Mom is having bladder bowel issues, accidents and not getting to toilet quick enough. She’s resistant to needing protection. Suggestions?

I had some trying times with my Luz trying to get to the potty (bathroom) from the bed. She would get about half way and the flood gates would open. this was on the same spot daily.
I finally placed a pea pod mat at the site and it saved me a lot of work. There were other times and recurring places that I applied the same strategy.
This usually happened when her underwear was full and overflowed or she may have removed them after going to bed.

Pull up pants that are disposed of if soiled. Just tear the sides to remove. I kept a bunch of baby nappy bags in the bathroom for something to put the soiled ones in. And a pack of replacement pants there too. I always kept a reserve pack of pull up pants in my car too in case gone through a lot!

Pull up pants are as close to usual underwear as you'll get - so apart apart from being slightly more bulky - it will seem more normal for your mum to use.

**Best way is to start by replacing her normal pants with the pull ups whilst keeping a pack in the bathroom too. Removes the option of “forgetting” and putting her old ones on ... **

Best of luck - been there several times - hence the best way part... !

I booked an appointment with a Continence Nurse for my relative. Nurse told her the options were *cure* or *containment*. If cure not possible, then containment it is. Time to choose products from her gift bag to trial.

(You do want a Doctor to look into the problems first though!)

I was amazed how much the nurse said was accepted - well that's experience for ya! Good ole no-nonsence practical choices - denial was not an option. Having someone to discuss it without embarresment the trick - she'd seen it all before.

Hope you have a similar clinic, or resource. Good luck.

Relative now happy in more absorbant pullup style.

Portable commode next to bed. Mom uses Teena Pull UPs which we call fancy panties. 2 washable chucks and 4 disposable chucks in addition to plastic over mattress and plastic on top of that. She has a garbage can next to commode for all paper products. All essentials hang on a shoe rack behind her door which is near the commode. Changed her room around to accommodate this lay out. She can close the door for privacy. Use baby wipes, get her garbage can bags (Dollar Tree 4 gal. $1) sanitary hand lotion, toilet paper if necessary, absolutely baby wipes she wipes herself and removes any urine residue.

My mother vehemently denied the need for incontinence garments until the day she and I were riding the elevator up to her apartment in Assisted Living. She peed all over the carpet in the elevator, saturating it and her clothing as well.
Depends pull ups is what she's worn ever since. I order them from Amazon on the auto delivery program.

Well, mom is already using the Maximum. Has anyone found that the "overnight" are any better? When I asked about the "Extra laundry" charges I was told she won't get up at night to go (reading into the response that they are trying to get her up to go) and is soaking herself, linens and PJs. I see they offer an "overnight" choice, so I thought I might ask those here who have had some experience with them if they work better.
Mom had some recent falls (no injury) and now refuses to walk, won't work with OT/PT and is just being an obstinate jerk about it all. I asked that they notify me as extra charges are being made so I will know BEFORE we get the monthly bill! I only have enough money go into her account to cover the "rent" and a little extra for incidentals, etc. Rent is due on the 1st, has TWO extra charges on it and when I asked, we're not even into August and they already have two more pending...

So, are the "overnight" underwear really any better (they are more expensive!)?

All of the answers as to bed covers, diapers, pads, etc. are fine. But the question is why this is happening and what can be medically done. What about taking her to the toilet say, every hour, and making her sit there until she does something. Can medications help. If she is rebelling against wearing these items, then I would get extremely tough and firm with her and tell her that she will have to clean up and mess, and herself, you are no longer going to do anything because she won't cooperate. And let it happen once or twice (although you will have to clean up the mess on the floor). Let her feel dirty. It may help. When people become stubborn and uncooperative and what they are doing is horrific, they have to be stopped and treated very firmly - I assure you nothing else will work. Sad but true. And scare her and tell her you will remove her if she does not cooperate fully.

So many helpful suggestions here (even new ones to me), like the waterproof sheets and how to cover car seat (rubberized flannel).

Two (or three) specific issues here:
1 - what to wear on body;
2 - what to put on the bed (furniture, in car)
3 - dealing with resistance.

