Mom is financially able but doesn’t want to pay me for providing 24/7 care in her home because her money is invested. I’m 66, poor. Help?

Tell your Mom that you are going to get a job doing home care for dependent seniors. Tell her how much you will be paid and that she will have to hire someone to come in to care for her in your absence. That will highlight your worth. If she wants to pay you that will be fine, If not she can pay someone else the going rate. You have the experience and would be hired on the spot. Your absence for 32 to 40 hours a week will shake things up.

And, if caring for a person you are not related to doesn’t appeal to you, just go out and get a job, period. You are not old and would have no problem getting a job. Places like Target, Wal-Mart, and grocery stores are always hiring. Mom will still have to hire someone to care for her because you won’t be there. If Mom does agree to pay you, make sure you have a Caregiver’s Agreement drawn up. It helps at tax time.

I can understand the upset that you and your future seem to matter so little or not at all.

It seems to be a common thread with narsasist, sorry I don't believe in slightly narsisitic , all or nothing in my personal experience.

Are you willing to stay at this point? If yes, it is time for a caregiver contract that covers everything, from what you will be doing, how you will be compensated, days and holidays off, how sick days will be handled. I would not let her give you cash, use a payroll agency so you are getting unemployment insurance and workers compensation insurance, as well as her matching your SS and Medicare. You will be an employee at this point, which is in everybody's best interest. No one is going to give you part of their inheritance as an act of goodwill for taking on this responsibility.

Caregiving is a really hard job and you need to be compensated accordingly, especially since she has the money. She would be paying someone and guaranteed that agency or individuals would not care as much as you do.

My dad pays his stepdaughter but I am expected to do more for free. Ouch! Really. Who asks a loved one to give up their financial security and do this for free. I think if you consider me a loved one you would want to do right by me. You wouldn't expect a stranger to do it for free or give a huge discount. Perception huh?

You can do this! You can get the pay you deserve.

If she doesn't want to do it, I'll hire you as a live-in housekeeper and cook, no personal care required. No personal history to guilt you with.

Maybe looking for a job and a place to live will open her eyes. You can't be used unless you allow it. It is okay to say enough is enough, you matter as much as she does. I know it is hard, but this has to be approached as business and not a personal issue. You are valuable and you are providing a valuable service.

🤗🎉🎉👍🎉🎉🤗 You can do it!

Here is just an idea. I’m sure you can choose your own words and make your case much better than I did.

“Dear Mom,

I think you are delightful. I admire you very much.
You are an astute business woman.
I, however, have not managed my life as well as you have. I have to make some changes.

I have a very few good years left to prepare for my old age. I realize that I have great value as a live-in caretaker or geriatric manager. I intend to go back to school to get whatever certification I need to establish my credentials. I might just get a CNA certification and dive in to see which part of caregiving suits me best or work on my PT associates degree.

I know that I’m bondable, a good cook, medically articulate and unencumbered. All of those atributes will help me find my way.

I’ve learned there is a great need for women my age and at my skill level. I know you will be relieved that I have found a way to support myself. At least I have a plan.

I was willing to give my dear siblings a reprieve from upsetting their own retirements but see now that I don’t have that luxury since I am alone and must make my own way.

I know you may not have realized how dire my situation is. I’ve been unsuccessful in articulating this to you in the past. So I’m hoping this letter will allow you to understand my position and aid me in my resolve to shore up my finances. You have been a wonderful mom but unfortunately I am not able to retire and keep you company indefinitely.

I felt it was only fair that I let you know so that you can plan for your own future. These past two years have hopefully given you a reprieve from having to be concerned with healthcare assistance.

Thankfully you are prepared financially. I know you will support my efforts and I really appreciate that. Of course until I have to move, I’ll be happy to help you where and when I can. My focus will just have to shift to my own future.
I’m sure you’ll have no problem finding a replacement.

Love you Mom
StartaBart“

What you need to do is figure out what it would cost Mom for people to do your job. What it would cost for a CNA. There are certified homemakers too. Call an agency and see what they charge. Do u mow the lawn? Find how much that will cost. Then tell Mom u will have to go back to work. You need credit towards SS or you will have nothing to live on when your older. Then give her the list of how much it would cost her to hire people to do what u do. If she ends up willing to pay you, make a contract with her. You will need it if she ever needs Medicaid.

Tell her that you need to earn a living and that you must go out and take care of other people because you need the money. the situation will soon change when she has to pay a stranger for care.

