I’m 44, but have no really real world experience. I’ve held jobs and had an apartment before, but not much else. Mom is 73. She is my best friend and the only person I felt I could ever trust to always have my back. Her liver is failing and there are a bunch of other organ issues that can’t begin to be addressed until they can stabilize her blood pressure and breathing. We currently live together in her home and she has always been on top of everything. I managed to find and pay the property taxes that were due, the electric bill and a few other small bills that are only in her name. She thankfully has Medicare and AARP supplement or we would be in even more trouble.
As far as support goes, I sometimes reach out to my closer Facebook friends to talk online, but they are all out of state and don’t have any experience with this type of situation. My boyfriend tries to support me emotionally, but he quickly gets impatient and easily frustrated with my panic attacks, sobbing and inability to function. My attention being focused on my mother and this sudden horrible situation and away from him has made him almost cruel at times.
I will speak to the social worker as you and others here have suggested. I’ll try to pull myself together and think of questions I need answered and hopefully they can help.
Thank you so much for taking the time to reach out to a total stranger in pain.
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I am so sorry that your mom is struggling for her life. Great big warm hug!

You will be her next of kin and with no other family everything will go to you.

Ask to see a social worker at the hospital. They can probably direct you to the proper authorities to help you understand what happens if she loses her battle.

May God heal her body and give you comfort and strength during this difficult time.
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BarelyAdult76 Oct 2020
Thank you for reaching out. I will do my best to contact the hospital social worker on Monday. I spoke with her briefly a few days ago, but I was too much of a wreck to do anything but sob. I’ll try to think of more concrete things to ask for her guidance on. It’s so difficult to stop panicking and think clearly. My heart is being torn apart. Thank you for your suggestion.
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