My Mom fell and now I'm in a panic. I've tried and tried to get her to start making plans but she always made the excuse that she was too tired etc. Now I don't want her to go back to her apartment because even before the fall I knew she needed more care than I could give. There are no plans made....No POA no funeral arrangements nothing. I don't know where to start. I know I sound like a complete idiot but I am disabled also and work I can't sort my brain out right now. I'm worried about her savings for funeral costs and her bills.
.sooner than later because she is probably still mentally able to sign the documents. Start there.
If she's going to another living arrangement, she will have to pay for that. Its not required that you sell a home (if she has one), but you have to be able to maintain it out of the available funds as well. In other words, the assisted living/nursing home gets paid first until the money is gone. She then can apply for Medicaid and I believe is still allowed to keep like $2000 for funeral costs. I'm not sure that you can pre-pay a funeral now to avoid it going to a care home.
What other sort of bills does she have other than the standard lights, heat, phone?
And again...just take a deep breath. One step at a time.
hug!!
i hope many people on this website have great advice for you.
i just want to say, i'm sorry for your mother and for you -- her falling, kidney, etc.
i hope she pulls through!!
some elderly people have enormous strength and pull through, despite emergencies. i hope she recovers very soon!!
bundle of joy
All you can do is all you can do.
About her possible return to her apartment: that's up to her. Just because you can't provide the care or support she needs doesn't mean that nobody can. (She doesn't have "early onset" dementia, by the way, seeing as she's 91; you mean she is in the early stages of dementia, and that shouldn't incapacitate her too much to discuss her arrangements with social workers and discharge planners.)
Pay attention to whatever discussions are taking place but only to make sure that any proposed plans do NOT rely on your participation; beyond that, if your mother can sort things out to suit herself, good luck to her.
You're also not responsible for paying for her funeral: her estate is, and if there is no estate then your local municipal authorities must manage it. So sit easy and find something more cheerful to talk to her about.
If she has been diagnosed with dementia she can not assign POA since she is not cognizant. If it is not an "official" diagnosis you can try to get her to sign papers appointing you or someone else as POA.
You may have to discuss with an Elder Care Attorney the best course of action. Could be application for Medicaid. If she is a Veteran the VA may be of help if that is the case contact your local Veterans Assistance Commission to determine how much help you/she can get.
The important thing now is to make it very clear that to discharge her to her home is unsafe and that you can not care for her.
As for her end of life stages and subsequent final arrangements, it is important you do all you can to get her to give you the power to act on her behalf. If she will not, you have no choice but to let her eat the fruit of her own way.
My mother is 89. She us more stubborn than a mule. Evidence of age related dementia is showing. Yet, in all my efforts, she refuses to give me any authority to act on her behalf. She claims I’m just going to lock her up and throw away the key. Therefore, I am unable to make any decisions once she gets beyond a place where she is not cognitive enough to care for herself. The state where she lives (Colorado) will end up making all her arrangements for care and she’s not going to like it. As for her passing, I will simply tell the state to cremate her and ship her cre-mains to me.
I want to help, but her stubbornness won’t allow me to do as such.
Give your mom the facts and move on. Tell her you love her and move on. While as a child you have the desire to help her, you are not responsible for her bad choices.
Dizzerth had the best advice! You need to get it done before she is unable to give any kind of consent. If it goes that far, you may have to have a judge give you a conservatorship, and that takes time.
You're getting goo advice here. I pray all goes well for you. You are among friends who've been there!
make sure discharge knows she is an unsafe discharge & you are disabled and WILL NOT be able to care for her. They will intensely pressure you, even make promises to “help” but do not believe this.
Work on getting HIPAA form to become your mom’s Medical Representative, and help her create her Advance Healthcare Directive.
That is step one.
Tell the social worker that you have suspected Mom is no longer OK alone. That you may need a temporary guardianship. Ask if she can help you obtain that.
A lawyer WILL come to the hospital to help you and Mom do a POA. It will be expensive (think 2,000 to 3,000) and in some jurisdictions a temporary guardianship would be quicker and easier; some social workers can get them by a phone call.
So that is your ability to act for Mom in an emergency as a start.
The problem now becomes getting the POA for health care directive/advanced directive so that doctors can discuss diagnosis with you.
When things are left to come to this it is always a mess. But try not to get terrified and realize that only a few things need to be addressed right now so you can act for your Mother. Those few things are what is crucial for the next days and the testing that will go on. And the Social Worker can be your touchstone for them. I hope you have a really good one at this hospital.