Definitely approach your mother and give her the chance to start properly reimbursing you NOW for the excellent care you are providing. My loving dad does so for my sibling and myself, and we are earning credits toward Social Security, contributing to our own IRAs, etc. Of course if he didn't have a dime to his name we would figure out a way to provide the care he needs, but he does have income and savings so he is paying us for the income we are missing out on during this season of caregiving.

You deserve this. If for some reason she doesn't agree, you sound like just the sort of employee anyone would be lucky to have.

All the best to you.

Go online and do research for rates on skilled care. Your background and experience would be on par with what a nurse charges for the things your knowledgeable in. Present these facts as you said to your Mom then let her decide what to do in order to pay you. Draw up a contract and have her sign it. If she doesn't, that's when you move out and find another job. Better yet, sign up with an agency if caregiving is what you enjoy doing or get hired by your local hospital to be a physical therapist. They make good money in what they do and work way fewer hours than you currently do. Also see about getting a home health aid in part time to deal with your Mom's selfishness. Or take her to adult day care to take a load off yourself. Burnout can be dangerous to your health and parents like your Mom are great travel agents for guilt trips.

Oh wow. How can Mom justify doing this to you?

I would tell Mom...”I have to get a job. My own future relies on working for pay and putting into social security and Medicare. I cannot sacrifice my entire future for you”

then do it.


and..if she does come to her senses and see that your deserve the same consideration for your work that any employee deserves...then please do it right.

get a contract written and signed. Hire an agency to do the payroll....they will charge very little for just one employee...but it protects you!!! Pays social security/Medicare (contributes to your own retirement) and gives you workers comp if you are injured, and unemployment should the situation end. Please make sure you are taking care of you...just as any employer would.

Contact your local Area Agency on Aging and ask for an assessment of Mom's needs.  Inquire if they have a Consumer Directed Care program.  Through that program you could continue to care for Mom in her home and be paid an hourly rate through a Fiscal Intermediary.  Mom bill be billed based on what it is determined she is able to pay. 

Another option might be to see if she qualifies for the AFC Program.  You again would continue to be her caregiver and would receive a monthly amount based on her level of care needed.

It's funny, isn't it.

If you were to approach your mother as an outsider and say to her "thank you for taking part in this survey, Mrs X, which is about thinking persons' attitudes to money and the cost of living. What would you say is the minimum monthly income that a single adult can survive on in your state?" I'm betting she would not tick $500. Let alone $0.

But tangle this up with home and love and family and parents and care of the aged... and suddenly it's as though numbers fly out of the window, and it's suddenly all about not wanting to feel grasping, on the one hand, and not wanting to think that your child only sees you as a piggy bank on the other.

But love won't pay your bills, or save for your future. If I were you, I should go job-hunting. If later on you want to revisit that decision, then your mother can compensate you for loss of earnings and you'll have the payslips to show her. Moreover, having a job will keep you connected and may save your sanity.

You are NOT being mercenary. It is a simple truth that you cannot live on fresh air, and that is the key point that your mother needs to grasp.

Great answers here for you already, but I'd like to chime in on the question of whether you would like to stay in her home taking care of your mom or get out on your own again. You do need friends for your own emotional health. Could you stay with your mom, but have a job outside of her home where you will meet other people? She could hire care for when you are gone and you would be able to save some money toward your own retirement. In any case you should be paid for the care you offer your mom in room and board plus whatever else is appropriate. I did not receive any salary from my mom when I took care of her, but I had home care come in while I was at work. She had helped me out in the past when I got myself into predicaments, so I feel it was fair.

Take control of your life. Get mother professional certified medical care to cone to her home and tend to things. Have her pay them. Live there or not live there.
Relationship with her is important.

I don’t know how to gently put this so sorry but if she is truly narcissist, she’s number one in her book and there is only one entry in that book.
You need to consider your own needs. It sounds like you are used to being used and actually have come to accept it as your place in the family. It’s fine to be peaceable but not to be a doormat. Took me 50 yrs and therapy to understand I was the scapegoat in a family led by a narcissist mother. Please, first get help to learn your self worth.
Then, consider, you have a life ahead after she’s gone. It’s unfair for her to expect you to give your all , including your health. If she can’t care for her self she can hire help or move to an assisted living facility.

