Mom is financially able but doesn’t want to pay me for providing 24/7 care in her home because her money is invested. I’m 66, poor. Help?

I may be reading a little too much between the lines here, but a great deal of your post is terribly familiar to me, so here goes...

It's not just a question of what your services are worth. Between that, and the value of what your mother may provide for you in the way of food, shelter, transportation, utilities, etc., the financial question should be pretty easy to figure out with a little thought and research.

The hard part is separating the emotional from the factual. Burnout and resentment are common enough with caregivers, but how much of your inner turmoil has resulted from feeling trapped by your life choices over the years? You've stated that you've dedicated your life to helping others, but now you're 66 and poor. How did that happen? (Not that you have to answer that here... it's your business.)

I have a feeling that focusing on the financial isn't going to help here. Sure, Mom doesn't want to part with her money, your siblings can't or won't offer support, tangible or not, and your mom's eventual estate may very well be divided evenly between her children, regardless of who did what for her (of course, that remains to be seen). This stuff happens, period.

Have an honest conversation with yourself about your life: where you've been, where you are, and how you got there. Once you've sorted all that out, you can think about where to go from here. Look at what you have, and not just at what you want, or what you think you deserve, and carefully evaluate your options for the future, given your age.

It sounds to me that a life of "putting others first" has finally gotten to you, both emotionally and financially. Trust me, I've been there more times than I like to admit. Just remember that self-worth isn't determined by how much you are paid for services rendered, and that some rewards are only realized when we pass from this earthly life.

I feel badly for you. It sounds like you have done enough. Is she mentally competent. Maybe you could explain how you feel. Let her know you are concerned about your own future Explain you need to get out and get a job. You could tell her you would live there cook for her be there at night and take her places. Then have an agency come in and take care of her during the day and at times when you need to be away. At this point you are the adult and no one can take advantage of you unless you let them. Moms are good but can be demanding.
Stick up for your self.
Praying
🙏🏻

Check into Adult Foster Care. I am not sure if your state has this but it is worth a try. You could receive a money via direct deposit each month. Depending on her level of care you could make $700- $1,600 per month. I would put your trust in God and pray for guidance. I have been taking care of my 96 year old mother for about 18 years. It is an honor and pleasure to take care of my wonderful loving mother. I left my job 18 years ago and did not look back. Do not worry about retirement or money, things will work out if you trust God. I will turn 65 soon and was surprised that my SS check is a lot more than expected. I get my pension soon too. I am going to wait to collect in a few years because the amount will go up quite a bit. I will not be rich but I am grateful that I will have a monthly income. Taking care of my mother 24/7 has been a gift to me and it taught me so much. I am so satisfied with the little things. I see my mothers smile when she goes to bed and a smile when she gets up in the morning.Sitting out in the yard with the sun shining bright on a warm day. Taking a walk and being thankful I am alive and well to take care of my mother.
I know in my heart I do a great job and that puts a smile on my face. Be grateful for your mother and thank God each day for your blessings. If one complains all the time for what they due than surely their life will not be filled with much joy. I feel you have lots of resentment about caring for your mother and if that is the case maybe just maybe this caregiving should be left up to someone with more compassion. Your mother would be better off with someone else. I feel sad for your mother. I am sure she would not want your help if she knew you felt this way.

You take care of you and do not take no for an answer. My mom had my entire family of four almost dead slaving for her around the clock the last 2 years of her life. She said it was our "prviledge." We finally walked out and my brother, her golden child, absentee POA hired "round the clock" care for $25 an hour. She was dead less than a week later. She was found alone. I had to hire a lawyer to fight for what my mom left me after I cared for her for 20 years. Been fighting 10 months. God bless you.

