Mom is in AL and feels trapped in her room because another resident keeps following her around. How should I handle this?

First, you are going to need to make an issue of this with the administration. My brother was quite with it when in ALF and his cottage had several instances where people were placed who actually required memory care. They had a council that met weekly for each cottage, and they had to go en masse to the administration. They were told that the caregivers had already reported there were issues in these cases, and that they were being expected to care for people who required a higher level of care; they were told that the ALF which had a memory care as part of the facility was trying to work with MDs and with family to keep their senior in ALF as the family would otherwise have to move this person to a nursing home as they could not afford the ALF MC facility.
So they did say this happens often, that they will try to work with seniors and family. However, if this is not working then they do (and did in these cases) address the issue. That won't happen without YOUR input.
Speak to the caregivers in your facility. Tell them that you think that this poor woman is in need of higher level of memory care, and that they must be overwhelmed with attempting care of her with their staffing.Ask to speak to administration. Be calm an cooperative but let them know that they have a person who is disruptive to the norm of care level expected in ALF. Tell them you understand some of these issues, but that your Mother is being very disturbed and you might actually have to move her, something you don't wish to do.
Your Mom doesn't wish to speak to staff, but this isn't really her choice. This is an issue that MUST be addressed, not just for your Mom but for all involved. If you don't wish to speak with staff first, and if Mom would be disturbed, call and make an appt with the admin.
Best of luck and hope you'll update us.

I would start by verifying that this is a true account of what is happening. Does the resident do this when you are visiting? Often when our LOs begin to have mild cognitive issues, they don't get their stories straight or interpret occurrences accurately. For example, when my MIL when into temp. rehab after a minor fall, she was telling me that at night the staff was having "cat fights" outside her door "every night". She could have been sundowning. Not sure what she was hearing but this was a tiny facility with a single corridor and she may have been hearing another patient's tv. She shared a room and no complaint from the other roommate.

If your mother's story can be verified by other resident or by the staff, then admin needs to deal with this.

It does work, my LO's only friend in their SNF was moved to a secure ward because they kept going into people's rooms and would shadow others triesly. Towards the tail end they would only shadow my LO, but by then it was too late. They already amassed a plethora of reports and complaints from other resident and family members. It will take time but administration will eventually get on it.

The staff may not be aware of this particular issue — they may even think your Mom and this other resident are friends! — so please highlight it and let them know he is bothering her. They will redirect him, etc. if they know it is an issue.

When my mother lived in Memory Care Assisted Living, she always managed to have an issue of some kind with another resident. One in particular named Denny who was very advanced with his dementia and who she hated with every ounce of her being. She called him all sorts of derogatory names and had zero tolerance for him 'following her around' in spite of the fact that Denny was harmless. If he knocked on her door, God forbid, she'd call me screaming bloody murder, literally, that he was making her sooooooooo nervous that she could not function. She'd even make up wild stories that Denny 'punched caregivers in the stomach b/c he was vicious' which was a bald faced LIE.

I contacted the Executive Director of the Memory Care and we had a chat. I told her that mom was seriously worked up over Denny, and asked what we could do about it? I wanted Denny to stop knocking on mom's door entirely. So the ED tried a few things to deter him from approaching mom's door; they didn't work. He was still 'bothering' mom by knocking on her door. So the ED tried pulling a large leather chair in front of mom's door to the point that Denny could not get his wheelchair close enough to mom's door to knock on it. Problem solved. He soon lost interest entirely in my mother and moved on.

If your mother is complaining to you, then you need to contact the administration who can help you, regardless if mom 'doesn't want you to'. I had to listen to that nonsense myself! Mother, if you do not want me to get involved with your issues, then stop telling me what your issues are! Otherwise, I'M GETTING INVOLVED. Period.

My motto is this: all problems CAN be fixed; you just have to talk to the right person and then be persistent. PROVIDING what your mom is telling you is true. So the first course of action is to FACT CHECK. My mother was prone to 'exaggeration', let's call it.........so my first line was to fact check everything she said before I did ANYTHING! LOL. Keep that in mind as you get involved with managed care and elderly mothers in general, esp if there's dementia or cognitive impairment involved, or if your mother is prone to 'exaggeration' like mine was.

Wishing you the best of luck!

Talk to the administration about your mother's concerns. Nobody should come into her room without her permission. If she feels uncomfortable with a person following her around all day, something should and can be done to divert his attention away from her.

Mom's door could be locked, at least from the outside. I do not do needy well. Someone following me around would freak me out . Also, feeling that could just walk into my room that I pay big bucks for and have a right not to have people walking in on me. If this person cannot be redirected maybe an AL is not where they should be.

We had an identical issue. At the last place I complained…he stalked her, harassed her and tried following her into her room. I asked for help to get him away from mom..Nothing was done until he entered her room and punched her in the face!!!! Yup…a full face hit seen by staff. she was moved to another wing away from him within 15 minutes and I began a process to move her to another facility. Personally I would discuss it with administration and request she be moved asap! Ps…mom had a lock and key…he pushed his way in when she was going home after lunch!

This happened to my mom, in memory care. The facility accepted a woman who needed MUCH more care than they could offer. The woman insisted that my mom's room was hers, that photos of me on mom's dresser were actually pictures of her, and that my mom's stuffed things were hers as well. She would take my mom's things, she would wander into mom's room whenever she wanted, get on mom's bed, and finally she hit me. Yes folks, this little lady was out of her mind.