Let dr know that there is no one to help her in her home, so after rehab maybe they can just move her to NH or assisted living facility from the rehab. It's very possible the rehab also has NH beds and you won't have to have the big discussion with her about final living destination. (She will want to go home, but dr recommends NH. If care just changes from rehab to permanent, she may not see the difference and will think she is still rehabbing)
If you have siblings, you can talk to them to see if they want her to move in with them. Without some kind of financial situation that will afford 24/7 care or other family 24/7 involvement, she's probably going to need to stay with facility care. Once at rehab, you can talk to social workers about applying for Medicaid NH bed to see if she qualifies. She'll have to use her own money for payment until she gets under the limit allowed in savings, checking, or other assets like that. If she makes too much money each month, she may just become self pay for the NH. Also if over the income limit, you might need to talk to an elder atty to set up a trust - where some of her income goes to the trust for med expenses and the rest goes to pay the NH. Atty can also discuss funeral cost/payment and how to set that up.
As others have said, if she won't cooperate you can't do anything but protect yourself. Don't worry about funeral arrangements. That will take care of itself when the time comes.
Let the hospital know that you cannot provide care. Period. Ask them to send Mom to rehab. Rehab can do a neuro-psych evaluation to determine if she is safe to discharge home alone. If Mom is sent home, get her an alert bracelet that stays on full time.
If she self-discharges AMA (against medical advice) she is on her own. Insurance can deny further care. Make sure she hears this.
Try to find a copy of her will no matter when it was written so you are prepared for the worst.
Pray.
Then make a list of all the things that you think might be issues. First and foremost, top of the list is to ask for a social worker or your mother's doctor to request an assessment of your mother's abilities for self-care. Under this write a statement that for xy and z reasons you cannot be relied upon for any care beyond managing your mother's finances (unless you want a court-appointed guardian to care for them, too). You write all of these things down and have them in front of you during your phone calls and meetings with others so that you can look at them and remind yourself of your position.
Take all the time YOU need to get yourself prepared for the meetings you will probably have. You will need to take care of yourself, get your rest, keep your resolve. It actually helps a lot to refuse to accept a meeting until you are ready for it. You will also need to make sure that your mother understands that you absolutely will NOT become her physical caregiver. Be prepared to repeat yourself a lot. It doesn't sound as though she listens to you very well.
By the way, you are not the "complete idiot" in your family. You did try to plan and prepare. It is not your fault if your mother was uncooperative. When (not if) others try to compel you to step in and care for your Mom tell them that you already tried that and it did not work.
Facilities often have the forms on hand, or call the local Area on Agency and ask if they can email you blank copies of the documents.
A hospital or nursing home or ALF may have a notary on staff, or have contact information to give you so that you can contact that person and have them visit you and your mom to have you explain what the form is about and what you cannot do if it is not signed.Calmly, simply.You or notary then asks her if she understands and agrees with this information. THEN she can sign it, in the notary's presence.
Set the visit up in advance. 10-11AM is usually the best part of the day..and making sure she is not coming back from PT or a test or receives medication that AM will make it go easier.
You can prepay for a funeral now if your name is on her credit card or bank account...or do it once you get the POAs done.
Keep track of where her money goes, so that if you need to apply for Medicaid ini the future, you will be able to provide 5 years of documents and there will be no unexplained expenses.
Second - don't hide or hesitate to act on this! Not just for your parent, but for yourself. Get the POA to include bank accounts-real estate-personal property-medical decisions-etc, Living Will, DNA if you want that - whatever you don't have - in place immediately. Enlist your siblings if you have some. Then make those plans for her as she obviously cannot do it for herself.
Third - enlist the help of the hospital patient advocate to find and finance the appropriate post-hospital care for her.
Fourth - Talk to your chosen funeral home. Learn about costs, options, payment plans. Shop around if you have the time but, again, don't procrastinate.
Make a list of thigs that need to be done - keep remaking it with priority in mind. Cancel services at her apartment that are no longer necessary. Decide what (and how) to do with her apartment and the items in it (some may be able to go to her new living situation). Make arrangements for her pet. Keep records or a journal of everything.
My very best wishes to you!
Remember resources are available, it seemingly is overwhelming and rightly so. But use your time wisely, worrying is unproductive (and it took me fifty years to realize this). Do not be afraid to ask medical professionals questions and know they are there to help. Be open, honest and patient. Keep a notebook of who you talk to, date, what you are told. Even write the questions you want to ask. Calm down, take time to process and start
1. Communication
-ask questions (prepared)
-listen carefully
-take notes
2. Patience
3. Persistent
4. Pray (a lot)
Many families are facing this. Remember you are not alone.
Rely on the professionals.
Reminder: Take care of yourself!
Also, never, ever sign anything that makes you responsible for any charges or bills of your mothers - the facilities might try that too.
Stay calm, deep breaths, and keep thinking “I’m stronger than you know”. You’ll get through this.