I am in a similar situation, but am married. Since your mom seems to be savvy with her money here is what I have done. I gathered some of the prices for the services I provide, did a cost comparison of what it would cost her out of pocket for those services and kept a log of the time I spent on various tasks. A friend of mine who is a social worker suggested that I sit with mom and she and I write up a caregiver contract that stated specifically what mom expected me to do. There are sample contracts online. It was a real eye opener for both mom and I how much I really did verses what she expected me to do and then the value of my services if they were contracted out. We agreed on a monetary sum that wasn’t shocking or hurtful to her bi-weekly income, but I was left more assets in her trust and will for my services.

If you are the one paying bills for her keep every receipt and detailed records of how every penny has been spent. When accusations of financial elder abuse came up with a sibling mom agreed to hire an accountant who specializes in elder care and estate accounting.

Also, do you have Power of Attorney or does another sibling or family member? If you don’t that is a conversation to have with your mothers attorney and/or financial planner. If you are the primary caregiver, you need to be able to have legal permission to speak to your mom’s drs and others who she has dealings with both medically and financially.

if you and your mom do agree on an amount of money to be paid to you, know that the IRS will consider it a gift, that is where even an informal caregiver contract will protect you both in the long run bc it will show your siblings that you and your mother had an agreement for your care and it will help you if there is bickering when your mother passes.

I learned the hard way after my father passed how grief and greed make a very ugly combination with a death of a parent. With our mom, I have put as strong support team of professionals around me.

Document, document, document EVERYTHING!!!

Good Luck.

$500 a week plus Room and Board would be fair. Plus at least 1 day off a week so you can make friends and have a life.

I would also have an Agreement drawn up that you will take care of your mother and when she passes you get to continue living in the house as long as you wish or better yet, Sign the House over to you, so it is done while your mom is still alive and siblings can't do anything about it for they know your mom still has her mind.

All this should be done within the month, then you'll begin to have a life.

Also, please find a Church that you can start going to and also find a Caregiver Group Meeting to attend.

I would also add to all the excellent suggestions here that a conversation with your sibilings could be useful. I have a brother that lives across the country from my mother and has obligations for a fragile wife. However he has been willing to fly out and cover for me several trips for a week at a time. It not only gives me a break but gives him additional understanding for what I deal with everyday. I have a brother who lives locally but has had a series of tragedies over the last 10 years and is living in a difficult marriage and financial situation. He managed "emergencies" with my mother for a number of years. So while I wish my brothers would do more now, I accept their life situations as well. And it allows me to make my own decisions without resentment towards them. I find that when I make a very specific request for help they are willing. I also have a good friend who knows my mother for 25 years who flew in to cover for a few weeks while I went home to Amsterdam for a visit. I wish you creativity and self-compassion in coming up with solutions so that you can build a social and financial net for yourself.

My thoughts: Idea number 1). I took care of my mom for almost 5 years in my home. In Wisconsin, we have what's called self-directed-care. It's a Medicaid program that helps pay for in home services, and I was able to get paid for caring for her through this program, and it would have worked for us regardless of who owned the house/property. It's not about the where, it's about the WHO. Does your mom have medicaid? If she does, look for an agency called Consumer Direct, or another one is called IRIS. I'm not sure if they work beyond Wisconsin, but they might be able to give you some leads into a similar program in your area.

Idea number 2). You are not beholden to anyone except yourself, even your mother, unless you choose to be. You must take care of yourself first. I learned that the hard way in those 5 years. I kept on plugging away through those years, taking care of my mom without ONE SINGLE BREAK. We got through it, but in the end she went to a nursing home, and I had a mild stroke. Now, at 55 I'm fully recovered from that, but am feeling my age and then some, and wish I had done things a bit differently. Get out there, sister, and take care of YOU first! Seriously. If your mom can afford to pay someone but refuses to pay you, she's speaking in volumes just how little she values your worth. Maybe not as a daughter, ....but you know as well as anyone that you are more than just a daughter. Get that job you know you can land, get your own place, get out there in the world, and let someone else take care of her. It'll help heal you, and your relationship with her. Avoid anymore of those kinds of regrets if you can. You can do this. <3

You sound like you would be a God Send for so many Seniors needing care.