The facility was aware. They changed the lock to mom's room. They put the new key on a ribbon around mom's neck and of course, all the staff had mom's new key. That was helpful as mom was still somewhat lucid. In short order though, this woman became a major problem and her family was forced to hire an individual caregiver to be with her all the time, And finally, the facility had the woman removed.

Watching an adult holding a picture of you, insisting the photograph is of them, is a very strange experience. I also have to share about the day I was there and the woman threw herself on to the ground because, in her exact words, "they were having f*cking pizza for lunch". Wow!

I would definitely let the staff know. Once staff is aware she is uncomfortable they will keep an eye on the situation and can divert the other resident when he us near her.

you can tell the staff not to tell your Mom know you said anything. I have had to do that myself

Never keep information from those in charge of residents.
If something should happen and they knew that you were aware before hand than you gave the green light to the event.

Aside from saying that your mom is anxious you did not make it clear if she is of sound mind. If she is not of sound mind, even slightly, her decision making abilities are not to be taken into account especially when it comes to her safety.

My caregiver friend had a baby cam placed in her spouse's room and while monitoring from her home she called into the facility and reported that a resident, other than her spouse, was in his room going through his things.

It was a benign event but where does trespassing and the possible forms it can take stop?

I think I know what your mother means when referring to the person following her around as "his kind". I think you know too.
We live in such times where people get attacked for speaking plainly even if they have no malicious intent at all.
"His kind" to your mother likely means retarded or mentally ill. Is the person following her around young or old? This makes all the difference.
Your mother is totally freaked out. Who wouldn't be? I certainly would.
You speak to the administration of this place right away. Even if your mom doesn't want you to. Demand that this person stalking your elderly mother be kept away from her. If they refuse to do anything about it and brush your concerns aside which so often happens, go to the police and seek a restraining order. Stalking is a crime and is considered one even of the stalker is "special needs" or mentally ill. If the cops show up, the administration at the AL will do take care of the problem.

Definitely tell the staff, but explain that they not tell your mother that you did. They should be able to handle that. First, they can say they noticed it. Then control it.

First, verify what your mom is telling you. People have a way of exaggerating or outright lying. ( i'm not saying your mom does)
She tells you about a problem then "not let you" report it? Sounds like you're letting your mom call all the shots. Mistake.... She's drawing you in. Do the right thing and tell the staff. If mom finds out you reported it and doesn't like it, then oh well, she needs to stop telling you. Tell her you're there to help solve her problems.. not to help cover them up.

I would have HER tested for possible dementia. And I would privately speak to the staff management that this cannot be tolerated IF it is happening and they must stop it. If no one knows, how can it be fixed. And are you sure this is really happening or is she doing this for attention and wanting to come home. Also talk with the Office on Aging. Perhaps they can step in and help. And contact the county ombudsman. They are there to help seniors in these places.

Of course the staff needs to be aware of any situation that makes living there uncomfortable. I needed 6 weeks of AL care after a surgery for rehab. My roommate was a young woman who cried all the time. My son assisted me by moving me to another room. This was wonderful and didn't require proving my reality. He did let the staff know of my concerns in hopes that another person just like me didn't end up in my old room. I'm surprised by the number of responses suggesting that your mom's version of things needed to be verified. This goes without saying, but some responders appear to be assuming that the first thing needed was checking her mother out. I spent a month in another facility following a broken ankle in the worst pain I'd ever had. No one - from aides to physicians - believed me. Having had broken bones in the past, I knew that I was discharged from the hospital before the break was truly fixed. When I was went to the doctor's appointment a month later, an xray proved that the fracture was worsened because it was not properly fixed in the first place. Surgery was done and following that I had little pain and was able to complete rehab. I'm 81, mostly "with it," but I discovered how easily misjudged we elderly can be.

Firstof5: I suggest that you notify the administrator of the AL about this issue.

I am presently dealing with this from a different perspective. I have an apartment in an independent living facility. A resident, whom I enjoy, regularly sits with me at mealtime. We agree about a number of things and have good conversations. This is NOT memory care, and my friend seems mentally clear and well-oriented.
But she regularly complains about a male resident following her, bothering her, "stalking" her. According to her, he said something very inappropriate to her once. It really would have been, if he actually said what she claimed, but nobody else has heard him say anything similar. After listening to her complain almost daily about him, other residents and I suggested she talk to management or call the police (she won't consider the latter).

She claimed she's asked management to keep him away from her. (They really have no way to do this.) This is INDEPENDENT living, no assisted living, no supervision of anything but group activities. They tell her, quite correctly, that he has a right to sit in the lounge, ride the elevator etc.
But I worry about her. A couple of times, at meals, he's passed our table and greeted her specifically, in an apparently non-threatening way. Her response was yelling at him loudly to stay away from her and leaving the dining room without eating.
When he later asked me and a fellow diner what her problem is, we said we don't know, but suggested he just stay away from her completely, since she obviously doesn't want him around.

She has no family, doesn't drive, has only a long-time female friend who takes her shopping, to the doctor, out to eat occasionally etc. I have never met the friend, but I suspect the friend believes her. I'm not sure I do. It's none of my business, but more and more of our meals are being interrupted. I don't know how to help...or if I should even try. I've thought of eating at another table but don't know how to explain that to her kindly. The management here really doesn't care. She threatens to move out but has no place to go. She doesn't seem particularly "paranoid" about anything else. Any suggestions.