There seems to be a lot of unanswered questions. What employment did you have during th first 64 years of your life? What retirement planning did you do during that time? Does your mother provide the house you live in? Does she pay for all the food and shelter cost. Are you able to stand on your feet all day at a Target or Walmart? Do you use her car that she pays maintenance and insurance for? Could you afford to pay for those expenses on your own? If you get all these perks and your Medicare,Social Security and $500. month from Mom,some people would consider they are lucky. Still no one should make light of your heavy task. Still it is hard to give really good advise without more information. Now I will get ready for all the nasty comments I will get .

You deserve SO much more then $500 a month. Move out for 6 months, let her do her own thing for that time, maybe stay with a girlfriend and then regroup after that time. She will have a better understanding of what you do for her and your siblings will also have an idea of the gift they have in you caring for their mom. I had the same situation as you and it is not until EVERYONE sees what it is like without you, that they will give you what you are worth. BTW, people who stay in someone's house to care for them get FREE room to stay there.

It is selfish beyond words for your mother......or any other person to mistreat you this way..I have had a walk in that direction for about 4 years now....DI NOT fall for this..Guilt and all the accompanying feelings are put there at a young age.,I am hoping you will reclaim your life and enjoy your mother in a facility that can take care of her appropriately..I could have never believed the extent to which those that claim to live us will go...Unacceptable and quite narcissistic...May you find the strength...And $500.00 does not touch what you would be required to do....She will outlive you and go on to someone else...Praying for your strength to do what is healthy for you both..🌻

Yes, you should get paid for your services, however you’ve also got to consider that if you’re living rent free, rent costs paid by mom need to be considered as an offset against your salary.
Is mom supplying your food & common living supplies, if so those expenses paid by mom should be deduced from your salary.

Oh, please don't make my mistake. I was an unpaid ft caregiver for a decade. Here in Florida caregivers earn between 15 (rare) to 30 dollars an hour, most with a three hour minimum. Do the math. 500.00 wouldn't cover your services for a week. And the emotional toll it is taking on you is not worth it. You say she is materialistic, sounds like she will get away with this for as long as possible. You sound like such a sweet lady. Is there anyone at all, friend, relative, who could bring up the subject of payment for your work? Your life has value. DON'T let her take it from you. Please. Said with kindness for your difficult situation. Thinking of you a lot now.

Lots of great input so far. I'd like to offer the following: one of the agencies here in Los Angeles where I live, offers mediation services by the hour, from a Social/Case worker type of individual. When I was having some issues with a caregiver, I had the mediator come to the house. After working on the caregiver issues, she sat down with me and my mom. One of the issues I had asked them to talk about (before they arrived), was my mom's recurring request for her car keys (she's not capable of driving). My mom was much more open to listening to reason from an outside person/professional. That seemed to solve the issue. Another individual that helped her look at other aspects of our relationship and her care, was a trust lawyer. Again, it was someone that wasn't me, her child. I had briefed the lawyer on some situations involving my mom needing to be reasonable with finances. The lawyer being so familiar with families in this stage of life, was able to point out to my mom how well I'm managing her care, looking out for her happiness, etc. In my mom's case I have power of attorney though, so I could decide to spend some money on these two individuals. I suggest trying to involve these types of individuals, also perhaps a government provided Social Worker if you prefer. I thinking it makes a big difference if it's not you who is talking reason to your mother about how you need to be compensated for full or part time care of your mother. Also, you can't afford NOT to try to get a trust lawyer involved. I remember a friend of mine, whose friend had quit his job to take care of his mother for her last years. His mom promised him the house. But then after she passed, his heartless siblings swooped in with a lawyer, and took the house away leaving him homeless. Don't be discouraged by this story, but do be sure you have a lawyer advise you and hopefully talk with your mother and get her to agree to be sure you're compensated out of her estate after she's gone.

One day at a time. One step at a time. When you feel overwhelmed or discouraged, step outside, look at nature, take deep breaths and remember, you're just going to do "the next thing". And remind yourself that you're doing a wonderful thing in being willing to be involved in your mother's care. Regardless of how much or little you do, you still care enough to be involved and to seek the input on others. ;-)

Approach this job decision like you would any other. Although you have been working for your Mom for several years, your decision to stay is a daily decision. You are “at will” to leave for any reason.

Your marital or relationship status in no way binds you to any job. Any married person could wake up tomorrow single. Likewise, if you choose to be in a relationship, you could certainly choose to do so while providing care.

Your financial status does not bind you to this job either. (In fact, this absolutely provides you an “out.”).