* Get a portable toilet next to her bed or wherever it is needed.
* You will likely need to try different items out and see what works.
* I call them 'disposal underwear; my main client calls them diapers.
* You could tell her some people pee in their pants from laughing too hard, regardless of their age. This may not diminish her feelings of embarrassment, however not feeling alone in these situations (or many situations) helps a person feel more understood and perhaps 'normal.' YOU ARE NOT ALONE (and neither are you).
* I've covered my client's mattress with a full queen size protective cover.
That never comes off (because there is enough over it so it doesn't have to).
* Either underneath the (regular) sheet - or on top of the sheet, I have a large fabric protector that can be washed as often as needed. These come in many sizes. The large one we have covers about 1/3 of a queen size bed. Sometimes, I use two since we have two (one is smaller because I didn't have the larger one at the time.)
* In my opinion, one cannot have too much of these items.
IMPORTANT: Always have:
1. Disposal gloves available
2. A can of disinfectant (lycol) - although it is strong (open windows or air out bathroom as much as you can);
3. Some kind of fragrance/air freshener (for when you need it around you when cleaning up.
4. A waste paper basket for this purpose when you need to throw things out quickly. Have it lined.
4a. Buy liners for the waste paper basket(s). I buy at Costco (garbage bag size and liner / small can size.
5. My client uses 'recycled bags (plastic) to put in her wet disposal underwear. These could be from the grocery store vegetable dept., bags from items that are shipped in the mail; if your mom would put these soiled items in a bag and 'wrap it up,' it will help.
6. I've learned to use a large garbage bag in the bathroom so it can be easily tied or secured / closed. The smaller bags don't have enough 'bag' leftover to really help reduce the stench.
7. Get a waste paper basket in the bathroom that will close. One that needs to be open(ed) with a foot or something like that. I couldn't get my client to buy one, but I surely tried. I use Lysol as often as I can (and spray on floor and/or carpet, esp when client goes out to lunch and I can air out her room. (Some may take issue with the chemicals; we all do what we feel we need to do in any given circumstance). No judgment here.
8. Get the carpet shampooed reasonably regularly. I've seen my client 'pee all the way into the bathroom from her bed/ studio-one room.
* * *

You could suggest that much younger women are glad that they wore a feminine pad for those occassional times when they sneezed (oh - oh). My late mother was a VERY SMART lady when she suggested that I wear one for those near misses/accidents 10 years ago! Never looked back! Better to be safe than quite embarrassed! Age 62 when began... And I've thought ahead and purchased protection from bowel issues because, after all, who really wants it dripping down their legs said "no one ever." I find Poise to be fine for small bladder leaks and they even come in extra absorbencies. Women's diapers can be found in most brands.

I just turned 84 and have been using Depends for the last 5 years.
You might suggest that she start at night, at bedtime. She should have no qualms about that.
Then use one If going out of the house. It offers a feeling of security.
She can then ‘use as needed.’ Many times I forget whether I have one on on not.

I hope she has also conferred with a doctor. There are a number of medications that may help and a number of strategies that may help.

i hope this helps

I use the Assurance brand from WalMart. Nice and stretchy, reasonably priced (Mom, who is 87, is all about going cheap, and this is about as cheap as it gets), and I can get them online with 2-day delivery. Good for daytime, but she still leaks a small amount in her wheelchair, so I've lined the seat with a Prevail disposable bed pad.

At naptime and nighttime I put a Tena extra-large incontinence pad inside the pants, and that works great! I've also lined her bed with one of the Prevail pads to cut down on laundry if she pees more than usual.

I got terrycloth leakproof sheets for her bed, too, from Amazon. They're wonderful! Very soft and comfortable, and they haven't leaked yet after two years of use.

Ma spends most of her time at her little desk, reading her audiobooks, so when she really started having bowel incontinence, I got a bedside commode and stationed it next to the desk so she can get there quickly (well, as quickly as she can, anyway). If you have to do this yourself, forget those expensive commode liners. I buy black "t-shirt" bags (like grocery bags, only black, so you can't see the contents through the plastic) and I line the bucket with two bags, but after use, I only pull out the first bag. The second one is insurance.