I would let your mother know that you are going to get a full time job during the day and you will set up an interview with a Care Agency, to let them evaluate her and they will say how much someone would cost. I'm sure your mom would then, more than gladly pay you minimum $75 a day for 24 hrs or she can try using the Service that won't be half as good as you.

I completely feel for your situation.

Maybe a different point of view and I might get blasted for this but.

If she’s well off and saving up well. “IF” she willed you a large % of her estate might that make up the difference and equal to being paid?

the reason I bring this up is a few people in the Alz support group I’m in have had this happen. Some were surprised some actually knew it was coming as they added it to the will. With siblings they were aware and were whiteness on will. That also gave siblings a chance to step up and help if they wanted more of the finances at the end.

Just food for thought and stay strong!!!!

There are numerous family dynamics that play a role, amoung them, why are other family not assisting? Perhaps distance, relationships, estrangement, financial?

What is going to be the position of siblings in estate settlement?

[These are questions, & ideas, not to be considered legal or tax advice or directive]

You may want to find out who has financial and health care Powers of Attorney. What is the exact asset and income status of Mom? Is there a Will/Living trust/ who are the beneficiaries, and splits; is the estate distribtion equal shares? (are you going to work your life away providing 24/hr caregiving, and not get recognition in the end? Is there any codicil to that will stating who might be entitled to certian material items?

Many of the questions I raise may cause sibling issues, depending on the sibling dynamic, on the other hand after all the service you have provided, do you want to find out you are going to be sent packing a month after Mom is buried, or confined?

Is Mom lucid enough to sign for herself? I'm not providing legal or tax advice

You really need to know what amount is "invested" and where, and who is the named beneficiary of those assets. Caregiving Services to her is a is a deductible medical expense (for her), that would offset taxes on her investment gains .

If she is a surviving spouse of a Wartime veteran VA "Pension" is an option, however due to recent regulation changes, depending on income asset level there may be a 3 year lookback, the House is an exempt asset.

You really need to know if her health, either physical or mental declines will she need a Nursing home, and how long "spend down" would be, if no asset protection stragegy is in place. Is the home mortgage free, and still insured? (or is this a rental/lease situation)?

Also in that case, would that make you homeless? (upon her death?) If you can prove , very important, that you have cared for her for at least 2 years,the house may not be subject to a medicaid lien.

You may want to hire a home care agency to give you respite, a couple days a week and get away, that also might impress the need for her to understand the real value of your services. You MUST get a change of scenery on a regular basis for your own welfare. Ir seems that the change from daughter to service provider has already taken place in Moms mind, and possibly values the other siblings as kids, and you as attendant.

Startabart: get going. You've been given some fine ideas here. Unless you're extremely well-to-do, your time is worth MONEY. Tell her, gently but FIRMLY, that you must take care of yourself first. Here's what I will do for nothing; anything else required will be paid for, whether to me or an outside worker. Make a plan & stick to it: do NOT be manipulated. It sounds like she's in better financial shape than you are: so be it!

Our nation has an enormous amount of unpaid medical help being provided by family members to their loved ones. You're not in a unique situation actually. But I do empathize with your sacrifice you've made moving and being isolated is not an easy thing to do. Let me applaud you for doing that. It is unfortunate that your mother is not more concerned with your future especially the financial stability that you will need. Perhaps you will find one day that she has provided for you, legally, but just doesn't admit it now.
Considering that you do have a place to live utilities maintenance taxes Etc or paid for I would look at that as part of your income from caregiving. Add that to the $550 a month that she's giving you that does come to a better income for what you're giving than what perhaps you realized. If you are still living where you where you would be paying for all of your household expenses and now you're not so it seems.