What is the going rate? To replace yourself, per needed hour, the range would be babysitter (or nanny/aupere) rates through RN (service agency) consultant rates. Live-ins demand more or take less pay depending on the location convenience, comfort and other perceived benefits/detriments. This dollar value is difficult to estimate because there are so many factors. Desperate workers will accept less, skilled workers can demand more.

I understand why your mother doesn’t want to liquidate her assets (the knowledge of their existence gives her comfort and security), but even if you were to continue providing your services for free, you would need breaks, you would likely have to hire help, and you do not have the means to “donate” what it would cost to have those hours covered. So it is not rational for her to consider her funds protected for all time.

Don’t rely on a promise of a future bequest. If your mom were to make some deal with you such as, “I’ll leave you the entire (or a certain portion of my estate) in exchange for caregiving - this is an empty promise for many reasons (1) she could change her will at any time, (2) she could outlive her resources, (3) your siblings could already attack the will claiming fraud, undue influence, capacity (even though she has it) based on her current age alone, and completely deplete anything left. (And they would).

Don’t expect your Mom or your siblings to change. You will not get more respect, admiration, assistance, praise, or financial support than they are giving. As free caregiver for my parents, most of my siblings grew resentful and jealous while I was caregiving. (So do not take this job in hope of expectations that cannot likely be fulfilled).

You mention emotional toll. Caregiving is wonderful, but can be very bittersweet and depressing when things are hard. Your medical professional background brings a huge benefit, but when caring for a family member, it is harder to stay on an even emotional keel when your loved one faces inevitable decline brought on by aging. You are probably already hurting more than you write.

It sounds like you are a kind, generous, skilled person. You have lots of talents. Like the rest of us, you also have some insecurities.

You feel backed into a corner. Realize that the only person truly blocking you in that corner is yourself.

Make your choices based on what makes you happy, what fulfills your soul, and makes you feel alive. Give yourself permission to follow your own path.

Holy cow! You are a gem that your mom and siblings should treasure. Everyone needs to eat, which requires money. Sorry to hear you are being taken advantage of.

I agree that she should pay you. Since your mom is mentally sharp and has money, she should be informed she should pay for her own care by a private caregiver. It would be more than what you are asking her to pay you. I hope she will see how much free services you have given her. Good luck.

Two years ago my husband had a stroke and I quit my job to stay home and take care of him.
He quipped the other day something snarky and slightly mean.

I jokingly told him that I'd been offered my old job back or I could go to Helping Hands which is a part time position that pays well doing in home care for seniors. I am a senior myself, but am able bodied.

Like it or not, you will still be here when your mother isn't so you need to start thinking about your future.
I've had to do the same things for our household.

Our nation has an enormous amount of unpaid medical help being provided by family members to their loved ones. You're not in a unique situation actually. But I do empathize with your sacrifice you've made moving and being isolated is not an easy thing to do. Let me applaud you for doing that. It is unfortunate that your mother is not more concerned with your future especially the financial stability that you will need. Perhaps you will find one day that she has provided for you, legally, but just doesn't admit it now.
Considering that you do have a place to live utilities maintenance taxes Etc or paid for I would look at that as part of your income from caregiving. Add that to the $550 a month that she's giving you that does come to a better income for what you're giving than what perhaps you realized. If you are still living where you where you would be paying for all of your household expenses and now you're not so it seems.

I empathize with your frustration, I am concerned that you have not been able to establish friendships and social contacts in your new area that is very important to your mental and emotional well-being. I would urge you to see how you can begin to make that possible. And what you have done in volunteering to be the child to come in and take care of your mother is because you love her not just because you were single . It is a true privilege to care for your parent friend or spouse in the last years of their lives. I pray that God will help you to feel that and seek out some changes that are within your power.

May he bless you richly!

Startabart: get going. You've been given some fine ideas here. Unless you're extremely well-to-do, your time is worth MONEY. Tell her, gently but FIRMLY, that you must take care of yourself first. Here's what I will do for nothing; anything else required will be paid for, whether to me or an outside worker. Make a plan & stick to it: do NOT be manipulated. It sounds like she's in better financial shape than you are: so be it!

There are numerous family dynamics that play a role, amoung them, why are other family not assisting? Perhaps distance, relationships, estrangement, financial?

What is going to be the position of siblings in estate settlement?

[These are questions, & ideas, not to be considered legal or tax advice or directive]

You may want to find out who has financial and health care Powers of Attorney. What is the exact asset and income status of Mom? Is there a Will/Living trust/ who are the beneficiaries, and splits; is the estate distribtion equal shares? (are you going to work your life away providing 24/hr caregiving, and not get recognition in the end? Is there any codicil to that will stating who might be entitled to certian material items?