Good luck! By the way, we've always referred to her pull-ups as her "pants." That's what she called her cloth underwear, so I stuck with that. And when it was time to give up the cloth pants, I simply cleaned out her drawer and threw them away, making the transition a fait accompli. Sometimes you have to do that - discussion often only makes it worse.

If your mom has Medicaid she should be able to get the briefs paid for with a prescription.

Another thing you can do is purchase rubberized flannel from a fabric store. It's cheaper than purchasing the precut sizes. Place it between her sheet and the mattress pad on her bed. I have also cut to size to protect her recliner and couch / love seat in her sitting room. I place a sheet or chair cover over the top of it so it's not as noticeable. Because it's flannel there's no coolness or "crinkle " noise to water protection, you can put them in the washer and dryer, and it's saved me hours of work cleaning up the actual furniture, also keeps it from smells lingering in the home because it can be washed asap with everything else. I keep a few sets for everything on hand and switch them out at least weekly if not sooner than that if needed. I also have it on the passenger seat of my car, only took 1 accident for me to do it, keep a spare set in there too with a garbage bag, beats spending a whole day cleaning your upholstery in the vehicle. You manage and evolve, many things you did when you had an infant you will be doing/using now in reverse. Put all meds on top shelf so she doesn't get confused and try to self medicate. Ended up putting child lock on the cabinet where she couldn't get to it to release the mechanism. She'll say she needs an advil, will forget she took 1, try to take more 30 mins later, hence the preventative medicine cabinet child lock. Almost took migraine meds by mistake once, thought it was tylenol even though script bottle had my name on it, that was my big wakeup call to move it all up top. Yes she got pissy, I can do it myself, told her I had to keep track for her nurses and drs, settled her down, oh they told you that, ok thats fine then ( her hospice nurse is awsome, told her oh yes, we need to know it and she has to tell me every week) made MIL happy. Kind of have to plan ahead and think of toddlers and terrible twos in reverse.

I began with trying out the type that is like a huge baby diaper with the pull tabs--NOT!  My mom hated them.  I then went with the pull-ups and took away her panties because if she had access to them, she would think that she could "hold it" until she could make it to the restroom, and I wound up having to take along clothing for her to change in to, and it would embarrass her, so I just take her a bag of pull-ups and make sure that she has a spare bag in the room, and I take a spare along in the car.  I never travel in town, out of town, or anywhere without the paperwork (POA and guardianship) on me, and I never am unprepared with a bag of pull-ups in the car.  You will learn over time.  It is like taking/packing for a baby.  Better get a big car because you will need one for the bench stroller, and everything else that comes along with a several year commitment!  Also, you can try a bedside commode at her bedside in case of diarrhea.

Mother loves to refer to hers as diapers, so I guess every individual, is well, individual.

I know people worry so about the cost, but the COST of washing, cleaning, cleaning, cleaning--It's hard to put a price tag on something like this. Plus the overflow on furniture and car seats--my car STILL smells of pee and she had a minor leak a few months ago. I saturated that seat with "urine be gone' and let it sit for hours, the steam cleaned off and on for hours. Stiil, on a hot day--gotta air out the car.

I'm more upset that mother just takes her off and drops them in an very small open trash can along with the poise pads and then lets them ferment until SATURDAY b/c that's the day my niece 'cleans' for her. The smell in an overheated apartment is unbelievable. I know the make adult sized "diaper genies' but these also need to go out 3-4 times a week and she wouldn't use one.

I'm of board for ANY care for the next 4 months. Doing chemo and her place is off limits due to feral birds living there--also my doc felt it simply wasn't healthy to be around the filth. YEAH. Not for the cancer, but for the break!!

This is a husband answering this from much experience. My wife is (80) with advanced Alzheimer’s. We have tried most, if not all, over the past few years. In my opinion, the absolute best pull-up disposable panties have been the Sam’s Members Mark brand. They are both extremely strong, very absorbent and probably the least expensive on the market. The secret to being comfortable for your mother is to get the right size. Too large will be bulky and uncomfortable for her. Slightly small will fit nicely and remind her of her normal panties. The best pads I have found are also the Members Mark brand, and they will hold a large amount of fluid and still feel dry to the touch.