I empathize with your frustration, I am concerned that you have not been able to establish friendships and social contacts in your new area that is very important to your mental and emotional well-being. I would urge you to see how you can begin to make that possible. And what you have done in volunteering to be the child to come in and take care of your mother is because you love her not just because you were single . It is a true privilege to care for your parent friend or spouse in the last years of their lives. I pray that God will help you to feel that and seek out some changes that are within your power.

May he bless you richly!

Two years ago my husband had a stroke and I quit my job to stay home and take care of him.
He quipped the other day something snarky and slightly mean.

I jokingly told him that I'd been offered my old job back or I could go to Helping Hands which is a part time position that pays well doing in home care for seniors. I am a senior myself, but am able bodied.

Like it or not, you will still be here when your mother isn't so you need to start thinking about your future.
I've had to do the same things for our household.

Holy cow! You are a gem that your mom and siblings should treasure. Everyone needs to eat, which requires money. Sorry to hear you are being taken advantage of.

I agree that she should pay you. Since your mom is mentally sharp and has money, she should be informed she should pay for her own care by a private caregiver. It would be more than what you are asking her to pay you. I hope she will see how much free services you have given her. Good luck.

Approach this job decision like you would any other. Although you have been working for your Mom for several years, your decision to stay is a daily decision. You are “at will” to leave for any reason.

Your marital or relationship status in no way binds you to any job. Any married person could wake up tomorrow single. Likewise, if you choose to be in a relationship, you could certainly choose to do so while providing care.

Your financial status does not bind you to this job either. (In fact, this absolutely provides you an “out.”).

What is the going rate? To replace yourself, per needed hour, the range would be babysitter (or nanny/aupere) rates through RN (service agency) consultant rates. Live-ins demand more or take less pay depending on the location convenience, comfort and other perceived benefits/detriments. This dollar value is difficult to estimate because there are so many factors. Desperate workers will accept less, skilled workers can demand more.

I understand why your mother doesn’t want to liquidate her assets (the knowledge of their existence gives her comfort and security), but even if you were to continue providing your services for free, you would need breaks, you would likely have to hire help, and you do not have the means to “donate” what it would cost to have those hours covered. So it is not rational for her to consider her funds protected for all time.

Don’t rely on a promise of a future bequest. If your mom were to make some deal with you such as, “I’ll leave you the entire (or a certain portion of my estate) in exchange for caregiving - this is an empty promise for many reasons (1) she could change her will at any time, (2) she could outlive her resources, (3) your siblings could already attack the will claiming fraud, undue influence, capacity (even though she has it) based on her current age alone, and completely deplete anything left. (And they would).

Don’t expect your Mom or your siblings to change. You will not get more respect, admiration, assistance, praise, or financial support than they are giving. As free caregiver for my parents, most of my siblings grew resentful and jealous while I was caregiving. (So do not take this job in hope of expectations that cannot likely be fulfilled).

You mention emotional toll. Caregiving is wonderful, but can be very bittersweet and depressing when things are hard. Your medical professional background brings a huge benefit, but when caring for a family member, it is harder to stay on an even emotional keel when your loved one faces inevitable decline brought on by aging. You are probably already hurting more than you write.

It sounds like you are a kind, generous, skilled person. You have lots of talents. Like the rest of us, you also have some insecurities.

You feel backed into a corner. Realize that the only person truly blocking you in that corner is yourself.

Make your choices based on what makes you happy, what fulfills your soul, and makes you feel alive. Give yourself permission to follow your own path.