Many of the questions I raise may cause sibling issues, depending on the sibling dynamic, on the other hand after all the service you have provided, do you want to find out you are going to be sent packing a month after Mom is buried, or confined?

Is Mom lucid enough to sign for herself? I'm not providing legal or tax advice

You really need to know what amount is "invested" and where, and who is the named beneficiary of those assets. Caregiving Services to her is a is a deductible medical expense (for her), that would offset taxes on her investment gains .

If she is a surviving spouse of a Wartime veteran VA "Pension" is an option, however due to recent regulation changes, depending on income asset level there may be a 3 year lookback, the House is an exempt asset.

You really need to know if her health, either physical or mental declines will she need a Nursing home, and how long "spend down" would be, if no asset protection stragegy is in place. Is the home mortgage free, and still insured? (or is this a rental/lease situation)?

Also in that case, would that make you homeless? (upon her death?) If you can prove , very important, that you have cared for her for at least 2 years,the house may not be subject to a medicaid lien.

You may want to hire a home care agency to give you respite, a couple days a week and get away, that also might impress the need for her to understand the real value of your services. You MUST get a change of scenery on a regular basis for your own welfare. Ir seems that the change from daughter to service provider has already taken place in Moms mind, and possibly values the other siblings as kids, and you as attendant.

I completely feel for your situation.

Maybe a different point of view and I might get blasted for this but.

If she’s well off and saving up well. “IF” she willed you a large % of her estate might that make up the difference and equal to being paid?

the reason I bring this up is a few people in the Alz support group I’m in have had this happen. Some were surprised some actually knew it was coming as they added it to the will. With siblings they were aware and were whiteness on will. That also gave siblings a chance to step up and help if they wanted more of the finances at the end.

Just food for thought and stay strong!!!!

You sound like you would be a God Send for so many Seniors needing care.

I would let your mother know that you are going to get a full time job during the day and you will set up an interview with a Care Agency, to let them evaluate her and they will say how much someone would cost. I'm sure your mom would then, more than gladly pay you minimum $75 a day for 24 hrs or she can try using the Service that won't be half as good as you.

My thoughts: Idea number 1). I took care of my mom for almost 5 years in my home. In Wisconsin, we have what's called self-directed-care. It's a Medicaid program that helps pay for in home services, and I was able to get paid for caring for her through this program, and it would have worked for us regardless of who owned the house/property. It's not about the where, it's about the WHO. Does your mom have medicaid? If she does, look for an agency called Consumer Direct, or another one is called IRIS. I'm not sure if they work beyond Wisconsin, but they might be able to give you some leads into a similar program in your area.

Idea number 2). You are not beholden to anyone except yourself, even your mother, unless you choose to be. You must take care of yourself first. I learned that the hard way in those 5 years. I kept on plugging away through those years, taking care of my mom without ONE SINGLE BREAK. We got through it, but in the end she went to a nursing home, and I had a mild stroke. Now, at 55 I'm fully recovered from that, but am feeling my age and then some, and wish I had done things a bit differently. Get out there, sister, and take care of YOU first! Seriously. If your mom can afford to pay someone but refuses to pay you, she's speaking in volumes just how little she values your worth. Maybe not as a daughter, ....but you know as well as anyone that you are more than just a daughter. Get that job you know you can land, get your own place, get out there in the world, and let someone else take care of her. It'll help heal you, and your relationship with her. Avoid anymore of those kinds of regrets if you can. You can do this. <3

I would also add to all the excellent suggestions here that a conversation with your sibilings could be useful. I have a brother that lives across the country from my mother and has obligations for a fragile wife. However he has been willing to fly out and cover for me several trips for a week at a time. It not only gives me a break but gives him additional understanding for what I deal with everyday. I have a brother who lives locally but has had a series of tragedies over the last 10 years and is living in a difficult marriage and financial situation. He managed "emergencies" with my mother for a number of years. So while I wish my brothers would do more now, I accept their life situations as well. And it allows me to make my own decisions without resentment towards them. I find that when I make a very specific request for help they are willing. I also have a good friend who knows my mother for 25 years who flew in to cover for a few weeks while I went home to Amsterdam for a visit. I wish you creativity and self-compassion in coming up with solutions so that you can build a social and financial net for yourself.