My mom, who has Vascular Dementia and lives in a SNF, used to use long pads that were fairly bulky but that she really depended on since she suffers with IBS and often has accidents. When I began to see those diaper things that the facility provides in her room, I bought a package of Always Discreet Boutique panties and she loved them! They are pretty and are the style and fit she was used to wearing. That's the only brand we've tried and I buy them at Wal-Mart.

If it's just leakage, you might try the brand "Icon - pee-proof underwear", they claim it holds up to 8 teaspoons of liquid. Good luck!

I care for my mother in law 82 years with same problem. For the last two years has been working with her and is seeing lot of improvement. Issues is she is healthy and eats well. So tracing her is not an issue. For immediate we have in pull-ups. She is also on Detroit LA once a day
for long term we teach her the excerise. More important all science points to sleep and gut bacteria for issues like bladder control. Lake of right sleep does not give the body to produce the anti diuretic hormone to stop urine production. Read about sleep and gut bacteria. This goes for you too. Vitamin b and D and good sleep right type of sleep not with sleeping medication will change all.

Mom (currently 95 in MC year 3) really isn't incontinent, but she sometimes has difficulty getting pants down/off in time. We went with Always Discreet, and did not discuss it with her at all (she would DENY needing anything!) We just removed all underwear and I put them in various places (dresser drawer, end table drawer, small storage unit in bath) so she has access wherever she happens to look.

Although they may be cheaper elsewhere, I order them through WM (do not have Prime, and will not, so they always delay my orders.) The Maximum, Large, 56 Count were about $38/box (averages to about $0.68 each) and they ship quickly without signing up for an expensive program like Prime!

Poise & tena extra large pads are great, my mum has urine & bowel incontenance. It can all get very costly $600 year if using them every day, if you live in Australia like we do, you can get them free if you get her to have 2 appointments with incontenance nurse (gov funded). Also sometimes Ural might help (helps me) it cuts down the urgency to go, I'd get her tested for a uti first the dr can refer her to incontenance nurse. Much better having her looked at by dr & going that route she will probably take the news better from them that she could wear pads. My mum hates the special panties & I don't blame her....I tried them on so I could understand how she felt and nooooo it was horrible and I felt awful and no dignity, for her it's pads all the way. Aging is bad enough with Hearing aides, dentures, cpap machine, Walker.... I suggest u also try wearing them for a day & you will understand what I'm saying & you can both have a laugh at the situation (it'll make it easier).

Just buy a couple of boxes and put them within her reach. Be sure of her weight when choosing them. Some really feel like underwear. Suggest she just try them.

Brand names are less important than what fits and what she is willing to wear. My mom liked the smaller pads, I think Poise is one brand. In addition to that, I strongly advise you or any caregivers to put her on a toileting schedule like every 1-2 hours whether she asks or not. Some people can't tell they need to go until the bladder is at the bursting point. Don't wait that long.

Once you have the product do not give her an option. Remove all her other underwear and replace it with the disposable product.
Also do not not forget under pads for furniture. Disposable is easy but there are good quality washable products.

Mom uses Poise pads purchased at Costco but we also use the panties. We buy the Amazon basics brand because they are as good as any other we’ve used for mom, Depends etc, and much less expensive. The selling point is she will feel cleaner with them as she won’t have to worry about accidents and always needing to change her clothes if she doesn’t make it to the toliet in time. Don’t call them diapers. They are panties. We buy the baby wipes to clean after changing at Costco. We have to worry about UTIs so very careful there. Good luck!

Depends looks and feels comfortable. I tried it on and would use it myself.

Also got Akord adult diaper pail from Amazon which really makes the process odorless - but you have the ongoing expense of the bags. I got tired and kinda grossed out by putting each pull-up in old grocery bags and throwing them on the garbage.