Lots of great input so far. I'd like to offer the following: one of the agencies here in Los Angeles where I live, offers mediation services by the hour, from a Social/Case worker type of individual. When I was having some issues with a caregiver, I had the mediator come to the house. After working on the caregiver issues, she sat down with me and my mom. One of the issues I had asked them to talk about (before they arrived), was my mom's recurring request for her car keys (she's not capable of driving). My mom was much more open to listening to reason from an outside person/professional. That seemed to solve the issue. Another individual that helped her look at other aspects of our relationship and her care, was a trust lawyer. Again, it was someone that wasn't me, her child. I had briefed the lawyer on some situations involving my mom needing to be reasonable with finances. The lawyer being so familiar with families in this stage of life, was able to point out to my mom how well I'm managing her care, looking out for her happiness, etc. In my mom's case I have power of attorney though, so I could decide to spend some money on these two individuals. I suggest trying to involve these types of individuals, also perhaps a government provided Social Worker if you prefer. I thinking it makes a big difference if it's not you who is talking reason to your mother about how you need to be compensated for full or part time care of your mother. Also, you can't afford NOT to try to get a trust lawyer involved. I remember a friend of mine, whose friend had quit his job to take care of his mother for her last years. His mom promised him the house. But then after she passed, his heartless siblings swooped in with a lawyer, and took the house away leaving him homeless. Don't be discouraged by this story, but do be sure you have a lawyer advise you and hopefully talk with your mother and get her to agree to be sure you're compensated out of her estate after she's gone.

One day at a time. One step at a time. When you feel overwhelmed or discouraged, step outside, look at nature, take deep breaths and remember, you're just going to do "the next thing". And remind yourself that you're doing a wonderful thing in being willing to be involved in your mother's care. Regardless of how much or little you do, you still care enough to be involved and to seek the input on others. ;-)

Oh, please don't make my mistake. I was an unpaid ft caregiver for a decade. Here in Florida caregivers earn between 15 (rare) to 30 dollars an hour, most with a three hour minimum. Do the math. 500.00 wouldn't cover your services for a week. And the emotional toll it is taking on you is not worth it. You say she is materialistic, sounds like she will get away with this for as long as possible. You sound like such a sweet lady. Is there anyone at all, friend, relative, who could bring up the subject of payment for your work? Your life has value. DON'T let her take it from you. Please. Said with kindness for your difficult situation. Thinking of you a lot now.

Yes, you should get paid for your services, however you’ve also got to consider that if you’re living rent free, rent costs paid by mom need to be considered as an offset against your salary.
Is mom supplying your food & common living supplies, if so those expenses paid by mom should be deduced from your salary.

It is selfish beyond words for your mother......or any other person to mistreat you this way..I have had a walk in that direction for about 4 years now....DI NOT fall for this..Guilt and all the accompanying feelings are put there at a young age.,I am hoping you will reclaim your life and enjoy your mother in a facility that can take care of her appropriately..I could have never believed the extent to which those that claim to live us will go...Unacceptable and quite narcissistic...May you find the strength...And $500.00 does not touch what you would be required to do....She will outlive you and go on to someone else...Praying for your strength to do what is healthy for you both..🌻

You deserve SO much more then $500 a month. Move out for 6 months, let her do her own thing for that time, maybe stay with a girlfriend and then regroup after that time. She will have a better understanding of what you do for her and your siblings will also have an idea of the gift they have in you caring for their mom. I had the same situation as you and it is not until EVERYONE sees what it is like without you, that they will give you what you are worth. BTW, people who stay in someone's house to care for them get FREE room to stay there.

There seems to be a lot of unanswered questions. What employment did you have during th first 64 years of your life? What retirement planning did you do during that time? Does your mother provide the house you live in? Does she pay for all the food and shelter cost. Are you able to stand on your feet all day at a Target or Walmart? Do you use her car that she pays maintenance and insurance for? Could you afford to pay for those expenses on your own? If you get all these perks and your Medicare,Social Security and $500. month from Mom,some people would consider they are lucky. Still no one should make light of your heavy task. Still it is hard to give really good advise without more information. Now I will get ready for all the nasty comments I will get .

I don’t know how to gently put this so sorry but if she is truly narcissist, she’s number one in her book and there is only one entry in that book.
You need to consider your own needs. It sounds like you are used to being used and actually have come to accept it as your place in the family. It’s fine to be peaceable but not to be a doormat. Took me 50 yrs and therapy to understand I was the scapegoat in a family led by a narcissist mother. Please, first get help to learn your self worth.
Then, consider, you have a life ahead after she’s gone. It’s unfair for her to expect you to give your all , including your health. If she can’t care for her self she can hire help or move to an assisted living facility.

Take control of your life. Get mother professional certified medical care to cone to her home and tend to things. Have her pay them. Live there or not live there.
Relationship with her is important.

Great answers here for you already, but I'd like to chime in on the question of whether you would like to stay in her home taking care of your mom or get out on your own again. You do need friends for your own emotional health. Could you stay with your mom, but have a job outside of her home where you will meet other people? She could hire care for when you are gone and you would be able to save some money toward your own retirement. In any case you should be paid for the care you offer your mom in room and board plus whatever else is appropriate. I did not receive any salary from my mom when I took care of her, but I had home care come in while I was at work. She had helped me out in the past when I got myself into predicaments, so I feel it was fair.

It's funny, isn't it.

If you were to approach your mother as an outsider and say to her "thank you for taking part in this survey, Mrs X, which is about thinking persons' attitudes to money and the cost of living. What would you say is the minimum monthly income that a single adult can survive on in your state?" I'm betting she would not tick $500. Let alone $0.

But tangle this up with home and love and family and parents and care of the aged... and suddenly it's as though numbers fly out of the window, and it's suddenly all about not wanting to feel grasping, on the one hand, and not wanting to think that your child only sees you as a piggy bank on the other.

But love won't pay your bills, or save for your future. If I were you, I should go job-hunting. If later on you want to revisit that decision, then your mother can compensate you for loss of earnings and you'll have the payslips to show her. Moreover, having a job will keep you connected and may save your sanity.

You are NOT being mercenary. It is a simple truth that you cannot live on fresh air, and that is the key point that your mother needs to grasp.

Contact your local Area Agency on Aging and ask for an assessment of Mom's needs.  Inquire if they have a Consumer Directed Care program.  Through that program you could continue to care for Mom in her home and be paid an hourly rate through a Fiscal Intermediary.  Mom bill be billed based on what it is determined she is able to pay. 

Another option might be to see if she qualifies for the AFC Program.  You again would continue to be her caregiver and would receive a monthly amount based on her level of care needed.

Oh wow. How can Mom justify doing this to you?

I would tell Mom...”I have to get a job. My own future relies on working for pay and putting into social security and Medicare. I cannot sacrifice my entire future for you”

then do it.


and..if she does come to her senses and see that your deserve the same consideration for your work that any employee deserves...then please do it right.

get a contract written and signed. Hire an agency to do the payroll....they will charge very little for just one employee...but it protects you!!! Pays social security/Medicare (contributes to your own retirement) and gives you workers comp if you are injured, and unemployment should the situation end. Please make sure you are taking care of you...just as any employer would.

Go online and do research for rates on skilled care. Your background and experience would be on par with what a nurse charges for the things your knowledgeable in. Present these facts as you said to your Mom then let her decide what to do in order to pay you. Draw up a contract and have her sign it. If she doesn't, that's when you move out and find another job. Better yet, sign up with an agency if caregiving is what you enjoy doing or get hired by your local hospital to be a physical therapist. They make good money in what they do and work way fewer hours than you currently do. Also see about getting a home health aid in part time to deal with your Mom's selfishness. Or take her to adult day care to take a load off yourself. Burnout can be dangerous to your health and parents like your Mom are great travel agents for guilt trips.

Definitely approach your mother and give her the chance to start properly reimbursing you NOW for the excellent care you are providing. My loving dad does so for my sibling and myself, and we are earning credits toward Social Security, contributing to our own IRAs, etc. Of course if he didn't have a dime to his name we would figure out a way to provide the care he needs, but he does have income and savings so he is paying us for the income we are missing out on during this season of caregiving.

You deserve this. If for some reason she doesn't agree, you sound like just the sort of employee anyone would be lucky to have.

All the best to you.