A couple thoughts. You did not mention if there are other issues like UTIs, or if you discussed this with her doctor. Where is she usually when she has to make the dash? She may not be emptying her bladder when she goes, causing a quicker and more frequent fill. Have you tried kegal exercises to strengthen the muscles surrounding the bladder? When she does go on the commode, after she finishes, have her sit there and count to thirty to see if any leftover is released. A special probiotics for women's unrinary issues may be a fix. Google probiotics for "women's incontinence "or just "elder incontinence" and you will see all kinds of remedies and probiotics pop up. The adult underwear have come a long way in their slim feminine designs as mentioned by a few. Hardly can tell the difference between panties and protective panties. Buy several different kinds, let her make the decision. You also tell her you are wearing them because you need to. Like when you were a little girl, and she instructed you, be the same, patient, caring, try to make it a fun fashion event.

My mom has been incontinent for years but it has simply gotten worse now where she often doesn't even feel the need to pee so making it to the bathroom...well doesn't happen... She has used several brands over the years but after her stroke my brother picked up Depends (the Cadillac brand in her mind she couldn't afford bu what did he know) and she loved them! It took care of all of her issues at the time with the disposable underwear. I purchase them by the case (sometimes multiple cases) at Costco where they are without question less expensive and always stock up when they have coupons ($8 off typically). Then she started needing more protection at night so I get the extra long, heavy Poise pads for that and she puts those inside the Depends (score the bottom of the pad so it soaks through to underwear. They also make a Nighttime Depends which while more expensive works well for overnight too, the brand seems to feel comfortable for her and fits at the leg opening so they don't leak as easily. I do think much of it is hit or miss though because each body is different so it's like any underwear comfort is individual. Amazon is another good place to shop for the different choices, they deliver and while not as good as Costco (that I've found) you aren't committed to as big a package and they have options.

I would strongly suggest you never call them "diapers", even pull-ups may or may not sit well with her, I always refer to them as "your underwear" or just Depends but my mom has been using them a long time, I would find a way to refer to them in a way that deciphers them from what she's wearing perhaps but sounds "normal" so panties or underwear maybe even protection might all be options. It might be a matter of both getting her to warm up to options as well as realize just how much of a pain this problem is becoming. I'm reminded of how my mom prepped me for my first period, lol, she gave me all the various options and supplies (at the time there weren't a ton, one of those belts that held pads or tampons I think) and told me how to use them well in advance as it turned out of the expected moment so when I woke up one morning I knew right where my stash was in my closet. Maybe you do something similar with mom, give her some samples and options she can try when she decides it's time. Then on the other end find a way to make sure it isn't just easy for her to not do something about it by taking away the laundry and putting clean sheets on the bed immediately or while she's not in the room, leave it long enough for her to need to ask you to do it or casually mention how nice it would be if she would try one of the standard remedies so you didn't have to do this every day. Maybe you could appeal to her pocketbook by comparing the energy and products used as well as the wear and tear on clothing and bedding to using disposable underwear. I also make it as discrete and easy as possible for mom, she has one of those small metal garbage cans with a top you step on to open lined with the small lemon scent garbage bags from Walmart (cheap like .98 cents for a roll) so she can just ties the bag up every couple days for the trash can and take one from the bottom to put over the can insert herself. It keeps the smell at bay (which she seems to be loosing unfortunately) and she feels like she is covering up the whole situation from everyone else, taking care of it herself. She has also had various bed pads but the best set up we have now found is I got 3 "water proof" sheets and 3 extra large pads which have a little gully around the outside and non-slip nodules on the back side, nice cotton on the front side. I have a full "waterproof" mattress cover around the mattress, a sheet a pad on top of that, then another waterproof sheet, sheet, pad and a third set all on the bed so when she has an accident all she has to do is peel off the top sheet/pad layer and she has a clean dry fresh one underneath, no need to make the bed again.

I would call them throw away underwear, and it worked for my Mom. Don't call them diapers! I would put them on her when we would go out in the world.

For mom, we started with Depends, but found generic brands to be just as good and more cost friendly! We settled on Berkley Jensen sold at BJ's. Tena found at several stores (CVS, Walgreens, Target, Amazon and many other online stores)are good too.